A Humorous History of England Part 1

A Humorous History of England.

by C. Harrison.

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Preface _"Arms and the man" was Virgil's strain; But we propose in lighter vein To browse a crop from pastures (Green's) Of England's Evolution scenes.

Who would from facts prognosticate The future progress of this State, Must own the chiefest fact to be Her escalator is the Sea._

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Prehistoric Historians erudite and sage, When writing of the past stone age, Tell us man once was clothed in skins And tattooed patterns on his s.h.i.+ns.

Rough bearded and with s.h.a.ggy locks He lived in dug-outs in the rocks.

Was often scared and run to earth By creatures of abnormal girth: Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell We find their names too long to spell.

He joined in little feuds no doubt; And with his weapons fas.h.i.+oned out Of flint, went boldly to the fray; And cracked a skull or two per day.

Druids We read of priests of Celtic day, Ancient Druids, holding sway By smattering of Occult law And man's eternal sense of awe.

Stonehenge They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain Reputed Prehistoric Fane; Note each megalithic boulder; No Monument in Europe's older.

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[Ill.u.s.tration: "Veni, Vidi, Vici"]

Phoenicians Merchant explorers of that day, Hustling Phoenicians, came this way To s.h.i.+p tin ore from Cornish mines Three thousand years before these lines.

But still in spite of petty strife Man lived what's termed the 'simple life'

Julius Caesar Till Julius Caesar in five-five B.C. 55 With his galleys did arrive.

He wrote despatches of the best, 'Veni, Vidi' and the rest, Sending the news of victory home; And flags then fluttered high in Rome.

His 'photo' one plain fact discloses He brought in fas.h.i.+on Roman noses.

Of this great General 'tis allowed The best 'Life' is by J. A. Froude.

Boadicea Boadicea earns our praise.

A.D. 62 First woman leader in those days; For Freedom strove all she could do, 'Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two.

Agricola Then came Agricola one day And gained a battle near the Tay.

He started tr.i.m.m.i.n.g up this isle, And laid out roads in Roman style.

East, North, South, West, it's safe to say His handiwork is traced to-day.

The Natives too were taught to know By busy merchants' constant flow The wisdom that great Empire held; Their ignorance was thus dispelled.

Romans left About four hundred-ten A.D.

A.D. 410 The Romans left sans ceremonie.

Can it be wondered at when Rome Was needing help 'gainst Huns at home.

Our antiquarians often find The relics which they left behind; A Villa here and pavement there, Coins galore and Roman ware.

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Anglo-Saxons And so we run our flippant rhymes A.D. 430 Right on to Anglo-Saxon times.

Hengist and Horsa with their men Came from their Jutish pirate den, Jutes And paid us visits in their s.h.i.+ps Bent on their ruthless looting trips.

And Angles landing in the Humber Gave that district little slumber.

They plundered morning, noon, and night, Were rough, uncouth, and impolite, No 'By your leave' or 'S'il vous plait'

They came to rob, remained to prey.

Horsa Horsa was slain in four-five-five, 455 Leaving Hengist still alive To live out his allotted term, Surviving partner of the Firm.

King Arthur Time has many a fable wound About King Arthur's table round, Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales, And told their little fairy tales.

Augustine About six hundred years A.D.

597 To teach us Christianity Came Augustine. Wondrous Story; Canterbury's Pile his glory.

Heptarchy Called 'Heptarchy' the seven Saxon 827 States each other made attacks on; After four hundred years they'd striven They coalesced in eight-two-seven.

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Alfred Of good King Alfred we've all heard 872-901 How when hiding he incurred A lady's anger for not taking Care of Cakes which she was baking.

(Most probably she left the King While she went out a-gossiping.) Before he died in nine-nought-one, Old England's Navy had begun.

He laid a tax on every town To aid his fleet to gain renown.

He was the best of Saxon Kings And did a lot of useful things; Built Oxford with its n.o.ble spires And mapped out England into s.h.i.+res.

Danes In seven-eight-three first came the Danes 783 Who caused the Saxons aches and pains.

They sailed right up our rivers broad, Putting the natives to the sword.

"Danegeld" For centuries our sadly fated 991 Towns by them were devastated.

Etheldred the 'Unready Toff'

By 'Danegeld' tries to buy them off.

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Canute Two hundred years the raiding Danes 1014-1036 Came over. Then their Canute reigns.

We'll merely mention that he tried An object lesson with the tide.

Hardicanute Hardicanute, sad to confess, 1039-1041 Died from drinking to excess.

He couldn't conquer love of wine And with him went the Danish line.

Edward Edward the Confessor staid the Confessor The Saxon line renewed. Remade 1041-1066 At Westminster the Abbey grand, And signed the first 'Will' in this land.

And since his time ('tis not refuted) Scores of Wills have been disputed.

Ah! legal quibbles such as these Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.

Harold Harold last of the Saxon line 1066 At Hastings made an effort fine And lost his life--it was to be, Crushed by the men of Normandy.

From Scandinavia they'd come, And made fair Normandy their home; William the Whence William spying out our sh.o.r.e, Conqueror Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more.

1066-1087 In ten-six-six he won the day In that tough fight out Hastings way.

Of course, no record in our reach, Depicts 'ole Bill' thus on the beach.

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[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

GOODE NYGHTE]

William the But one thing's certain. Camera men, Conqueror If only they'd existed then, 1066-1087 Would have journeyed many a mile To 'snap' King William's happy smile.

They made him King and schoolbooks say He ruled with arbitrary sway; Demanding with sharp battle axes Instant payment of big taxes.

Curfew And p'raps it's just as well to tell He introduced the Curfew Bell; So at the early hour of eight Each doused his glim, raked out his grate.

In bed at eight P.M. each day Life was but sombre, dull and grey; No cutting fancy ball room capers, No Cinemas or evening papers.

He was a bully it is true, But to allow him his just due He made reforms; he also took In hand the bulky Doomsday book.

In William's time we're glad to write People began to be polite; Ladies curtseyed to their beaux, Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux.

The Jews The Jews he introduced from Spain Bringing much knowledge in their train Of Arts and Science; but 'Longshanks'

Expelled them with no word of thanks.