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The Left Ear – Chapter 11
It was finally over.
I buried myself in books for the long summer break. Every other day, I’d go to the library and bring back a big pile of books. During that time, I liked to read foreign novels. One by one, I’d borrow them to read, I don’t even remember the names. Sometimes in the midst of a story, the main character would cry. When I read that, I never felt anything, but I would continue to borrow another book.
Just like that, I kept reading. Patiently waiting for my admission notice, patiently waiting for the summer break to pa.s.s.
Sometimes I would log on to my blog and post a few lines, or chat a little with You Ta on QQ, or check Zhang Yang’s letters. I heard that Zhang Yang went to Yunnan, but I didn’t know if he was having fun. The contact we had with each other was actually very little. Sometimes a letter would come, but it would just be a few words, nothing new. Sometimes I’d be sitting by the window, reading my books, when I recalled that night that he hugged me. The me from that night didn’t really seem to be me. Bold, rash, reckless. I thought about Bala’s attachment to him, and it was probably like this too. The unfortunate thing was that it cost her her life, something that she’d never get back.
The day I received my admission notice from Shanghai, Mom invited our relatives and friends to go out to eat and celebrate. I was in the Chinese (language and literature?) department. Dad was happy with that. He would always chatter on, “Daughter studying Chinese is good, good, very good.”
My aunt yelled at him, “Ay, aren’t you done yet?”
He laughed. Then he’d pound the table with his chopsticks, like singing the opera.
Everyone was very joyous. Except for You Ta.
My mom scolded him some, “What’s the matter with you? Your sister got into college, but you’re not happy. Are you brokenhearted over someone?”
“I haven’t been dating! Don’t just say things!” he rushed, and everyone laughed together.
I knew that You Ta wasn’t dating. He was continuing his studies at Tsinghua, and would take the post-grad entrance exams and go abroad. For him, it was the obvious and natural path.
I looked at him with a smile. He didn’t understand and asked, “What are you laughing about?”
I said, “You got fatter.”
Slightly embarra.s.sed, he said, “And you’ve gotten thinner. Are you trying to lose weight?”
“What do you mean,” I said. “My genes are very good, no matter how much I eat, I don’t get fat.”
“You’re becoming more of a smooth talker,” he criticized me.
He was always like that, acting like an older brother every chance he had. I didn’t bother with him, but turned my attentions to the fish in the pan. But he still couldn’t stop, “Watch out for the bones. This fish’s bones are really serious.”
I said, “If you’re scared of bones, you just shouldn’t eat fish.”
In a somewhat helpless voice, he said, “You’re always so mean to me.”
The restaurant package wasn’t bad, and they even had a big terrace. When we finished eating, the adults all went outside to chat. I saw You Ta stand up and walk out to the terrace to look at the sky. I thought that I was a bit mean earlier, with a temper for no reason, and it was a bit unreasonable. So I walked over to him, and asked, “What’s the matter? What’s with the frown? Are you really feeling heartbroken?”
“No,” he said. “The stars at home are really the best to look at. The ones in Beijing are all inevitably building tops.”
“When are you returning to Beijing?” I asked him. I knew he’d made a special trip back to celebrate with me. His break was very busy, with a lot of things to do.
“Another two days,” he said.
I feigned relaxation and asked, “Actually, you could have just called to send your congratulations. You didn’t have to come all the way back. I know you’re really busy in Beijing, right?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Very busy. I have a couple of jobs.”
“Don’t think about money so much,” I said. “Your health is important.”
“Li Er, I like someone,” he suddenly said.
“Who?” I almost jumped from surprise. “What’s she like? Tell me!”
“It’s better not to say,” he said. “Actually, I’m working to hard to make money so that I can buy her a new phone.”
“Oh,” I ridiculed. “The power of love really can’t be calculated. Hurry and tell me, what’s she like?”
He said the same thing, “It’s better not to say.”
“Oh,” I said. “When I have time, I’ll go to Beijing to play with you guys?”
He turned around and asked me, “Why do you like Beijing?”
“I’ve never been, so I want to see it. And also see who your girlfriend is.”
“Then why didn’t you try to go to a school in Beijing?”
“You think I’m like you, and can get into any school I want to?” I asked. “I’m already very happy to have gotten in somewhere. Also, Shanghai is close to home, so my mom won’t worry as much.”
“With your college exam scores, you could have gotten into a lot of schools in Beijing. Moreover, I’m in Beijing. Why would your mom worry?”
“Let’s not talk about this,” I said. “Tell me, where are you going to take me out to play?”
“Wherever you want,” he said.
When he looked at me, his eyes were full of favor. I couldn’t look into his eyes anymore, so I s.h.i.+fted my attention and looked up at the sky. In that moment, I realized, even if I were to go to Beijing, I couldn’t go to find You Ta.
I understood why You Ta brought up him and his girlfriend. Maybe he understood in his heart too. We weren’t the same. He said it so that I would feel at ease. He and I would always be family. We would be brothers forever, but it would never become love. And I would be starting college soon. The past felt like a different lifetime. I hoped that I could have a new start, to be reborn from this world that I can’t forget.
“Make sure you take care of yourself when you go,” he said to me.
“Oh,” I responded with an uncommon impatience.
Suddenly, I saw a shooting star cross the sky. I pulled on You Ta’s sleeve and shouted, “Hey, shooting star! Shooting star! Hurry and make a wis.h.!.+”
The star disappeared in a moment.
You Ta scolded me, “Stupid, there’s no point in grabbing my clothes. You should tie a knot on your clothes then make a wish. Then the wish will come true.”
I shrugged and frowned.
You Ta asked me, “Li Er, if the shooting star could really grant you a wish, can you tell me what you would wish for?”
“You first!”
“You first.”
“You say it first!”
“Okay, I’ll go first.” You Ta thought for a moment, “I wish that the girl I like will always be happy.”
Oh, he was so infatuated!
It was my turn. I coughed, and then said seriously, “I hope that everyone in the world will be happy.”
You Ta looked at me, and I blinked back.
He suddenly reached out his hand and lovingly pat my head. I laughed and moved away.
The sky grew dark. My phone sounded. It was You Ta. He said, “Li Er, where did you run off to?”
“Outside,” I said.
“It’s like this, my train leaves at 8 for Beijing. I just thought I’d call and let you know.”
“Oh, have a safe trip. Also, make sure to give greetings to your girlfriend from me!”
“Thanks,” he hung up. Relief washed over me.
It was 7 at night when I got home. Mom asked me where I went, and I said I went shopping. She pointed to a box on the table, “You Ta bought that for you.”
I looked at it, and it was a cellphone. Nokia’s new model.
Mom told me, “Your aunt told me that he used all the money he made over summer break to buy this. Originally we were going to buy you one since you got into college, but we couldn’t turn away You Ta’s kind intentions.”
I just stood there, my mind completely blank for five minutes.
When I came back to my senses, I looked at the clock on the wall. Then I ran out the door, carrying the cellphone box. Mom shouted after me, “Li Er, where are you going?!”
“The train station!” I said. “I’ll come back after I see You Ta off!”
I took a taxi to the train station. Standing in the station, with people coming and going, I called You Ta. He told me he already got onto the train. It felt like something was stuck in my throat, and I couldn’t say anything. He asked me first, “Do you like it? I remember you said you liked Nokia.”
“You Ta,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” he said. “I understand clearly. I know that there are some things that you can’t force. I’ll respect your decision.”
“You Ta,” I said. “Don’t be like this.”
“Okay,” he answered gently. “I won’t be like this in the future.”
I couldn’t stand anymore. I could only hold my phone in one hand, the box in another, and crouch on the ground.
I heard You Ta’s voice in my ear, “Li Er, do you know when you look the cutest? It’s when you smile. So remember, no matter what, you have to be happy. You always have to happy. I’m going, bye.” When You Ta finished speaking, the phone cut off. My tears were uncontrollable and fell.
That evening, I went outside the city. I don’t know why, but I suddenly really missed that rooftop that Zhang Yang took me to before. I missed those fleeting and beautiful fireworks. I went to the market and bought a big lighter and a pack of cigarettes, carrying them as I walked. Counting on my memories, I walked for a long while, but couldn’t find the place. I stood out on a field and lit a cigarette. It was my first time smoking. It was 555 brand, I’d seen Bala smoking them before. The smell of the cigarette wasn’t as choking as I’d thought, but it tasted a bit bitter on my tongue. I recalled the way Bala smoked smoke rings and tried it myself. But it was futile and I didn’t succeed. Then I started coughing severely. So I coughed as I smoked and wandered aimlessly around. I kept searching my memories for that rooftop that took in your loneliness, that you could send fireworks off of. I was a capricious child in that way. On that, actually, Bala and I were exactly the same.
The next time I saw Zhang Yang was two days before school started.
I was carrying a pile of books, heading downstairs. I was going to bike to the library to return my books. He was leaning against a tree, not far from my house, smoking. He’d gotten tanner and thinner. He was wearing a big t-s.h.i.+rt, and he hadn’t shaved in many days. If it weren’t for his cap, I almost wouldn’t have recognized him.
“Little Ear,” he called to me.
My steps were a bit unstable.
“You came at just the right time,” he said. “I was about to call you.”
“You’re back?” I found my balance, and with an easygoing tone said, “Long time no see.”
“Yeah.” He put out his cigarette. “Where are you going?”
“To the library to return my books.”
“I’ll go with you,” he said.
“I was going to ride my bike.”
“Then I’ll take you,” he said. “Where’s your bike?”
I handed him my books. Then I went to the garage and took out my dad’s bicycle. The afternoon sun was already not so strong. Zhang Yang put all the books into the basket of the bike. Then he stepped over and onto the bike, turned around and said to me, “Let’s go.”
I hesitated a bit. He smiled and asked, “Scared?”
I got onto the bike.
Zhang Yang peddled and we traveled briskly on the street. The trees on either side of the street were both dazzling with green leaves as the breeze blew. I heard the sound of my white skirt and the friction of the bike wheel. It was a lyrical sound, as if someone’s heart were sighing.
Again, hopelessly, I thought of Bala. I remembered her riding her bicycle, following Xu Yi. Suddenly stopping and going, with a naughty look. Riding the bike at 18 years old, that years memories. A smiling girl, with green around her eyes. The feeling felt so fresh and alive then, as if she’d never left, and she’d always been by our side.
“What are you thinking of?” Zhang Yang turned and asked me loudly.
“Why did you suddenly come back?” I asked.
“My dad’s rheumatism has gotten worse, so I came back to bring him to see a doctor in Beijing.”
“Oh,” I said. “How long are you staying?”
“Just today,” he said. “We’re going back tonight at 8. The tickets are already bought.”
Ah! He was only here for the day, and he came to see me.
“Was Yunnan fun?” I asked.
“I didn’t go, I’ll go next year,” he said. “Oh yeah, where did you get into?”
“First choice,” I said. “Shanghai, Chinese department.”
“That’s good,” he said. “Girls studying Chinese is good. Shanghai isn’t far away.” He sounded just like my dad.
I jumped off the bike in front of the library and thanked him.
He suddenly said, “Go return your books. I still have time. I’ll wait for you and send you back.”
“Thank you, but you really don’t have to.”
“Enough nonsense,” he said. “Go!”
I held my books and ran into the library, worried the staff would be too slow. When I ran out with empty hands, I saw that Zhang Yang was really still waiting there. He was holding a colorful ice cream, and said to me, “You seem to like this one?”
I steadied my heart, not letting it jump up and down with pain. I felt I didn’t hate him anymore.
Bala, let’s both stop hating, okay?
I took the ice cream and ate some, letting the sweetness melt. Then I smiled at Zhang Yang.
“Home?” he asked me.
“No.” I made a decision just then, and said, “Zhang Yang, take me to that rooftop. I wanted to go again, but I couldn’t find it.”
Zhang Yang thought for a moment, “Okay, let’s go!”
Biking was a lot faster than walking. In just a little bit, we’d already reached the destination. This place looked very different in the day compared to the night. The place was rundown, overgrown weeds, a crooked tree.
Zhang Yang leaned on the bike, and said, “You have to come here at night. It doesn’t have meaning in the daytime.”
“Did you always come at night before?”
He looked at me and said, “I’ve only been here twice. Once with Bala and once with you.” He laughed and pulled out a cigarette.
“Give me one,” I said.
“Kids stay to the side!” he said.
“I’ve already smoked several,” I said.
“You?” He stared at me.
“You can’t control me,” I said.
“Don’t push me,” Zhang Yang pointed at me with his cigarette in hand. “If I wanted to control, there’s nothing I can’t control. Do you believe it?”
“I do,” I said.
“Very smart,” he praised. “If you weren’t such a good kid, you’d suffer.”
I looked down at my white dress. There was some mud on it. Zhang Yang bent down and flicked it off. Then he said, “Let’s go back.”
That evening, I crouched down on the small balcony outside my window, smoking. I didn’t crave it, but the cigarettes calmed me. It was 10 PM, and the train headed for Beijing left two hours ago. Two hours, about 300 km journey. And then, it would become 400 km, 500 km, until it was more than 1,000 km.
This long road, I knew it would be difficult to turn back.
Goodbye (see you later). Maybe, we’ll never meet again.
I was the only one who could see my stubborn pursuit. But I hoped I wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t be like Bala, wrong, time after time.
When school started, my parents both sent me to Shanghai.
After we finished the necessary procedures, the three of us went to eat at a simple restaurant near the school. As we ate, Mom’s tears started falling. Dad quickly handed her a napkin. “Don’t worry, our Li Er can definitely take care of herself.” As he said that, he winked at me.
“That’s right, Mom.” I held her hand. “Don’t worry, I’ll call you every day.”
She sobbed, “This child&h.e.l.lip; You’ve had misfortune when you were young, and you’ve never left home before. How can I not worry!”
“Okay, Mom.” I said softly, “These people are all from my school. Think about how embarra.s.sing you’re being.”
“Don’t cry,” my dad said to her. “Tonight, we’ll go shopping in Xintiandi (shopping district)!”
“I want to bring my daughter to the big hospital to get her ear checked,” Mom suddenly said. “There are lots of cars in Shanghai, and the traffic is very disorderly. What if–”
“Mom!” I cut her off. “I’m fine. Don’t just blindly worry. When I cross the street, I promise to carefully check the traffic lights, okay?”
“You definitely can’t listen to your music player as you cross the street!”
“Mm.”
“Make sure to get to the cafeteria early to eat. It’s bad for your stomach to eat cold things.”
“I know.”
“Outside is different from at home. Be sure to get along with others. If you can give way, just give. Don’t be too serious about things.” She was nagging so much. At that moment, I really admired my dad for putting up with it for so many years.
“Okay,” I answered obediently.
“My daughter knows best,” Dad said. “There’s no better child than her. What’s there to worry about?”
“So what if she’s good? There are lots of bad people outside.” My mom’s thoughts really kept curving. My dad and I laughed together, the two of us tacitly continued eating.
Sometimes I think about it, how much my parents love me and how much I also love them. But they cannot see into my heart. I can’t imagine what would happen if they saw me on the balcony smoking, saw me in the arms of a boy. Maybe my mom would faint, who knows. But from that, I really believed that saying, “Hearts are as deep as the seas.”
Who knows what someone else is thinking. And who is someone’s savior.
I knew this, but still, I couldn’t help but to adhere to my own persistence.
Luckily, after freshman orientation was the weekend. I bought a map of Shanghai and studied it for half the day. Then I changed into a new dress and sat on the train for a long while. Then I walked for another long while, before finally arriving to that school. The school plaque was a bit old, and it didn’t quite look the way I imagined. I asked the security desk and also several students, before finding the location of the place I was looking for. I stood at the male dormitory and looked over the list of names that listed everyone’s room. The list was already a bit tattered. I ran my finger across the list, until I finally stopped on a familiar name. An overwhelming sadness took over my heart.
He lived in 302.
It was a very old building with wooden stairs. It would creak a lot as you walked on it, as if you had stepped wrongly. I walked up, step by step. In my heart, I said, “Xu Yi, I’m here.”
I knocked on the door. The person who opened it was a boy with a crew cut, who seemed he’d be kind of brash.
“Who are you looking for?” he asked cautiously.
“Xu Yi,” I said. “Is he in?”
“Nope.” He was going to close the door.
I grabbed hold, “Please tell me where I can find him.”
“Call him.”
“Please let me know his phone number.”
“Don’t have it,” he said.
“Please,” I said. “It’s really important that I find him.”
He held a book in his hands. After looking me up and down, he finally told me, “Turn left outside the school gate. Keep going for about ten minutes, and there will be a bar. He’s usually working there on the weekends.”
I thanked him and left. Shanghai in September, the sky was bright and there were few clouds. 365 days. From the moment I learned he was studying in Shanghai until now, I’ve gone this path for 365 days. I thought of him carrying a large backpack, walking out the school gates. I thought of the struggle-filled nights spent in the cla.s.sroom, unable to abandon ideals for the heart’s desire. Right now, I was going to see him. I wasn’t as fl.u.s.tered as I used to be. After all, I was just seeing a friend. After all, he’d been waiting for more than a year.
The bar’s name was just one word: Wait.
It sat at the corner of the street. The front was very small, and if you weren’t paying attention, you’d have just pa.s.sed it by. I pushed open the door. It was noon, so there weren’t really any customers inside the bar. The facilities were very simple as well. A few red sofas. A long, dark wood table with long gla.s.s bottles of yellow chrysanthemums. When I sat down, I saw him. He was wearing a uniform, and came over with a menu, asking, “What would you like to drink?”
I looked at him, and couldn’t speak for a time.
He recognized me. He left the menu on the table and walked away.
“Xu Yi,” I called him. I belatedly realized my voice was hoa.r.s.e.
He stopped, his back facing me.
“Do you have any time today?” I asked. “I want to talk with you.”
He turned around and said to me, “I’m sorry, miss, I’m working. I don’t get off until 11 PM.”
I laughed and responded, “Alright, I’d like a gla.s.s of water.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t sell water here.”
“Then, watermelon juice,” I said.
A few minutes later, he brought me a cup of red watermelon juice, with an extra gla.s.s of ice water. There was a golden slice of lemon in the water. He placed the cups on my table, and said in a low voice, “I’ll buy. Leave after you’re done.”
His tone was very cold. I held back my tears, refusing to let them fall so easily.
He left.
I pulled out a thin book from my backpack. It was an old one, “The Lover” by Duras. I’d seen the movie before. Tony Leung and his French lover, in a hotel in a foreign land. The way her eyes asked for love, regardless of all costs, gave me a feeling of excitement. To be exact, I’d only seen half of the movie. That’s when my mom came back from buying groceries. When she looked at me with uneasy eyes, I turned the TV off.
The ending was just as I had thought. They part.
When I closed the book, it was already evening. The bar was starting to get lively. A group of stylish women pushed open the door, and entered laughing. They seemed to be from the Art Inst.i.tute, and were very familiar with the place. I saw a girl with a big, flowery dress and red sandals hold out her hand and pinch Xu Yi’s face.
Xu Yi smiled. My Xu Yi, with the face of an angel. He was just as handsome as ever.
“Xu Yi, I’m going camping tomorrow. I counted you in,” another girl cried out.
“Great!” Xu Yi reached out an arm, and gave a quick pat to her head. The girls laughed, a bit ambiguously but also brightly.
They were very closed.
I put 50 dollars on the table, put on my backpack, got up and left.
I walked out the bar and looked at the unfamiliar Shanghai sky, filled with high-rises. I’d already lost the desire to cry. I had to pay the price for my willfulness, I knew.
Suddenly, someone came behind me and grabbed on.
I turned around and saw Xu Yi.
“Your money,” he handed me the money. “I already said I would treat.”
I pushed him away.
“Just take it,” he said. “I still need to work, so I can’t talk long. Don’t come back again.”
I accepted the money.
He turned around and entered the bar.
When I got to the train station, I decided to turn back. I told myself, I can’t give up so easily. I can’t! So I went back to the bar’s entrance. I sat down on the side of the street and started reading. The evening light made my eyes sore, but I kept reading. Eventually, the words in the book wouldn’t go into my eyes anymore, but I still insisted on reading. I’ve said it before, but I’m often powerless to my own will.
It was 11:05 at night. I saw Xu Yi exit the bar. He’d changed into his own clothes. No backpack. His hands were in his pocket, and he whistled as he walked down the street. I rubbed my numb legs and then got up to follow after him. I knew that there were a lot of girls chasing after him. I’m sure that he’d become very accustomed to it, and I had no other way. At that moment, I really wish I had a white t-s.h.i.+rt and green paint to write “I love Xu Yi” on it. Then I could stand in front of him, without the need for anything else to say.
But before I caught up to him, a green SUV stopped in front of him. Three men jumped out and spoke a few words to Xu Yi. One of them reached out a fist and punched Xu Yi in the face.
Xu Yi covered his face and dropped to the floor. He quickly got back up, wanting to run away. But someone had a strong grip on him, and then stuffed him into the car.
I ran over, and shouted out, “What are you guys trying to do?”
My sudden appearance caught them off guard, including Xu Yi. “What are you still doing here?” he asked me.
“Waiting for you to finish work,” I said.
“Who’s she?” A blond haired boy chewing gum pointed at me, and asked Xu Yi.
“Don’t know,” Xu Yi said.
His face was emotionless, fresh blood on his nose. A sharp pain hit my heart.
“Really?” Blondie asked. “You really don’t know her?”
“What are you trying to do?” I kept asking.
“Ah ah ah,” Blondie smiled. “We’re friends, just inviting him for a drink. Little girl, if there’s nothing, just go home to wash and sleep.”
“Wait!” I said. “If you insist on taking him, I’m going to call the police!”
“Don’t cause trouble!” Xu Yi shouted loudly.
“Oh? Interesting!” The way Blondie looked at me scared me, but I stared back, refusing to lose.
“Who exactly are you?” he asked me.
“I’m Xu Yi’s friend,” I said.
“Girlfriend?”
I looked at Xu Yi. His face was expressionless, and then, with difficulty, I nodded.
“Well, your boyfriend owes us more than 5,000 dollars. Are you going to pay it back for him?”
I thought for a moment, then nodded, “Okay.”
Xu Yi looked at me with surprise.
“Okay,” I said. “But all my money is on a card. It’s too late now, so I’m not sure if I can withdraw any. At the latest, when the bank opens tomorrow, I’ll definitely return the money to you.”
“You heard it, we’ll pay you back tomorrow,” Xu Yi said. “Come back tomorrow.”
“I’ll trust you once more!” Blondie pointed to Xu Yi and said, “Tomorrow’s your deadline. 10 AM, back here. I’m warning you, don’t play any tricks. Otherwise, you’ll have to personally come see our boss to explain it.”
“Got it,” Xu Yi said.
The blond boy and them jumped into the car. As the car started moving, the window rolled down. The blond haired boy with chewing gum shouted to me, “Little girl, be careful what kind of friends you make!” Then the window closed and the car sped off.
Xu Yi looked at me, then pushed me away and walked ahead.
“Hey!” I called after him. “Hey!”
“Go,” he said. “Didn’t you hear him? Be careful what kind of friends you make.”
“Do you still remember me?” I asked with some hope.
“No,” he answered just as I had imagined.
“You’re lying,” I said.
He thought for a moment, then asked, “Are you really going to lend me money?”
I thought for a moment, then nodded my head.
“Are you hungry?” he asked me.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Then let’s go eat first,” he said.
Xu Yi finished speaking and walked ahead. I followed behind him. We didn’t speak, and he didn’t look back at me either. When we arrived at a small restaurant not far from his campus, he pushed open the door and entered. I followed him inside. The restaurant was empty at night. There were streaks from the water that was wiped on the floor earlier. The tables were covered in a red checkered cloth. On top of the cloth was a thin, greasy, plastic sheet. Xu Yi frowned and pulled the plastic off. That left a clean tabletop. On the finely checkered cloth, someone had drawn a bear, heartlessly staring at me.
A plump, expressionless woman handed us a menu. Xu Yi ordered a few dishes and said, “A bottle of beer.”
I held onto my bag and sat down across from him. Xu Yi finally looked at me, and then asked, “What about you? You want a bottle?”
“I don’t drink,” I said.
He pulled out a pack of Yunyan (cigarettes) from his pocket, took one out and handed it to me. I shook my head. He lit one for himself and smoked in silence.
I asked him, “Why do you owe people money?”
He said, “None of your business.”
I said, “If you want me to help you pay it back, it is my business.”
He lifted his eyes to look at me, “Lost a bet.”
I said, “Then don’t bet with people in the future.”
He said, “Okay.”
The food came out. He ordered a big bowl of rice and wolfed it down. I sat across from him and watched as he ate, but I didn’t have an appet.i.te at all. Actually, I was very hungry, but I couldn’t swallow anything. I remembered sitting across from boy before, as he ate his noodles. He said to me, “I’m always like this, hungry, but I can’t swallow anything.” That’s what I was feeling now.
Xu Yi suddenly asked me, “Where do you live?” I told him the address. He said, “That far? You have to go to the bank first. Will you make it back by 10 in the morning?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I can get up early.”
“Why don’t you just not go,” he said. “I can arrange for you to stay in the female dorms.”
I was a bit hesitant. He saw my doubts and said, “Don’t worry. Only girls stay in the female dorms.”
I rolled my eyes at him, and he laughed.
“Your name?” he asked me.
“Li Er,” I said.
“Right, I remember. That’s the name,” he said.
He smiled, and it was mesmerizing. Suddenly, I was dropped back to Year 2 of high school, my lonely and empty 17. I first saw him on street after the sun had set. A boy was leaning against the railing, wearing a large backpack that had been washed white. His face was so handsome. At that time, I was still a young and naive girl. Love started to take root in my heart. It turned my world upside down, left me utterly confused, unable to recognize myself.
It was finally over.
I buried myself in books for the long summer break. Every other day, I’d go to the library and bring back a big pile of books. During that time, I liked to read foreign novels. One by one, I’d borrow them to read, I don’t even remember the names. Sometimes in the midst of a story, the main character would cry. When I read that, I never felt anything, but I would continue to borrow another book.
Just like that, I kept reading. Patiently waiting for my admission notice, patiently waiting for the summer break to pa.s.s.
Sometimes I would log on to my blog and post a few lines, or chat a little with You Ta on QQ, or check Zhang Yang’s letters. I heard that Zhang Yang went to Yunnan, but I didn’t know if he was having fun. The contact we had with each other was actually very little. Sometimes a letter would come, but it would just be a few words, nothing new. Sometimes I’d be sitting by the window, reading my books, when I recalled that night that he hugged me. The me from that night didn’t really seem to be me. Bold, rash, reckless. I thought about Bala’s attachment to him, and it was probably like this too. The unfortunate thing was that it cost her her life, something that she’d never get back.
The day I received my admission notice from Shanghai, Mom invited our relatives and friends to go out to eat and celebrate. I was in the Chinese (language and literature?) department. Dad was happy with that. He would always chatter on, “Daughter studying Chinese is good, good, very good.”
My aunt yelled at him, “Ay, aren’t you done yet?”
He laughed. Then he’d pound the table with his chopsticks, like singing the opera.
Everyone was very joyous. Except for You Ta.
My mom scolded him some, “What’s the matter with you? Your sister got into college, but you’re not happy. Are you brokenhearted over someone?”
“I haven’t been dating! Don’t just say things!” he rushed, and everyone laughed together.
I knew that You Ta wasn’t dating. He was continuing his studies at Tsinghua, and would take the post-grad entrance exams and go abroad. For him, it was the obvious and natural path.
I looked at him with a smile. He didn’t understand and asked, “What are you laughing about?”
I said, “You got fatter.”
Slightly embarra.s.sed, he said, “And you’ve gotten thinner. Are you trying to lose weight?”
“What do you mean,” I said. “My genes are very good, no matter how much I eat, I don’t get fat.”
“You’re becoming more of a smooth talker,” he criticized me.
He was always like that, acting like an older brother every chance he had. I didn’t bother with him, but turned my attentions to the fish in the pan. But he still couldn’t stop, “Watch out for the bones. This fish’s bones are really serious.”
I said, “If you’re scared of bones, you just shouldn’t eat fish.”
In a somewhat helpless voice, he said, “You’re always so mean to me.”
The restaurant package wasn’t bad, and they even had a big terrace. When we finished eating, the adults all went outside to chat. I saw You Ta stand up and walk out to the terrace to look at the sky. I thought that I was a bit mean earlier, with a temper for no reason, and it was a bit unreasonable. So I walked over to him, and asked, “What’s the matter? What’s with the frown? Are you really feeling heartbroken?”
“No,” he said. “The stars at home are really the best to look at. The ones in Beijing are all inevitably building tops.”
“When are you returning to Beijing?” I asked him. I knew he’d made a special trip back to celebrate with me. His break was very busy, with a lot of things to do.
“Another two days,” he said.
I feigned relaxation and asked, “Actually, you could have just called to send your congratulations. You didn’t have to come all the way back. I know you’re really busy in Beijing, right?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Very busy. I have a couple of jobs.”
“Don’t think about money so much,” I said. “Your health is important.”
“Li Er, I like someone,” he suddenly said.
“Who?” I almost jumped from surprise. “What’s she like? Tell me!”
“It’s better not to say,” he said. “Actually, I’m working to hard to make money so that I can buy her a new phone.”
“Oh,” I ridiculed. “The power of love really can’t be calculated. Hurry and tell me, what’s she like?”
He said the same thing, “It’s better not to say.”
“Oh,” I said. “When I have time, I’ll go to Beijing to play with you guys?”
He turned around and asked me, “Why do you like Beijing?”
“I’ve never been, so I want to see it. And also see who your girlfriend is.”
“Then why didn’t you try to go to a school in Beijing?”
“You think I’m like you, and can get into any school I want to?” I asked. “I’m already very happy to have gotten in somewhere. Also, Shanghai is close to home, so my mom won’t worry as much.”
“With your college exam scores, you could have gotten into a lot of schools in Beijing. Moreover, I’m in Beijing. Why would your mom worry?”
“Let’s not talk about this,” I said. “Tell me, where are you going to take me out to play?”
“Wherever you want,” he said.
When he looked at me, his eyes were full of favor. I couldn’t look into his eyes anymore, so I s.h.i.+fted my attention and looked up at the sky. In that moment, I realized, even if I were to go to Beijing, I couldn’t go to find You Ta.
I understood why You Ta brought up him and his girlfriend. Maybe he understood in his heart too. We weren’t the same. He said it so that I would feel at ease. He and I would always be family. We would be brothers forever, but it would never become love. And I would be starting college soon. The past felt like a different lifetime. I hoped that I could have a new start, to be reborn from this world that I can’t forget.
“Make sure you take care of yourself when you go,” he said to me.
“Oh,” I responded with an uncommon impatience.
Suddenly, I saw a shooting star cross the sky. I pulled on You Ta’s sleeve and shouted, “Hey, shooting star! Shooting star! Hurry and make a wis.h.!.+”
The star disappeared in a moment.
You Ta scolded me, “Stupid, there’s no point in grabbing my clothes. You should tie a knot on your clothes then make a wish. Then the wish will come true.”
I shrugged and frowned.
You Ta asked me, “Li Er, if the shooting star could really grant you a wish, can you tell me what you would wish for?”
“You first!”
“You first.”
“You say it first!”
“Okay, I’ll go first.” You Ta thought for a moment, “I wish that the girl I like will always be happy.”
Oh, he was so infatuated!
It was my turn. I coughed, and then said seriously, “I hope that everyone in the world will be happy.”
You Ta looked at me, and I blinked back.
He suddenly reached out his hand and lovingly pat my head. I laughed and moved away.
The sky grew dark. My phone sounded. It was You Ta. He said, “Li Er, where did you run off to?”
“Outside,” I said.
“It’s like this, my train leaves at 8 for Beijing. I just thought I’d call and let you know.”
“Oh, have a safe trip. Also, make sure to give greetings to your girlfriend from me!”
“Thanks,” he hung up. Relief washed over me.
It was 7 at night when I got home. Mom asked me where I went, and I said I went shopping. She pointed to a box on the table, “You Ta bought that for you.”
I looked at it, and it was a cellphone. Nokia’s new model.
Mom told me, “Your aunt told me that he used all the money he made over summer break to buy this. Originally we were going to buy you one since you got into college, but we couldn’t turn away You Ta’s kind intentions.”
I just stood there, my mind completely blank for five minutes.
When I came back to my senses, I looked at the clock on the wall. Then I ran out the door, carrying the cellphone box. Mom shouted after me, “Li Er, where are you going?!”
“The train station!” I said. “I’ll come back after I see You Ta off!”
I took a taxi to the train station. Standing in the station, with people coming and going, I called You Ta. He told me he already got onto the train. It felt like something was stuck in my throat, and I couldn’t say anything. He asked me first, “Do you like it? I remember you said you liked Nokia.”
“You Ta,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” he said. “I understand clearly. I know that there are some things that you can’t force. I’ll respect your decision.”
“You Ta,” I said. “Don’t be like this.”
“Okay,” he answered gently. “I won’t be like this in the future.”
I couldn’t stand anymore. I could only hold my phone in one hand, the box in another, and crouch on the ground.
I heard You Ta’s voice in my ear, “Li Er, do you know when you look the cutest? It’s when you smile. So remember, no matter what, you have to be happy. You always have to happy. I’m going, bye.” When You Ta finished speaking, the phone cut off. My tears were uncontrollable and fell.
That evening, I went outside the city. I don’t know why, but I suddenly really missed that rooftop that Zhang Yang took me to before. I missed those fleeting and beautiful fireworks. I went to the market and bought a big lighter and a pack of cigarettes, carrying them as I walked. Counting on my memories, I walked for a long while, but couldn’t find the place. I stood out on a field and lit a cigarette. It was my first time smoking. It was 555 brand, I’d seen Bala smoking them before. The smell of the cigarette wasn’t as choking as I’d thought, but it tasted a bit bitter on my tongue. I recalled the way Bala smoked smoke rings and tried it myself. But it was futile and I didn’t succeed. Then I started coughing severely. So I coughed as I smoked and wandered aimlessly around. I kept searching my memories for that rooftop that took in your loneliness, that you could send fireworks off of. I was a capricious child in that way. On that, actually, Bala and I were exactly the same.
The next time I saw Zhang Yang was two days before school started.
I was carrying a pile of books, heading downstairs. I was going to bike to the library to return my books. He was leaning against a tree, not far from my house, smoking. He’d gotten tanner and thinner. He was wearing a big t-s.h.i.+rt, and he hadn’t shaved in many days. If it weren’t for his cap, I almost wouldn’t have recognized him.
“Little Ear,” he called to me.
My steps were a bit unstable.
“You came at just the right time,” he said. “I was about to call you.”
“You’re back?” I found my balance, and with an easygoing tone said, “Long time no see.”
“Yeah.” He put out his cigarette. “Where are you going?”
“To the library to return my books.”
“I’ll go with you,” he said.
“I was going to ride my bike.”
“Then I’ll take you,” he said. “Where’s your bike?”
I handed him my books. Then I went to the garage and took out my dad’s bicycle. The afternoon sun was already not so strong. Zhang Yang put all the books into the basket of the bike. Then he stepped over and onto the bike, turned around and said to me, “Let’s go.”
I hesitated a bit. He smiled and asked, “Scared?”
I got onto the bike.
Zhang Yang peddled and we traveled briskly on the street. The trees on either side of the street were both dazzling with green leaves as the breeze blew. I heard the sound of my white skirt and the friction of the bike wheel. It was a lyrical sound, as if someone’s heart were sighing.
Again, hopelessly, I thought of Bala. I remembered her riding her bicycle, following Xu Yi. Suddenly stopping and going, with a naughty look. Riding the bike at 18 years old, that years memories. A smiling girl, with green around her eyes. The feeling felt so fresh and alive then, as if she’d never left, and she’d always been by our side.
“What are you thinking of?” Zhang Yang turned and asked me loudly.
“Why did you suddenly come back?” I asked.
“My dad’s rheumatism has gotten worse, so I came back to bring him to see a doctor in Beijing.”
“Oh,” I said. “How long are you staying?”
“Just today,” he said. “We’re going back tonight at 8. The tickets are already bought.”
Ah! He was only here for the day, and he came to see me.
“Was Yunnan fun?” I asked.
“I didn’t go, I’ll go next year,” he said. “Oh yeah, where did you get into?”
“First choice,” I said. “Shanghai, Chinese department.”
“That’s good,” he said. “Girls studying Chinese is good. Shanghai isn’t far away.” He sounded just like my dad.
I jumped off the bike in front of the library and thanked him.
He suddenly said, “Go return your books. I still have time. I’ll wait for you and send you back.”
“Thank you, but you really don’t have to.”
“Enough nonsense,” he said. “Go!”
I held my books and ran into the library, worried the staff would be too slow. When I ran out with empty hands, I saw that Zhang Yang was really still waiting there. He was holding a colorful ice cream, and said to me, “You seem to like this one?”
I steadied my heart, not letting it jump up and down with pain. I felt I didn’t hate him anymore.
Bala, let’s both stop hating, okay?
I took the ice cream and ate some, letting the sweetness melt. Then I smiled at Zhang Yang.
“Home?” he asked me.
“No.” I made a decision just then, and said, “Zhang Yang, take me to that rooftop. I wanted to go again, but I couldn’t find it.”
Zhang Yang thought for a moment, “Okay, let’s go!”
Biking was a lot faster than walking. In just a little bit, we’d already reached the destination. This place looked very different in the day compared to the night. The place was rundown, overgrown weeds, a crooked tree.
Zhang Yang leaned on the bike, and said, “You have to come here at night. It doesn’t have meaning in the daytime.”
“Did you always come at night before?”
He looked at me and said, “I’ve only been here twice. Once with Bala and once with you.” He laughed and pulled out a cigarette.
“Give me one,” I said.
“Kids stay to the side!” he said.
“I’ve already smoked several,” I said.
“You?” He stared at me.
“You can’t control me,” I said.
“Don’t push me,” Zhang Yang pointed at me with his cigarette in hand. “If I wanted to control, there’s nothing I can’t control. Do you believe it?”
“I do,” I said.
“Very smart,” he praised. “If you weren’t such a good kid, you’d suffer.”
I looked down at my white dress. There was some mud on it. Zhang Yang bent down and flicked it off. Then he said, “Let’s go back.”
That evening, I crouched down on the small balcony outside my window, smoking. I didn’t crave it, but the cigarettes calmed me. It was 10 PM, and the train headed for Beijing left two hours ago. Two hours, about 300 km journey. And then, it would become 400 km, 500 km, until it was more than 1,000 km.
This long road, I knew it would be difficult to turn back.
Goodbye (see you later). Maybe, we’ll never meet again.
I was the only one who could see my stubborn pursuit. But I hoped I wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t be like Bala, wrong, time after time.
When school started, my parents both sent me to Shanghai.
After we finished the necessary procedures, the three of us went to eat at a simple restaurant near the school. As we ate, Mom’s tears started falling. Dad quickly handed her a napkin. “Don’t worry, our Li Er can definitely take care of herself.” As he said that, he winked at me.
“That’s right, Mom.” I held her hand. “Don’t worry, I’ll call you every day.”
She sobbed, “This child&h.e.l.lip; You’ve had misfortune when you were young, and you’ve never left home before. How can I not worry!”
“Okay, Mom.” I said softly, “These people are all from my school. Think about how embarra.s.sing you’re being.”
“Don’t cry,” my dad said to her. “Tonight, we’ll go shopping in Xintiandi (shopping district)!”
“I want to bring my daughter to the big hospital to get her ear checked,” Mom suddenly said. “There are lots of cars in Shanghai, and the traffic is very disorderly. What if–”
“Mom!” I cut her off. “I’m fine. Don’t just blindly worry. When I cross the street, I promise to carefully check the traffic lights, okay?”
“You definitely can’t listen to your music player as you cross the street!”
“Mm.”
“Make sure to get to the cafeteria early to eat. It’s bad for your stomach to eat cold things.”
“I know.”
“Outside is different from at home. Be sure to get along with others. If you can give way, just give. Don’t be too serious about things.” She was nagging so much. At that moment, I really admired my dad for putting up with it for so many years.
“Okay,” I answered obediently.
“My daughter knows best,” Dad said. “There’s no better child than her. What’s there to worry about?”
“So what if she’s good? There are lots of bad people outside.” My mom’s thoughts really kept curving. My dad and I laughed together, the two of us tacitly continued eating.
Sometimes I think about it, how much my parents love me and how much I also love them. But they cannot see into my heart. I can’t imagine what would happen if they saw me on the balcony smoking, saw me in the arms of a boy. Maybe my mom would faint, who knows. But from that, I really believed that saying, “Hearts are as deep as the seas.”
Who knows what someone else is thinking. And who is someone’s savior.
I knew this, but still, I couldn’t help but to adhere to my own persistence.
Luckily, after freshman orientation was the weekend. I bought a map of Shanghai and studied it for half the day. Then I changed into a new dress and sat on the train for a long while. Then I walked for another long while, before finally arriving to that school. The school plaque was a bit old, and it didn’t quite look the way I imagined. I asked the security desk and also several students, before finding the location of the place I was looking for. I stood at the male dormitory and looked over the list of names that listed everyone’s room. The list was already a bit tattered. I ran my finger across the list, until I finally stopped on a familiar name. An overwhelming sadness took over my heart.
He lived in 302.
It was a very old building with wooden stairs. It would creak a lot as you walked on it, as if you had stepped wrongly. I walked up, step by step. In my heart, I said, “Xu Yi, I’m here.”
I knocked on the door. The person who opened it was a boy with a crew cut, who seemed he’d be kind of brash.
“Who are you looking for?” he asked cautiously.
“Xu Yi,” I said. “Is he in?”
“Nope.” He was going to close the door.
I grabbed hold, “Please tell me where I can find him.”
“Call him.”
“Please let me know his phone number.”
“Don’t have it,” he said.
“Please,” I said. “It’s really important that I find him.”
He held a book in his hands. After looking me up and down, he finally told me, “Turn left outside the school gate. Keep going for about ten minutes, and there will be a bar. He’s usually working there on the weekends.”
I thanked him and left. Shanghai in September, the sky was bright and there were few clouds. 365 days. From the moment I learned he was studying in Shanghai until now, I’ve gone this path for 365 days. I thought of him carrying a large backpack, walking out the school gates. I thought of the struggle-filled nights spent in the cla.s.sroom, unable to abandon ideals for the heart’s desire. Right now, I was going to see him. I wasn’t as fl.u.s.tered as I used to be. After all, I was just seeing a friend. After all, he’d been waiting for more than a year.
The bar’s name was just one word: Wait.
It sat at the corner of the street. The front was very small, and if you weren’t paying attention, you’d have just pa.s.sed it by. I pushed open the door. It was noon, so there weren’t really any customers inside the bar. The facilities were very simple as well. A few red sofas. A long, dark wood table with long gla.s.s bottles of yellow chrysanthemums. When I sat down, I saw him. He was wearing a uniform, and came over with a menu, asking, “What would you like to drink?”
I looked at him, and couldn’t speak for a time.
He recognized me. He left the menu on the table and walked away.
“Xu Yi,” I called him. I belatedly realized my voice was hoa.r.s.e.
He stopped, his back facing me.
“Do you have any time today?” I asked. “I want to talk with you.”
He turned around and said to me, “I’m sorry, miss, I’m working. I don’t get off until 11 PM.”
I laughed and responded, “Alright, I’d like a gla.s.s of water.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t sell water here.”
“Then, watermelon juice,” I said.
A few minutes later, he brought me a cup of red watermelon juice, with an extra gla.s.s of ice water. There was a golden slice of lemon in the water. He placed the cups on my table, and said in a low voice, “I’ll buy. Leave after you’re done.”
His tone was very cold. I held back my tears, refusing to let them fall so easily.
He left.
I pulled out a thin book from my backpack. It was an old one, “The Lover” by Duras. I’d seen the movie before. Tony Leung and his French lover, in a hotel in a foreign land. The way her eyes asked for love, regardless of all costs, gave me a feeling of excitement. To be exact, I’d only seen half of the movie. That’s when my mom came back from buying groceries. When she looked at me with uneasy eyes, I turned the TV off.
The ending was just as I had thought. They part.
When I closed the book, it was already evening. The bar was starting to get lively. A group of stylish women pushed open the door, and entered laughing. They seemed to be from the Art Inst.i.tute, and were very familiar with the place. I saw a girl with a big, flowery dress and red sandals hold out her hand and pinch Xu Yi’s face.
Xu Yi smiled. My Xu Yi, with the face of an angel. He was just as handsome as ever.
“Xu Yi, I’m going camping tomorrow. I counted you in,” another girl cried out.
“Great!” Xu Yi reached out an arm, and gave a quick pat to her head. The girls laughed, a bit ambiguously but also brightly.
They were very closed.
I put 50 dollars on the table, put on my backpack, got up and left.
I walked out the bar and looked at the unfamiliar Shanghai sky, filled with high-rises. I’d already lost the desire to cry. I had to pay the price for my willfulness, I knew.
Suddenly, someone came behind me and grabbed on.
I turned around and saw Xu Yi.
“Your money,” he handed me the money. “I already said I would treat.”
I pushed him away.
“Just take it,” he said. “I still need to work, so I can’t talk long. Don’t come back again.”
I accepted the money.
He turned around and entered the bar.
When I got to the train station, I decided to turn back. I told myself, I can’t give up so easily. I can’t! So I went back to the bar’s entrance. I sat down on the side of the street and started reading. The evening light made my eyes sore, but I kept reading. Eventually, the words in the book wouldn’t go into my eyes anymore, but I still insisted on reading. I’ve said it before, but I’m often powerless to my own will.
It was 11:05 at night. I saw Xu Yi exit the bar. He’d changed into his own clothes. No backpack. His hands were in his pocket, and he whistled as he walked down the street. I rubbed my numb legs and then got up to follow after him. I knew that there were a lot of girls chasing after him. I’m sure that he’d become very accustomed to it, and I had no other way. At that moment, I really wish I had a white t-s.h.i.+rt and green paint to write “I love Xu Yi” on it. Then I could stand in front of him, without the need for anything else to say.
But before I caught up to him, a green SUV stopped in front of him. Three men jumped out and spoke a few words to Xu Yi. One of them reached out a fist and punched Xu Yi in the face.
Xu Yi covered his face and dropped to the floor. He quickly got back up, wanting to run away. But someone had a strong grip on him, and then stuffed him into the car.
I ran over, and shouted out, “What are you guys trying to do?”
My sudden appearance caught them off guard, including Xu Yi. “What are you still doing here?” he asked me.
“Waiting for you to finish work,” I said.
“Who’s she?” A blond haired boy chewing gum pointed at me, and asked Xu Yi.
“Don’t know,” Xu Yi said.
His face was emotionless, fresh blood on his nose. A sharp pain hit my heart.
“Really?” Blondie asked. “You really don’t know her?”
“What are you trying to do?” I kept asking.
“Ah ah ah,” Blondie smiled. “We’re friends, just inviting him for a drink. Little girl, if there’s nothing, just go home to wash and sleep.”
“Wait!” I said. “If you insist on taking him, I’m going to call the police!”
“Don’t cause trouble!” Xu Yi shouted loudly.
“Oh? Interesting!” The way Blondie looked at me scared me, but I stared back, refusing to lose.
“Who exactly are you?” he asked me.
“I’m Xu Yi’s friend,” I said.
“Girlfriend?”
I looked at Xu Yi. His face was expressionless, and then, with difficulty, I nodded.
“Well, your boyfriend owes us more than 5,000 dollars. Are you going to pay it back for him?”
I thought for a moment, then nodded, “Okay.”
Xu Yi looked at me with surprise.
“Okay,” I said. “But all my money is on a card. It’s too late now, so I’m not sure if I can withdraw any. At the latest, when the bank opens tomorrow, I’ll definitely return the money to you.”
“You heard it, we’ll pay you back tomorrow,” Xu Yi said. “Come back tomorrow.”
“I’ll trust you once more!” Blondie pointed to Xu Yi and said, “Tomorrow’s your deadline. 10 AM, back here. I’m warning you, don’t play any tricks. Otherwise, you’ll have to personally come see our boss to explain it.”
“Got it,” Xu Yi said.
The blond boy and them jumped into the car. As the car started moving, the window rolled down. The blond haired boy with chewing gum shouted to me, “Little girl, be careful what kind of friends you make!” Then the window closed and the car sped off.
Xu Yi looked at me, then pushed me away and walked ahead.
“Hey!” I called after him. “Hey!”
“Go,” he said. “Didn’t you hear him? Be careful what kind of friends you make.”
“Do you still remember me?” I asked with some hope.
“No,” he answered just as I had imagined.
“You’re lying,” I said.
He thought for a moment, then asked, “Are you really going to lend me money?”
I thought for a moment, then nodded my head.
“Are you hungry?” he asked me.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Then let’s go eat first,” he said.
Xu Yi finished speaking and walked ahead. I followed behind him. We didn’t speak, and he didn’t look back at me either. When we arrived at a small restaurant not far from his campus, he pushed open the door and entered. I followed him inside. The restaurant was empty at night. There were streaks from the water that was wiped on the floor earlier. The tables were covered in a red checkered cloth. On top of the cloth was a thin, greasy, plastic sheet. Xu Yi frowned and pulled the plastic off. That left a clean tabletop. On the finely checkered cloth, someone had drawn a bear, heartlessly staring at me.
A plump, expressionless woman handed us a menu. Xu Yi ordered a few dishes and said, “A bottle of beer.”
I held onto my bag and sat down across from him. Xu Yi finally looked at me, and then asked, “What about you? You want a bottle?”
“I don’t drink,” I said.
He pulled out a pack of Yunyan (cigarettes) from his pocket, took one out and handed it to me. I shook my head. He lit one for himself and smoked in silence.
I asked him, “Why do you owe people money?”
He said, “None of your business.”
I said, “If you want me to help you pay it back, it is my business.”
He lifted his eyes to look at me, “Lost a bet.”
I said, “Then don’t bet with people in the future.”
He said, “Okay.”
The food came out. He ordered a big bowl of rice and wolfed it down. I sat across from him and watched as he ate, but I didn’t have an appet.i.te at all. Actually, I was very hungry, but I couldn’t swallow anything. I remembered sitting across from boy before, as he ate his noodles. He said to me, “I’m always like this, hungry, but I can’t swallow anything.” That’s what I was feeling now.
Xu Yi suddenly asked me, “Where do you live?” I told him the address. He said, “That far? You have to go to the bank first. Will you make it back by 10 in the morning?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I can get up early.”
“Why don’t you just not go,” he said. “I can arrange for you to stay in the female dorms.”
I was a bit hesitant. He saw my doubts and said, “Don’t worry. Only girls stay in the female dorms.”
I rolled my eyes at him, and he laughed.
“Your name?” he asked me.
“Li Er,” I said.
“Right, I remember. That’s the name,” he said.
He smiled, and it was mesmerizing. Suddenly, I was dropped back to Year 2 of high school, my lonely and empty 17. I first saw him on street after the sun had set. A boy was leaning against the railing, wearing a large backpack that had been washed white. His face was so handsome. At that time, I was still a young and naive girl. Love started to take root in my heart. It turned my world upside down, left me utterly confused, unable to recognize myself.
