School Room Humour Part 8

A MODEST REQUEST.--It was "play-time." Wordy warfare was being waged between two cherubic little brothers of four and five summers. As the teacher drew near:--"Please, teacher, can Stanley play on my harp?"

cried the bigger. "Yes, I shall! Yes, I shall!" taunted little Stanley, dancing with mischievous joy. "But, Harold, you haven't a harp," said the teacher. "When we're in Heaven!" he muttered fiercely. "_He says, when we're in Heaven he shall play on my harp!_"

NOT SO FAR OUT.--At a recent visit of H.M.I. to an Ess.e.x school the children were saying a piece of poetry ent.i.tled "The Wind in a Frolic."

In this piece occurs the line: "_So on it went capering and playing its pranks._" The inspector stopped the cla.s.s here, and asked the cla.s.s to tell him the meaning of capering, and also the name of any animal that cuts capers. The answers given by several boys were a kitten, a pup, a goat, a lamb, &c. However, a very happy thought struck one small boy, who immediately put up his hand and said: "_A motor car!_"

THE BEAR SONG.--_Billie_ (aged four): "Mother dear, sing me the bear song." The fond mother casting about in her mind for the song in question, but to no avail, began to sing from her customary list in the hope of hitting the right one, but her efforts were cut short by the youngster's disapproval. The mother's list of songs becoming exhausted, she changed from song to hymn, and her efforts were rewarded when she reached the hymn, "Hark, my soul"; but not until the third verse was being sung,

"Can a woman's tender care Cease toward the child _she bare_,"

did this fond mother appreciate the bear song.

MORE WAYS THAN ONE.--The teacher was busy at his desk, trying to discover the error which prevented the register from balancing, when a youngster of seven years walked forward with his hand up. "What do you want?" said the teacher, without turning round. "Please, sir, Jock Broon's callin' me names," was the reply. "Oh, get away!" exclaimed the teacher, again settling to his work. He had totalled up to near the top of the column, when the same youngster again appeared and said: "Please, sir, Jock's doing it again." The teacher was so annoyed at the second interruption that he sharply reprimanded "Jock," and threatened to punish him if he again repeated the offence. Turning to his desk, the teacher made a determined effort to discover the error in the totals, when his tormentor again appeared. Seizing the cane, the teacher turned to him and demanded to know what he wanted. "_Please, sir, Jock's whistlin' it_," he answered.

A MIXED GRILL.--The wife of a duke is a "ducky."

A veteran is "a man what does hosses."

Coolies are "men that live in cold countries."

Mailboats are "boats that only carry men."

A husbandman is "a man with two wives."

"The first words of Zacharias on recovering his speech were: 'I am dumb.'"

Of course it was a boy who wrote that a graven image is "_an idle maid with hands_."

"Six days shalt thy neighbour do all that thou hast to do."

"_THEY_ 'AD TO DO IT."--An inspector once asked a teacher during a lesson in Mental Arithmetic if she ever allowed a pupil to propose questions to the children. The teacher replied that she had done so.

H.M.I. then asked, "Who would like to ask the other children a question?" Several hands went up instantly. "Come on, Tommy." Tommy marched in front of his cla.s.s with an air of importance and confidence, born of experience, and blurted out: "A million articles at half-a-crown each." _Inspector_: "Well, Tommy, what do you make it yourself?"

_Tommy_: "Please, sir, _they_ 'ad to do it, not me."

LITTLE JIM.--Some years ago a teacher was hearing a cla.s.s read the poem "Little Jim." He had been trying very hard to teach expressive reading.

The children had been brought almost to tears by hearing the teacher read the verse describing the death scene, when he called on a boy to read the verse describing the return of the dead child's father. The reader evidently trusted too much to memory, for, in all earnestness and with beautiful expression, he read--

"He saw that all was over He knew the child was dead; He took the candle in his hand _And walked upstairs to bed._"

AN EXCELLENT REASON.--"Who," asked the teacher, "is your favourite writer?" Johnnie answered, "Samuel." "Why?" replied the teacher.

"_Because_" answered Johnnie, "_I like to read about him!_"

WHY YOU COULDN'T.--As an exercise in composition upper standards had occasionally to write what they could upon a given maxim. The one given was: "You can't put old heads on young shoulders." One boy gave up his paper to the master, who, upon scanning it, found the first sentence to be as follows: "_Of course you can't, and if you did they wouldn't fit._"

SOLD AGAIN.--During the annual examination the children in the Fifth Standard were asked to give an example of a sentence containing more than one subject. This, the inspector thought, would const.i.tute a poser.

Instantly, however, up rose a ragged, shock-headed "hoyden," who straightway began to quote from Browning's "Pied Piper":--

"'Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats, Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats, Grave old plodders, gay young friskers, Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins, c.o.c.king tails and p.r.i.c.king whiskers, Families by tens and dozens, Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, Followed the Piper for their lives.'"

THE SCHOOL HOUSE WAS EXEMPT.--The master of a village school in the vicinity of Dundee was in the habit of giving out an essay to be written at home by the pupils of the first cla.s.s. One Friday afternoon he gave as the subject for the weekly exercise, "Local Events." At that time scarlet fever was very prevalent in the district. One pupil of promising parts took this fact for the subject of his essay. He dwelt on the sad ravages which had taken place in the neighbourhood as the result of the epidemic, and finished by saying how pleased he was that the dreadful scourge had not visited the school house, "_for the Lord delighteth not in the death of the wicked_."

A SYMPATHETIC RENDERING.--A boy in a Board School recently gave the following rendering of the verse in the "Wreck of the _Hesperus_":--

"Then up and spake an old sailor, Had sailed the Spanish main; 'I pray thee put into yonder port, For I fear _the horrid cane_.'"

HEAVEN-SENT PHYSIC.--_The Diocesan Inspector_: "Now, my dear children, tell me how Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed." _Sharp Boy_: "Brimstone and treacle from heaven, sir."

A LESSON ON FRACTIONS.--_Teacher_ (giving lesson on fractions): "Here, children, is a piece of meat; if I cut it in two, what shall I have?"

_Cla.s.s (tutti)_: "Halves!" _Teacher_: "And if I cut my pieces again in two, what do I get?" _Cla.s.s (tutti)_: "Quarters!" _Teacher_: "And if I again do the same?" _Cla.s.s_ (half-chorus): "Eighths!" _Teacher_: "Good.

If we continue in the same way, what shall we have?" _Cla.s.s_ (a duet): "Sixteenths!" _Teacher_: "Very good. Let us cut our pieces once more in two, what then shall we have?" _Cla.s.s_: Several bars rest. Dead silence.

However, in the corner one pair of eyes twinkled. _Teacher_: "Well, Johnny, what shall we have?" _Johnny_ (solo): "Mincemeat, ma'am!"

"DON'T BE AFRAID, FIDO."--A little dog was trembling with fear at the high wind. Little Polly put her arms round it, saying: "Don't be afraid, Fido; _all the hairs of your head are numbered_."

THE THING THAT THERE ISN'T.--"What is a nib?" asked a little reader of four years. "Oh, I know!" said d.i.c.k; "_it is that thing that there isn't when you buy a pen_."

A QUAINT PRAYER.--A dear little child was saying her prayers aloud beside her mother's knee, and added a prayer on her own account: "Oh, please, dear G.o.d, make me pure, _absolutely pure as Epps' cocoa_."