The Jest Book Part 7

A LEARNED counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a _nolle prosequi_.

"Consider, sir," said Baron Alderson, "that this is the last day of term, and don't make things _unnecessarily long_."

CXXV.--IN SUSPENSE.

THE sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives not _upon_ the branches, but _under_ them. He moves suspended, rests suspended, sleeps suspended, and pa.s.ses his life in suspense,--like a young clergyman _distantly related_ to a bishop.

CXXVI.--PORSON'S VISIT TO THE CONTINENT.

SOON after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a party where he happened to be present, a gentleman solicited a sketch of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous one:

"I went to Frankfort and got drunk With that most learned professor, Brunck; I went to Worts and got more drunken With that more learned professor, Ruhnken."

CXXVII.--ARTIFICIAL HEAT.

THE late Lord Kelly had a very red face. "Pray, my lord," said Foote to him, "come and _look over_ my garden-wall,--my cuc.u.mbers are very backward."

CXXVIII.--OUTWARD APPEARANCE.

MAN is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.

CXXIX.--THE TWO SMITHS.

A GENTLEMAN, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share the letters equally between the two. "This is intolerable, sir," said our friend, "and you must quit."--"Why am I to quit more than you?"--"Because you are James the Second--and must _abdicate_."

Cx.x.x.--SAGE ADVICE.

THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing him to a regular Tipperary row, was, "Wherever you see a head, _hit it_."

Cx.x.xI.--THE PURSER.

LADY HARDWICKE, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he did, and what _he_ got _she_ saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually retained them herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved, that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, "There was not such a _purser_ in the navy."

Cx.x.xII.--A FOREIGN ACCENT.

WHEN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord Justice asked him, "Hae you ony counsel, mon?"--"No."--"Do you want to hae ony appointed?"--"I only want an interpreter to make me _understand_ what your lords.h.i.+ps say."

Cx.x.xIII--EASY AS LYING.

ERSKINE, examining a b.u.mptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a rider? "I'm a traveller, sir," replied the witness, with an air of offended importance. "Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the _failing_ usually attributed to travellers?"

Cx.x.xIV.--NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.

A PRISONER in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he had a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutual benefit.

Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been thinking," said he, "that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here, and put you to the expense of seven groats a week. My being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and who knows what it may cost you in the end! Therefore, what I propose is this: You shall let me out of prison, and, instead of _seven_ groats, you shall allow me only _eighteenpence_ a week, and the other _tenpence_ shall go towards the discharging of the debt."

Cx.x.xV.--EPIGRAM.

(On the column to the Duke of York's memory.)

IN former times the ill.u.s.trious dead were burned, Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned; This column, then, commemorates the part Which custom makes us single out--the heart; You ask, "How by a column this is done?"

I answer, "_'Tis a hollow thing of stone_."

Cx.x.xVI.--FLATTERY TURNED TO ADVANTAGE.

A DEPENDANT was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not possess. "I will do all in my power to prevent you _lying_," answered he.

Cx.x.xVII.--THE INTRUDER REBUKED.

JERROLD and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern.

After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a chop at a separate table in the apartment. The company a.s.sented, and the stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was introduced, ate his chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snoring so loudly and inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted to Jerrold, "I know you, Mr. Jerrold; but you shall not make a b.u.t.t of me!"--"Then don't bring your _hog's head_ in here," was the prompt reply.

Cx.x.xVIII.--CRITICAL POLITENESS.

A YOUNG author reading a tragedy, perceived his auditor very often pull off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. "I cannot pa.s.s a very _old_ acquaintance," replied the critic, "without that civility."

Cx.x.xIX.--A GOOD PLACE.

A n.o.bLEMAN taking leave when going as amba.s.sador, the king said to him, "The princ.i.p.al instruction you require is, to observe a line of conduct exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor."--"Sire," replied he, "I will endeavor so to act that you shall not have occasion to give _my_ successor the like advice."

CXL.--A CABAL.

THE attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a conspiracy to overturn _monarchy_ by a _common-wheel_.

CXLI.--THE FIRE OF LONDON.

ONE speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared, Bread Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot, Seacoal Lane was burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down, Pudding Lane and Pye Corner were over baked."

CXLII.--A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.

THE speeches made by P---- are _sound_, It cannot be denied; Granted; and then it will be found, They're _little else_ beside.