The Funny Philosophers Part 10

"It is mud, sure enough," said Toney.

"Walking abroad and endeavoring to dry itself in the sun," said Seddon.

"Hurrah! hurrah!" shouted the boys.

"Here he is--by jabers! we found him!" said an Irishman.

"Who is he?" said Toney.

"Do you not know me?" said a dolorous voice issuing from the ma.s.s of mud.

"No, I do not. Who are you?"

"I am Botts."

"Botts!" said Toney.

"Botts!" exclaimed Seddon.

"Botts!" shouted Bragg.

"Yes, gentlemen, I am Botts."

CHAPTER X.

It would require the perfection of language to describe the amazement of Captain Bragg when he beheld a slimy figure, looking like one of the powers by whom he continually swore, and heard a voice issuing from its ugly lips, and saying "I am Botts." The placards, in which he was about to doom his absconding adversary to eternal infamy, dropped from his hand, and were picked up by a boy, and converted into the tail for a kite. Toney and Tom were also astonished at the sudden and strange appearance of the missing man. After a moment of silence, Belton said,--

"Where did you come from?"

"From the bottom of a well," said an Irishman.

"Good heavens!" said Pate, who had just arrived in company with Wiggins and Perch,--"good heavens! did Botts fall into a well?"

"And shure it's not for me to say how he got there. We found him in the well on his knees in the wather, and praying to the blessed Vargin and all the saints."

"I'm almost dead! I'll never get over it!" said Botts.

"Run for a doctor! run, Perch! run!" said Pate.

Perch went off at the double-quick in search of medical aid, while Pate and Wiggins conducted their friend to the hotel.

"Don't bring that man in here. I can't have my house covered with mud and filth. Take him to the bath-house and wash him," said the landlord.

Pate pleaded and implored, but the landlord was inexorable; and they were compelled to conduct the miserable man to the bath-house. With some difficulty he was divested of his clothing; and, while Wiggins a.s.sisted him in performing his ablutions, Pate proceeded to his apartment and procured a change of raiment. His two friends then led him to his room, where they found Perch with the doctor. The physician examined his patient, and discovered that no bones were broken, and that there was no internal injury of any sort. He ordered Botts a strong tonic, and, telling him to keep quiet in bed and he would be well in the morning, took his departure. Perch soon after left the room, saying that he had an engagement to walk with Miss Imogen Hazlewood. Pate and Wiggins sat by the bedside of their afflicted friend, who, with many a moan and dolorous e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n, told the story of his misfortune, which we will endeavor to abbreviate and relate in more intelligible language.

It will be recollected that after Botts had executed his last will and testament, and addressed letters of farewell to his friends, he had proceeded to the outskirts of the town, and walked to and fro over the common, meditating on his approaching end. About the middle of the night, as he continued to walk with his gaze fixed on the star which he had selected for his future abode, he tumbled into an unfinished well, about twelve feet deep, with six inches of water at the bottom. It being night, and he being under the earth, his loud cries for a.s.sistance were unheard, and he remained in the well until a late hour in the morning, when the Irish laborers discovered him on his knees in the water praying fervently; he having experienced a change of heart, and repented of the great crime he had intended to commit.

While Pate and Wiggins were consoling their friend, they were startled by loud shrieks from a female voice in an adjacent apartment.

"Good heavens!" said Pate.

"What's that?" exclaimed Wiggins.

"There's murder in the house!" bawled out Botts; and he jumped from his bed and ran to the door.

"Come back, Botts! you haven't got your breeches on," said Wiggins; and he seized Botts by the caudal extremity of his under-garment and held him with a firm grasp.

Shrieks after shrieks were heard, and then the heavy tread of feet hurrying along the corridor. Pate and Wiggins rushed to the scene of action, and beheld the landlord, with loud and violent imprecations, kicking Captain Bragg's monkey out of a room. The creature had got loose, and climbing over the transom of a door, had leaped down on a bed where a lady was taking her siesta. The hideous apparition had nearly thrown the fair inmate of the room into convulsions.

"Get out of here, you infernal imp!" said the landlord, giving the monkey a kick which sent it rolling over and over along the corridor.

The agile creature gathered itself up, and with an active bound sprang on the railing of the stairway, where it sat making ugly grimaces, and shaking both fists at Boniface in intense indignation.

"Get me a gun!" shouted the landlord, in a towering pa.s.sion.

"Don't shoot!" exclaimed Pate; and a dozen female voices shrieked in apprehension of the report of fire-arms.

"What are you doing to my monkey?" said Bragg, hurrying to the spot.

"Get out of my house with that incarnate devil of yours!" said the landlord. The monkey grinned and shook its fists, and the landlord stamped his foot and swore with vim and vehemence.

"I'll have satisfaction for this outrage offered to my monkey," said Bragg.

"I'll give you satisfaction, sir! I'm no Botts, to be bullied by you, sir! If you don't get out of this house, I'll take you by the neck and heels and throw you out, and your monkey after you!"

The landlord was a powerful and determined man. He had fought under Old Hickory at New Orleans. He stood six feet three in his stockings, and could easily have executed his threat.

"Do you not keep a house for the accommodation of travelers?" said Bragg. "For the entertainment of man and beast?"

"But not for the entertainment of man and devil! That monkey is a born devil, sir!"

"He was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar," said Bragg.

"A royal present from his Majesty the Old Boy!" said Boniface. "He gets loose just when he pleases. He chased the cooks out of the kitchen, and ate up the eggs they had got for breakfast. He stole a negro baby out of its cradle and hid it in the wood-house."

"He is a cannibal!" said Seddon.

"One of the captain's long-tailed African friends," said Toney.

"Dines on babies," said Tom. "He'll be after a Dutchman next."

"Out of this house he goes, and you, too!" said the landlord. "Here, Caesar, Scipio! carry Captain Bragg's baggage down and set it on the pavement." The negroes proceeded to obey orders. "And now be off!" said Boniface. "I don't ask you to settle your bill; I want no money from you. I want you to leave, and take that monkey with you!"

"You had better go," said Seddon to Bragg, "or he will call on the sheriff to summon a _posse comitatus_ and put you out."