Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 4

Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game?

A: They stand near the fans!

Q: What should a slow runner eat before a race?

A: Ketchup

Q: What kind of banks do alligators use?

A: Riverbanks

Q: Why are movie stars cool?

A: Because they have so many fans.

Q: Where do they store Chinese boats?

A: In a junkyard.

Q: What is the smartest animal?

A: A skunk, because it makes a lot of scents (sense).

Q: What's the difference between a film and a witch's cauldron?

A: One is a motion picture. The other is a potion mixture.

Q: Why did the minister visit different car lots every day?

A: He was looking for convertibles!

Print problems.

When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man said, "The printer probably only needs to be cleaned.

Our store charges 30 for a call out to do the cleaning. So you might like to try reading the printer's manual first and doing the job yourself."

Pleasantly surprised by the repairman's candour the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"O sure." Says the repairman. "It was his idea! We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Puns.

People say the abominable snowman is very scary, yeti looked quite normal to me!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If G.o.d wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Patron to waiter: "Do you have frog legs?

Waiter: "No, but I am pigeon toed."

Office Secretary: "I bought this mini-recorder."

Manager: "What do you use it for?"

Office Secretary: "Well, it's only good for small talk."

There's a new trend of carrying water in a pail.

But like any trend, some people prefer to bucket.

We have period furniture!

You know the kind you have for a period of time and then they take it back?

My cross-eyed teacher has a problem.

Apparently she can't control her pupils.

A Man who eats metal paper fastenings has a staple diet.

A manufacturer of percussion instruments tried to drum up some business.

"I saw Pinocchio last night! No, not the movie, the real Pinocchio!"

"You're joking?"

"Nope, I wooden kid you!"

Your veterinarian knows how to make your dog heal.

Two nuclear physicists got married recently. The ceremony was beautiful - she was absolutely radiant, and he was glowing too. Even the bridesmaids shone.

When an apprentice electrician made mistakes, his mother grounded him.

But he finally got promoted and felt a surge after the switch. He was really a high- energy person.

In order to become an electrician, you have to go through a battery of tests.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who waited on the street corner with a piece of bread?

A: She was waiting for some traffic jam.

c.u.n.n.i.l.i.n.g.u.s is a real tongue-twister.

Q: What is the difference between movie theatre refreshments and movies at a police stag party?

A: One is popcorn, the other is cop p.o.r.n.

A Man who goes to bed with diarrhoea may wake up in deep s.h.i.+t.

Pa.s.sionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Sat.u.r.day?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.