Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 148

The mother was quite adamant: "You'll have to wait until he wakes up."

The visitor said, "Can't I just peek in and look at him sleeping?"

The mother shook her head and admitted, "Well, in all honesty I can't remember where the h.e.l.l I put him, so when he wakes up and cries, then I can find him."

Hitler and his Chauffeur.

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.

Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.

Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks. .h.i.tler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.

Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.

Four hours later, he comes stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.

Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way."

Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?"

To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."

Holdup by a Midget.

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest b.a.l.l.s I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's b.a.l.l.s, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump!"

How To Survive With Women.

Treat Them Like Your Car.

Give it a regular, thorough going over.

Touch up the exterior.

Rub it down nicely.

Have a quick tinker with the underside.

Clean out the tubes.

Make sure it's waxed regularly.

Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting? Or b.u.mp starting?

Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.

Change the lubrication.

Check for leaks.

Check the rubber is not wearing thin.

Keep an eye out for bald patches.

Lift up the front and have a long hard look.

Check the rear end is clean and tidy.

Check for spare tyre and any handles.

Keep an eye on fuel consumption.

Check the condition of the big end.

Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.

Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?

Ensure that it responds well to you when you're in the driving seat.

Make sure it's always clean inside.

Make sure that it will not require any extra/expert servicing.

Check all crevices, especially the box, for dust, dirt, or insect nests.

Have any cracks been inexpertly filled in the past?

Check the mileage and for any previous lady owners.

And that no animals have ever been inside.

Fit a child lock.

The younger the better.

Check that it will not break down on you with no warning.

Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.

Does it drive well in reverse?

Ensure you can tune the radio in to the football.

Ensure you have sole owners.h.i.+p.

If possible, test drive several times before commiting to owners.h.i.+p.

Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down, and that it is easy to control.

Avoid models that stall during use.

Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.

Avoid completely blocking the air intake.

Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.

Keep locked in the garage when not in use.

Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.

Check for pulling attachments.

Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.

If necessary, fit an alarm.

See if the coil needs replacing.

Take it for a good thrash around Are you allowed to take pa.s.sengers with this model?

Watch out for nasty emissions.

Keep all leather accessories in order.

If necessary, fit a silencer.

Or use the choke and throttle properly.

For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.

Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.

Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.

NEVER let your friends have a go.

Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.

Avoid taking it to the pub if you're drinking.

Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to stop, in the middle of it and fall asleep.

It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with your stick it your hand.

With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid putting your stick into it's reverse position whilst in motion.

It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.

German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.