Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 140

The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!

Ugliest Baby.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, 'That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.'

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

'The bus driver insulted me.' she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: 'Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult pa.s.sengers.' 'You're right.'

She said. 'I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.'

'That's a good idea,' the man said. 'Here, let me hold your monkey.'

A Smart Pilot.

During a transcontinental flight, a pa.s.senger looked out the window and noticed that two of the jet's engines were on fire. He began shouting that the engines were on fire, and pretty soon the rest of the pa.s.sengers were in the throes of panic. Whereupon the pilot appeared in the doorway to the pa.s.senger compartment with a parachute strapped to his back.

"Don't worry, folks," he said cheerfully. "I'm going for help!"

Foreign Exchange Rate.

A beautiful young lady having just returned from a magnificent week long vacation in a South American republic, walked into the local bank & asked about exchanging currency. The teller said he would try to help her.

The la.s.s plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter & the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18. The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills ?"

"I'm afraid so, Miss." replied the teller, "That's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section."

"d.a.m.n." she hissed, "And I gave that cheap s...o...b..breakfast too."

Hotel Bill.

A traveler and his wife leave their hotel room and go to the lobby to check out. The traveler puts down a $50 bill and asks for a receipt.

The clerk says that his total bill is $75. The traveler explains that the sign advertises all rooms $50/night, tax included. He insisted that his bill is only $50 since he didn't make any telephone calls, didn't charge anything in the restaurant and didn't use the mini bar.

The clerk advised that it's for the food that comes with every room.

"But we didn't consume any of the food", said the traveler.

"Well that's too bad. It was there and we charge for it", said the clerk.

"Well then, you owe $75", said the traveler.

"What for?" said the clerk.

"For s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g my wife last night", said the traveller.

The clerk explained that he didn't touch his wife.

"Well too bad...she was there!"

Oriental Ma.s.sage.

Thorn was on a business trip and was staying in this fancy hotel. When he went up to his room there was a sign near the bed that said "Try our Oriental Ma.s.sage".

So he rang down to the reception and told the clerk that he'd wanted to try one of the ma.s.sages. About ten minutes later this j.a.panese lady came up and started giving him a ma.s.sage.

He was on his stomach and got pretty h.o.r.n.y resulting in a huge b.o.n.e.r. She told him to turn over and when he did she saw his c.o.c.k standing to attention.

She giggled and said "Ahh, you want w.a.n.ky!" and Thorn said "Oooh, yes!"

She ran off into the bathroom and left him on the bed waiting. A few minutes pa.s.sed by and she stuck her head out from behind the door and said "You finished yet?"

s.e.x Sandals.

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they pa.s.sed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at s.e.x like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the s.e.x G.o.d he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a s.e.x freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw s.e.xual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!".

Sunbathing in Hotel Roof.

Joan, a rather well proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her gla.s.ses for an even facial tan.

After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the fl.u.s.tered little a.s.sistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarra.s.sed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"

Tonto Kawalski.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.