The Funny Philosophers Part 4

"An angel and seven sweet little cherubs?"

"Not so. Perhaps the state of his finances did not admit of so extravagant a purchase. He simply asked if he could furnish him with a wife and a couple of children, either girls or boys,--he was not particular which they were."

"I suppose that his moderate demand was complied with?"

"I am sorry to say that it was not. Persons are liable to be misunderstood. The big fellow was in an ill humor, and supposed that Dobbs wanted to make game of him. He replied in rude and insulting language, and aimed several imprecations at his customer's organs of vision. Dobbs's blood began to boil, and he reciprocated the shopkeeper's compliments in synonymous terms. Then he suddenly saw a mult.i.tude of stars before his eyes and found himself in a rec.u.mbent position on the floor. Dobbs went home looking very much like a man who had inadvertently overturned a bee-hive and seriously irritated its inhabitants. His sad experience caused him to abandon all hope of obtaining a wife either for love or for money."

"And so the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts baffled poor Dobbs in his efforts to adorn his domicile with an angel and seven sweet little cherubs! But what became of Susan?"

"She is still in a state of single blessedness. Every evening some one of the Order of Seven Sweethearts may be seen seated by her side. They ride with her, and walk with her, and talk love to her, but never propose matrimony. Of course, the rules of the order forbid them to do that; and never but once was a brother known to be unfaithful to his vows. William Wiggins was the recreant member, and he was severely punished for his want of fidelity."

"In what way?"

"He was tried and convicted of the grave offense of falling in love with the land and negroes of a certain widow and proposing marriage. M. T.

Pate delivered the sentence of expulsion in a very feeling speech, which drew tears from the eyes of every member of the brotherhood."

"What did Wiggins do?"

"Ostracized by his brethren, he proceeded to lay siege to the widow with great activity, and with such success that she soon capitulated."

"And I suppose that they were married and----"

"You are too fast, Tom. They encountered a stumbling-block on their road to the altar. Through the culpable negligence of his parents, Wiggins had never been baptized, and the widow, being a strict member of the church, would not consent to marry a man whose spiritual condition approximated to that of a poor benighted heathen. She insisted that he should either be sprinkled or immersed before the solemnization of the nuptial ceremony. Wiggins, who was willing to undergo any ordeal for the sake of the real and personal property of the bewitching widow, agreed to be sprinkled; and it was arranged that the consecrated fluid should be applied on the morning of an appointed day, and that they should be married in the afternoon and immediately proceed on their wedding tour.

In the mean while Wiggins, in order to be fully prepared, procured a book containing the usual questions and answers, and labored hard in committing to memory the responses which would be required of him in each ceremony. When the eventful day arrived, he flattered himself that his preparation had been thorough; and in the first ceremony be acquitted himself admirably. But when he stood before the altar with the blus.h.i.+ng widow be got strangely confused, and upon being asked, 'Wilt thou have this woman for thy wedded wife?' to the utter astonishment of the worthy clergyman he replied, in a decided tone, 'I renounce them all, and pray G.o.d that I may not be led nor governed by them.' The widow screamed as if a mouse had run over the tips of her toes, and was carried out of the church in a fainting fit. Wiggins followed, and when she was restored to consciousness wanted to explain; but she vehemently denounced him as a villain who had decoyed her to the church by false pretenses in order that he might insult her before the very altar and in the presence of her venerable pastor. From that day she would have nothing more to say to him, and he was compelled to abandon all hope of ever obtaining possession of her real and personal estate. The reply which Wiggins made to the minister who wanted to marry him to the widow having been reported to M. T. Pate, he immediately expressed an opinion that it afforded satisfactory proof of the sincere repentance of their unfortunate and erring brother. By Pate's advice, Wiggins was again received into the order, and is now here in Bella Vista for the purpose of performing his duty as a faithful and efficient member of the mystic brotherhood."

"I would really like to hear more of this man M. T. Pate," said Seddon.

"My curiosity has been aroused, and I desire to know something of his previous history."

"Your desire can be easily gratified. I have already commenced writing his biography."

"Writing his biography?"

"Yes. It is perfectly apparent to me that M. T. Pate is destined to become a very distinguished personage. Somebody will write his biography, and why not I? One chapter has been completed, which, with your permission, I will read."

At that moment there was a knock at the door, and Captain Bragg entered the room.

CHAPTER V.

"It has been said that the worst use you can make of a man is to hang him. I think, Captain Bragg, that the next worst is to shoot him."

This remark was made by Toney after Bragg, having first shown him the challenge which he had received from Botts and requested him to act as his second, had emphatically expressed a truculent determination to put the challenger to death with powder and ball.

"And," said Seddon, "some men are not worth the ammunition expended on them."

"By the powers of mud! what do you mean, Mr. Seddon?" exclaimed Bragg.

"Is not Mr. Botts a gentleman? Do I not find him in the very best society?"

"Not certainly in the very best society when he is found quarreling with a monkey," said Seddon.

"With a monkey! Mr. Seddon? Gentlemen, I would have you know that it was no ordinary monkey that Botts so brutally a.s.saulted in the ball-room. He was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar. I would defend that monkey with my blood; and had not Botts challenged me, I would have challenged him for the insult offered to my monkey. Monkeys have emotions and sensibilities in their bosoms as well as we have, Mr.

Seddon."

"Then, they have souls as well as tails?" said Seddon.

"I have no doubt," said Bragg, "that a high-bred monkey, like mine, brought up in a royal palace and tenderly cared for, can feel an insult as keenly as a man."

"Then, Captain Bragg," said Seddon, "why not refer Botts for satisfaction to the monkey?"

"Because, sir, monkeys are not yet sufficiently advanced in civilization to understand the code of honor. But the time may come when they will."

"What!" exclaimed Seddon, "do you mean to say that the time may come when monkeys will challenge one another to single combat, and fight with hair-trigger pistols like civilized men?"

"Yes, sir," said Bragg.

"I suppose that will be after they have dropped their tails," said Seddon.

"Of course," said Bragg. "Man is but an improved species of monkey. Our ancestors were once monkeys, and carried long tails behind them."[2]

Here Tom Seddon fell back on a sofa and roared with laughter. Toney Belton reproved his friend for this unbecoming levity, and gravely remarked that learned men coincided with Captain Bragg in opinion, and that Lord Monboddo confidently a.s.serted there was a race of men in Africa who still had tails.

"That is true, sir," said Bragg. "I have seen them myself;--have eaten and drank with them, and----" Here Tom Seddon exploded with laughter; while Toney remarked that Monboddo said that these long-tailed individuals were horrible cannibals, and were particularly fond of Dutchmen.

"I don't know about their fondness for Dutchmen," said Bragg. "I am an Anglo-Saxon, and I know that they treated me with great kindness; I remained with them for months; and many of them shed tears when I took my departure."

"Your discovery of this race of men in Africa seems to confirm the rabbinical theory," said Toney.

"What is that?" inquired Bragg.

"The learned rabbinical doctors, in whose wisdom we should have great confidence, a.s.sert that man was originally created with a long tail."

"Just as I said!" exclaimed Bragg. "Did I not tell you so?"

"If such was his original conformation," said Toney, "we must suppose that it was afterwards observed that this appendage was of no use to him at all, and, indeed, would often be a serious inc.u.mbrance; for when in battle a hero was hard pressed and compelled to retreat, his enemy might seize him by the tail, and hold him fast until he had cut off his head."

"That is a fact," said Bragg. "So he might."

"And when in the progress of civilization the toilet became of importance in the estimation of mankind, the decoration of the tail would be exceedingly troublesome and expensive."

"I should think so," said Seddon. "I should think that it could hardly be managed even by the most experienced and scientific _tailors_."

"Tom Seddon," said Toney, "Dr. Johnson was of opinion that when a man attempted a pun in company he ought to be knocked down. But let me proceed in pointing out the obvious disadvantages of wearing tails. For instance, fas.h.i.+onable gentlemen, after having spent large sums of money in the elaborate adornment of their tails, might have them trodden upon as they walked the streets, and numerous a.s.saults and batteries might thus be occasioned."

"No doubt of it! no doubt of it!" said Bragg. "I witnessed many fierce encounters among my friends in Africa, caused by men inadvertently treading on their neighbors' tails."

"Yes," said Toney, "some irascible editor or orator might have his tail crushed by the foot of his adversary on the hard pavement, and a mortal combat would be the lamentable consequence. Indeed, I would not answer for the patience and fort.i.tude of a pious parson if, as he walked along the aisle of his church, one of the congregation should carelessly tread on his caudal extremity. I seriously apprehend that the reverend man would exhibit the irritability of a ferocious animal of the feline species under similar circ.u.mstances. Therefore, such being the great and manifest disadvantages of wearing tails, we must suppose that this useless appendage was severed from the body of the man."