The Funny Philosophers Part 35

"Indeed, he was very near falling in Rosabel's lap," said the widow.

"And what did they do with Dove?" asked Ida.

"Ladies," said the Professor, "I have made inquiry, and can answer your questions. Those three gallant knights were carried from the lists to the town. No bones had been broken, but their nerves were terribly shattered. They were conducted to a chamber in the hotel, and strong tonics brought from the bar and skillfully administered by the landlord.

At this very moment, Love, Dove, and Bliss are snugly sleeping in the same bed, and probably dreaming of future fields of glory."

CHAPTER XXVII.

In the society of the beautiful Ida, Tom Seddon pa.s.sed seven days of rapture. Every morning and evening he was at the mansion of the Widow Wild, and had eyes and ears for n.o.body but Ida. The Professor informed Toney that in their walks homeward by moonlight, Tom was usually as silent as a man who had a difficult problem in his head for solution, and that on several occasions, when he had endeavored to engage him in conversation, he had started from a reverie, and exclaimed, "Indeed, Miss Ida, what you say is very true."

"He mistook you for Ida?" asked Toney.

"To be sure he did," said the Professor. "Mistook me for a young lady.

Is it not a pretty piece of business for the founder of the sect of Funny Philosophers to have the imagination of one of his disciples clothing him in petticoats? Toney, tell me, candidly, do I look like Ida?"

"Not much, I must confess," said Toney, laughing. "But Ida's image is impressed on Tom's organ of vision, and when he looks at you the image aforesaid is dancing in the intervening s.p.a.ce."

"And so he mistakes me for the young lady. Tom Seddon is getting to be really disagreeable," said the Professor. "During the day, when Ida is not present, he is as absent-minded as was ever old Sir Isaac Newton; and at night, as we occupy the same room in the hotel, I am annoyed by his somniloquism."

"What does he say?" asked Toney.

"I cannot comprehend his incoherent mutterings, but sometimes hear 'Ida, Ida,' articulated with tender emphasis. I do wish that Tom would get out of Doubting Castle."

"What sort of a place is that?" asked Toney.

"A place in which all young ladies compel their lovers to dwell for a period, either long or short, according to their whim or caprice. I have known some maidens, who looked as meek and gentle as the doves that cooed in the garden of Eden in the days of primeval innocence, exhibit as much cruelty to their captives as did Old Giant Despair to the poor Pilgrims who had fallen into his hands. Indeed, I have known some lovers held in Doubting Castle for years."

"Do you think that Tom's term of imprisonment will be of long duration?"

"I think not. Ida's uncle is opposed to Tom's suit, is he not?"

"Oh, very much. He puts almost insuperable barriers between Tom and Ida.

He sometimes chases Tom out of his house by pretending to have a fit of canine rabies."

"This opposition on the part of the old Cerberus will be the means of soon liberating Tom from Doubting Castle."

"How so?"

"As I said on a former occasion, women are like pigs: if you try to head them off they will give a squeal and bolt by you, and travel the very road you didn't want them to go. Old Crabstick will soon find this out.

Tom Seddon will not long remain in Doubting Castle."

"Yonder he comes now," said Toney.

"He is out of the Castle,--I know it," said the Professor.

"What makes you think so?"

"Look at how he walks. His head is up. His step is as light as if his feet were feathers. Yesterday he held his head down, as if he were calculating the distance to the antipodes, and walked as if he had a large quant.i.ty of lead in the bottom of his boots. I'll bet that he don't call me Miss Ida after to-day."

Tom Seddon approached them with his face radiant with smiles. He took Toney by the hand and shook it energetically. He then seized the Professor by both hands and gave him a violent shaking.

"It is a beautiful day," said Tom.

"It is always so," said the Professor, "after----"

"After what?" asked Tom.

"After the sun comes from behind the clouds," said the Professor.

"Toney, my dear fellow, I want to speak to you," said Tom, taking Toney by the arm and leading him aside.

"I knew it," muttered the Professor to himself. "The gates of Doubting Castle are wide open. He is out. How happy he looks! I wonder if it always makes a man feel so happy? I wish I could find Dora. I'd risk another negative."

Tom told Toney his secret. He had walked with Ida in the Widow Wild's garden, and had told the young lady how---- But this ought not to be repeated. He and Ida had exchanged vows of eternal fidelity, and Miss Somers had promised to become Mrs. Seddon at some future period not yet clearly designated. This was a profound secret between Toney and Tom, and the latter was confident that the Professor did not even guess at it, as was evident from the very grave manner with which he remarked, as they came where he stood,--

"Toney, it is about time for me to go home and prepare for the exhibition. You will be there to-night?"

"Yes, Tom and I will be there, and bring the ladies."

The Professor proceeded to his lodging, while Toney and Tom walked to the residence of the Widow Wild, and sat on the porch with Rosabel and Ida.

Joseph Boneskull, the learned phrenologist, was to make a public examination of heads, and, as a sort of afterpiece, the Professor had promised to make some experiments in biology. This he did merely as an amateur, and for the entertainment of his friends. The profits of the exhibition inured to the benefit of Boneskull.

There was a large crowd gathered in the town hall of Mapleton. Toney and Tom escorted Ida, Rosabel, and the widow to the exhibition, and secured for them comfortable seats.

"Who is that little man seated on the platform?" asked Rosabel.

"That is the phrenologist," said Toney.

"What is that thing on the table before him?" asked Rosabel.

"The phrenologist informed me that it was the skull of a distinguished negro lawyer of Timbuctoo," said Toney.

"It looks like a sheep's head," said the widow.

Boneskull now arose and made a few remarks, tending to show what important results the science of phrenology was destined to produce; saying that in the administration of justice the guilt or innocence of parties accused of crimes could be ascertained with certainty by an inspection of their craniums; that men could thus know what occupation or calling they should pursue, and whom they should marry; remarking, with emphasis, that no gentleman should venture upon matrimony until he had first made a critical examination of the young lady's head.

"What's that he says?" asked the widow.

"Why, mother, he says that gentlemen should examine young ladies' heads when they court them," said Rosabel.

"If I were a young lady," said the widow, "I would like to see any man come pawing about my head."

Tom looked at Ida, and Ida blushed, and Tom was satisfied and willing to venture on matrimony without an examination of that beautiful head covered with long and luxuriant tresses.