School Room Humour Part 5

BIBLICAL CRICKET.--The vicar recently came down to distribute the prizes to the successful athletes at the school sports. In his prefatory remarks, he mentioned that games were not unknown even in scriptural times, and asked if any boy could furnish a text to prove this.

"Yissir," said one urchin, "our Lord said to a team of His disciples when they was agoing to play in a cricket match: 'Beware of the _'leven_ of the Pharisees.'"

THE ONE THING NECESSARY.--Venerable Archdeacon: "Now, my dear children, I will ask you a few questions in your Catechism. Which of you can tell me the two things necessary in Baptism?" "Quite right, 'Water.' Water is one thing, and what is the other? What! can none of you think what else is necessary? Well, little girl, what do you say?" Little Girl: "_Please, sir, a baby._"

DIVISION OF LABOUR.--The subject of a Scripture lesson to a cla.s.s of girls in Standards V. and VI. happened one day to be the Resurrection.

Whether the curate, fresh from the 'Varsity, failed to make the matter interesting because of faulty arrangement of matter or indifferent method is not recorded. But the girls did not show much attention while the changes which are to come to our vile bodies were being tabulated.

So, turning to one girl more conspicuously inattentive than the rest, the curate sharply asked: "Mary Jane! who made your vile body?"

"_Please, sir, mother made the body and I made the skirt_," replied Mary Jane.

TAKING THE BONES.--A curate had been talking diligently for half an hour to a cla.s.s of school children, but their attention was not very freely given. The subject was "The Doings of the Children of Israel," and very special mention had been made of how they had been commanded to take the bones of Joseph with them when they made their exodus from the land of Egypt. Suddenly pouncing upon one boy who was particularly inattentive, the curate said: "Whose bones did the children of Israel take with them out of Egypt, Sam?" Sam was nonplussed for a moment, then a brilliant idea struck him, and his answer came out triumphantly: "_Their own!_"

MOSES AND THE BURNING BUSH.--The teacher was one morning giving a lessen on "Moses and his talk with G.o.d," introducing, of course, the mystery of the burning bush not being consumed, and laying particular stress on the reverent att.i.tude of Moses in taking off his shoes before approaching the sacred place. At the close of the lesson the teacher questioned his pupils to gauge their interest, and among other queries he submitted the following: "Why did Moses take off his shoes before approaching the bush?" Judge of his consternation when he received the following reply from a little fellow of eight years: "_Please, sir, to warm ees feet!_"

CLEVER TEACHER.--The vicar of a Somerset parish was noted for his extremely precise enunciation. He was in the habit of taking the Scripture lessons in the village school, and had spent some time on "The Lives of the Patriarchs." One morning he questioned a cla.s.s upon the story of Jacob. "What did Isaac tell Jacob to do when he left home after obtaining the blessing?" asked the vicar, pointing to a dull, big boy.

"He told un to pay the man, zur," was the response. "To pay the man!"

replied the vicar wonderingly; "what man?" "Please, zur, I doant 'zacly remember what his other name were, _but 'twere Dan somebody or other_."

The vicar lost the point of the answer; but the teacher, with keen appreciation, quoted softly to herself, "_Arise, go to Pa-dan-aram_,"

and she thought the boy was not wholly to blame for thinking that _Dan Aram_ was a man, and ought to be paid.

ROUGH ON THE DEACON.--"Explain," said the teacher, "all you can about the words Bishop, Priest, and Deacon." "I never saw a Bishop," wrote one hopeful. "A Priest is a man in the Old Testament, _and a Deacon is a thing you pile up on the top of a hill and set fire to it_!"

THE THIRTEENTH APOSTLE.--The question was: "How many Apostles were there?" "Thirteen," said one little chap. "Thirteen!" repeated the teacher in astonishment. "I thought there were only twelve!" "St.

Matthew," replied the boy, "tells us the names of twelve, and St. John gives us the name of the other one--_Verily, that Jesus used to talk to so much_."

CHAPTER VI.

THE FOND PARENT.

"_Political Economy is the science that teaches us to get the greatest benefit out of the least possible amount of honest labour._"--WEARY w.i.l.l.y, JUNIOR.

There is no more universal fallacy than the firmly-rooted prejudice that finds a comment in the old tag that "Everybody's goose is a swan." How impregnably established is this conviction in the parental mind--when in contemplation of the capacity of its wonderful offspring--only teachers know. Eternal are the complaints that whilst Jimmy Miggs has been promoted to the Third Standard "Our Willie" remains in the Second! And brilliant is the diplomacy that is needed to make the situation parentally endurable. Then there is the irate parent, the sacred person of whose immaculate hopeful has been gently touched with the discriminating hand of discreet personal chastis.e.m.e.nt. Ah me! What havoc such an one can work with the calm serenity of the schoolroom. Strangely enough, it is amongst the thriftless and self-indulgent minority of working cla.s.ses--those who shockingly neglect and ill-treat their children themselves--that the teacher finds the greatest trouble in this matter of objection even to the most moderate and wisely-administered corporal punishment.

For myself, I hit upon an excellent expedient when the peace of the school was suddenly ravished by the sudden and unbidden entrance of some angry "mother." With great suavity I offered her a chair and considerately pressed her into it. If she could be induced to rehea.r.s.e her complaints whilst still sitting down the fires of her fury would soon flicker out. Indeed, I have never yet met an angry woman in any walk of life who could sufficiently express her feelings whilst sitting down. _Verb. sap._

The parental "Note" is often very amusing, sometimes abusive, and occasionally clever and caustic. Excuses for absence, which involve a reference to ailments with rather unspellable names are, naturally enough, badly boggled. Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Influenza, Lumbago, Inflammation, Diarrhoea--what tribulation these half-dozen words represent to be sure! And what excruciating distortions the parental note bears upon its usually rough and crumpled face. I remember _neuralgia_ once being rendered "_real raw jaw_," which is not so far out after all! "Very bad with _New Roger_" is not so near a shot. I also recall a note of excuse that informed the teacher that Charlie couldn't come to school "_because he has got haricot veins_!" This is as curious as "_In bed with Piper's Dance_!" I have seen a "note," too, which speaks of Mary being "_down with an ill.u.s.trated throat, with glaciers on both sides_!" And, finally, there was once the alarming case of Alfred, who had "gone to the hospital to have some _aneroids_ taken from his nose." But let a few of these little missives speak for themselves:--

A NOVEL MODE OF TRAVELLING.--The following excuse for lateness from a Dover parent is very appropriate to a seaside town: "Dear miss, please excuse mary being late as she _as been out on a herring_."

MONEY MARKET DOWN.--Here is a verbatim copy of a note received: "Tom is not fit to come to school yet, as doctor Blight said I have to tell you as they have _Inflamation in the Consols_. John and Harry."

ONE FOR THE TEACHERS.--The following note is from an irate parent: "Willie ---- was absent From school this morning because Is mother is at market and I have no one here to do anything as you Do know I have Told you before know kindly state the Reason That you and all of The Teachers was absent from school for a month without asking our leave. Mr. A."

"HARY AND EMENA."--Please sir hary and emena are unfit to attenion school hary is got to go to the infirny with Exmoor and emena all over him and not able to come I have seen Mr. Bennett." This excuse was to convey the information that Harry and Emma had gone to the infirmary because both were suffering from eczema, and that the mother had seen the attendance officer (Mr. Bennett) about it.

TO INTRODUCE MAUD P.--A new scholar recently appeared at a Board School with the accompanying letter: "Maud P. will be 6 years of age next january 30th 1905 G.o.d Willen it she live she have not atended Scoole Much as she is Never well far lange toGether she suffer with a bad feat she have had 2 wounds an it if you like to lett she take off her sliper an shoken you Can see it i fear it will break aut again as it is Very read and inflamed at Night and she Complained of pain it was in the furst place threw a kick fraw another Child at W---- P---- Scoole the Cause kindle see she is not hurt if you plese and Not to wipe she as she is a such a timed Sence Child ben ill so Much have rather spoilt her but she is i trust honest and truful and laven so kindness will do ware sharpness faile she only stain with Me to see if she Gett on all rite as her home is 2 Miles from a Scoole at ---- her parents keep she i am her Grandmother & Canat see Very well so i fear My riten will be hard to read."

PARENTAL RAGE.--"If you please A---- B---- what made you not give F---- C---- his ticket on Friday for he had been 10 times so he ought to have had it so if you please dont to give him it on Monday morning i shall go farther to work with it. for i think i know more about school then you do for i when their long before you did he as been to school all the week so he as earnt his ticket so if you dont give it to him by fair means you shall by foul so you can please yourself for you are not master nor misstres yet and i dont think that ever you will be we have to pay rates so we have to pay part for the school and it was down right a shame that he was not put up when the others was for he is always at school wet or fine bad or well he never stop away their was never such teachers as you had to teach me when i went to school they know which way to teach a child and that is more than you do if he his not put up before long he shall go to another school for he does reading and writing very well at home at night so by that means he must do it good at school. so if he dont bring his ticket home with him on Monday dinner time you can look for some body to make you give it up for it was not in your place at all to keep it i know school rules."

DROPPED INTO POETRY.--The following couplet was once received in reply to an inquiry as to the reason for absence:--

"_Grim tyrant of the powers that be, Take note! The lad had leave from me._"

On another occasion the reply came back:--

"_George stayed away to make the hay To please his own dear mother, And you can take the case to law To save all future bother._"

CHAPTER VII.

LITTLE SCIENTISTS AT SEA.

"_Gravity was discovered by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling from the leaves._"--LITTLE JIM, aged 10.