More Toasts Part 76

Gigantic Army of Invasion--Two troops of cavalry on a reconnaissance.

Overwhelming Force--A sergeant and a detail of twelve men.

Fierce Naval Battle--Mysterious sounds heard at sea.

Americans Outrageously Maltreated--One American asked to explain why his trunk contained maps of German roads.

Bottled Up--A fleet at anchor.

Trapped--An army in camp.

Rout--An orderly retreat.

Heroism--A failure of soldiers to run away in the face of danger.

Decisive Conflict--A skirmish of outposts.

A man with a look of business on his face came to a hotel-keeper, and asked him if he would buy two carloads of frogs' legs.

"Two carloads!" said the man in amazement. "Why, I could not use them in twenty years!"

"Well, will you buy a carload?"

"No."

"Twenty or thirty bushels?"

"No."

"Twenty or thirty dozens?"

"No."

"Two dozen?"

"Yes."

A few days later the man returned with three pairs of legs. "Is that all?" asked the landlord.

"Yes; the fact is that I live near a pond, and the frogs made so much noise that I thought there were millions of them. But I dragged the pond with a seine, drained it and raked it, and there were only three frogs in the whole place."--_Life_.

A certain young society man was much given to telling exaggerated stories and was rapidly gaining a reputation for untruthfulness which worried his friends and particularly his chum, who remonstrated with him and threatened to disown him if he did not mend his ways.

"Charlie," said he, "you must stop this big story business of yours or you are going to lose me as a friend. n.o.body believes a word you say, and you are getting to be a laughing-stock."

Charlie admitted that he was aware of the fact but complained that he could not overcome his fault, try as he would. He suggested that had he but somebody beside him when he started to elaborate upon his tale, to tread on his foot, he was sure he could break the habit.

A few days later they were invited to a dinner party and his chum agreed to sit next to Charlie and step on his toe if he went too far.

All went well until the subject of travel was brought up. One of the company told of an immense building that he had seen when on a trip up the Nile. This started Charlie, who at once began to describe a remarkable building he had seen while on a hunting trip on the northern border of India.

"It was one of the most remarkable buildings, I presume, in the world," said he. "Its dimensions we found to be three miles in length, two miles in height, and"--as his watchful friend trod on his toe--"two feet wide."

The old sea captain was smoking comfortably by his fireside when Jack, his sailor son, burst in upon him.

"Weather too rough," explained the son, "so we've put in for the day."

"Too rough!" exclaimed Mr. Tar, with visions of his own days at sea.

"Why, sir, I was once sailing round the Cape when a storm came on, and it blew down the main-mast and the mizzen-mast was swept away, but we didn't even think of putting in."

"Well, you see," exclaimed the son, "this storm was so bad that it blew the anchors off the captain's b.u.t.tons, took the paint off the s.h.i.+p's bows and--"

"Stop!" cried the old man. "You do me credit, Jack--you do me credit!"

EXAMINATIONS

PROF--"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer."

STUDE--"No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!"

EXCUSES

In a Canadian camp somewhere in England a second George Was.h.i.+ngton has been found. He, in company with several others, had been granted four days' leave, and, as usual, wired for extension. But no hackneyed excuse was his. In fact, it was so original that it has been framed and now hangs in a prominent spot in the battalion orderly-room. It ran as follows:

"n.o.body dead, n.o.body ill; still going strong, having a good time, and got plenty of money. Please grant extension."

And he got it!

FIRST OFFICER--"Did you get that fellow's number?"

SECOND OFFICER--"No; he was going too fast."

FIRST OFFICER--"Say, that was a fine-looking dame in the car."

SECOND OFFICER--"Wasn't she?"--_Puck_.

TED--"Pity the rain spoiled the game today."