School Room Humour Part 9

WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING.--Teacher: "Now, John, what did Moses do for a living while he was staying with Jethro?" John: "_Please, sir, he married one of his daughters._"

AN OLD FRIEND UNDER A NEW NAME.--The six-year-olds had been hearing the story of the Good Samaritan. Teacher: "Who came along after the priest?"

Willie: "_Please, miss, the fleabite_."

WHAT BECOMES OF THE MOONS.--H.M.I.: "You have all heard of new moons, full moons, and crescent moons. What becomes of the old moons?"

"_Please, sir, they are cut up to make stars_," was a girl's reply.

CUTE!--The teacher was questioning the cla.s.s at the end of the object-lesson on the "Cat." "How is it that p.u.s.s.y can see in the dark?"

said he. "_Because they feed her on lights_," answered the smart boy of the cla.s.s.

GROSS DARKNESS.--In reading from the Bible that gross darkness covered the face of the earth, the teacher asked what gross darkness meant. The top boy in mental arithmetic said: "_One hundred and forty-four times darker than ordinary darkness._"

A NOVEL WEAPON.--"With what weapon did David slay the Philistines?"

asked the examiner. "Please, sir," answered a child, "_the axe of the Apostles_."

FAITH.--"What is Faith?" asked the inspector. "_Faith_," replied a ten-year-old, "_is that quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue_."

A FIs.h.i.+NG-NET.--"_A fis.h.i.+ng-net_," wrote an ingenious Standard III. boy, "_is a lot of little holes joined together by a bit of string_."

TOO LITERAL.--Teacher (to newly-joined pupil): "What's your name?" Boy: "Smiff." Teacher: "Where do you come from?" Boy: "I dun'no." Teacher: "Ever been to school before?" Boy (more brightly): "Yus." Teacher: "Was it a Board School?" Boy: "_No, brick._"

EXCUSED (scarlet fever is bad in village).--Teacher: "Why did you stay away from school yesterday?" "Please sir, muvver's ill." Teacher (anxiously): "What does the doctor say it is?" "_Please sir, he says it's a girl._"

DEFINING A PARABLE.--The definition usually taught for a parable is, "An earthly story with a heavenly meaning." At an examination one boy wrote, "A heavenly story with no earthly meaning."

JACOB'S DREAM.--There is an amusing and, I believe, a true story concerning that wonderful dream of Jacob's and the angels going up the ladder to heaven. "Please, sir," asked one of the boys in the cla.s.s to which the story was being rehea.r.s.ed, "why did the angels want to go up the ladder when they had wings?" This nonplussed the teacher, who took a strategic movement to rear by saying, "Ah, yes! Why? Perhaps one of the boys can answer that." And one _did_. "Please, sir," said he, "_because they was a-moulting_."

W.H.S.B.--I am told that an inspector of schools recently asked a boy attending one of the West Ham School Board's schools what the letters W.H.S.B. carved over the door meant, and was at once informed "_What Ho!

She b.u.mps._"

A SUCCESSFUL FAILURE.--The following amazing and amusing attempt at composition was the actual effort of a boy who was being examined for a "full-time" exemption certificate. The inspector had told the children to write _in their own words_ the substance of any story they had ever read in their own reading-books. This is what the budding "full-timer"

produced: "A Fox and a Crow in porse I well no, many Good Things are request a Crow having venchurd a Dairy too go found a nice peace of chease which she flew in her beek to the top of a tree. A Fox just dined for chease felt inclined. She saw her fly." Poor chap! he had tried to reproduce the following:--

The fox and the crow, In prose I well know, Many good little girls can rehea.r.s.e.

I think it will tell, Pretty nearly as well If we try the same fable in verse.

In a dairy a crow Having ventured to go, Some food for her young ones to seek, Flew up in a tree, With a fine piece of cheese, Which she joyfully held in her beak.

A fox who lived by, To the tree saw her fly, And to share in the prize made a vow, For having just dined, He for cheese felt inclined, So he went and sat under the bough.

"'Tis a very fine day."

Not a word did she say.

"The wind, I believe, ma'am, is south A fine harvest for peas."

Then he looked at the cheese, But the crow did not open her mouth.

Sly Reynard, not tired, Her plumage admired, How charming! how brilliant its hue!

The voice must be fine Of a bird so divine, "So pray, let me hear it, now do!

"Believe me, I long To hear a sweet song."

The silly crow foolishly tries, But she scarce gave one caw, When the cheese she let fall, And the fox ran off with the prize.

ESPECIALLY FOR ME.--Last Christmas I was distributing the prizes at the Upper Kennington Lane Board School. I wound up with an exhortation to the boys to be good during the coming year. Said I: "Now, boys, see that when I come again next Christmas I shall hear an excellent account of you, and shall not have to be told that you have got into any trouble or mischief. "_Same to you, sir!_" shouted the whole school with one accord. Whether this was quiet humour or a mechanical reply to the time-honoured "Merry Christmas, boys!" which they had taken my final words to imply I cannot say. But I am trying to live up to the injunction as this little book attests.

THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.--Teacher: "Yes, children, we are animals. Quite right. How do you know we are animals?" Tommy: "_Because it says we are Jesus's lambs!_"

LOYAL SUBJECTS.--Teacher: "What did the angels sing when they came to the shepherds?" Little One: "_G.o.d save our Gracious King!_"

NEED FOR CAUTION.--One morning the curate of the parish visited the village school to conduct the usual morning service. He proceeded to give a lesson to the upper standards on "Regeneration." He commenced by asking the cla.s.s if any of them could tell him the meaning of the word "Regeneration," but no reply was forthcoming. It therefore fell to the curate to define the word. He said, "Regeneration means to be born again." Addressing himself to one little fellow, the curate said, "Now, my little boy, wouldn't you like to be born again?" "No, I shouldn't,"

answered he. "For why?" asked the curate. The boy quickly responded, "_Because I should be afraid of being a girl next time!_"

NOT TO BE BEATEN.--A short time ago a lady gave a children's party, to which a little boy of four was invited. The next day he was giving some account of the fun, etc., etc., and said that every little visitor had contributed either song or recitation, music or dance, for the pleasure of the rest. "Oh dear! Jack!" said his mother "How very unfortunate you could do nothing!" Jack (with bravado): "Yes I could. I was not to be beaten, _so I just stood up and said my prayers_!"