The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment Part 13

If we walk in a private garden, and the company is numerous, we may separate, and form distinct groups. If the master of the house or any person of consideration, invite you to walk up and down the alleys, take care to give them the right, it being the most honorable side. At the end of each alley, and when you must retrace your steps, turn inside towards the other person, and not outward, as you would thus present your back to him. If you happen to be with two persons who are your superiors, do not place yourself in the middle, for that is the place of honor; the right, is the second, and the left the third place.

Be careful also of the choice of places if you take an airing in a coach, and yield the first seats to ladies and distinguished persons.

The one of most consequence gets in first, and places himself at the right of the back seat; the left of the same seat is occupied next; then, the third person seats himself on the front seat, facing the one in the first place; the fourth person takes the remaining seat, facing the one in the second place. If there is no servant, it is proper for the gentlemen to open the door, arrange the packets, &c.

In a cabriolet or chaise, the right side is for the one who drives when there are only two persons. If there are three, the driver sits in the middle, even although he may be very inferior to his companions. I may add, that it is not customary for a lady to go alone in a hired cabriolet, since she would then be in the company of the driver only.

SECTION II.

_Of Parties and Amus.e.m.e.nts._

We shall have but few things to say upon the manner of conducting one's-self in a party, for we should only repeat the advice we have already given as respects propriety in the carriage of the person, in visits, and in conversation.

If a gentleman enters a drawing-room where there are more than ten persons, he should salute all generally, by a very respectful inclination of the head, and present his respects first to the lady of the house, but converse at first only with her husband; gentlemen usually stand in groups, while the ladies sitting, answer the salutation by a similar one; we should remark that the ladies do not rise, except in saluting one of their own s.e.x.

However distinguished a person may be, we do not allow conversation to be disturbed by their coming. They listen for a few moments while observing what persons are present, then mingle in the conversation, without pretending at all to monopolize it. When conversation is not general, nor the subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole company, they break up into different groups. Each one converses with one or more of his neighbors on his right and left. We should, if we wish to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person who happens to be between. A gentleman ought not to lean upon the arm of a lady's chair, but he may, while standing, support himself by the back of it, in order to converse with the lady half turned towards him.

It would be extremely impolite to converse in a loud voice with any one upon private subjects, to make use of allegories and particular allusions which are understood only by the person with whom you are conversing and yourself. It would be equally out of place to converse in a foreign language, with any one who might be able to speak it.

It is not proper to withdraw in the midst of any conversation, but to wait until the subject in which you are engaged shall be finished; you then salute only the person with whom you have been talking, and depart without taking leave of any one, not even the gentleman and lady of the house.

The mind has need of recreations; it cannot be always occupied. Hence the custom of pa.s.sing a few moments in those family and social parties, where we take part in the various amus.e.m.e.nts and games which have been invented to relax and divert the mind.

It is useless to observe here that we do not mean to speak of those scandalous establishments in which are frequently swallowed up the resources of families, and where a person, led by an unhappy pa.s.sion, may consume in one evening, enough to furnish an annual support for fifty orphans; we design to speak only of those innocent games, in which we are ambitious only of the glory of a triumph. To propose to play a deep game would be to expose ourselves to contempt. For, those who composed the a.s.sembly, would imagine that he who makes this request, has no other object in view but to enrich himself at the expense of others, and that he is accustomed to frequent those abominable houses of which we have just spoken.

We should have a bad opinion of a player who, when he gained, should show excessive joy, and if he lost, should betray the least chagrin; for he ought to remember that it is only for amus.e.m.e.nt that he plays.

Conduct yourself without letting escape the least word of dissatisfaction, and be pleasant even if you are unfortunate.

When you leave off playing, converse with your adversary, and not seem to avoid him, but especially never speak to him of his good luck in playing, unless it be with a frank gaiety, for otherwise you would seem to be inspired with anger.

Play with fairness, and do not endeavor to see the hand of your adversary in order to profit by it; pay attention to your game, and not hold conversation with others. This inattention would render you necessarily insupportable to those who play with you.

If any play is contested, we should not discuss it with warmth, but refer to disinterested persons, explaining to them with calmness and politeness the point in dispute.

In playing, we must always preserve an even temper; neither should we devote too much time to it, for then this amus.e.m.e.nt would become irksome, and would soon be changed to a fatiguing occupation.

When the mistress of the house has prepared the tables for playing, she takes as many cards as each game requires players, and presents them to the persons present, beginning with the one whom she wishes especially to honor. To accept a card, is considered an engagement to play. The distribution of the players requires all the attention of the mistress of the house, for there are some persons not to be desired for partners.

There are, besides, bad players, persons who being little accustomed to playing, stop a long time to think, bite their lips, strike their feet together under the table, drum upon the table with their fingers; pretend that such a person being near brings them bad luck, and request out of their turn to shuffle the cards, in order to change the luck, &c.

The mistress of the house experiences, besides the embarra.s.sment of arranging these unlucky players, sufficient trouble in keeping from the same table, those who have any antipathy to one another.

When we commence playing, we salute, by an inclination of the head, the persons with whom we play, as we deal to them the first card. Gentlemen should collect the cards at the end of each hand, shuffle, and present them to the lady who is to deal.

We may, without impropriety, ask of any one if he plays such a game, even if he plays well; and we may ask those invited to play, whom they desire as partners. The most honorable set, namely, that in which the mistress of the house plays, can never be refused, unless we are unacquainted with playing.

SECTION III.

_Little Sports and Games of Society._

Those sports, called innocent, generally please young persons of both s.e.xes, because they excite an interest, while they require an exercise of the memory and of the mind. It is necessary, however, in this, as in everything else, to manifest attention, delicacy, and propriety. We ought not to endeavor to be noticed for our too great vivacity or freedom. We should be satisfied with showing our talent at playing in our turn, and taking part in the common gaiety, without pretension or too great zeal. We should especially avoid throwing out any vindictive remarks, bestowing misplaced compliments, or imposing forfeits which would cause mortification.

A young gentleman ought never to seize a young lady by the body, catch hold of her ribband or bouquet, nor pay exclusive attention to the same person. He should be agreeable and pleasant towards all.

The selection of different games belongs to the ladies. The person who receives the company, should be careful to vary them; and when she perceives that any game loses its interest, she should propose another.

There are almost always persons in society who wish to take the lead, and give the _ton_; it is a caprice or fault which should be avoided. We may modestly propose any amus.e.m.e.nt, and ask the opinion of others in regard to it; but never pretend to dictate, nor even urge having our own proposal accepted. If it does not please generally, we should be silent, and resign ourselves with a good grace to the decisions of the majority.

In these little sports, the penalties which are imposed, too often consist in embracing the ladies of the company; but as they cannot refuse, since you follow the rule of the game, take care to do it with such propriety, that modesty may not be offended.

Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound the feelings of any one of the company.

CHAPTER III.

_Of b.a.l.l.s, Concerts, and Public Shows._

These amus.e.m.e.nts presuppose a fortune, and good _ton_; the practice of society, therefore, and consequently a forgetfulness of the precepts of politeness in respect to them, would be truly preposterous.

SECTION I.

_Of b.a.l.l.s._

I was going to say, let us begin with private b.a.l.l.s; but I recollect that this denomination is no longer fas.h.i.+onable. We do not say, _a ball at Madam such a one's_, but an evening party (_soiree_). Nevertheless, when we wish to give a dance, we give the invitations a week beforehand, that the ladies may have time to prepare articles for their toilet.

If it is to be a simple evening party, in which we may wear a summer walking dress, the mistress of the house gives verbal invitations and does not omit to apprise her friends of this circ.u.mstance, or they might appear in unsuitable dresses. If, on the contrary, the soiree is to be in reality a ball, the invitations are written, or what is better, printed, and expressed in the third person.

A room appropriated for dresses, and furnished with cloak pins to hang up the shawls and other garments of the ladies, is almost indispensable.

Domestics should be there also to aid them in taking off and putting on their outside garments.

We are not obliged to go exactly at the appointed hour; it is even fas.h.i.+onable to go an hour later. Married ladies are accompanied by their husbands, unmarried ones, by their mother or by a _chaperon_. These last ladies place themselves behind the dancers; the master of the house goes before one and another, procures seats for them, and then mingles again among the gentlemen who are standing, and who form groups or walk about the room.

The toilet of all the a.s.sembly should be made with great care. A gentleman who should appear in a riding-coat and boots, would pa.s.s for a person of bad _ton_.

When you are sure of a place in the dance, you go up to a lady, and ask her if she will _do you the honor_ to dance with you. If she answers that she is engaged, invite her for the next dance, and take care not to address yourself afterwards to any ladies next to her, for these not being able to refuse you, would feel hurt at being invited after another. Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the dancers are already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set is incomplete.

A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman to dance, unless she has already accepted that of another, for she would be guilty of an incivility which might occasion trouble; she would besides seem to show contempt for him whom she refused, and would expose herself to receive an ill compliment from him.

Married or young ladies cannot leave a ball-room or any other party alone. The former should be accompanied by one or two other married ladies, and the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent her.

We should avoid talking too much; it would occasion remarks and have a bad appearance to whisper continually in the ear of our partner.

The master of the house should see that all the ladies dance; he should take notice of those who seem to serve as _drapery_ to the walls of the ball-room, or _wall-flowers_, as the familiar expression is, and should see that they are invited to dance. He must do this wholly unperceived, in order not to wound the self-esteem of the unfortunate ladies.