Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 36

The Damsel.

An Evil king captured a beautiful girl. He forced her to wear a shabby dress and sit in a tower. She waited day and night with the hope that a prince would come and free her.

But he never came. Eventually, she cried in distress and the evil king laughed, "See, No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress!"

Pension requirements.

A guy goes to the DHSS to apply for a pension. The woman behind the counter asks him, "Have you got proof of your age?"

"No, I've left my wallet at home." Says the guy.

"OK. Unb.u.t.ton your s.h.i.+rt." Says the woman. So he opens his s.h.i.+rt revealing lots of curly silver hair. "The silver hair on your chest is proof enough," and she processes his claim.

When the guy gets home he excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the DHSS office.

"G.o.d dam" says the wife, "Didn't you dropped your pants as well? You might have got disability!"

Tarzan Joke.

Tarzan and Jane are walking in the Jungle when suddenly Tarzan notices a boat being attacked by a crocodile. Tarzan runs to the river, jumps into the water and wrestles the crocodile until it lets go of the boat.

Unfortunately, in the struggle Tarzan Loin cloth is ripped off. When he leaves the water Jane sees his 20-inch p.e.n.i.s.

"Why Tarzan your p.e.n.i.s!" she exclaims.

Seeing the shock on Jane's face Tarzan replies, "Jane no worry. It always shrinks in cold water."

Two punks.

Two punk rockers are having s.e.x while listening to some music.

"Is that Johnny Rotten?" says the girl.

"No, I've only used it twice before!" replies the bloke.

The shower.

An Australian woman has just had a shower. As she gets out of the shower she slips and falls badly. She falls into the splits position and lands so hard that suctions herself to the floor.

Being stuck she yells for her husband, "Jack, Jack come quickly!"

Well Jack comes running upstairs.

"Jack, I've b.l.o.o.d.y suctioned myself to the floor." she says.

"Strewth!" says Jack as he tries to pull her up.

"You're too heavy love. I'll have to go across the street and get Blue."

Well they both try to pull her up and decide, "No. We can't do it."

Blue suggests, "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her."

"Spot on," says Jack. "Whilst you're gone, I'll stay here and play with her t.i.ts. I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen. The tiles aren't as expensive in there."

Absolutely Nothing.

Mr Rabbit is walking along the road when he spots a crow at the top of a very tall tree.

"Good morning Mr Crow." He shouts. "What are you doing today?" Mr Crow replies, "Absolutely nothing Mr Rabbit and loving every minute of it!"

"That sounds pretty good Mr Crow. Do you think I could do that?" asks the Rabbit.

"I don't see why not!" shouts back the Crow.

So, Mr Rabbit lies on the gra.s.s at the side of the road and begins doing absolutely nothing.

Half an hour later a fox sees Mr Rabbit and eats him!

Moral: You can get away with 'Doing Absolutely Nothing,' but only if you are at the top of the tree.

English Hotels.

A guy is staying at a hotel in Torquay and he orders a salad for dinner.

When it arrives all the leaves are limp and rotten. So he turns to the waiter and says, "This salad is off. Just look at the herbs, the Basil's Faulty!"

Top tip.

If your partner keeps you awake at night snoring, simply put a few drops of cyanide on their pillow before they go to bed. Its quick simple and you'll get a peaceful night's sleep every night.

The first time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You've put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had lots of experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you s.h.i.+ver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Q and A.

Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?

A: Drowns

Did you hear about the bloke with the serious bad breath problem?

His name was 'R Slicker.'

Q: What have Jordan and Cornwall's Eden Project got in common?

A: Both of them have success based on a couple of big domes.

Friend: "I don't think you'll ever find another man like your late husband."

Widow: "That's right. I won't to looking!"

Q: What do you call a girl with a happy b.u.m?

A: Gladys (Glad-a.s.s)

It's now been confirmed that SARS originated in Germany.

So be on the look put for a very large man called Attishoo the Hun.

Q: What is the difference between a broken clock and the government?

A: At least the broken clock is right occasionally.

Did you hear about the Kung Fu champion that could nut a brick in half?

His name was 'He Bang Head.'