Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 8

So the guy goes upstairs but can't find the restrooms anywhere. So when he sees a hole in the floor and he decides to c.r.a.p in it.

After relieving himself, of a monster dump, he goes back downstairs and notices that there's no one in the bar.

"Hey, Where did everybody go?" He asks the bartender.

The bartender replies, "So, where were you when the s.h.i.+t hit the fan?"

Dirty Dave's Problem Page - Some times fact is stranger than fiction ...

Dear Dave,

I've just got a new girl friend and the s.e.x is great. She dresses up as a French maid wearing no knickers. She walks around the flat cleaning and every time she stretches up to dust something I get a glimpse of her gorgeous a.r.s.e. Eventually when she bends over to dust under the bed I grab her from behind and we make love frantically doggie style.

When we are exhausted we both flop the floor.

My problem is this; I've noticed that the longer I drag out the teasing phase of the role- play the cleaner my flat gets! Last week I dragged it out for an hour and a half and my place was b.l.o.o.d.y spotless.

Do you think this is morally wrong?

Spotless of St. Allbans

Dear Spotless,

Oo-la-la, Looks like a saucy time is being had by all. But seriously spotless, are you just using this girl? I think you should seriously consider doing some spring-cleaning in this relations.h.i.+p. Who know a new relations.h.i.+p might be just what the doctor ordered!

Ricin.

Police have closed down a number supermarkets after a terrorist alert. Apparently, officers in protective clothing have been seen removing all Chinese meals. A police spokesman said, "We've had a tip off that some of these meals have Ricin."

Stinky.

A guy walks into a lift and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few moments he turns to her and says, "G.o.d dam your p.u.s.s.y smells!"

The woman is disgusted and says, "It does not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then!"

Two Tigers.

Two tigers are walking in the jungle in single file along a trail.

The rear tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes then reappears. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start a fight so lets it go. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue in the same area. Outraged he decides to confront the other tiger and asks, "Did you just lick a.r.s.e?"

The other tiger replies, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get rid of the taste!"

How long before s.e.x?

A surgeon goes to see a young female patient the day after performing an operation on her. She seems slightly uncomfortable and embarra.s.sed so the doctor she asks, "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit of an embarra.s.sing question, but how long will it be before I can resume my normal s.e.x life?"

"Hum!" gasps the doctor, as he looks thoughtful.

"I hadn't really thought about that. You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy!"

Q: How can you tell that the British house of parliament is follow of d.i.c.ks?

A: Every one there is called an honourable member! Gasonga Jokes

The inflatable pupil.

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and he's having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out of cla.s.s. Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster and he pulls out a knife and stabs him! He runs along the corridor and as he gets outside he thinks, "I hate school". He then pull out his knife and stabs the school as well! Decides to go to his inflatable home and runs off.

Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking on his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself!

Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely says, "You boy have let me down, you've let the school down and but worst of all you've let yourself down!"

The definition of Heaven and h.e.l.l.

In Heaven: The cooks are French.

The policemen are English.

The mechanics are German.

The lovers are Italian.

The bankers are Swiss.

In h.e.l.l: The cooks are English.

The policemen are German.

The mechanics are French.

The lovers are Swiss.

The bankers are Italian.

An honourable profession.

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 bill on the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he says.

"Why yes," she replies, "every week my son sends me money. What I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, $20,000 a week."

"Wow, your son must be very successful businessman. What does he do for a living?"

"He is a Vet," she answers.

"That is a very honourable profession. Where does he practice?"

"O, well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."

Talking dog.

A guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale." So he rings the bell and the owner tells him that the dog is in the backyard. The guy walks into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"Can you talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country. I'd sit in a room with various people, spies, world leaders etc. and because no one figured that I could talk. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I got married had a ma.s.s of puppies, and now I'm retired."

The guy is amazed so he asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten bucks."

The guy says, "That dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"