Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 35

Q: Why is a leaking tap like a racehorse?

A: Because it is off and running

Q: What do you get if you cross a giant ape, with some whipped egg whites and sugar?

A: Merangue-atan

Q: What's it called when a stallion runs around in circles?

A: Horsing around

Q: Why is Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson?

A: You find the present tense and the past perfect.

Q: Why did the kitten want to work at Xerox?

A: He wanted to be a copycat.

Q: Why did the guy like to avoid funerals?

A: He wasn't a mourning person.

Q: What happened when the s.h.i.+p carrying red paint and blue s.h.i.+p carrying blue paint collided?

A: The survivors were marooned!

Q: Why are giraffes sn.o.bs?

A: Because they look down on everyone.

Q: What do you call a guy that crosses the ocean twice without taking a shower?

A: A dirty double crosser

Q: What's the definition of Lockjaw?

A: Never having to say you are sorry

Maths homework.

A little boy is doing his math homework and while he's working out his sums he says to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b.i.t.c.h is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b.i.t.c.h is nine..."

His mother hears what he's saying and gasps, "What are you doing?"

"I'm doing my maths homework." The boy replies.

"And is this how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asks.

"Yes," he answers.

Infuriated, the next day the mother asks the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

"He's learning addition." The teacher replies.

"And are you teaching him to say two plus two, that son of a b.i.t.c.h is four?" Ask the mother?

After the teacher stops laughing, she answers, "No. No. What I taught him was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

WHO.

Did you hear about the World Health Organization's new publicity campaign?

Apparently they've chosen the slogan, "WHO Cares"

In a second campaign specific to African farm sanitation. They're delivering 20 million tons of clean fertilizer and using the slogan "WHO Gives A s.h.i.+t!"

The turtle.

A turtle is walking down a dark alley when suddenly a gang of snails mug him. When a policeman asks him what happened the turtle replies, "I don't know, it all happened so quickly."

Imitation.

A boy comes home and finds his mother nude lay on the bed pleasuring herself. She's screaming: "O G.o.d, I need a man. I need a man!" Everyday for the next week he finds her doing the same thing.

Exactly a week later, when he gets home he sees his happy mother in the bedroom with a man.

Later the same day the mother pa.s.ses by boy's room and sees him lying nude on the bed pleasuring himself. He's screaming: "O G.o.d, I need a bike. I need a bike!"

The Embarra.s.sing problem.

A woman goes to see the doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a very embarra.s.sing problem. I was playing with my vibrator last night and I've got the whole thing stuck inside me!"

"Don't worry," says the doc, "We'll soon get it out of you."

"Get in out?" says the woman, "I don't want you to get it out. I just want you to change the batteries."

Hot Woman.

Two guys are in a hotel bar having a drink. The first one says, "You know, I had a hot woman beating on my door until 1 am last night!"

"Oh yea," says his pal, "and what did you do at 1 am then?"

The first guy replies, "Hey, I had to let her go at some time..."

Stain.

Did you hear about the guy who named his dog stain? When it ran off, the police arrested him for roaming the streets shouting, "Come Stain, Come Stain."

Lisa Dooley.

Poor forgetful Lisa Dooley, Walked across the office coolly Bent to put a folder back, But showed that panties she did lack.

Gasps from men of shocked surprise, Followed fast by l.u.s.ty sighs.

Mean while Lisa spots her sin Her knickers by the dusty bin!

A safety memo now appears All office girls must clad their rears, To stop the straining trouser zips, Please girls practice bunny dips!

A British Railway worker.

A railway work is lying on the floor in a station clutching his guts. He's rolling about in terrible pain and groaning, "Are you alright?" asks a pa.s.senger.

"O Arrh, I'll be OK in a few minutes," says the worker.

"What's wrong?" asks the pa.s.senger.

"Well," says the worker, "I'm busting for a s.h.i.+t, but I don't start work for another 10 minutes."