The Funny Philosophers Part 7

"Broad-axes!" said Wiggins.

"What did you say, Mr. Wiggins? I did not distinctly hear you."

"Broad-axes! Mr. Botts, I say broad-axes!"

"What?" exclaimed Mr. Botts, rising from his seat.

"Broad-axes!" said Wiggins, also rising and moving nearer to Botts.

"Broad-axes, I say broad-axes!"

Botts's ugly countenance now a.s.sumed a very peculiar expression. One of those ideas which suddenly rush into a man's mind and master it in a moment presented itself, and immediately became dominant. He supposed that Wiggins had become demented, and that he was in the presence of a maniac. Botts had as much of the common quality of physical courage as most of the male gender, but, like many a brave man, he had an intense horror of crazy people. He retreated. Wiggins advanced towards him, anxious to explain, and lifting his hand in the act of gesticulation.

"Stand back!" shouted Botts, grasping a chair, and elevating it over his head,--"stand back, or I will knock you down!"

"Botts! Botts!" exclaimed Wiggins, lifting up both hands in violent agitation, being utterly astounded at this hostile demonstration on the part of his princ.i.p.al,--"Botts! Botts! I--I--said--broad-axes!"

"Help! help! murder! murder!" shouted Botts; and he aimed a blow at Wiggins, who dodged it, and, tumbling over a table, fell sprawling on the carpet, while the chair flew from Botts's hands and went with a crash against the door. In an instant there was a rush of people from the adjoining apartments and the room was filled with spectators.

"Good heavens!" exclaimed M. T. Pate, addressing himself to Botts, who had armed himself with another chair, and stood brandis.h.i.+ng it in a corner of the room with an air of desperate determination,--"good heavens! Mr. Botts, what does this mean?"

"Gentlemen, such scenes cannot be allowed in my house," said the landlord. "Mr. Botts, this is the second time you have raised an uproar in this establishment."

"Botts, you shall answer for this outrage!" exclaimed Wiggins, rising on his feet and looking Botts in the face with a most truculent aspect.

"Are you not crazy?" said Botts.

"Crazy!" vociferated Wiggins, advancing towards Botts, who dodged behind Pate. "_You_ are crazy, sir! You are as mad as a March hare, sir! You are a dangerous man! I will have you in a lunatic asylum before you are a day older, sir! Gentlemen, I call upon you to a.s.sist me in securing this madman."

"By Jupiter! I think you are both lunatics," said the landlord.

"Mr. Wiggins, there most he some mistake," said Pate. "Botts is not crazy."

"No madder man ever broke out of bedlam!" said Wiggins. "He will kill somebody if he is not put in a strait-jacket."

"What was all this about?" asked Pate.

"About?" said Wiggins. "Why, sir, I was merely repeating something which Mr. Belton had said to me, when up jumped Botts and aimed a blow at my head with chair; and had I out dodged as quickly as I did, he would have knocked my brains out. Is such a man fit to run at large through this house? Do you call him sane, Mr. Pate? Sane!--if he's sane, you might as well pull down all the lunatic asylums in the land and let their inmates out to----"

"Stop! Wiggins, stop! I begin to see," said Botts. "You are not crazy, after all! Did you say you were merely repeating what Belton had said to you?"

"Nothing more," said Wiggins. "And was that any reason why I should be----"

"My dear, dear fellow!" said Botts. "It was a mistake! I see! Give me your hand. I ask ten thousand pardons!"

Botts advanced towards Wiggins, who retreated a step, and then stood his ground and took the proffered hand.

"Thank G.o.d," said Pate, "there will be no duel!"

"Crazy men are not allowed to fight duels," said the landlord.

"Gentlemen," said Botts, "I call you to witness that it was all my fault. I beg Mr. Wiggins's pardon."

"It is granted," said Wiggins.

"And now, gentlemen," said Botts, "be so good as to leave us to ourselves. You see it is all made up, and we are the best friends in the world."

At this request all left the room. M. T. Pate, however, lingered at the door for a moment, and said, in an admonitory tone,--

"For Heaven's sake, Botts, do not quarrel with Wiggins again!"

"No fear of that, Mr. Pate." And with this a.s.surance Pate closed the door.

Botts being alone with his second, there was a repet.i.tion of apologies and mutual explanations; after which each became a.s.sured of the sanity of the other, and was more at his ease.

"But," asked Botts, "did Belton really say anything about broad-axes?"

Wiggins hesitated. He seemed to be afraid to again give utterance to a word which had just put him in such imminent peril. At length he said, in a low tone,--

"He did, indeed."

"What connection had this with the duel?"

"As the representative of Captain Bragg, he proposed that you should fight with broad-axes."

Botts sprang from the chair and overturned the table; and Wiggins, apprehensive of another a.s.sault, jumped up and put himself in an att.i.tude of defense.

M. T. Pate, who was lingering in the corridor in trembling expectation of another quarrel, rushed to the door, but it was bolted.

"Mr. Botts! Mr. Botts!" cried Pate.

"Go to the devil!" shouted Botts.

"Good heavens! what is to be done?" said Pate. "He has Wiggins locked in the room, and will beat out his brains with a chair!"

"I'll break down the door and put strait-jackets on both of them!" said the landlord, who had hurried back at the alarm given by Pate.

Botts now opened the door and a.s.sured the people in the corridor that they were not fighting, but were as amicable as men could be. Having received a similar a.s.surance from Wiggins, Pate and the landlord had no excuse for further interruption, and reluctantly retired; the landlord shaking his head rather dubiously as he did so, and muttering something about strait-jackets and lunatic asylums.

Botts closed and bolted the door, and then earnestly asked,--

"You certainly did not agree that I should fight Captain Bragg with a broad-axe?"

"No, indeed!" said Wiggins. "With much difficulty I obtained from Mr.

Belton a compromise."

"What sort of a compromise?" asked Botts.

"You are to fight with just such weapons as Belton produces on the ground."