Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 123

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.

As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his s.h.i.+rt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"

She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

24 Hours to Live.

A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have s.e.x with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they had s.e.x.

Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and asked, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responded very sympathetically and agreed to have s.e.x. Another 8 hours pa.s.s, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about we do it again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and asked, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turned to him with a grimace on her face and said, "You know, YOU don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"

A Boy and His Date.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for s.e.x," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Awful s.e.x Life.

One woman was complaining to her friend, "My s.e.x life is awful. My husband doesn't have the foggiest idea how to make me come. What's worse is, he gets mad when I try to tell him."

"Do what I did," 2nd gal replied. "I told my husband that I was exactly like his Computer."

"Like his Computer?" replies the 1st woman.

"Yeah," the 2nd woman replied. "We both come with instructions."

Broken Was.h.i.+ng Mas.h.i.+ne.

A man says to his wife "darling I would love to have s.e.x with you tonight." She replies, "please don't ask like that, especially in front of the children. When you want to have s.e.x, say something like 'is the was.h.i.+ng machine working tonight' and only you and I will know what you mean."

The next day the man says to his wife "is the was.h.i.+ng machine working tonight dear" to which she replies "no, its broken."

A couple of days later he asks "that was.h.i.+ng machine, is it working now" to which she replies "no, its still broken."

A week later he asks "has the was.h.i.+ng machine been repaired" to which she replies "no, but the repairman may be here next week to fix it."

The following week the wife says to her husband "darling, the was.h.i.+ng machine has been repaired and its working perfectly" to which the husband replies "don't worry now, I only had a small load so I did it by hand."

Can't Get Enough.

A young farmer is newly married, and the couple can't get enough s.e.x. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they tear make love, and when he returns home at evening they have another go - before and after supper, and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day, the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon, that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do.

"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."

Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose.

"What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"

"Oh, it worked," says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and screw. Then Beckie'd go back home."

"So what's the problem?"

"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the huntin' season got started..."

Dead p.u.s.s.y.

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.

"How lovely dear" she said, "what's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you" he said simply.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her.

"I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

"How adorable Jerry" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

"These are six little pallbearers for your dead p.u.s.s.y."

Definition of s.e.x.

It's an INJECTION, with AFFECTION, to the meat SECTION, from a PROJECTION, without OBJECTION, hopefully, no INFECTION.

Doggie Style.