Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 147

Excited Pregnant Woman.

A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I'll bust." She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as she shared his experience. He said he was a farmer, and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added, "But, confidentially, I changed c.o.c.ks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially,... me, too."

Fairly Quiet.

A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home: "So, has anything happened while I've been away?"

"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."

"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."

"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."

"My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"

"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."

"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?"

"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."

"Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?"

"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."

"The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?"

"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."

"Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"

"They were there for the wake, sir."

"The wake?!? Whose wake?"

"Your mother's, sir. She pa.s.sed away quite suddenly."

"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"

"It must have been the shock, sir."

"The shock."

"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

Fat Man at the Health Club.

A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!"

The fat man said, "Yeah."

The second man asked, "How long's it been since you've seen your d.i.c.k?"

The fat man answered, "Long time."

The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"

The fat man asks, "Why? What color is it now?"

Funny Signs.

Advertised on the side of a city bus: "Thinking about committing suicide? Perhaps we can help."

Written above the toilet roll dispenser in a male cubicle at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia was: "Arts Degrees - please take one."

In downtown Pittsburgh, PA at Christmas time there was a sign on a big Catholic Church that said: "Closed for the Holidays".

At a Pub in Australia: s.e.xual hara.s.sment will not be prosecuted. However, it will be graded.

Sign on state detention center visible from traffic crawling along a Boston Interstate: "If you had broken the law, you'd already be home!"

Sign in front of an auto junkyard on Malta: "We Have j.a.panese Body Parts!"

In a pub toilet in Llanelli, west Wales: "Yesterday, the bottom fell out of my world, so I drank 8 pints of Felinfoel Ale and this morning, the world fell out of my bottom."

On an older compact car was the b.u.mper sticker: "This car is constipated, it can't pa.s.s anything"

Fur Coat.

"That's real a beautiful fur coat," a friend remarked, "but don't you pity the poor beast who suffered so that you might have it?"

The women replied, "Why are you suddenly worried about my husband?"

Gla.s.s Eye.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a gla.s.s eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

Hey Can I see your Baby?

Once upon a time, a mature woman in her late forties decided that she wanted to have a baby. She read all about the modern fertility procedures for older women. She decided that she would get pregnant, and have a baby. And she did, and she did.

One of her old friends dropped by her house, and wanted to see the baby. She said, "The baby is napping, and you'll have to wait until he wakes up." So they talked and visited for a while.

After a while the friend said she had to go soon, but she really did want to see the baby.