More Toasts Part 77

NED--"But you got a check didn't you?"

TED--"Yes, but to get off I had to use up the best excuse I ever had in my life."--_Judge_.

Johnny B----, who has seen eight summers go by, not very long ago developed a fondness for playing hooky from school. After two or three offenses of this kind he was taken to task by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "the next time you are absent I want you to bring me an excuse from your father telling me why you were not here."

"I don't want to bring an excuse from my father," protested the boy.

"Why not?" asked the teacher, her suspicion plain.

"'Cause father isn't any good at making excuses."

In his Savannah camp Bill Donovan, baseball manager, had a dusky-hued waiter at the hotel by the name of Sutton. Bill had to reproach Sutton more than once for a lack of agility in arriving with the food.

Sutton promised to improve. One morning he brought in a consignment of griddle-cakes that had gone cold.

"What do you mean," said Bill, "by bringing me in cold cakes?"

"Well, I'll tell you, boss," said Sutton. "I brung them cakes in so fast that I guess they hit a draft."

A country school-master had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it.

"You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"

"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steam-boat-bell."

"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "What have you to say?"

"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see Tom off!"

"Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, and a roll," said the first "commercial."

"Bring me the same," said his friend, "but eliminate the eggs."

"Yessir."

In a moment the waiter came back, leaned confidentially and penitently over the table, and whispered:

"We 'ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin', sir, and the 'andle of the 'liminator got busted off. Will you take yer heggs fried, same as this 'ere gentleman?"

EXECUTIVE ABILITY

Executive ability has been variously defined, but the following from an executive with a sense of humor seems to cover the whole subject.

He said: "Executive ability is the ability to hire someone to do work for which you will get the credit, and, if there is a slip-up, having someone at whose door to lay the blame."

_Qualifications for an Executive_

To do the right thing, at the right time, in the right way. To do some things better than they were done before. To eliminate errors. To know both sides of a question. To be courteous. To set an example. To work for the love of work. To antic.i.p.ate requirements. To develop resources. To master circ.u.mstances. To act from reason rather than from rule. To be satisfied with nothing short of perfection.--_H.

Gordon Selfridge_.

EXPENSES

A story is told about a citizen whose daughter is about to be married, and who has been trying to get a line on what the expense of the rather elaborate ceremony will be. He approached a friend of his, seeking information.

"Morris," he said, "your oldest daughter was married about five years ago, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how much the wedding cost you?"

"Not at all, Sam," was the answer. "Altogether, about five thousand dollars a year."

Here is a story of the late Lord Haversham's schooldays. Glancing through his pocket book his mother saw a number of entries of small sums, ranging from 2s. 6d. to 5s., against which were the letters "P.G." Thinking this must mean the Propagation of the Gospel, she asked her son why he did not give a lump sum and a larger amount to so deserving a cause.

"That is not for the Propagation of the Gospel," he replied. "When I cannot remember exactly on what I spend the money I put 'P.G.,' which means 'Probably grub.'"

"Don't you find it hard these times to meet expenses?"

"Hard? Man alive! I meet expenses at every turn."

EXPERIENCE

"Did you ever realize anything on that investment?"

"Oh, yes."

"What did you realize on it?"

"What a fool I had been."

It is as easy to buy experience as it is difficult to sell it.