School Room Humour Part 6

"_If the earth did not revolt it would be either all equal days or all equal nights_," is the deliberate judgment of one young geographer; and the state of mental obfuscation here discovered finds a counterpart in many geographical answers given in the earlier days. _Sodom and Gomorrah_ have been described as _the two most famous volcanoes in the world_; and the Nile has been mentioned as _rising in Mungo Park_.

_Penzance_ has been spoken of as "_the place where the pirates come from_"; and the Red Indians have been located as coming from _Red India_. Here is a brief list of what I may call geographical "howlers."

IN THE GEOGRAPHY LESSON.--"The sun never sets on English possessions, because the sun sets in the West, and all the English possessions are in the North, South, and East."

"The Arctic regions are neither hot nor cold. They abound in birds of beautiful plumage and of no song, such as the elephant and the camel."

"A table-land gets its name from its steep sides and flat top. It's all right when once you are up on the top, but it's no joke getting up."

"The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. Gravitation at the earth keeps the water from rising all the way to the moon. I forget whether the sun joins in this fight."

"What divides England from Ireland?" asked the inspector, who was elderly and deaf. The teacher trembled with apprehension as she heard a boy answer: "_The Land of Goshen, sir_." The inspector was obviously pleased, and said approvingly: "Quite right! Quite right! _The Atlantic Ocean!_"

Some time ago the _Stella_, a South-Western Railway packet, struck on a rock near one of the Channel Islands. In an examination on General Knowledge I asked the name of the rock. A boy replied: "_Rock of Ages_."

SOME HISTORY LESSON BLUNDERS.--Now let me turn briefly to the History lesson and note the curious blunders and anachronisms that a modern rendering or a juvenile misapprehension of old-world facts reveal. Let me set out a few instances:--

"The cause of the Peasants' Revolt was that a s.h.i.+lling poultice was put on everybody over sixteen."

"The poll-tax was to be paid by everyone who had a head."

"The Fire of London, although looked on at first as a calamity, really did a great deal of good. It purified the city from the dregs of the plague and burnt down eighty-nine churches."

"King James I. was very unclean in his habits: he never washed his hands and married Anne of Denmark."

"Henry VIII. was a very good king. He liked plenty of money. He had plenty of wives, and died of ulcers in the legs."

"Edward III. would have been king of France if his mother had been a man."

"The conquest of Ireland was begun in 1170 and is still going on."

"The Pilgrim Fathers were the parents of the young men who took journeys to the Holy Land in the Crusades. They had to give an allowance to their G.o.dly sons while they were away in the East. But they never grudged it, because it was an honour to be a Pilgrim's father."

"Sir Philip Sydney gave the last drop of water in his jug to a dying soldier on the field of Waterloo, as was mentioned in the Duke of Wellington's despatches."

"John Milton is the celebrated author of the excursion, and lived chiefly in the lake country near Carlyle."

_Teacher_: "In whose reign was that palace built?" _Scholar_: "Edward the Confectioner's."

"George I. was the son of the Electric Sophia."

"Isaac Walton was such a good fisherman that he was called 'the judicious hooker.'"

IN THE SCIENCE CLa.s.s.--Not less amusing are the mistakes which arise during the "elementary science" lesson. Here are a few cases in point:--

"A vacuum is nothing shut up in a box. They have a way of pumping out the air. When all the air and everything else is shut out, naturally they are able to shut in nothing, where the air was before."

"A drug is any wholesome vegetable food for taking once in a way but not for regular food."

WITH THE LITTLE BABBAGES.--"Things which are double each other are greater than anything else."

"Circ.u.mference is a straight line round the middle of a plane."

"Two straight lines cannot enclose a s.p.a.ce unless they are crooked."

_Question_: "If the sum of two numbers is a multiple of ten, what relation is there between the figures in the units place in the squares of the two numbers?" _Answer_: "(1) The same relation. (2) Ought is the relation existing between them."

DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--_Question_: "Give directions for sweeping a room."

_Answer_: "Cover up the furniture with dust sheets, scatter damp tea leaves over the carpet, then carefully sweep the room into the dust pan and throw it out of the window."

The following notes are selected from the answers given at a recent examination of girls between twelve and sixteen years of age:--"Cheese is as wholesome as 8 pounds of beef.--Beef is a useful article of food obtained from different animals, such as the cow, sheep, pig, &c.--The lean of beef belongs to the animal kingdom, and the fat to the vegetable kingdom.--b.u.t.ter is good for the brain.--Milk is called a model food because it models the form of the child.--Without eating potatoes we would become very delicate, because potatoes are very necessary to sustain human life.--_Pot-au-feu_ is mashed-up meat.--_Cretins_ are generally served up with green pea soup.--If a man lives without food for a considerable time, say sixty days, he will die at the end of a month; or if the const.i.tution is delicate, he may only live for a week, or less."