Sinner Takes All_ A Memoir of Love and Porn Part 11

I blossomed early and had 34Cs by the time I was thirteen. So in high school one day when we were changing for swim cla.s.s, a few of my cla.s.smates were teasing me for my big b.r.e.a.s.t.s, saying they were like balloons, and they started saying, "Let's lay her down and pop her!" I was very insecure at the time. 8. 8. Why don't you speak Thai? Why don't you speak Thai?--LISA, 38, VANCOUVER, CANADA

I get this from my fans a lot. My mom never taught us how to speak her language. My mom, Preeya, explains, "I wanted the best for her. We lived in California for so many years and it was English or Spanish, no Thai. So I never taught her Thai. When I sent her to school, I just wanted her to know English. No one spoke Thai, so we didn't teach our girls that. I didn't think it would be useful. She knew the colors and numbers in Thai, though." I still know those today. But that's all I know. Mom and I are going to go to Thailand sometime soon. Now that I'm older and have reconnected with my mom, I want to embrace my Thai heritage more.

9. What is the best pickup line anyone has used on you? What is the best pickup line anyone has used on you?--JESSICA, 24, TOLEDO I love cheesy pickup lines. My favorite line is this: "You know what would look good on you? Me!" I'm easy, haven't you figured it out yet? Besides, do you really need a pickup line to pick up a p.o.r.n star?

10. What Teravision movie are you most proud of and why? What Teravision movie are you most proud of and why?--JENNIFEF, 22, NEW YORK I'm truly proud of them all. But one that stands out from a production standpoint is InTERActive InTERActive, an interactive movie from the point of view of the male user, which we shot in 2006 with Hustler Video. It took the format to a new level by putting a storyline around it and using real c.u.m shots. Evan and I are big fans of s.e.xy storylines, so for this one we hired a Robert De Niro look-alike and I played his lonely, bored housewife having an affair on him. And most movies in this format use fake c.u.m shots, which is a cheat. I'm proud that InTERActive InTERActive used all real c.u.m shots and they were all by the talented Spyder Jonez. This movie is one of my bestselling DVDs and has the best recurring sales of any of my movies. And it won the Best Interactive DVD Award at the 2008 AVN Awards and set the record as the fastest-selling used all real c.u.m shots and they were all by the talented Spyder Jonez. This movie is one of my bestselling DVDs and has the best recurring sales of any of my movies. And it won the Best Interactive DVD Award at the 2008 AVN Awards and set the record as the fastest-selling Hustler Hustler release. release.

11. Weren't you afraid of catching an STD? How come in some movies you use condoms and in others you don't? Weren't you afraid of catching an STD? How come in some movies you use condoms and in others you don't?--LEXI, 19, MIAMI I never worried about contracting an STD because, for one, when I started out in 1999, there were a smaller number of guys working, so everyone either knew them or knew of them and word spreads fast if something's not right. But I always required that the guys I worked with not only take the obligatory HIV test, but get the full panel STD test, which includes chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and others. And I can honestly say that I think it's safer to have s.e.x with someone in the p.o.r.n industry as opposed to picking up a guy or chick at a club. The p.o.r.n guy can hand you a paper that shows his test results. The club guy can't. That said, I still do feel very lucky that I never caught anything. As for condoms, some companies require that you work with a condom, others don't. If they don't require it, you still have a choice to have the guy wear one. If a guy had the full STD test, I was fine with him not wearing a condom.

12. Do you ever keep going even after the director says cut? Do you ever keep going even after the director says cut?--MEAGAN, 24, SEATTLE

Sure! When you're really into it, it's hard to stop. One of my favorite female performers to work with was Briana Banks, whom I did Collision Course Collision Course with. I was really into working with her, because I knew she was nuts--she was just really into s.e.x and loved women and she's done everything--a lot more than I've done. I had a feeling she was going to try to "outf.u.c.k" me, so as a preemptive strike, I grabbed her first and laid her down to eat her out. I just went for it. I was licking her p.u.s.s.y and I was really turned on, so when the director, Skeeter Kerkove, said cut, I just kept on going. And I made her c.u.m! with. I was really into working with her, because I knew she was nuts--she was just really into s.e.x and loved women and she's done everything--a lot more than I've done. I had a feeling she was going to try to "outf.u.c.k" me, so as a preemptive strike, I grabbed her first and laid her down to eat her out. I just went for it. I was licking her p.u.s.s.y and I was really turned on, so when the director, Skeeter Kerkove, said cut, I just kept on going. And I made her c.u.m!MY s.e.xY TIPS FOR GUYS AND GALS:FOR THE GUYS . . .

TRIM THE TRUNK: This means no trouser forest, no bad breath, and no body odor. Shave, trim, shave, trim, brush, and shave again. Although I like my men rough and rugged, this doesn't mean stinky, sweaty, or hairy! Invest in a good trimmer (Andis is a great brand) and shave with the Gillette Fusion (five blades). No beating around the bush, boys. Shave those b.a.l.l.s until they are silky smooth. I personally love b.a.l.l.s in my mouth when they are hairless. You can neatly trim the rest of the hair above your member without going full p.o.r.no shave, but if this is your first time tr.i.m.m.i.n.g the hedges, you will notice that your c.o.c.k looks bigger the more you trim, and who doesn't love that? This means no trouser forest, no bad breath, and no body odor. Shave, trim, shave, trim, brush, and shave again. Although I like my men rough and rugged, this doesn't mean stinky, sweaty, or hairy! Invest in a good trimmer (Andis is a great brand) and shave with the Gillette Fusion (five blades). No beating around the bush, boys. Shave those b.a.l.l.s until they are silky smooth. I personally love b.a.l.l.s in my mouth when they are hairless. You can neatly trim the rest of the hair above your member without going full p.o.r.no shave, but if this is your first time tr.i.m.m.i.n.g the hedges, you will notice that your c.o.c.k looks bigger the more you trim, and who doesn't love that?

SMELL DELICIOUS: Scent is such a powerful aphrodisiac and it's not relied upon enough. When s.e.xy cologne is mixed with your natural pheromones, your girl is bound to get even more turned on. You don't need to buy expensive fancy cologne, but putting in a little effort for her senses will really show you care. I like old-school manly-man scents such as Old Spice, Drakkar Noir, and Fahrenheit. Newer colognes that rock my world, though, are Prada, Serge Lutens, and Gucci Rush. Scent is such a powerful aphrodisiac and it's not relied upon enough. When s.e.xy cologne is mixed with your natural pheromones, your girl is bound to get even more turned on. You don't need to buy expensive fancy cologne, but putting in a little effort for her senses will really show you care. I like old-school manly-man scents such as Old Spice, Drakkar Noir, and Fahrenheit. Newer colognes that rock my world, though, are Prada, Serge Lutens, and Gucci Rush.

DIRTY MOUTH? CLEAN IT!: I know I don't need to remind you guys of this, but brush those teeth regularly, use mouthwash, and I know I don't need to remind you guys of this, but brush those teeth regularly, use mouthwash, and always always carry Listerine pocket strips. You never know when you might hook up. Don't chew gum, because it might tire out your mouth, and you need to save energy for marathon p.u.s.s.y-eating. carry Listerine pocket strips. You never know when you might hook up. Don't chew gum, because it might tire out your mouth, and you need to save energy for marathon p.u.s.s.y-eating.

EAT OUT: p.u.s.s.y eating, c.u.n.n.i.l.i.n.g.u.s, going down, dining at the Y . . . call it whatever you want, but make sure you pay extra attention to the details down there. The c.l.i.toris is the woman's pleasure b.u.t.ton, so press it, lick it, flick it, nibble it, tease it, bite it (gently), rub it, blow on it, tickle it, suck it, and spell the alphabet on it with your tongue and look for her reaction. When you hear her moan, she is telling you that you are doing something right. So do it some more. Fingers are a great accompaniment to eating p.u.s.s.y, but sometimes less is more. Tease her and make her want it. Don't go deep or hard until she begs you. Do p.u.s.s.y eating, c.u.n.n.i.l.i.n.g.u.s, going down, dining at the Y . . . call it whatever you want, but make sure you pay extra attention to the details down there. The c.l.i.toris is the woman's pleasure b.u.t.ton, so press it, lick it, flick it, nibble it, tease it, bite it (gently), rub it, blow on it, tickle it, suck it, and spell the alphabet on it with your tongue and look for her reaction. When you hear her moan, she is telling you that you are doing something right. So do it some more. Fingers are a great accompaniment to eating p.u.s.s.y, but sometimes less is more. Tease her and make her want it. Don't go deep or hard until she begs you. Do not not treat a girl's nether regions like they are beef jerky. Do follow her lead, ask her what she likes and what she wants. We don't expect you to know everything, but you should know the basics. treat a girl's nether regions like they are beef jerky. Do follow her lead, ask her what she likes and what she wants. We don't expect you to know everything, but you should know the basics.

TOY WITH ME: s.e.xually liberated women of the millennium have their stash of d.i.l.d.os, pocket rockets, and even p.o.r.n. However, it is such a turn-on when you guys acknowledge our need to explore and bring us home a surprise. Candy and flowers are still good. Champagne and diamonds, even better. But bringing home a good s.e.x toy like a pair of fur-lined handcuffs, warming lube, a powerful vibrator, or a big fat d.i.l.d.o can totally energize a woman for marathon s.e.x sessions. Advanced toys to buy: a.n.a.l love beads and graduated b.u.t.t plugs can take you to new heights, but don't forget the lube (Eros brand lube is my fave). s.e.xually liberated women of the millennium have their stash of d.i.l.d.os, pocket rockets, and even p.o.r.n. However, it is such a turn-on when you guys acknowledge our need to explore and bring us home a surprise. Candy and flowers are still good. Champagne and diamonds, even better. But bringing home a good s.e.x toy like a pair of fur-lined handcuffs, warming lube, a powerful vibrator, or a big fat d.i.l.d.o can totally energize a woman for marathon s.e.x sessions. Advanced toys to buy: a.n.a.l love beads and graduated b.u.t.t plugs can take you to new heights, but don't forget the lube (Eros brand lube is my fave).

SPLURGE ONCE IN A WHILE: Girls love to be spoiled. A spoiled girl is a turned-on girl, and a turned-on girl likes to put out for her man. If you're not sure what to get your lady, I have three suggestions for some high-end goodies: s.e.xy lingerie (try my own brand, Mistress Couture, but Agent Provocateur rocks too), high heels (try Giuseppe Zanotti or Christian Louboutin on for size), and a glamorous dress (Dolce & Gabbana or Herve Leger are two of my faves). If your lady Girls love to be spoiled. A spoiled girl is a turned-on girl, and a turned-on girl likes to put out for her man. If you're not sure what to get your lady, I have three suggestions for some high-end goodies: s.e.xy lingerie (try my own brand, Mistress Couture, but Agent Provocateur rocks too), high heels (try Giuseppe Zanotti or Christian Louboutin on for size), and a glamorous dress (Dolce & Gabbana or Herve Leger are two of my faves). If your lady feels feels s.e.xy, she will s.e.xy, she will be be s.e.xy, and that's a win-win for both of you. s.e.xy, and that's a win-win for both of you.

GET ADVENTUROUS: The best way to spice up your s.e.x life is to be open to new adventures. Try having s.e.x in spontaneous places--f.u.c.k her in your car, f.u.c.k her in the dressing room at the mall, f.u.c.k her in the fancy hotel room you surprised her with, f.u.c.k her any place she hasn't been f.u.c.ked before. And don't forget to take her to s.e.xually charged environments like swingers' clubs, strip clubs, or fetish bars. The best way to spice up your s.e.x life is to be open to new adventures. Try having s.e.x in spontaneous places--f.u.c.k her in your car, f.u.c.k her in the dressing room at the mall, f.u.c.k her in the fancy hotel room you surprised her with, f.u.c.k her any place she hasn't been f.u.c.ked before. And don't forget to take her to s.e.xually charged environments like swingers' clubs, strip clubs, or fetish bars.FOR THE GALS . . .

TAKE CONTROL: When it comes to s.e.x, the woman usually holds all the cards and has the power to give s.e.x the green light. You've got the p.u.s.s.y power. We decide if, when, where, and how it is going to go down. So use that power wisely. Tell your man exactly what you want. Men are not mind readers, but the good ones take direction well. Let them know when you are wet and h.o.r.n.y. Make them pull that car over to f.u.c.k you then and there. When it comes to s.e.x, the woman usually holds all the cards and has the power to give s.e.x the green light. You've got the p.u.s.s.y power. We decide if, when, where, and how it is going to go down. So use that power wisely. Tell your man exactly what you want. Men are not mind readers, but the good ones take direction well. Let them know when you are wet and h.o.r.n.y. Make them pull that car over to f.u.c.k you then and there.

DRESS TO IMPRESS: Whether it's a first date or someone you are shacked up with, you should always dress to impress. Invest in good lingerie that fits well. (Stay away from "one size fits all." It doesn't.) Try Agent Provocateur, and of course, my very own private label, Mistress Couture. If you look s.e.xy, you feel s.e.xy and if you feel s.e.xy, well then you are s.e.xy! Trust me, knowing you have crotchless panties on under your business suit or jeans will put a little extra pep in your step. Also, heels not only add a few inches, but they also lift your booty, improve your posture, and lengthen your legs. So, leave the shoes on, ladies, especially when you are going to do some standing doggy! Whether it's a first date or someone you are shacked up with, you should always dress to impress. Invest in good lingerie that fits well. (Stay away from "one size fits all." It doesn't.) Try Agent Provocateur, and of course, my very own private label, Mistress Couture. If you look s.e.xy, you feel s.e.xy and if you feel s.e.xy, well then you are s.e.xy! Trust me, knowing you have crotchless panties on under your business suit or jeans will put a little extra pep in your step. Also, heels not only add a few inches, but they also lift your booty, improve your posture, and lengthen your legs. So, leave the shoes on, ladies, especially when you are going to do some standing doggy!

GET CREATIVE: As much as many men love their partner to be nothing more than a f.u.c.k doll who gets tossed around, it is good to have a few tricks up your sleeve. Go back and reread the section on page 66 on s.e.xual positions or watch my p.o.r.n to get some visual tips and tricks. For example, reverse cowgirl in front of a mirror not only gives you G-spot stimulation, but gives your man a full view of your beautiful body. You may not want to try compromising positions like a pile driver on your first date. As much as many men love their partner to be nothing more than a f.u.c.k doll who gets tossed around, it is good to have a few tricks up your sleeve. Go back and reread the section on page 66 on s.e.xual positions or watch my p.o.r.n to get some visual tips and tricks. For example, reverse cowgirl in front of a mirror not only gives you G-spot stimulation, but gives your man a full view of your beautiful body. You may not want to try compromising positions like a pile driver on your first date.

KITTY GROOMING: A well-groomed kitty is a happy kitty. Whether you want to go bald with a full Brazilian wax job or leave a California landing strip, a nice presentation of your private parts is important. The pros prefer to wax, and A well-groomed kitty is a happy kitty. Whether you want to go bald with a full Brazilian wax job or leave a California landing strip, a nice presentation of your private parts is important. The pros prefer to wax, andI personally get waxed monthly at the Honey Suite in Sherman Oaks, California, where the lovely Dana cares for my kitty. Before an on-camera s.e.x scene, it is common courtesy for the girl to douche before being intimate. The same should go for off-camera s.e.x. It keeps you feeling fresh and smelling good and will encourage your man or woman to go down on you all night long. Another trick of the trade: always use an enema before a.n.a.l s.e.x. It will provide you the confidence to really let go.

GO FOR IT: Overcome your s.e.xual inhibitions. Be a flirt, watch p.o.r.n, have a threesome, try a.n.a.l s.e.x, or have a one-night stand. Experiment with public s.e.x, give good phone s.e.x, do a girl, kiss strangers. . . . Whatever you do, just be safe and be s.e.xy! It is the only life you have, so go out and live it to the fullest. Tell 'em Tera said so! Overcome your s.e.xual inhibitions. Be a flirt, watch p.o.r.n, have a threesome, try a.n.a.l s.e.x, or have a one-night stand. Experiment with public s.e.x, give good phone s.e.x, do a girl, kiss strangers. . . . Whatever you do, just be safe and be s.e.xy! It is the only life you have, so go out and live it to the fullest. Tell 'em Tera said so!

AFTERWARD . . .

"SLEEPING BEAUTY WAKES UP".

10/12/09.

Well, I never thought I'd be writing this chapter. Over the course of putting together this book over the past year, a lot has changed. And the biggest change is that I am no longer with Evan. You probably already know this, as I announced I was divorcing him in September. Oh boy, did our haters have a field day with that news. But it's OK. When my writer, Carrie, and my editor asked me if I wanted to rewrite the book in light of this postdeadline development, I told them no. I meant everything I said and my feelings, thoughts, and ideals were all real at the time. I meant every word of it and I have no regrets. Even though one decision I made early on--the one to let him get into p.o.r.n--is what ultimately ended my relations.h.i.+p with Evan, I don't even regret that decision. Let me explain.

Evan and I have been through a lot together. He got me through my suicide attempt, my mental craziness, and my painful split from Digital Playground. He also took me to new heights and helped me achieve more than I ever thought I would. He helped me reap the financial rewards that I couldn't achieve with Digital. Through those experiences, he taught me strength and helped bring out the Tera in me who is smarter, wiser, and more independent. Even though now Evan and I are on separate paths and need to follow our different dreams, I will forever be grateful to him for bringing out the strong woman I always knew I had in me. I wish him the best in the next phase of his life. Life is a journey and Evan has been the most important step in my journey so far. But as I grew with him, I got to a point in life where I learned to be more secure, and I realized I could do it on my own. Writing this book, too, was a journey of self-discovery, an awakening. I see things differently now and my priorities have changed.

Though Evan and I grew together over our seven-year relations.h.i.+p, we have also grown apart over the past year. We each want different things. I learned that I want to have a normal life. I want a traditional marriage and I want to be a mom. p.o.r.n is my past. Evan wants to finish what he started in p.o.r.n. If you want the dirt, here it is. I gave him an ultimatum: Give up your p.o.r.n career or give up me. He wouldn't give up p.o.r.n. Of course, I was heartbroken at first, but now I feel free. Free to do what I really want to do. Free to live my life in a different way. Free to get the happy ending I always wanted, which was to marry a rock star, live happily ever after, and have it be just about me and him. Not him, me, and whatever chick he's f.u.c.king the next day. What was once OK to me is no longer OK.

To explain how it went down, I'll have to start by explaining my choice in men. As you might have noticed while reading this book, I've always been attracted to the bad boy, the rocker, the biker, and the rebel. But with that comes the good and the bad. I don't want to blame my father, but I would not be honest if I didn't admit that maybe his not always being in my life is what drove me to domineering, alpha males. I've depended too much on the men in my life and given them an opening to take control. Over the years, I've let men have power over me. It's a pattern I now see. Good or bad, love him or hate him, Evan is a domineering alpha male.

I think my dad knows his absence has affected my relations.h.i.+ps, and I think he feels a little guilty about that and knows that is why I gravitate to men who are controlling. I love my dad, but by the same token, when I've needed my dad at certain times in my life, he hasn't been there. Other boyfriends have been there and Evan was really there for me. Evan helped me through a lot and helped me be more independent and secure. So independent and secure, in fact, that I was able to walk away from him when I decided things weren't right. But don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming Daddy. I did this all on my own, and that's OK. That's what growing up is all about.

When I started my courts.h.i.+p with Evan, he was a rock star and acting on one of the hottest shows on TV, HBO's Oz Oz. I wanted to marry a rock star and live happily ever after. I didn't want to marry a p.o.r.n star, and that is what he became. I thought I had my dream fulfilled, but ultimately the dream backfired on me. I know Evan loved me and still does, but I also see that I was his way into p.o.r.n. (OK, haters, this is where you scream, "No s.h.i.+t!" Go ahead and say it or think it. I can take it. My eyes are wide open now.) He was looking for his entry into p.o.r.n and he got it through me. So, yeah, I do feel used to some extent, but I can't discount what he did for me in the process. People will gossip and say, "You're just seeing this now?!" But my answer to that is this: I was blinded by love. I believed he would only do p.o.r.n for a few years and move on. I truly believed him.

Evan achieved his goal, but in the end I suffered. He was the dominating male who ran my life, and in that I lost a lot of myself. He was living the dream--he was going to bed with Tera Patrick at night and going to work in the morning and f.u.c.king another girl. I wanted a husband for life who only loved and wanted me. I wasn't living my dream. However, in the moment, I thought I was.

On days he would shoot, he'd buy me an expensive gift like Christian Louboutin shoes or Agent Provocateur lingerie, or send me shopping. I might have mistaken those tokens as love then, but I don't buy it now. At the time, I was accepting of it because I knew he loved me and cared about me and would come home to me. He'd come back from a shoot with flowers and act all lovey-dovey, and it was fine for a while. I thought I was OK, but as time went on, I realized material things like Gucci bags and a closet full of clothes and a nice car and a beautiful house (like that Talking Heads' song "Once in a Lifetime") wasn't what I wanted. Like the song, I questioned, "How did I get here?"

I wanted to marry a rock star, live happily ever after, get out of p.o.r.n, and get into mainstream. But Evan loves being in p.o.r.n. That's his dream now. My love wasn't enough to keep us together. His take was this: "I'm having a great time. I'm having my cake and I get to eat it, too." But all I could think toward the end was "What about my cake?" I was willing to let him get into p.o.r.n to make him happy, but I was sacrificing my own happiness, though I didn't know it at the time. He wouldn't make that one sacrifice for me.

The beginning of the end for us was at the 2009 AVN Awards in January in Las Vegas when I was inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame to commemorate my ten years in the business--five years on my own and five years with Evan. After getting off that stage at AVN, I said, "I'm done." I had accomplished what I set out to do. What else can I do in adult film? I did it all. I conquered a man's world. I was the only woman other than Jenna Jameson who had started her own company and moved on to hire girls and make beautiful movies. I had worked very hard for a very long time and had accomplished what I set out to do. It was time for phase two of my life, but I didn't know it just yet.

From January 2009 until my thirty-third birthday on July 25, 2009, which was when we were in the middle-to-late stages of writing this book, I began to really reevaluate my life, my goals, my true needs, and think about what my future held. I thought a lot about Evan--the good and the bad. This wasn't a rash decision. I searched my heart and soul for those seven months, but on my birthday, my decision was etched in stone.

At my party at the Tao nightclub in Las Vegas, there was a pivotal moment when I looked up at Evan, and when he looked back, his eyes did not say, "This is my wife and I adore her and I'm so proud of her and I'm happy to be here with her on her birthday." His eyes said, "Yeah, whatever." I felt like a trophy wife. I felt like this s.h.i.+ny polished AVN award that he was picking up when it was convenient, putting in the spotlight, fanning and waving, and putting it back on the shelf when he was done. Then he would go to party with Cuba Gooding Jr. or Brett Ratner, which is exactly what he did that night. Evan spent more time with Cuba at my birthday party then he did with me, his f.u.c.king wife, at my own birthday party. I felt taken for granted and I felt used. I didn't want to be there. I was in a crowded club where all my fans looked at me with more love, devotion, and admiration than my own husband did.

Evan got what he wanted. He got the trophy wife. He got the big house and the nice cars. He got into p.o.r.n. He got his connections. He got into the hottest clubs in Vegas, Miami, Los Angeles, and around the world. He regained the fame he once lost from no longer being on Oz Oz or in a hot band. But I didn't get my dream: a man to love me, be with me, change with me, and evolve with me. The look of true love in his eyes was gone. or in a hot band. But I didn't get my dream: a man to love me, be with me, change with me, and evolve with me. The look of true love in his eyes was gone.

And I remember feeling that emptiness in Tao. All of a sudden I sat down and the music was pulsating and everyone was crowding around me--that was the life-changing moment for me. That switch in my head went off; I got that feeling in my stomach I used to get telling me something is not right here. I felt awful. I didn't feel like a wife or a person. Early on it wasn't about parading me around town; it was about our love, him and I, and that changed. That was really painful. It's painful to be writing these words. I never thought this would happen. I never thought we'd be in this this place. place.

During those seven months between AVN and my birthday, I felt like I was living in a cloud. My thinking slowly evolved during that time. I was technically living the dream, but what was once fulfilling became unfulfilling. That birthday was reflective for me. Birthdays are always like that for me. Evan always made my special day into his his special day--a big party at a flashy club that was very showy with lots of presents, celebrity guests, and people I didn't know. I once liked that, but I no longer do. My next birthday will be at my house with my family and a few close friends who truly care and love special day--a big party at a flashy club that was very showy with lots of presents, celebrity guests, and people I didn't know. I once liked that, but I no longer do. My next birthday will be at my house with my family and a few close friends who truly care and love me me, not "Tera Patrick, the p.o.r.n star," and who won't be looking over my shoulder to see if a more interesting celebrity or connection is walking in.

I gave him an ultimatum. I did. I don't care if that sounds bad; it's what I had to do. I said to Evan, "I'm your wife and that is the strongest bond two people should have, and that should come first. I've moved on from p.o.r.n. And I want you to stop. You promised me you'd only do p.o.r.n for a few years. Your few years are up. It's your p.o.r.n career or me."

(I haven't shot a movie since 2006, when we put a ton of footage in the can. If you see a DVD dated 2007, 2008, or 2009, it was shot around 2006. The only p.o.r.n I've done recently was a s.e.x scene I did with Evan for his website in 2009, which was just my way of showing my undying love and support for him. ) "Listen," I told him, early one morning in our Sherman Oaks house, "I love you. We've achieved so much. Look at what we've done. I will always love you. But I just want to put the marriage first. You know I'm not doing p.o.r.n anymore. I've written this book as closure to that chapter of my life, and I've been inducted into the Hall of Fame, cementing ten years in this business, which is a good point to stop. I'm doing my Vegas burlesque show. I'm getting offers for reality shows. Life has gone on for me. I'm on to phase two of my life and career now. I'm done with phase one. I'm not turning my back on it. I'll keep terapatrick.com and I want us to keep our baby, Teravision, alive. But you're my husband. You are a rock star. I want you to pursue your music career instead of a p.o.r.n career. You pursue music and mainstream acting, and I'll pursue my new ventures." and I want us to keep our baby, Teravision, alive. But you're my husband. You are a rock star. I want you to pursue your music career instead of a p.o.r.n career. You pursue music and mainstream acting, and I'll pursue my new ventures."

And he said, in typical Evan fas.h.i.+on, "Don't give an ultimatum. No one will ever give me an ultimatum. I'm not going to quit. Why would I want to quit?"

I was surprised at his response. I truly thought the power of love would make him see the light. I would've done anything to keep him, but eventually I had to do what was right for me.

His goal was to become a p.o.r.n star, and he got it. I realized I didn't come first to him anymore, and that broke my heart. It was the hardest thing I've had to face. I took my h.e.l.lo Kitty suitcase and my dogs Chopper and Mr. Big Time, packed them in the pink smart car Evan had given me on Valentine's Day, and headed off. As I drove off, I started thinking, "OMG, my whole life sits in a safe in my Sherman Oaks home--all of my finances, my business papers, my security--and it is with him. I need my own safe. My own financial independence."

"Where are you going?!" he screamed, running out the door and waving me down. And I said, "I'm going to be with my mother in Vegas." He didn't believe that I could drive those 280 miles to Las Vegas by myself because I had never done it before, but I did it. It felt like a Thelma and Louise Thelma and Louise moment (just without the tragic ending). I cranked up Madonna's "Jump" and Linkin Park's "In the End" and drove and cried the whole way to Vegas, never looking back. And that is when I felt truly empowered and free. For once I was not afraid to be alone. I knew I could do this. h.e.l.l, it was Evan who had helped me get strong. I made up my mind and stuck to it and soon filed for divorce. As fate would have it, I filed for divorce on September 4, 2009, which was the seventh anniversary of our first official date. Though it was my choice, that doesn't mean I wasn't devastated. I so wanted him to tell me he would quit and put me first. I so wanted him to tell me he loved me and would do anything for me. But he didn't and that will forever hurt. moment (just without the tragic ending). I cranked up Madonna's "Jump" and Linkin Park's "In the End" and drove and cried the whole way to Vegas, never looking back. And that is when I felt truly empowered and free. For once I was not afraid to be alone. I knew I could do this. h.e.l.l, it was Evan who had helped me get strong. I made up my mind and stuck to it and soon filed for divorce. As fate would have it, I filed for divorce on September 4, 2009, which was the seventh anniversary of our first official date. Though it was my choice, that doesn't mean I wasn't devastated. I so wanted him to tell me he would quit and put me first. I so wanted him to tell me he loved me and would do anything for me. But he didn't and that will forever hurt.

My mom and sister really got me through this. You don't love a man for seven years and not have doubts. I reflected on our life together over tears with Mom and Sis in my Vegas house for weeks. I truly thought we had the game plan down and I was the luckiest girl in the world. I thought past through the days I tried to kill myself, through the dark days of Digital Playground. I remembered all of that and in my heart I remember feeling he was the only one who would hold me, the only one who would love me, and now all I could think about was "How did it get to this?" That's what I agonized over. I knew it was over, but I thought, "How did I get here? How did this happen? Why can't love keep people together? Why wasn't my love enough to keep him with me? Why was p.o.r.n so much more important to him than me?

Finally, I would wake up in my bed in Vegas every morning, look to my mom and say, "Mom, I'm happy to be here. This is where I truly belong: in Vegas with you, starting a new chapter in my life." I never looked back. I realized I had been slowly falling out of love with him this past year and lost all respect for him. That said, I woke up for many mornings during this transitional time feeling a little unsure of my future, but the one thing I was 100 percent sure of was that I was making the right decision.

My mom said to me, "If you want to go back to him, I won't judge you. Whatever you want to do, I'm here for you. You may take him back ten more times. You may go through this for six more months. h.e.l.l, you may be back with him by the time this book is out. But just know that you can do this. You can live on your own. The days of making sacrifices are over for you. And he woke that up in you. He took you on a wonderful journey and now you're on another journey."

She was a strong base of support and nonjudgmental guidance, and that's what I needed. I didn't want to hear "He's an a.s.shole. You should've done this a long time ago." I'm sure lots of people thought that, but it's not helpful or fair to our marriage or to Evan, and it disrespects me. I can't and won't dismiss what we had.

My sister Debra was by my side too. She's my new a.s.sistant and is helping me with my new ventures. Ever since Debra and I were little girls, she has taken care of me. She is the caretaker, and that's how she helped me get through this part of my life. When we were young and I was going through a tough time, she knew exactly how to cheer me up: grilled cheese sandwiches. Debra's are the best. We ate a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches during this time. Debra has been my rock throughout my life and the one constant family member who has been there for me.

I think the most liberating feeling I've had day-to-day is waking up in my house in Las Vegas, being in a whole new city, and thinking, "Wow, I own everything in this house. I worked for this. This is all mine. It's not his and mine. It's mine." I love that I'm on my own now. It's such a liberating feeling. I'm so much happier. Not to say there hasn't been pain or that I wasn't happy before. I was happy. You don't stay with someone for seven years without there being true happiness. There's so much pa.s.sion between us--both in love and in hate. And don't think for a second that our on-screen pa.s.sion wasn't real. It was. Evan was my favorite performer to work with. On a day-to-day basis, do I think of him? Of course I do. I think of him, but not in the same way as before. I guess I was going through this for a long time. I was slowly waking up every day thinking, "Hmmm, what's going on? What's happening?" And I finally figured it out.

As I said, writing the book really empowered me. It made me reevaluate my life and reprioritize my needs. It was a turning point and a process of self-discovery for me. And it was a process of regaining control because I'd been out of control for so long. My split from Evan kind of reminds me of my split from my old manager at Digital Playground, Samantha. We can't discuss the details of the divorce, as I couldn't discuss the details of the split from Digital, but I can say I've had to make some financial sacrifices--I'm stronger now and can handle it. And, besides, Evan did earn it. We didn't have a prenuptial agreement when we married, but I'm not getting screwed. And, oddly, I really don't wish him any ill will.

I have my family back. I have my sister. I have my mother--a real support system for once. And equally as important, I have my sense of self and my wits about me and now I know too much. I have my pride and I'm OK. It was like Sleeping Beauty finally woke up. Maybe Evan was the poison apple, but I broke out of my slumber. I'm stronger. I'm not a victim and I'm not a fool and I don't blame it all on him. I let him do p.o.r.n. I encouraged it. But we agreed he'd only do it for a few years. I changed my mind. I changed my path. I changed my priorities and he refused to change with me. I'm a different person now. What I once thought was OK is no longer OK. What I once wanted, I don't want anymore. And that's OK. That's natural. It is called growing up and truly finding yourself, and I truly found myself with the help of Evan and my family.

I know what to do now. I still believe in love and will marry again, but I want it to be a traditional marriage. That doesn't mean I won't marry another rock star, but I'll be smarter about it next time. I know I want to keep Teravision going, but we will eventually have to evolve the company because I don't think Evan and I will be able to continue a healthy working relations.h.i.+p together.

Mistress Couture, though, is 100 percent mine and Debra is helping me run it. It's under my new Tera Patrick LLC in Las Vegas, where I now solely live. We plan to expand the line this year and I can't wait! I also have my new burlesque show called "s.e.xy," which will debut at a club in Vegas on Valentine's Day 2010. It will be an hour-long burlesque show starring me with a troupe of eight s.e.xy dancers. It's like Cirque du Soleil acrobatics meets the Forty Deuce burlesque dancer. That's right, we have burlesque aerialists in s.e.xy lingerie. I've always wanted to be a Vegas showgirl, and now is the time to fulfill that dream. I've always loved my feature dancing gigs and will continue to hit the stage for that. I also want to write another book (or two, or three) and get back to writing a s.e.x or love advice column like I once did for FHM FHM (UK) and (UK) and Genesis Genesis.

Evan is no longer my manager. I have a new management team and they want to continue what we started in mainstream and take me to even greater heights. The sky's the limit! They told me I didn't capitalize enough on the crossover that started in 2006 with that FHM FHM cover and all of those mainstream opportunities. They told me, "You are a s.e.x icon and should be branded as such. You are not a tragedy. You are a success story, but that story is not over." cover and all of those mainstream opportunities. They told me, "You are a s.e.x icon and should be branded as such. You are not a tragedy. You are a success story, but that story is not over."

Another new direction I want to go in is motherhood. I want kids. We couldn't do it in our marriage with our lifestyle and jet-setting ways. Maybe I can do it now, in a more traditional life with a more traditional man. I can't wait to remarry and give my heart and soul to someone who wants what I want. I won't sacrifice my needs ever again.

We love and respect each other enough to know that our individual growth and happiness are more important than fighting to stay together to make compromises that either of us just can't live with. People change. We changed. We have made compromises and sacrifices in our lives and marriage, but we're at a juncture where the compromises or sacrifices would change who we are and what we want to such a degree that only resentment would result.

It may seem sad, but ultimately it's an amazing gift to help someone awaken their true desires and figure out what they truly want in life. We gave each other that gift of self-fulfillment. And now, strengthened by years together in a loving, supportive relations.h.i.+p, we must continue on apart.

Writing this book with Carrie was like therapy. She made me dig deep inside myself, examine why I've done what I've done and what the emotions were behind it. It brought up the good and the bad and awakened something in me. It also helped me reconnect with Mom and think about what the next chapter in my life may be. I'm excited about the future, the great unknown, but I'm no longer fearful to go it alone. By writing about some intense situations in my life and really a.n.a.lyzing them for the first time, getting to the "why" of it all, it made me feel stronger than I ever have. Looking back, I've lived and experienced some of the best and worst, and I wouldn't change any of it. It made me who I am. It also taught me that it's not over; it's far from over. I don't think it'll ever be over. I'm excited to take on the next adventures.

The bottom line is that I know I can do anything on my own now. I plan to cover my tattoo that says "Evan's Princess." A princess is usually a damsel in distress who needs a Prince Charming to sweep in, save her, and make her happy. I needed that at the time, but I'm no damsel in distress anymore. And I will never be someone else's "princess." I am the queen of my own domain now, and I feel on top of the world for having discovered that.

My Essential Movies Aroused (1999) (1999) Fire and Ice (1999) (1999) Pick-Up Lines 45 (1999) (1999) Crossroads (1999) (1999) Caught in the Act (1999) (1999) Caribbean Undercover (1999) (1999) Up and c.u.mmers 73 (1999) (1999) Foot Lovers Only (1999) (1999) Farmer's Daughters Do Beverly Hills (1999) (1999) Gallery of Sin (1999) (1999) Girls of Penthouse 4 (2000) (2000) North Pole 11 (2000) (2000) Penthouse Pets in Paradise (2001) (2001) Collision Course (2004) (2004) Tera Tera Tera (2004) (2004) Reign of Tera (2005) (2005) Test Drive (2005) (2005) Appet.i.te for Destruction (2006) (2006) Reign of Tera 2 (2006) (2006) s.e.x.x.xpose (2006) (2006) Tera Patrick's Fas.h.i.+on Underground (2006) (2006) Teradise Island: a.n.a.l Fever (2006) (2006) Where the Boys Aren't 18 and 19 (2006) (2006) Tera Patrick Is . . . Flawless (2007) (2007) InTERActive (2007) (2007) Tera Goes Gonzo (2008) (2008) Teradise Island 2 (2008) (2008) s.e.x in Dangerous Places (2009) (2009)

You can go to TeraPatrickStore.com to purchase my movies, become a member of to purchase my movies, become a member of TeraPatrick.com for access to my movies for free, or check out for access to my movies for free, or check out www.TeraTrailers.com to get a sneak peek. to get a sneak peek.

Awards 2000: Hot D'Or, Best American New Starlet 2000: XRCO Awards, Best New Starlet 2001: Adult Stars Adult Stars magazine's Consumer Choice Awards, Best New magazine's Consumer Choice Awards, Best New Starlet 2001: AVN Awards, Best New Starlet and Best Interactive DVD (Virtual s.e.x with Tera Patrick) 2001: Genesis Genesis magazine, Best New c.u.mmer magazine, Best New c.u.mmer 2001: FOXE Awards, Video Vixen 2002: AVN Awards, Best Tease Performance (Island Fever) (Island Fever) and Best and Best Renting t.i.tle of the Year (Island Fever) (Island Fever) 2003: FOXE Awards, Female Fan Favorite 2004: Genesis Genesis magazine, p.o.r.n Star of the Year magazine, p.o.r.n Star of the Year 2004: FOXE Awards, Female Fan Favorite 2005: FOXE Awards, Female Fan Favorite 2005: Genesis Genesis magazine, p.o.r.n Star of the Year magazine, p.o.r.n Star of the Year 2006: Genesis Genesis magazine, p.o.r.n Star of the Year magazine, p.o.r.n Star of the Year 2006: Temptation Awards, Best Actress and Best New Studio (Teravision) 2007: Genesis Genesis magazine p.o.r.n Star of the Year magazine p.o.r.n Star of the Year 2007: F.A.M.E. Awards, Favorite Female Starlet 2007: eLINE Awards, Best American Actress, Best Performer and Best Businesswoman 2007: Adultcon Awards, Mainstream Crossover Star of the Year 2008: AVN Awards, Best Cinematography (Tera Patrick's Fas.h.i.+on (Tera Patrick's Fas.h.i.+on Underground), Best High End All s.e.x Release Best High End All s.e.x Release (Teravision's Broken) (Teravision's Broken) and Best Interactive Movie (InTERActive) (InTERActive) 2008: F.A.M.E. Awards, Favorite Female Starlet 2008: eLINE Awards, Best Lingerie Label (Mistress Couture) 2009: AVN Awards, Hall of Fame 2009: F.A.M.E. Awards, Favorite Female Starlet and Favorite Star Website (www.TeraPatrick.com) 2009: XBIZ Awards, Crossover Star of the Year and ASACP (a.s.sociation of Sites Advocating Child Protection) Annual Service Recognition Award

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.

I would like to thank, first and foremost, my family, who have been there for me from the beginning with unconditional love and support: Debra--my best friend, soul mate, and sister--and her husband Daniel; my mom Preeya, who I learned a lot from; my three four-legged babies--Chopper, Mr. Big Time, and Tiger; my nieces Kaila and Madison; my other siblings Matthew and Katie; my dad David; and my stepmother Kara Ostrom. would like to thank, first and foremost, my family, who have been there for me from the beginning with unconditional love and support: Debra--my best friend, soul mate, and sister--and her husband Daniel; my mom Preeya, who I learned a lot from; my three four-legged babies--Chopper, Mr. Big Time, and Tiger; my nieces Kaila and Madison; my other siblings Matthew and Katie; my dad David; and my stepmother Kara Ostrom.

I could not have done with this without my book team, especially my writer Carrie Borzillo, who went on my entire life journey with me. You know me backward and forward, and I don't know if that's a good thing, but I love you forever and it just keeps getting better. Thank you to everyone at Gotham and Penguin, including my editor Patrick Mulligan, William s.h.i.+nker, Lindsay Gordon, Lisa Johnson, and the entire staff who are working tirelessly to make this book a success. Thank you to my managers Chris Lighty and Amrita Sen from Violator Management, my literary agent Marc Gerard at the Agency Group, and my attorney David Adelman.

Margaret Cho, I couldn't have asked for a more moving foreword. It touched my heart and you are a true inspiration. Dave Navarro, Carmen Electra, and Larry Flynt, thank you for the kind words. And Larry, I thank you and Hustler Hustler for your support. for your support.

To my amazing Teravision staff over the years, thank you for helping me make my dreams come true: Max Padilla, Mike Abdelnour, Robert Mora, Candace Kang, and my publicist April Storm.

I also owe a lot to the countless magazines that have put me on their covers or in their pages--Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Genesis (especially Dan Davis), and (especially Dan Davis), and FHM FHM (especially editor Sam Barclay and photographer Perry Hagopian, who shot my crossover cover). And, to the organizations that have awarded me for me work over the years. I am truly honored. (especially editor Sam Barclay and photographer Perry Hagopian, who shot my crossover cover). And, to the organizations that have awarded me for me work over the years. I am truly honored.

I'd also like to thank my friends, colleagues, coworkers, photographers, directors, and supporters who have believed in me and helped make my dreams come true (or just kept me sane during the insanity): Jessicka Addams; Anneli Adolfsson; Rebekka Armstrong; AVN for inducting me into the Hall of Fame, letting me host the show, and putting me on countless covers; Andrew Blake; Lisa Boyle; Darius at the Red Parrot (the most amazing club ever); DJ Hideo; Carla Drake; Lisa Boyle; Ricardo Feressi; Lee Garland; Alexandra Greenberg at the Mitch Schneider Organization; Lizzie Grubman; Helenke; Steve Hirsch at Vivid; Ivan Kane of Forty Deuce; Crystal Knight; Delia Kourvatos; Chi Chi LaRue; Lena; Liinda Garristo; Tony Lee of The Lee Network; Juliet Lowrie; Perry Margouleff; Lisa Ma.s.saro; Morning Sun's Joe; Myuk; James McDaniel; Ann Myers; Caroline Pace; Michael Politz; Suze Randall; Jason and Raffelina Reyes; Erik Rudd; "Sandy" from AA; Kerry Simon; Charmane Star; Jim South; Tao's Jason and Noah; Paul Thomas; Autumn Weber; my webmasters Claude and Magalie; Teri Weigel; Tovaris Wilson; and Yumi.

Last, I would like to thank Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Page, and Paulina Porizkova for inspiring me. And to my wonderful fans around the world, you humble me and you will forever be in my heart.