Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 156

Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Weight Loser.

Edith and Lucille were pedaling their exercise bicycles at a health club.

"My husband's always playing around," complained Edith. "It's made me so anxious I can't even eat. I've lost twelve pounds."

"Then why don't you leave him?" asked Lucille.

"Oh, I will," replied Edith, "just as soon as I get down to 105."

Weight Machine.

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill.

She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritous."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts.

She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have s.e.x."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers.

The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've Fiddled, You've Farted, You've Screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."

Who is Dumber.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Illinois. One says; Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shopping today and bought an air-conditioner. h.e.l.l, we ain't got electricity!

The others laugh. Then the other guy says; ah that ain't nothing, my wife's dumber than that! She went shopping yesterday and had a was.h.i.+ng machine delivered. They all laughed and laughed, why n.o.body around here has plumbing!

The third Hillbilly said; well, I reckon my woman's got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six rubbers. h.e.l.l, she ain't got no d.i.c.k!

Who is Jack Schitt.

The lineage revealed: Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Soon you will be able to handle this situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner in law firm, Knee, Deep & Schitt.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt. Against his parent's strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr. Scherlock and, because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name,hence, she became known as Noe Schitt-Scherlock. Dip Schitt moved south and married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son and named him Chick Noe (after his grandmother) Schitt. He became known as Chick N. Schitt for short.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa. Their only son, Tough Schitt, became a professional wrestler and later moved to Minnesota to pursue a career in politics.

Now when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

Who's the Boss.

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss.

The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, he should be boss.

The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss.

The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss.

Then the a.s.s hole applied for the job.

The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the a.s.shole became mad and closed up.

After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes got crossed and unable to see.

They all conceded and made the a.s.s hole boss. This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be boss.....

..........Just an a.s.s hole.

Women are Complex Creatures.

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.

If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.

If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp.

If you don't, you are not understanding..

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring.

If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing..

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.

If you don't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it's bad.

If you don't, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her.

If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait.

If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.

If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.

If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction.

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting.

If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen.

If you listen, she wants you to talk.