The Jest Book Part 6

CV.--A BAD HARVEST.

THERE was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to an idler, who boasted his ancient family: "So much the worse for you,"

said the peasant; "as we ploughmen say, '_the older the seed the worse the crop_.'"

CVI.--PROOF IMPRESSION.

MR. BETHEL, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four Courts, and in a friendly way, said, "Zounds! Bethel, I wonder you never told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw contained some of the best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon the subject."--"I'm very proud you think so," said the other, rubbing his hands with satisfaction; "and pray, what are the things that pleased you so much?"--"Why," replied Lysaght, "as I pa.s.sed by a pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl come out with three _hot mince-pies_ wrapped up in one of your works."

CVII.--NECK OR NOTHING.

A RIGHT reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was frequently much vexed in the spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence much longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate _stiffness_ in his _knee_. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate; "'tis a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a long time thought it _immovably settled_ in your NECK."

CVIII.--ARCADIA.

A FARM was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air were detailed in the richest flow of rural description, which was further enhanced with this,--N.B. There is not _an attorney_ within fifteen miles of the neighborhood.

CIX.--QUITE PERFECTION.

A PAINTER in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed on the front of his house: "The Acme of Stencil!" A "learned Theban" in the same line in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the "old original" stenciller, thus set forth his pretensions: "Stencilling in all its branches performed in the very height _of acme_!"

CX.--THE LATE MR. COLLINS.

COLLINS the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he had come _a day after the fair_.

CXI.--A FAMILY PARTY.

A CERTAIN lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she said, "La, sir, we haven't a _single_ bug in the house."--"No ma'am,"

said he, "they're all _married_, and have large families too."

CXII.--CALF'S HEAD SURPRISED.

A STUPID person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, said, "So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the greatest delicacies."--"Why not," replied the other, "do you think Providence intended all the _good things_ for fools?"

CXIII.--POPPING THE QUESTION.

A GIRL forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man, whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her husband, said, with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the first person who has asked _my opinion_ about the matter."

CXIV.--SCANDALOUS.

IT was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's tables, that he never _opened his mouth_ but at another man's expense.

CXV.--THE PRINCE OF ORANGE AND JUDGE JEFFERIES.

WHEN Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land, and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &c., was already written, "Pray, my Lord Chief Justice," said a gentleman present, "what do you think will be the heads of this manifesto?"--"_Mine_ will be one," replied he.

CXVI.--MODEST REQUEST.

A GENTLEMAN travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road, who begged the favor of him to put his great coat, which he found very heavy, into his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman; "but if we should not be travelling to the same place, how will you get your coat?"--"Monsieur," answered the man with great _navete_, "_I shall be in it_."

CXVII.--CAP THIS.

SIR THOMAS MORE, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; "Ah! friend," said he, taking off his cap, "that, I think, is my _upper_ garment."

CXVIII.--A PRETTY METAPHOR.

A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town, to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, "She has turned one-and-twenty s.h.i.+llings into a guinea."

CXIX.--ON A STONE THROWN AT A VERY GREAT MAN, BUT WHICH MISSED HIM.

TALK no more of the lucky escape of the _head_ From a flint so unluckily thrown; I think very diff'rent, with thousands indeed, 'Twas a lucky escape for the _stone_.

CXX.--A MAN OF LETTERS.

WHEN Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a porter-house, cla.s.sing himself as an eminent literary character, was asked by one of his companions what right he had to a.s.sume such a t.i.tle.

"Sir," says he, "I'd have you know, I had the honor of _chalking_ number 45 upon every door between Temple Bar and Hyde Park-corner."

CXXI.--WELSH WIG-GING.

AN Englishman and a Welshman, disputing in whose country was the best living, said the Welshman, "There is such n.o.ble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner."--"Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man _toasted_ his own cheese."

CXXII.--A SPRIG OF s.h.i.+LLALAH.

A FELLOW on the quay, thinking to _quiz_ a poor Irishman, asked him, "How do the potatoes eat now, Pat?" The Irish lad, who happened to have a _s.h.i.+llalah_ in his hand, answered, "O! they eat very well, my jewel, would you like to taste the _stalk_?" and knocking the inquirer down, coolly walked off.

CXXIII.--DOG-MATIC.

IN the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the latter, who was a great courtier, said, "His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a cur." To which the other replied, "That _fawning_ was the property of a cur as well as barking."

CXXIV.--FALSE QUANt.i.tY.