Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 141

They exchange brief h.e.l.los and he notices she is reading a manual about s.e.xual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about s.e.xual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average p.e.n.i.s and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Tourist in Vienna.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

Vacationing in Mexico.

A man and his wife are visiting Mexico and go to the local restaurant for dinner. They can't seem to decide on what to have so they spend a lot of time looking over the menu.

While they are looking, they hear a trumpet fanfare, and out of the kitchen comes the cook with a big platter. He is accompanied by two or three waiters. With much ceremony, they place the platter on the next table and uncover it to reveal two rather large rounded pieces of meat surrounded by vegetables and lots of garnish.

The man and wife ask their waiter what that was all about. The waiter explains that the next table was just served the house specialty: the t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es of the bull from the day's bullfight. The couple orders the same dish. The waiter apologetically explains that there is only one bullfight per day so they can't have that dish tonight. However, they could be the persons of honor tomorrow night. This compromise makes the couple happy.

They return the next day and await the feast. Suddenly there is a trumpet fanfare, the big procession and all the hoop-de-do. The team of waiters sets the platter down and uncovers it only to reveal two rather small morsels. The man asks the waiter, "What gives? Yesterday's were so much larger?" To which the waiter replies, "Well senor, you must understand, some days the bull wins."

What all Men Needs.

A travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he had ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read: 'Manicures - 25 cents.'

"Why not!" the salesman said to himself. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read: 'This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - 50 cents.'

The salesman was embarra.s.sed and looked both ways. Seeing n.o.body around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his p.e.n.i.s into the opening with great antic.i.p.ation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his p.e.n.i.s which now had a b.u.t.ton sewed on the tip.

105 Reasons Why Beer is Better than Women.

You can enjoy a BEER all month.

BEER stains wash out.

You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.

Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.

When BEER goes flat you toss it out.

BEER is never late.

HANGOVERS go away.

A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.

BEER labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.

BEER never has a headache.

After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a nickel.

A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.

If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.

You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.

A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.

You can share a BEER with your friends.

You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.

A BEER is always wet.

BEER doesn't demand equality.

A BEER doesn't care when you come.

You can have a BEER in public.

A frigid BEER is a good BEER.

You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.

BEER always comes in multiples of six.

BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.

You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.

After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.

A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.

When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.

You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.

BEER looks the same in the morning.

BEER doesn't look you up in a month.

BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.

BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.

BEER doesn't get cramps.

BEER doesn't have a mother.

BEER doesn't have morals.

BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.

BEER always listens and never argues.

BEER labels don't go out of style every year.

BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.

BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.

BEER doesn't demand equality.

BEER is never overweight.

If you change BEERS, you don't have to pay alimony.

BEER won't run off with your credit cards.

BEER doesn't have a lawyer.