School Room Humour Part 12

THE RETORT COURTEOUS.--One of my boys, writes a friend, had his hair notched in a disgraceful manner one morning, and I quietly asked him who cut it. The accompanying note was the result: "from missus ----,--sir--as you seam so anshus to no wear my boy ad is air cut i wish to tell you that i put im in the cole seller al larst nite so as the rats cood nibbel hit horf and i cood save tuppence."

ON THE BABY.--"A baby is a man or woman as they first enter the world, and is sometimes called a infant, and they bring plenty of joy to its parents. Babies need much care because the bones are not strong enough for the baby to be used naturally. When a baby is a few months old a malecart is wanted so as to give it some fresh air, and it as to be nursed till it can crawle about on the flour. Most women like babies very much and wouldn't do without them. When first it is born it is very teisey and begins to cry, and they are enough to make anyone mad. It also needs a lot of care, for it will enhail any disease. Baby is the pet of the family, especially mother, who if the baby is a boy he becomes her darling boy in after years. When baby is about four years old it is briched if it is a boy, but if a girl she remains in her same clothes. To look after a baby is very awkard if you ain't used to it, for they jump and kick and have to be carefully handled. It is crisined when it is old enough to eat solid food. Some babies are very tiresome and have to be nutritiously looked after. My father told me that he came in a little blue box, but learned men say we came from monkeys. If the mother trys to learn it to walk very early it will make them bandy. My baby is a dear little thing!"

"To keep milk from turning sour you should leave it in the cow."--JANE, aged 10.

"The Duke of Marlborough was a great general, who always fought with a fixed determination to win or lose."--OUR SAMMY, aged 11.

"The name of Caesar's wife was Caesarea. She was above suspicion."--SMALL BOY'S HISTORY PAPER.

EXCUSED!

TEACHER: "Why did you stay away yesterday, Jimmy?"

JIMMY: "Please, sir, muvver's ill!"

TEACHER: "Oh! that's bad! What does the doctor say it is?"

JIMMY: "Please, sir, he says it's a girl!"

FOND MOTHER: "Charley, do you know G.o.d's other name?"

CHARLEY: "Yes, mamma, we learnt it to-day. Harold be Thy name!"

PARENTAL NOTE: "Dear Sir,--Don't hit our Johnny. We never do it at home except in self-defence!"

HEAD MASTER: "How did G.o.d bless Abraham?"

SMALL BOY (in whose home there has just been a Double Event): "By giving him only one baby at a time!"

MISTRESS: "Why is a motor-car called 'She'?"

SMALL BOY: "Because it is driven by a man!"

TEACHER: "Now, Frank, if you are not a good boy you won't go to heaven."

FRANK: "Oh, well! I went with father in Mr. B.'s yacht, and I went to the circus. A little boy can't expect to go everywhere!"

H.M. INSPECTOR: "If I dig right down through the earth, where shall I come to?"

SMALL BOY (who has been commended at the Diocesan Examination): "The devil and all his works!"

TEACHER: "What is a Mediator?"

SMALL BOY: "A chap who says. .h.i.t me instead!"

JUVENILE COMPLAINTS.

(AS DESCRIBED IN PARENTAL EXCUSE NOTES.)

"New Roger" } } Neuralgia.

"Real Raw Jaw" }

"Piper's Dance"--St. Vitus Dance.

"Haricot Veins"--Varicose Veins.

"Double Demoniacks"--Double Pneumonia.

"Scarlet Concertina"--Scarletina.

"Ill.u.s.trated Throat"--Ulcerated Throat.

"Information of the Eye"--Inflammation of the Eye.

[AND SO ON.]

TEACHER: "What is luke-warm water?"

SMALL GIRL: "Water that lukes warm but isn't!"