The Funny Philosophers Part 9

"Fled!" exclaimed Bragg; and his face became as radiant as the morning just then illuminated by the sun which had appeared above the eastern horizon.

"Yes," said Wiggins, "Botts has run off like an arrant poltroon."

"I will post him for cowardice!" exclaimed Bragg.

"As you please," said Wiggins. "I want nothing more to do with Mr.

Botts. He attempted to a.s.sa.s.sinate me."

"a.s.sa.s.sinate you!" exclaimed Toney.

"Yes, sir; when I informed him of the terms proposed by you, he attempted to take my life."

"Attempted to kill his second!" said Seddon.

"The a.s.sa.s.sin! the ruffian! the poltroon! I'll post him!" said Bragg.

"He jumped up and aimed a blow at my head with a chair," said Wiggins.

"An a.s.sault and battery," said Tom. "Liable in a suit for damages."

"He afterwards became calm, apologized for the outrage, and agreed to meet Captain Bragg at the hour named. But when I called for him this morning he had disappeared."

"Disappeared!" said Toney.

"Yes, sir,--absconded,--fled to parts unknown."

"I will publish him," said Bragg. "I will prepare placards with the words BOTTS and COWARD in letters as big as my hand! Come, Mr. Belton; come, gentlemen."

"Put out the fires, Caesar. Take care of the pots, Hannibal," said Seddon. And with these instructions to those two distinguished personages, Tom shouldered the tin tubes and followed after Bragg, who, with Belton and Wiggins, was proceeding with rapid strides towards the town.

FOOTNOTE:

[3] We have not been to find any account of this combat in Napier's History of the Peninsular War. The historian overlooked it.

CHAPTER IX.

Captain Bragg, with an appet.i.te rendered voracious by his exercise in the open air at so early an hour, made a hearty breakfast on an abundant supply of ham and eggs, which Lord Byron has said is a dish good enough for an emperor. Having finished his repast, he arose from the table, and going to his apartment, proceeded to prepare the placard in which he intended to make known the poltroonery of Botts to the public. When a man's mind is full of his subject, composition is performed with ease and rapidity. The words roll off from the end of the pen as naturally as water flows from a perennial fountain. Bragg's writing instrument galloped across the paper and soon covered the foolscap with a terrible denunciation of the unfortunate Botts.

The indignant duelist hurried off to a printing-office, and said to the proprietor, "I want you to print this immediately."

"Will you be so good as to furnish me with your name?" said the proprietor.

"Of what consequence is my name to you?" said Bragg. "I want you to print the advertis.e.m.e.nt, and here is the money."

"Can't do it," said the proprietor. "Can't put anything in my paper without the name of the party who furnishes it; advertis.e.m.e.nt or no advertis.e.m.e.nt,--paid for or not,--I can't print it."

"Why not?" said Bragg.

"Because we can't afford to keep a fighting editor in this office; and I don't want to get into difficulties."

"What difficulties will you get into?" said Bragg.

"Plenty of them. I don't want my head broken with a cudgel, sir."

"Who is going to break your head?" said Bragg.

"There are plenty of people in these parts to do it, sir, and on slight provocation. Last winter a fellow came into this office just before we went to press, and left an advertis.e.m.e.nt which he paid for, saying that he wanted it to appear in our issue of that day. It was a certificate that Samuel Crabstick, who is a bald-headed man, had bought a bottle of Dr. Bamboozle's celebrated hair ointment, and applied it to his bare scalp, and that in forty-eight hours after the first application a fine suit of hair had grown all over his head, seven inches in length. Well, what were the consequences, sir? Why, the whole town was talking and laughing about this wonderful growth of hair. And next morning old Crabstick walked into the office, and, after much profanity, a.s.saulted me with a heavy bludgeon. Had it not been for my devil, who come behind him and put him _hors de combat_ with the hot poker, he would have broken my bones, sir. So your advertis.e.m.e.nt cannot go in my paper unless you leave your name for reference."

"I don't want it in your paper," said Bragg. "I want it printed like a hand-bill."

"Oh, that alters the case. You take the responsibility."

"Here! I want these three words,--look, will you?--BOTTS--POLTROON--COWARD,--printed in your largest letters."

"We have type big enough," said the printer, producing some wooden blocks about three inches long.

"Those will do," said Bragg. "Now, go to work--quick--hurry!"

In a very brief s.p.a.ce of time Bragg had a dozen doc.u.ments in his possession, for which he paid the printer and hastened away.

In a few moments after he had left the printing-office, Bragg's tall form was seen elevated on a stool; and he was in the act of pasting a hand-bill against the side of the hotel when he was interrupted by the landlord, who said,--

"Captain Bragg, I do not allow any bills for monkey shows to be pasted against my house."

"This is no bill for a monkey show," said Bragg.

"Nor advertis.e.m.e.nts for quack medicines, neither," said the landlord.

"This is no advertis.e.m.e.nt for quack medicines," said Bragg, with a look of indignation.

"Well, whatever it be, you can't paste it there. I will not have my walls plastered over with advertis.e.m.e.nts."

Bragg scowled at the landlord, and, getting down from the stool with a profane expression, he went across the street to an apothecary's shop.

Here he was about to put up a placard when he perceived in large letters on the corner, PASTE NO PILLS HERE; some ingenious urchins having altered the original B to a P. Bragg was puzzled, and scratched his head; and, as he did so, an idea entered his cranium, and he understood that this inscription was a prohibition as imperative as that which he had just received from the landlord.

Bragg was in a dilemma. He did not know what to do with his doc.u.ments.

He had made two or three attempts on other houses, and had been warned off by the proprietors. A chambermaid had discharged a quant.i.ty of foul water at him from an upper window as he was in the act of defacing the dwelling with a hand-bill; and a burly Hibernian, in his emphatic brogue, had cursed him for an itinerant vender of nostrums; for there was a violent prejudice in the town of Bella Vista against all venders of quack medicines ever since a wandering empiric, having promised to cure an old gentleman of some hepatic disorder, had given him an emetic, and afterwards told him that he had puked up a piece of his liver and would soon get well; when, in fact, the patient was soon in the hands of the undertaker.

Toney and Tom now came to the a.s.sistance of Bragg; and Seddon, being a citizen of the town, and acquainted with its localities, conducted the captain to a small tenement which was used by a Dutchman as a stable for his donkey. Bragg produced his doc.u.ments, and was about to apply the paste when the Dutchman came forth leading his donkey, and exclaimed, "Donner und blitzen! what for you do dat?" Tom whispered to Bragg to offer the Dutchman a dollar. This suggestion had its effect, and the silver coin obtained from the proprietor of the stable a place for the duelist's placard.

Having made his donation to the Dutchman, Bragg was spreading his paste on the side of the donkey's dwelling when a loud shout was heard in the street. A crowd of men and boys were seen advancing, and in their midst, covered with mud and filth from head to foot, and led along by two st.u.r.dy Irishmen, was a most pitiable and disgusting object. His face had received a coating of wet clay, which was gradually getting dry, and made his visage as ugly as an idol in a Hindoo temple. His clothing was befouled with slime; and the two men held him at arm's length, so as to avoid the defilement of actual contact.

"By the powers of mud! what is that?" exclaimed Bragg.

"One of the powers aforesaid coming in answer to your invocation, I suppose," said Seddon.