The Funny Philosophers Part 3

"Apologize! Apologize for knocking Botts down? Impossible, sir!"

"How impossible? Cannot a man apologize for what he has done?"

"Mr. Pate, you are well versed in legal lore, but you seem to be profoundly ignorant of a very stringent article in the code of honor."

"And what is that, sir?"

"One of the thirty-nine articles of the code of dueling, compiled by 'A Southron,' prohibits a gentleman, who has received a blow, from accepting an apology until the party who has dealt the blow first allows himself to be slapped on the face in the most public place in the town.

Now, do you suppose that Captain Bragg will consent to stand in the street, in front of the hotel, before a crowd of spectators, male and female, and allow Botts to knock him down, and then get up and apologize for having knocked Botts down? Impossible, sir! impossible! There can be no apology."

"No apology? If a man is sorry for what he has done, is he prohibited from saying so? Monstrous, sir! monstrous! Is this a Christian country?"

"I believe it is; and dueling is a Christian practice."

"I deny it most emphatically, sir. It is a barbarous, a heathenish practice!"

"Why, Mr. Pate, who ever heard of the code of honor among the heathen Greeks or Romans, or among any other heathens, ancient or modern?

Christians are the only duelists. The custom originated with the knights who fought for the Cross and against the Crescent. It has been the favorite mode of settling difficulties, among gentlemen in Christian countries, ever since. Yes, sir; and even churchmen have fought duels. A parson, in one of our Southern States, once challenged a layman, and shot him through the heart in accordance with the code of honor."[1]

"Horrible! Mr. Belton, what--what is to be done?"

"Why, I suppose, we must let the men fight, if they are determined to do so."

"Can we not apply to a justice of the peace? Can we not have them arrested?"

"Mr. Pate, if you were to do so, public opinion is such that you would be mobbed, ridden on a rail, pelted with rotten eggs, and your life might be in danger."

"My dear, dear sir, what--what is to be done? I cannot see poor Botts shot down,--cut off in the flower of his days!"

Here Mr. Pate was so overcome by his feelings that the big tears began to roll down his cheeks, and Tom Seddon's heart was softened.

"Why, Mr. Pate," said he, "there will be no duel if Botts does not send the challenge. Could you not use your influence with him, and induce him to heap coals of fire on Bragg's head by forgiving the injury?"

"And I promise you," said Belton, "that if the duel does come off, it shall not have a tragical termination. I will not advise Bragg to fire in the air; for a friend of mine once did so and shot a boy, who was perched among the boughs of a cherry-tree, through the calf of the leg.

Since then I have always been opposed to the absurd and dangerous practice of firing in the air. Seconds, however, can usually prevent bloodshed, unless their princ.i.p.als are exceedingly savage and sanguinary. But I think that the suggestion of my friend Seddon is a good one. You should hurry back, and endeavor to prevent Botts from sending the challenge."

"I will do so! I will do so! G.o.d bless you both!" And with this benediction Pate hurried away in extreme agitation.

FOOTNOTE:

[1] This happened in Maryland many years ago.

CHAPTER IV.

"Your friend Mr. Pate seems to be a very humane and benevolent man,"

said Seddon, when the peacemaker had taken his departure.

"None more so," said Belton. "Pate is not more remarkable for his extraordinary genius than for the vast quant.i.ty of the milk of human kindness which he has in his composition. It was the activity and originality of his mind, controlled by the benevolence of his disposition, which caused him to become the founder of a secret order, which will some day make his name ill.u.s.trious in the annals of the benefactors of the human race."

"To what order do you allude?"

"To the M. O. O. S. S."

"What do those letters signify?"

"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts."

"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts! Why, Toney, you are joking! Who ever heard of such an organization?"

"No joke at all. You have heard of the Order of Seven Wise Men, have you not?"

"Why, yes; but that is an organization founded on principles of benevolence,--somewhat like the Masons, or Odd-Fellows, I suppose."

"And so is the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. It is founded on principles of benevolence. Its object is the welfare of woman."

"In what way do they propose to promote so desirable an object?"

"Pate is a keen observer and a profound and original thinker; and after much meditation he arrived at the conclusion that single women are much happier than those who are married, as is evident from the gayety of young girls, and the sedate, subdued, and careworn appearance of the majority of their wedded sisters. Could girls be persuaded that a state of single blessedness is preferable, all would be well; but the giddy things have their heads full of love and romance, and are but too eager to run into the meshes of matrimony. In all ages, and in all countries, this proclivity of the female s.e.x has been apparent. Even in Crim Tartary, where marriages are solemnized by the singular ceremony of a horse-race, and where the maiden is mounted on a fleet courser, and has the advantage of half a mile start of the man, who must catch her before she reaches a certain designated point in the road, or there is no marriage, what is usually the result? Why, as soon as the word 'Go!' is given, the man makes a vigorous application of whip and spur, while the silly jade, though admirably mounted, holds in her horse and allows herself to be caught before she gets to the end of the course. From extensive observation, Pate was convinced that women are the same all over the world, and will either rush into matrimony, or, like the Tartar maiden, let matrimony overtake them on the road. He plainly perceived that no argument, admonition, or persuasion could prevent them from so doing, and therefore determined on the adoption of a plan which, when thoroughly perfected, will render it almost impossible for young maidens to get married."

"How is that to be accomplished?"

"The Order of Seven Sweethearts is composed of men who cannot marry.

They are as strictly a brotherhood of bachelors as were the Fratres Ignorantiae, or any other monkish order of the olden times. Their duties are important and onerous. They are under an obligation to court all young women, but must never propose marriage. They are especially instructed to be vigilant and prevent gentlemen, who are evidently premeditating matrimony, from paying any of those little delicate attentions which are preliminary to such an event. In order that they may do this, they are required to be in all houses inhabited by young ladies at an early hour in the evening, and are forbidden to leave until every hat and cane have disappeared from the hall. It was thus that Simon Dobbs was prevented from enjoying the society of Susan."

"Pray who is Simon Dobbs?"

"A very worthy citizen of my town. Dobbs had a snug home, and knew a sweet little angel who hadn't a pair of wings behind her shoulders and couldn't fly away, and he longed for an opportunity to invite her to take possession of his domicile. On a certain evening Dobbs was sitting alone on his porch in the moonlight, and was indulging in a delicious reverie, in which visions of future felicity became beautifully apparent. In ten years after this angelic being had taken charge of his domestic affairs he would have--here Dobbs began to count on his fingers--one--two--three--four--five--six--yes, seven sweet little cherubs fluttering around him,--three girls and four boys,--two of them twins, and the finest fellows you ever saw in your life. Here Dobbs s.n.a.t.c.hed up his hat and hurried off to see Susan, fully determined on a matrimonial proposal. But when the unlucky Dobbs entered the parlor he found one of the mystic brotherhood seated by her side. Dobbs waited until a late hour, and was compelled to go home without an opportunity of saying a word on the important subject which occupied all his thoughts. Dobbs dreamed of Susan and the seven sweet little cherubs every night, and every evening, when he called to see her, he found one of the order on duty in the parlor. Poor Dobbs wanted to ask Susan a simple question, but doubted the propriety of doing so in the presence of witnesses. On one occasion Dobbs lingered to a late hour, in the hope that Perch, who was seated by the side of Susan, would leave. The clock struck twelve and Perch still remained on duty. It was then that Dobbs began to seriously apprehend his fate. Unless Azrael should interpose and remove Perch and his brethren to another sphere of existence, his house would never become the habitation of an angel and seven sweet little cherubs. That night Dobbs went home in despair and wished he was a ghost."

"A what?"

"A ghost. Now, Mr. Seddon, you need not open your eyes in wonder at such a wish, for I tell you that those invisible gentlemen who perambulate the air have a great advantage over us poor mortals, who have to waddle about on two legs and carry a burden of one hundred and fifty or two hundred pounds of flesh on our bones, which is a manifest inconvenience to freedom of locomotion. A ghost can do pretty much as he sees fit. He can get on a car and travel as long as he pleases, and the conductor will not nudge him and ask him for his ticket. He can seat himself every Sunday in the best pew of the most fas.h.i.+onable church, and n.o.body will ever call upon him for pew rent; and he can go to theaters and all places of amus.e.m.e.nt without apprehension of having his pockets picked or his watch stolen. A ghost never hits his s.h.i.+ns against anything in the dark which will make a saint in the flesh swear, but can pa.s.s through a stone wall like a current of electricity; and when he wants to be in any distant place, all he has to do is to ride on his own wish and be instantly conveyed to the spot. He can stand with his bare feet on the tip of the North Pole without danger to his ten toes from the frost, and he can then by mere volition instantaneously transfer himself to the tropics, where, as Captain Bragg has informed me, the milk of the cocoanut almost scalds a monkey's mouth at mid-day, and at either place the temperature is just as agreeable to a ghost. A ghost can slip down his neighbor's chimney and peep into his pot and see what he is going to have for his dinner."

"That," said Seddon, "must be a great satisfaction to the ghosts of those enterprising individuals who are given to minding other people's business instead of attending to their own."

"Very true. But don't interrupt me, Tom, now I am on the subject of ghosts. Among the manifest advantages of being a ghost is one which above all others is deserving of especial consideration. A ghost can see a person's thoughts. Being fond of sweet things, ghosts experience great pleasure in watching the thoughts of ladies who are meditating upon their absent lovers. When a young maiden is thinking about her lover who is far away, her thoughts wander off to him and return, looking as sweet as little bees with their legs laden with honey leaving a field of fragrant clover and coming home to the hive. And if any poor fellow has a sweetheart, and is not certain whether she cares a fig for him or not, he should not be sitting all day in the dumps and looking as sulky as a bear with a sore head. Just let him make a ghost of himself, and he will be able to see down to the very bottom of her gizzard; and if she cares anything about him, her thoughts will look like lumps of candy-kisses, labeled with poetry and wrapped up in blue paper."

"I wouldn't mind being a ghost myself," said Seddon.

"In order that you might have a peep at the musings and meditations of pretty Ida? But you blush, Tom."

"Nonsense, Toney. Go on with your story about Dobbs. I am much interested in the poor fellow's fate."

"Well, Dobbs had an intuitive perception of the advantages which I have mentioned; and so he ardently desired to be a ghost. But seeing no chance of soon being promoted to a ghosts.h.i.+p, and not being able to ascertain the sentiments of Susan while he remained in the flesh, he was finally compelled to leave her in the hands of the mystic brotherhood.

In his solitary home be now began to brood over his misfortune. He came to the conclusion that a bachelor is much in the condition of an ownerless dog,--n.o.body caring whether he is brought home dead or alive; while if a Benedict even barks his s.h.i.+ns, he has some one to sympathize with him and soothe him with caresses, which check his inclination to utter profane exclamations and enable him to endure the severe trial with manly fort.i.tude. So, after much meditation, Dobbs determined that as he was not permitted to obtain an angel for love, he would see if he could not get a woman for money. Immediately subsequent to the adoption of this wise resolution he was on a visit to one of our metropolitan towns, and while walking the street observed in large letters over a door the words FAMILIES SUPPLIED HERE. Dobbs came to the conclusion that it was the very place he was looking for. So he walked in and asked a surly giant who seemed to have charge of the establishment, if he could furnish him with----"