School Room Humour Part 3

That's why girls have dolls when they haven't any little brothers.

Everybody as to be a baby first. Once, before I can remember, I was a little baby. Mother says, when I had my furst trowser suit on, she put me on the table in frunt of the looking gla.s.s, and when I seen myself in the mirrow, I screamed out, 'Take them off!' 'Take them off!' 'It isnt me! It isnt me!' and they had to take them off. That's all I know about babys."

RIVAL VIEWS.--One day, recently, a teacher gave for composition to the boys and girls in the upper standards an essay on "Boys" (for the girls) and "Girls" (for the boys). The following extracts represent fairly accurately the general tone of the opinions expressed by both sides respectively:--

_Concerning "Boys."_--"Boys are mischievous and jolly ... some are gentle."--"They dress differently from each other.... Many boys are very lazy."--"Most boys are very clever.... They are very clumsy and clodhoppers."--"Some of the boys play very roughly and clumsily. They run about and step on each other's feet.... They do not very often agree."--"The boys talk more than the girls."--"Very few are gentle."--"Boys are male people."--"They are not much use to help their mothers in house-work."--"Their mothers put them nice and tidy, but some of them go and get ragged again."

_Concerning "Girls."_--"Most girls are very shy and angry."--"They sew and darn the boys' stockings."--"Their work is tidy and clean."--"They talk very silently."--"They have thin, weak voices."--"Girls dress up about mid-day, and go out, while the poor boys are hard at work."--"Girls have a kind of false pride about them. A girl will have feathers and flowers in her hat just to show off."--"Most of them are tall and delicate, and they have long legs and little tiny voices."--"Some girls have their hair frizzed up and some wavered."

THE WHALE (by a ten-year-old).--"The Whale is not called a fish, because it is so big, so it is called a creature. They eat c.o.c.kles and worms and jellies, and people catches the whales with a fis.h.i.+ng rod or a net, they have to let the rope out so the whale dies for loss of breath. The whales swim in shols [shoals] and they have a tarpoon at the end of their tails, when he moves his tail, with one blow he will smash the side of the s.h.i.+p. It has a very big head, and two fins or flappers, on one side of its body. Whales got to come up out of the water on to the land for to breath with their mouths, if he sees any people about he will swallow them up for he has very big jar bones, and strong teeth called whaleb.o.n.e.rs. Fishmongers catches whales an sail them. Some people eat whales with salt and piper and bread, and some with potatoes. If you keep a whales head under water he will die for want of breath. When they have finished with the whale they send it adrift to get some more spern oil."

A PAT ANSWER.--The following story was read to a cla.s.s of girls to be reproduced as a composition exercise:--"A gentleman was out driving in a dog-cart with his coachman, who was an Irishman, when the horse took fright and bolted. The coachman did his best, but it was evident that the beast had got beyond his control. 'Pat,' said the gentleman, 'I'd give five pounds to be out of this trap.' 'Yer honour needn't be so extravagant; ye'll be out of it for nothing presently!' He had scarcely finished speaking when the wheel was caught by a heap of stones at the roadside, and both men were shot over the hedge into an adjoining field." "Now, girls," said the teacher, "_three marks extra for the most suitable t.i.tle for this story_." Up went a forest of hands, and many and varied, if somewhat commonplace, were the t.i.tles suggested. But a comical twist on the face of a grey-eyed little Irish maiden in the front row took the teacher's attention. "Well, Norah, what t.i.tle do you suggest?" "_A cheap outing!_" said Norah demurely.

ON SMOKING.--The following is an essay by a Standard V. boy. It was written after a lecture by Dr. ---- on the Evils of Smoking: "Boys wish to be manly in their ways and habbits, this is right but in some ways it is wrong because in somethings which men does is not for boys to do.

Somethings which men does might not hurt them but it would hurt boys.

One thing is harmful to both men and boys or women that is bad language it is a dreadful thing to hear women children and men using bad language in all of the earth. But there is another bad habit of which boys follow the example of men and this is a very harmful habit to boys and to most men as well as boys. This habit is smoking with tobacco which in the British Isle is carry on very much both with men and children and sometimes women. Every time you go out if it is only just outside the door you see men or boys smoking. Now when you are smoking people say they have a stinging taste on their tongue if they only knew what this taste is I am sure they would never smoke again for if you was to tell them the number of gases which contained in tobacco they would immediately take out their tobacco and pipe or cigarettes and throw them away. For in the tobacco is a number of poisonous gases which when the smoke is indulge into the mouth the different poisons run to certain parts of the body, some gases go to lungs and others to liver and to the heart and nerves and brain and sometimes it iffects the mind and hearing. The names of some of these gases are hydrogen, prussic acid gas and carbonic acid gas and nicotine which is the most iffectable on the body and another of them called sulpherette carbonic gas. Smokers are always liable to indigestion which is brought on by these gases which is performed in smoking, besides these gases is another which is known as monoxine. If you ask a athlette if smoking was good for him he would tell plump no it is not for it shortens the wind and makes the muscles feeble. Another thing it deases your body and brings on heart desease.

It is bad for a man to smoke but it is worst to a growing lad for it injures the growth and makes your limbs shakey. Boys who smoke when they are young never occasionully live a long life, nor never grow to height because it s.h.i.+vers (_i.e._ shrivels) up your liver and bye and bye you have none at all and then you die and it brings on cancer which is another dead desease."

WHAT CONSt.i.tUTES A GENTLEMAN. [Standard VII.]--"People sometimes think that when men are dressed in nice clothes they are gentlemen but that is not the case, a gentleman is a man who knows his manners. Down in the West End and City there are great swells, but people think that because they have nice clothes they are swells, but some are more like pigs. We might see a tramp walking along a street who as hardly no boots nor clothes but very likely he has his manners. A real gentleman ought to know his manners, and also not to swear. A gentleman might be walking along a street and meet a young lady, he would go up to her and raise his hat, and say, good evening dear come along a me she would and when he left her he would say good night darling, and ask her to meet him at so-an-so."

THAT HALF-HOLIDAY.--A thirteen-year-old's description of a Thursday half-holiday:--"'Pooh, talk about hot weather, I'm nearly suffocated.

This the exclamation of Fred Brown, one day after dinner. 'Why,' said Tom, 'its Thursday. I only just thought of it. Where shall we go?' There was silence for a few minutes, then Alf Jones said: 'Let us hire a boat and row to Marlow, we can take tea.' A hamper was duly packed and carried down to the river. A boat was procured, it was in rather a bad condition, but it was the best to be had. They tossed up as to who should steer, and it fell to Tom, who knew as much about steering as a hipopotamus. They divested themselves of their coats and settled down to work. All went well utell they had gone about half a mile they went bang into some rushes, much to the anoyance of the frogs. When they looked round for damage they caught sight of Tom's hat float calmly down the stream. Of course the owner had to rescue it. They extricated themselves after a while, and resumed the journey without any very terrible accident, of course catching crabs is nothing. When they had been rowing for about a hour in the hot sun, they thought Marlow a bit too far for them, so they landed on an island with some nice trees on it, with the intention of having tea. They set to work to get out the hamper from the boat. The spirit bottle, pulled out of a heap of sandwiches, into which it had fallen, was found to be half full of water, and the spirit gone and everything else was thoroughly soaked. At Fred Brown's suggestion the sandwiches were put in the sun to dry. When they were 'cooked' they sat down to a tealess tea with good appet.i.tes. Tom Smith took a sandwich and had a good mouthful of it, but it did not stay in his mouth long he said it tasted like a lump of methylated spirit, so n.o.body had any tea.

They thought it was time to get back. It was a fairly easy time going back, they were going with the stream. They went home and had some supper, presently Fred Brown began to groan, when they asked him what was the matter he said, 'I--I only dr-drank some s-spirit and water, I th-thought it was le-lemonade, O--O.' Next morning everybody agreed that they had thoroughly enjoyed themselves."

THE LION.--"The lion is the king of all animals. It is very fierce. Lion has very big pause. It has a dark brown skin. It is got a peace of heir on its tale and all round its next. The lion life on men and other things. When the lion is young it is called a cube. The lion are mostly found in woulds out in other parts of the world. There life are very unsafe because hunter go out killed them. The lion is very useful. Its skin is used for making firs and other thing. Its tees are very useful.

The lion is used for showes. It is used in Inder."

A s.h.i.+PWRECK.--"A s.h.i.+pwreck is an awful thing for sometimes you get wet and sometimes you get dround and sometimes you get burnt but the last is the worst. Once a big lyner got upset with a mortal wound in her side but all the people was saved bar one and he got eat. Sharks and whales feed on dead bodies and sometimes they eat them alive. We should never eat fish what eat us because their canybals just like savages. Sailors catch sharks with a leg of pork and a thick string which they cut up for whalebone bone and blubber to make train oil."

THE CAMEL.--"He is called the s.h.i.+p of the desart because he runs over the sand like a s.h.i.+p and dont sink in. He runs different to the horse because he lifts up two legs on one side of his body and then two on the other. He has about a hundred stumics and each holds about a quart so when his master kills him he can have a good drink. His hump is made of fat and he eats this when he cant get gra.s.s or hay. Some camels are not camels because he has two humps and his hair dont grow all over him and were it dont is called calluses [callosities] because it kneels down and wears away. The Arab loves his steed better than his wife and in our books theres a piece about him called the Arab and his steed. His master was a prisoner and his faithful camel took him round the waist and bore him swiftly to his morning friends."

THE CRUSADES.--"The crusades were a body of men women and children who followed the red cross. They were invented by Richard the I and flocked in thousands round him to go to Egypt and some were stricken with deadly disease but they marched on. Then they began to lessen in number and fell gradually under the burning sands of Egypt and laden heavy with heavy armour. At last Peter the Hermit cited Cairo but the Catholicks bore down on him and he retreated. After travelling about for many weary months he joined an opera company and was afterwards buried in Westminster Abbey."

ABOUT THE INTERJECTION.--"An interjection is a shout or something said by a person too surprised or pained or frightened to make a sentence of his thoughts. It is not quite a human language. The lower animals say nothing else but interjections. Accordingly, ill-natured and cross people by their interjections come very near to beasts."

CONCERNING ROBERT.--"Policemen are men who are employed by the Government, to control the boys, ruffians, and all individuals which annoy or illuse the public. The boys politely term them 'coppers,' the burglars 'cops' or 'narks.' The cooks are very fond of him, and call him 'dear Robert,' and now they are going 'on strike' cooky will mourn, and the uneaten rabbit-pie will go into the dustbin, and there will be quite a gloom over the kitchens of Belgravia. There will be no kissing over the railings, and if Bobby don't keep his eyes open Tommy Atkins will collar the cake. Policemen must be over or a certain size, and must have (I believe) big pedular extremities, as all policemen's feet seem to be large. They have a fete, not foot, once a year, and then cooky gets a day off. Then they have kiss-in-the-ring, and other games, which introduce a mutual contraction of the Orbicularis Oris."

WHAT I SHALL DO IN THE HOLIDAYS.--"What I expect to do in my holidays is the greater part of the time to mind the baby. Two years and a-half old.

Just old enough to run into a puddle or to fall downstairs. Oh! what a glorious occupation! my aunt or Sunday-school teacher would say, but it is all very well for them, they ought to have a turn with him. I am going to have a game at tying doors, tying bundles of mud in paper and then drop it on the pavement. I shall buy a bundle of wood and tie a piece of cord to it, and when someone goes to pick it up, lo! it has vanished--not lost, but gone before. I shall go b.u.t.terfly catching, and catch some fish at Sn.o.b's Brighton (Lea Bridge). I shall finish up by having a whacking, tearing my breeches, giving a boy two black eyes, and then wake up on Monday morning refreshed and quite happy to make the acquaintance of Mr. ----'s cane." The following, written a little later, will convince every London teacher that R.H. had practised fis.h.i.+ng in the New River:--"Man goes fis.h.i.+ng, takes his rod and enough tackle to make a telegraph wire and starts on his piscatorial expedition. He arrives, and happy man is he if he has not forgot something, a hook, his bait, or his float. He sits there, apparently contented; he catches a frog or some other fine specimen of natural history, and a cold, and a jolly good roasting from his bitter half, when he arrives with some mackerel which he had bought at the fishmonger's. He, poor man, did not know that they were sea-fish, but his wife did. When juveniles go fis.h.i.+ng they take a willow, their ma's reel of best six-cord, a pickle jar, and a few worms, and proceed to the New River happy. When they arrive they catch about fifty (a small thousand they call it), and are thinking of returning home, when a gent with N. R. on his hat, and a good ash stick in his hand, comes up. 'Ullo there,' says he, 'what are you doing there?' 'Fis.h.i.+ng, sir,' answer they meekly. The man then takes away their fish and rod, gives them some whales instead (on their back).

And they return home sadder but wiser boys."

CHAPTER V.

THE RELIGIOUS DIFFICULTY.

TEACHER: "_On what occasion did Our Lord use the words, 'With G.o.d all things are possible'?_"

SMALL CHILD: "_To the woman who had seven husbands!_"

It would be a real novelty to write a book having even the most remote reference to education without bringing this in. But lest the headline should terrify the reader with the fearful apprehension that it is my purpose to plunge once again into the bitter and apparently never-ebbing waters of religious strife, let me hasten to say that I have no such maleficent intention. In the cla.s.sification of my budget of anecdotes I find I have an abundant selection of those which have arisen in connection with the daily Scripture lesson; and, as I have already said, they represent the richest harvest of all. The reasons for this I have endeavoured to set forth. It only remains for me, in submitting the following stories, to add that no irreverence is intended. There are, I know, some curiously const.i.tuted people who find offence in the most ingenuous laugh if provoked by what they deem a sacred subject. I would respectfully yet firmly adjure them not to read the stories which immediately follow.

THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT--NEW STYLE.--In the first place the daily _viva voce_ recital of the Commandments leads to quaint distortions when the youngster comes to commit to paper what he has been saying day by day for a year or so. Here are two startling variants on the Seventh of the selfsame Commandments--

"_Thou shalt not kick a duckery._"

"_Thou shalt not come into the country._"

SOME NEW VERSIONS OF THE TENTH.--Here is a weird distortion of the Tenth:--

"_Thou shalt not c.u.mt thy neighbours house, thou shalt not c.u.mt thy neighbours wife, mornin' circus, mornin' 'oss, mornin' a.s.s, mor anything that is his._"

Quaint in its way, but not so fearfully and wonderfully contrived, is the following misquotation also of the Tenth Commandment:--

"Thou shalt not covet ... nor his ox, nor his a.s.s, nor anything _dangerous_!"