Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 149

Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage) and often make worrying noises.

American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.

Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.

Swedish models are usually very versatile.

j.a.panese models are ma.s.s produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.

French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.

Avoid models that are a tight fit for you; equally, stay away from those with very much more room s.p.a.ce than needed.

Stay well clear of people carriers.

Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they don't take kindly to stopping stop.

Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and excessive amounts of wear in places.

The interior of ones which have been previously owned by old people will have a smell you will never get rid of.

It is unwise to take your father's/big brother's/mate's out without permission.

Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.

It is NEVER advisable to own a 'wide load' model.

Replace every year with a newer model.

I Ain't Touching it.

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red b.u.mps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the h.e.l.l's wrong with your p.e.n.i.s?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his s.h.i.+rt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

It's Great Being a Woman.

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.

We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in.

We don't have to get our strength up between sessions. ... and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

We never e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e prematurely.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

We got off the t.i.tanic first.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - they look like complete d.i.c.ks in ours.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts and pool... and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing appropriate clothes and shouting at strangers.

Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.!!!!!!!!!!!

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.

We never recognize ourselves in aspects of Mr. Bean. Ever.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Life is Backwards.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating ... then finish off as an o.r.g.a.s.m.

Longest c.o.c.k.

Three guys were having an argument about who was better endowed. Finally to settle tha matter they went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to unzip their flies.

"Pretty, good, huh?" said Mort , whose c.o.c.k hung down all the way to the fifty-third floor.

"h.e.l.l, I can beat that", said Bill, whose c.o.c.k was dangling past a window on the twenty-ninth floor.

They looked over at the third guy, who was looking over the edge, swaying back and forth, jumping from one foot to the other, and moving curiously about.

"What the h.e.l.l are you doing, Thorn?", Bill asked.

"Dodging traffic."

Man in a hotel Lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally b.u.mps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your p.e.n.i.s is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."