Ten Thousand a-Year Volume I Part 39

CHAPTER X.

Would you have believed it? Notwithstanding all that had happened between t.i.tmouse and Tag-rag, they positively got reconciled to one another--a triumphant result of the astute policy of Mr. Gammon. As soon as he had heard t.i.tmouse's infuriated account of his ignominious expulsion from Satin Lodge, he burst into a fit of hearty but gentle laughter, which at length subsided into an inward chuckle which lasted the rest of the day; and was occasioned, first, by gratification at the impression which his own sagacity had evidently produced upon the powerful mind of t.i.tmouse; secondly, by an exquisite appreciation of the mingled meanness and stupidity of Tag-rag. I do not mean it to be understood, that t.i.tmouse had given Mr. Gammon such a terse and clear account of the matter as I imagine myself to have given to the reader; but still he told quite enough to put Mr. Gammon in full possession of the true state of the case. Good: but then--instantly reflected Gammon--what are we now to do with t.i.tmouse?--where was that troublesome little ape to be caged, till it suited the purposes of his proprietors (as Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap might surely be called, for they had caught him, however they might fail to tame him) to let him loose upon society, to amuse and astonish it by his antics?--That was the question occupying the thoughts of Mr. Gammon, while his calm, clear, gray eye was fixed upon t.i.tmouse, apparently very attentive to what he was saying. That gentleman had first told the story of his wrongs to Snap, who instantly, rubbing his hands, suggested an indictment at the Clerkenwell sessions--an idea which infinitely delighted t.i.tmouse, but was somewhat sternly "pooh-poohed!" by Mr. Gammon as soon as he heard of it,--Snap thereat shrugging his shoulders with a disconcerted air, but a bitter sneer upon his sharp, hard face. Like many men of little but active minds, early drilled to particular and petty callings, Snap was equal to the mechanical conduct of business--the mere working of the machinery--but, as the phrase is, could never see an inch beyond his nose. Every little conjuncture of circ.u.mstances which admitted of litigation, at once suggested its _expediency_, without reference to other considerations, or connection with, or subordination to, any general purpose or plan of action. A creature of small impulses, he had no idea of foregoing a momentary advantage to secure an ulterior object of importance--which, in fact, he could not keep for a moment before his thoughts, so as to have any influence on his movements. What a different man, now, was Gammon!

To speak after the manner of physiologists, several of my characters--t.i.tmouse, Tag-rag, (with his amiable wife and daughter,) Huckaback, Snap, and old Quirk himself--may be looked on as reptiles of a low order in the scale of being, whose simple structures almost one dash of the knife would suffice to lay thoroughly open. Gammon, however, I look upon as of a much higher order; possessing a far more complicated structure, adapted to the discharge of superior functions; and who, consequently, requireth a more careful dissection. But let it not be supposed that I have yet done with _any_ of my characters.

Gammon saw that Tag-rag, under proper management, might be made very useful. He was a _moneyed man_; a selfish man; and, after his sort, an ambitious man. He had an only child, a daughter, and if t.i.tmouse and he could only be by any means once more brought together, and a firm friends.h.i.+p cemented between them, Gammon saw several very profitable uses to which such an intimacy might be turned, in the happening of any of several contemplated contingencies. In the event, for instance, of larger outlays of money being required than suited the convenience of the firm--could not Tag-rag be easily brought to accommodate his future son-in-law of 10,000 a-year? Suppose that, after all, their case should break down and all their pains, exertions, and expenditure be utterly thrown away! Now, if Tag-rag could be quietly brought, some fine day, to the point of either making an actual advance, or becoming security for t.i.tmouse--ah! that would do--- that _would_ do, said both Quirk and Gammon. But then t.i.tmouse was a very unsafe instrument--an incalculable fool, and might commit himself too far!

"You forget, Gammon," said old Mr. Quirk, "I don't fear this girl of Tag-rag's--because only let t.i.tmouse see--hem," he suddenly paused, and looked a little confused.

"To be sure--I see," replied Gammon, quietly, and the thing pa.s.sed off.

"If either Miss Quirk or Miss Tag-rag becomes Mrs. t.i.tmouse," thought he, "I am not the man I take myself for."

A few days after t.i.tmouse's expulsion from Satin Lodge, without his having ever gone near Tag-rag's premises in Oxford Street, or in short, seen or heard anything about him, or any one connected with him, t.i.tmouse removed to small but very respectable lodgings in the neighborhood of Hatton Garden, provided for him by Mr. Quirk. Mrs.

Squallop was quite affected while she took leave of t.i.tmouse, who gave her son a penny to take his two boxes down-stairs to the hackney-coach drawn up opposite to the entrance of Closet Court.

"I've always felt like a mother towards you, sir, in my humble way,"

said Mrs. Squallop, in a very respectful manner, and courtesying profoundly.

"A--I've not got any--a--change by me, my good woman," said t.i.tmouse, with a fine air, as he drew on his white kid glove.

"Lord, Mr. t.i.tmouse!" said the woman, almost bursting into tears, "I wasn't asking for money, neither for me nor mine--only one can't help, as it were, feeling at parting with an old lodger, you know, sir"--

"Ah--ya--as--and all that! Well, my good woman, good-day, good-day!"

quoth t.i.tmouse, with an air of languid indifference.

"Good-by, sir--G.o.d bless you, sir, now you're going to be a rich man!--Excuse me, sir."--And she seized his hand and shook it.

"You're a--devilish--impudent--woman--'pon my soul!" exclaimed t.i.tmouse, his features filled with amazement at the presumption of which she had been guilty; and he strode down the stairs with an air of offended dignity.

"Well--I never!--_That_ for you, you little brute," exclaimed Mrs.

Squallop, snapping her fingers as soon as she had heard his last step on the stairs--"Kind or cruel, it's all one to you!--You're a nasty jackanapes, only fit to stand in a tailor's window to show his clothes--and I'll be sworn you'll come to no good in the end, please G.o.d! Let you be _rich_ as you may, you'll always be the fool you always was!"

Had the good woman been familiar with the Night Thoughts of Dr. Young, she might have expressed herself somewhat tersely in a line of his--

"Pygmies are pygmies still, though perched on Alps."

And, by the way, who can read the next line--

"And pyramids are pyramids in vales,"

without thinking for a moment, with a kind of proud sympathy, of certain _other_ characters in this history? Well! but let us pa.s.s on.

The day after that on which Mr. Gammon had had a long interview with t.i.tmouse, at the new lodgings of the latter,--when, after a very skilful effort, he had succeeded in reconciling t.i.tmouse to a renewal of his acquaintance with Tag-rag, upon that gentleman's making a complete and abject apology for his late monstrous conduct,--Mr. Gammon wended his way towards Oxford Street, and soon introduced himself once more to Mr.

Tag-rag, who was standing leaning against one of the counters in his shop in a musing position, with a pen behind his ear, and his hands in his breeches' pockets. Ten days had elapsed since he had expelled the little impostor t.i.tmouse from Satin Lodge, and during that interval he had neither seen nor heard anything whatever of him. On now catching the first glimpse of Mr. Gammon, he started from his musing posture, not a little disconcerted, and agitation overspread his coa.r.s.e deeply-pitted face with a tallowy hue. What was in the wind? Mr. Gammon coming to him, so long after what had occurred! Mr. Gammon who, having found out his error, had discarded t.i.tmouse! Tag-rag had a mortal dread of Gammon, who seemed to him to glide like a dangerous snake into the shop, so quietly, and _so deadly_! There was something so calm and imperturbable in his demeanor, so blandly crafty, so ominously gentle and soft in the tone of his voice, so penetrating in his eye, and he could throw such an infernal smile over his features! Tag-rag might be likened to the animal, suddenly shuddering as he perceives the glistening folds of the rattlesnake noiselessly moving towards, or around him, in the long gra.s.s. One glimpse of his blasting beauty of hue, and--Horror! all is over.

If the splendid bubble of t.i.tmouse's fortune _had_ burst in the manner which he had represented, why Gammon here now? thought Tag-rag. It was with, in truth, a very poor show of contempt and defiance, that, in answer to the bland salutation of Gammon, Tag-rag led the way down the shop into the little room which had been the scene of such an extraordinary communication concerning t.i.tmouse on a former occasion.

Gammon commenced, in a mild tone, with a very startling representation of the criminal liability which Tag-rag had incurred by his wanton outrage upon Mr. t.i.tmouse; his own guest, in violation of all the laws of hospitality. Tag-rag furiously alleged the imposition which had been practised on him by t.i.tmouse; but seemed quite collapsed when Gammon a.s.sured him that that circ.u.mstance would not afford him the slightest justification. Having satisfied Tag-rag that he was entirely at the mercy of t.i.tmouse, who might subject him to both fine and imprisonment, Mr. Gammon proceeded to open his eyes to their widest stare of amazement, by a.s.suring him that t.i.tmouse had been hoaxing him, and that he was really in the dazzling position in which he had been first represented by Gammon to Tag-rag; that every week brought him nearer to the full and uncontrolled enjoyment of an estate in Yorks.h.i.+re, worth 10,000 a-year at the very lowest; that it was becoming an object of increasing anxiety to them (Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap) to keep him out of the hands of money-lenders, who, as usual in such cases, had already scented out their victim, and so forth. Tag-rag turned very white, and felt sick at heart in the midst of all his wonder. Oh, and his daughter had lost the golden prize! and through _his_ misconduct! He could have sunk into the cellar!--Mr. Gammon declared that he could not account for the singular conduct of Mr. t.i.tmouse on the melancholy occasion in question, except by referring it to the excellent wines which he had too freely partaken of at Satin Lodge, added (said Gammon, with an exquisite expression of features which perfectly fascinated Tag-rag) to a "certain tenderer influence" which had fairly laid prostrate the faculties of the young and enthusiastic t.i.tmouse; that there could be no doubt of his real motive in the conduct alluded to, namely, a desire to test the sincerity and disinterestedness of a "certain person's" attachment before he let all his fond and pa.s.sionate feelings go out towards her--[At this point the perspiration burst from every pore in the devoted body of Tag-rag]--and that no one could deplore the unexpected issue of his little experiment so much as now did t.i.tmouse.

Tag-rag really, for a moment, scarcely knew where he was, who was with him, nor whether he stood on his head or his heels, so delightful and entirely unexpected was the issue of Mr. Gammon's visit. As soon as his faculties had somewhat recovered themselves from their temporary confusion, almost breathless, he a.s.sured Gammon that no event in the whole course of his life had occasioned him such poignant regret as his treatment of t.i.tmouse on the occasion in question; that he had undoubtedly followed unwittingly (he was ashamed to own) the example of t.i.tmouse, and drank far more than his usual quant.i.ty of wine; besides which he had undoubtedly noticed, as had Mrs. T., the state of things between Mr. t.i.tmouse and his daughter--talking of whom, by the way, he could a.s.sure Mr. Gammon that both Mrs. and Miss T. had been ill ever since that unfortunate evening, and had never ceased to condemn his--Tag-rag's--monstrous conduct on that occasion. As for Miss T., she was growing thinner and thinner every day, and he thought he must send her to the country for a short time: in fact--poor girl!--she was plainly pining away!

To all this Mr. Gammon listened with a calm, delightful, sympathizing look, which quite transported Tag-rag, and satisfied him that Mr. Gammon implicitly believed every word that was being said to him. But when he proceeded to a.s.sure Tag-rag that this visit of his had been undertaken at the earnest instance of Mr. t.i.tmouse himself, (who, by the way, had removed to lodgings which would do for the present, so as they were only near to their office, for the purpose of frequent communication on matters of business between him and their firm,) who had urged Mr.

Gammon to tender the olive branch, in the devout hope that it might be accepted--Tag-rag's excitement knew scarce any bounds; and he could almost have started into the shop, and given orders to his shopmen to shut up shop half an hour earlier for the rest of the week! Mr. Gammon wrote down t.i.tmouse's direction, and handing it to Mr. Tag-rag, a.s.sured him that a call from him would be gratefully received by Mr. t.i.tmouse.

"There's no accounting for these things, Mr. Tag-rag--is there?" said Mr. Gammon, with an arch smile, as he prepared to depart--Tag-rag squeezing his hands with painful energy as Gammon bade him adieu, declaring that "he should not be himself for the rest of the day" and bowing the aforesaid Mr. Gammon down the shop with as profound an obsequiousness as if he had been the Lord High Chancellor, or even the Lord Mayor. As soon as Gammon had got fairly into the street, and to a safe distance, he burst into little gentle paroxysms of laughter, every now and then, which lasted him till he had regained his office in Saffron Hill.

The motive so boldly and skilfully suggested by Gammon to Tag-rag, as that impelling t.i.tmouse to seek a reconciliation with him, was greedily credited by Tag-rag. 'Tis certainly very easy for a man to believe what he wishes to be true. Was it _very_ improbable that Tag-rag, loving only one object on earth, (next to money, which indeed he really did love with the best and holiest energies of his nature,) namely, his daughter; and believing her to be possessed of qualities calculated to excite every one's love--should believe that she had inspired t.i.tmouse with the pa.s.sion of which he had just been hearing--a pa.s.sion which was consuming him--which could not be quenched by even the gross outrage which---- but faugh! _that_ Tag-rag shuddered to think of. He clapped his hat on his head, and started off to t.i.tmouse's lodgings, and fortunately caught that gentleman just as he was going out to dine at a neighboring tavern.

If Tag-rag had been a keen observer, he could hardly have failed to discover aversion towards himself written in every feature and gesture of t.i.tmouse; and also the difficulty which he experienced in concealing his feelings. But his eagerness overbore everything; and took t.i.tmouse quite by storm. Before Tag-rag had done with him, he had obliterated every trace of resentment in his little friend's bosom. Thoroughly as Gammon thought he had armed t.i.tmouse against the encounter--indeed, at all points--'twas of no avail. Tag-rag poured such a monstrous quant.i.ty of flummery down the gaping mouth and insatiate throat of the little animal, as at length produced its desired effect. Few can resist flattery, however coa.r.s.ely administered; but as for t.i.tmouse, he felt the delicious fluid softly insinuating itself into every crevice of his little nature, for which it seemed, indeed, to have a peculiar affinity; 'twas a balm, 'twas an opiate soothing his wounded pride, lubricating all his inner man; nay, flooding it, so as at length to extinguish entirely the very small glimmering spark of discernment which nature had lit in him. "To be fore_warned_, is to be fore_armed_," says the proverb; but it was not verified in the present instance. t.i.tmouse would have dined at Satin Lodge on the very next Sunday, in accordance with the pressing invitations of Tag-rag, but that he happened to recollect having engaged himself to dine on that evening with Mr. Quirk, at his residence in Camberwell--ALIBI HOUSE. As I have already intimated in a previous part of this history, that most respectable old gentleman, Mr.

Quirk, with the shrewdness natural to him, and which had been quickened by his great experience, had soon seen through the ill-contrived and worse-concealed designs upon t.i.tmouse of Mr. Tag-rag; and justly considered that the surest method of rendering them abortive would be to familiarize t.i.tmouse with a superior style of things, such as was to be found at Alibi House--and a more lovely and attractive object for his best affections in Miss Quirk--Dora Quirk--the l.u.s.tre of whose charms and accomplishments there could be no doubt, he thought, would instantly efface the image of that poor, feeble, vulgar creature, Miss Tag-rag; for such old Quirk knew her to be, though he had, in fact, never for a moment set eyes upon her. Mr. Tag-rag looked rather blank at hearing of the grand party there was to be at Alibi House, and that t.i.tmouse was to be introduced to the only daughter of Mr. Quirk, and could not for the life of him abstain from dropping something, vague and indistinct to be sure, about "entrapping unsuspecting innocence," and "interested attentions," and other similar expressions--all of which, however, were lost upon t.i.tmouse. Tapping with an auctioneer's hammer on a block of granite, would make about as much impression upon it as will hint, innuendo, or suggestion, upon a blockhead. So it was with t.i.tmouse. He promised to dine at Satin Lodge on the Sunday after the ensuing one--with which poor Mr. Tag-rag was obliged to depart content; having been unable to get t.i.tmouse up to Clapham on either of the intervening evenings, on which, he told Mr. Tag-rag, he was particularly engaged with an intimate friend--"in fact, one of HIS SOLICITORS;" and Tag-rag left him after shaking him by the hand with the utmost cordiality and energy. He instantly conceived a lively hatred of old Mr. Quirk and his daughter, who seemed taking so unfair an advantage. What, however, could be done? Many times during his interview did he anxiously turn about in his mind the expediency of proffering to lend or give t.i.tmouse a five-pound note, of which he had one or two in his pocket-book; but no--'twas too much for human nature--he _could_ not bring himself to it; and quitted t.i.tmouse as rich a man as he had entered that gentleman's lodgings.

The "intimate friend" to whom t.i.tmouse alluded as having engaged himself to dinner with him, was, in fact, Mr. Snap; who had early evinced a great partiality for him, and lost no opportunity of contributing to his enjoyment. Snap was a sharp-sighted person, and quickly detected many qualities in t.i.tmouse, kindred to his own. He sincerely commiserated t.i.tmouse's situation, than which, could anything be more lonely and desolate? Was he to sit night after night in the lengthening nights of autumn and winter, with not a soul to speak to, not a book to read, (that was at least interesting or worth reading;) nothing, in short, to occupy his attention? "No," said Snap to himself; "I will do as I would be done by; I will come and draw him out of his dull hole; I will show him life--I will give him an early insight into the habits and practices of the great world, in which he is so soon to cut a leading figure! I will early familiarize him with the gayest and most exciting modes of London life!" The very first taste of this cup of pleasure was exquisitely relished by t.i.tmouse; and he felt a proportionate grat.i.tude to him whose kind hand had first raised it to his lips. Scenes of which he had heretofore only heard and read--after which he had often sighed and yearned, were now opening daily before him, limited as were his means; and he felt perfectly happy. When Snap had finished the day's labors of the office, from which he was generally released about eight or nine o'clock in the evening, he would repair to his lodgings, and decorate himself for the night's display; after which, either he would go to t.i.tmouse, or t.i.tmouse come to him, as might have been previously agreed upon between them; and then,--

"The _town_ was all before them, where to choose!"

Sometimes they would, arm in arm, each with his cigar in his mouth, saunter, for hours together, along the leading streets and thoroughfares, making acute observations and deep reflections upon the ever-moving and motley scenes around them. Most frequently, however, they would repair, at half-price, to the theatres; for Snap had the means of securing almost a constant supply of "orders" from the underlings of the theatres, and also from reporters to the _Sunday Flash_, (with which Messrs. Quirk and Gammon were connected,) and other newspapers. Ah, 'twas a glorious sight to see these two gentlemen saunter into a vacant box, conscious that the eyes of two-thirds of the house were fixed upon them in admiration, and conducting themselves accordingly--as swells of the first water! One such night counterbalanced, in t.i.tmouse's estimation, a whole year of his previous obscurity and wretchedness! The theatre over, they would repair to some cloudy tavern, full of noise and smoke, and the glare of gaslight--redolent of the fragrant fumes of tobacco, gin, and porter, intermingled with the tempting odors of smoking kidneys, mutton-chops, beefsteaks, oysters, stewed cheese, toasted cheese, Welsh rabbits; where those who are chained to the desk and the counter during the day, revel in the license of the hour, and eat, and drink, and smoke to the highest point either of excitement or stupefaction, and enter into all the slang of the day--of the turf, the ring, the c.o.c.kpit, the theatres--and shake their sides at comic songs. To enter one of these places when the theatre was over, was a luxury indeed to t.i.tmouse; figged out in his very uttermost best, with satin stock and double breastpins; his glossy hat c.o.c.ked on one side of his head, his tight blue surtout, with the snowy handkerchief elegantly drooping out of the breast-pocket; straw-colored kid gloves, tight trousers, and s.h.i.+ning boots; his ebony silver-headed cane held carelessly under his arm! To walk into the middle of the room with a sort of haughty ease and indifference, or nonchalance; and after deliberately scanning, through his eye-gla.s.s, every box, with its occupants, at length drop into a vacant nook, and with a languid air summon the bustling waiter to receive his commands, was ecstasy! The circ.u.mstance of his almost always accompanying Snap on these occasions, who was held in great awe by the waiters, to whom his professional celebrity was well known, (for there was scarce an interesting, a dreadful, or a nasty scene at any of the police-offices, in which Snap's name did not figure in the newspapers as "appearing on behalf of the prisoner,") got t.i.tmouse almost an equal share of consideration, and aided the effect produced by his own commanding appearance. As for Snap, whenever he was asked who his companion was, he would whisper in a very significant tone and manner--"Devilish high chap!" From these places they would repair, not unfrequently, to certain other scenes of nightly London life, which, I thank G.o.d! the virtuous reader can form no notion of, though they are, strange to say, winked at, if not patronized by the police and magistracy, till the metropolis is choked with them. Thus would Snap and t.i.tmouse pleasantly pa.s.s away their time till one, two, three, and often four o'clock in the morning; at which hours they would, with many yawns, skulk homewards through the deserted and silent streets, their clothes redolent of tobacco smoke, their stomachs overcharged, their heads often muddled, swimming, and throbbing with their multifarious potations--having thus spent a "_jolly night_," and "_seen life_." 'T was thus that Snap greatly endeared himself to t.i.tmouse, and secretly (for he enjoined upon t.i.tmouse, as the condition of their continuance, strict secrecy on the subject of these nocturnal adventures) stole a march upon his older compet.i.tors for the good opinion of t.i.tmouse--Messrs. Quirk, Tag-rag, and even the astute and experienced Gammon himself. Such doings as these required, however, as may easily be believed, some slight augmentations of the allowance made to t.i.tmouse by Messrs. Quirk and Gammon; and it was fortunate that Snap was in a condition, having a few hundreds at his command, to supply the necessities of t.i.tmouse, receiving with a careless air, on the occasion of such advances, small slips of paper by way of acknowledgments; some on stamped paper, others on unstamped paper,--promissory notes, and I. O. U's. Inasmuch, however, as Snap was not always possessed of a stamp on the occasion of a sudden advance, and having asked the opinion of his pleader (a sharp fellow who had been articled at the same time as himself to Messrs. Quirk and Gammon) as to whether an instrument in this form, "I. O. U. so much--_with interest_,"

would be available without a stamp, and being informed that it was a very doubtful point, Snap ingeniously met the difficulty by quietly adding to the princ.i.p.al what might become due in respect of interest: _e. g._ if 5 were lent, the acknowledgment would stand for 15--these little slips of paper being generally signed by t.i.tmouse in moments of extreme exhilaration, when he never thought of scrutinizing anything that his friend Snap would lay before him. For the honor of Snap, I must say that I hardly think he deliberately purposed to perpetuate the fraud which such a transaction appears to amount to; all he wanted was--so he satisfied himself at least--to have it in his power to recover the full amount of princ.i.p.al _really_ advanced, with interest, on one or other of these various securities, and hold the surplus as trustee for t.i.tmouse. If, for instance, any unfortunate difference should hereafter arise between himself and t.i.tmouse, and he should refuse to recognize his pecuniary obligations to Snap, the latter gentleman would be provided with short and easy proofs of his demands against him. 'T was thus, I say, that Snap rendered himself indispensable to t.i.tmouse, whom he bound to him by every tie of grat.i.tude; so that, in short, they became sworn friends.

I will always say for Gammon, that, whatever might have been his motive, he strenuously endeavored to urge upon t.i.tmouse the necessity of acquiring, at all events, a smattering of the elements of useful education. Beyond an acquaintance with the petty operations of arithmetic requisite for counter-transactions, I will venture to say that poor t.i.tmouse had no serviceable knowledge of any kind. Mr. Gammon repeatedly pressed him to put himself under competent teachers of the ordinary branches of education; but t.i.tmouse as often evaded him, and at length flatly refused to do anything of the kind. He promised, however, to read such books as Mr. Gammon might recommend; who thereupon sent him several: but a book before t.i.tmouse was much the same as a plate of sawdust before a hungry man. Mr. Gammon, himself a man of considerable acquirements, soon saw the true state of the case, and gave up his attempts in despair and disgust. Not that he ever suffered t.i.tmouse to perceive the faintest indication of such feelings towards him; on the contrary, Gammon ever exhibited the same bland and benignant demeanor, consulting his wishes in everything, and striving to instil into him feelings of love, tempered by respect, as towards the most powerful--the only real, disinterested friend he had! To a very great extent he succeeded.

t.i.tmouse spent several hours in preparing for an effective first appearance at the dinner-table at Alibi House. Since dining at Satin Lodge, he had considerably increased his wardrobe both in quant.i.ty and style. He now sported a pair of tight black trousers, with pumps and gossamer silk stockings. He wore a crimson velvet waistcoat, with a bright blue satin under-waistcoat, a s.h.i.+rt-frill standing out somewhat fiercely at right angles with his breast, and a brown dress-coat cut in the extreme of the fas.h.i.+on, the long tails coming to a point just about the backs of his knees. His hair (its purple hue still pretty distinctly perceptible) was disposed with great elegance. He had discarded mustaches; but had a very promising imperial. The hair underneath his chin came out curling on each side of it, above his stock, like two little tufts or horns. Over his waistcoat he wore his mosaic gold watch-guard, and a broad black watered ribbon, to which was attached his eye-gla.s.s--in fact, if he had dressed himself in order to sit to a miniature painter for his likeness, he could not have taken greater pains, or secured a more successful result. The only points about his appearance with which he was at all dissatisfied, were his hair--which was not yet the thing which he hoped in due time to see it--his thick red stumpy hands, and his round shoulders. The last matter gave him considerable concern, for he felt that it seriously interfered with a graceful carriage; and that the defect in his figure had been, after all, not in the least remedied by the prodigious padding of his coat.

His protuberant eyes, of very light hue, had an expression entirely harmonizing with that of his open mouth; and both together, quite independently of his dress, carriage, and demeanor--(there is nothing like being candid)--gave you the image of a--complete fool. Having at length carefully adjusted his hat on his head, and drawn on his white kid gloves, he enveloped himself in a stylish cloak, with long black silk ta.s.sels, which had been lent to him by Snap; and about four o'clock, forth sallied Mr. t.i.tmouse, carefully picking his way, in quest of the first coach that could convey him to Alibi House, or as near to it as might be. He soon found one, and, conscious that his appearance was far too splendid for an outside place, got inside. All the way along, his heart was in a little flutter of vanity, excitement, and expectation. He was going to be introduced to Miss Quirk--and probably, also, to several people of great consequence--as the heir apparent to 10,000 a-year! Two very respectable female pa.s.sengers, his companions, he never once deigned to interchange, a syllable with. Four or five times did he put his head out of the window, calling out in a loud peremptory tone--"Mind, coachman--Alibi House--Mr. Quirk's--Alibi House--Do you hear, demme?" After which he would sink back into the seat with a magnificent air, as if he had not been used to give himself so much trouble. The coach at length stopped. "Hallibi Ouse, sir," said the coachman, in a most respectful tone--"this is Mr. Quirk's, sir."

t.i.tmouse stepped out, dropped eighteenpence into the man's hand, and opening the gate, found himself in a straight and narrow gravel walk, of about twenty yards in length, with little obstinate-looking stunted shrubs on each side. 'T was generally known, among Mr. Quirk's friends, by the name of "the _Rope-walk_." t.i.tmouse might have entered before as fine-looking a house, but only to deliver a bundle of drapery or hosiery: never before had he entered such an one in the reality of guest. It was, in fact, a fair-sized house, at least treble that of Satin Lodge, and had a far more stylish appearance. When t.i.tmouse pulled the bell, the door was quickly plucked open by a big footman, with showy shoulder-knot and a pair of splendid red plush breeches, who soon disposed of t.i.tmouse's cloak and hat, and led the way to the drawing-room, before our friend, with a sudden palpitation of the heart, had had a moment's time even to run his hands through his hair.

"Your name, sir?" inquired the man, suddenly pausing--with his hand upon the handle of the door.

"Mr. t.i.tmouse!"

"I--_beg_ your pardon, sir; _what_ name?"

t.i.tmouse clearing his throat repeated his name--open went the door, and--"Mr. Ticklemouse," said the servant, very loudly and distinctly--ushering in t.i.tmouse; on whom the door was the next instant closed. He felt amazingly fl.u.s.tered--and he would have been still more so, if he could have been made aware of the t.i.tter which pervaded the fourteen or twenty people a.s.sembled in the room, occasioned by the droll misnomer of the servant, and the exquisitely ridiculous appearance of poor t.i.tmouse. Mr. Quirk, dressed in black, with knee breeches and silk stockings, immediately bustled up to him, shook him cordially by the hand, and led him up to the a.s.sembled guests. "My daughter--Miss Quirk; Mrs. Alderman Addlehead; Mrs. Deputy Diddle-daddle; Mrs. Alias, my sister;--Mr. Alderman Addlehead; Mr. Deputy Diddle-daddle; Mr. Bl.u.s.ter; Mr. Slang; Mr. Hug; Mr. Flaw; Mr. Viper; Mr. Ghastly; Mr. Gammon you know." Miss Quirk was about four or five and twenty--a fat young lady, with flaxen hair curled formally all over her head and down to her shoulders; so that she very much resembled one of those great wax dolls seen in bazaars and shop windows. Her complexion was beautifully fair; her eyes were small; her face was quite round and fat. From the die-away manner in which she moved her head, and the languid tone of her voice, it was obvious that she was a very sentimental young lady. She was dressed in white, and wore a ma.s.sive gold chain--her fat arms being half covered with long kid gloves. She was sitting on the sofa, from which she did not rise when t.i.tmouse was introduced to her--and the moment afterwards, hid her face behind the alb.u.m which had been lying on her knee, and which she had been showing to the ladies on each side of her; for, in fact, neither she nor any one else could, without the greatest difficulty, refrain from laughing at the monkeyfied appearance of t.i.tmouse. The alderman was a stout, stupid little man--a fussy old prig--with small angry-looking black eyes, and a short red nose; as for his head, it seemed as though he had just smeared some sticky fluid over it, and then dipped it into a flour-tub, so thickly laden was it with powder. Mr. Deputy Diddle-daddle was tall and thin, and serious and slow of speech, with the solemn composure of an undertaker. Mr. Bl.u.s.ter was a great Old Bailey barrister, about fifty years old, the leader constantly employed by Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap; and was making at least a thousand a-year. He had an amazingly truculent-looking countenance, coa.r.s.e to a degree, and his voice matched it; but on occasions like the present--_i. e._ in elegant society--he would fain drop the successful terrors of his manner, and appear the mild, dignified gentleman. He therefore spoke in a very soft, cringing way, with an anxious smile; but his bold insolent eye and coa.r.s.e mouth--what could disguise or mitigate their expression? Here he was, playing the great man; making himself, however, most particularly agreeable to Messrs. Quirk and Gammon. Slang was of the same school; fat, vulgar, confident, and empty; telling obscene jokes and stories, in a deep ba.s.s voice. He sang a good song, too--particularly of that cla.s.s which required the absence of ladies--and of _gentlemen_. Hug (Mr. Toady Hug) was also a barrister; a glib little Jewish-looking fellow, creeping into considerable criminal practice. He was a sneaking backbiter, and had a blood-hound scent after an attorney. See him, for instance, at this moment, in close and eager conversation with Mr. Flaw, who, rely upon it, will give him a brief before the week is over. Viper was the editor of the _Sunday Flash_; a cold, venomous little creature. He was a philosopher--and of opinion that everything was wrong--moral, physical, intellectual, and social; that there was really no such thing, or at least ought not to be, as religion; and, as to political rights, that everybody was equal, and if any were uppermost, all ought to be! He had failed in business twice, and disreputably; then had become an Unitarian parson; but, having seduced a young female member of his congregation, he was expelled from his pulpit. An action being brought against him by the mother of his victim, and heavy damages obtained, he attempted to take the benefit of the Insolvent Debtors' Act--but, on account of Miss----, was remanded for eighteen months. That period he employed in writing a shockingly blasphemous work, for which he was prosecuted, and sentenced to a heavy fine and imprisonment. On being released from prison, saturated with gall and bitterness against all mankind, he took to political writing of a very violent character, and was at length picked up, half starved, by his present patron, Mr. Quirk, and made editor of the _Sunday Flash_. Is not all this history written in his sallow, sinister-eyed, bitter-expressioned countenance? Woe to him who gets into a discussion with Viper! There were one or two others present, particularly a Mr.

Ghastly, a third-rate tragic actor, with a tremendous mouth, only one eye, and a very hungry look. He never spoke, because no one spoke to him, for his clothes seemed rather rusty black. The only man of gentlemanlike appearance in the room was Mr. Gammon; and he took an early opportunity of engaging poor t.i.tmouse in conversation, and setting him comparatively at his ease--a thing which was attempted by old Quirky, but in such a fidgety-fussy way as served only to fl.u.s.ter t.i.tmouse the more. Mr. Quirk gave a dinner-party of this sort regularly every Sunday; and they formed the happiest moments of his life--occasions on which he _felt_ that he had achieved success in life--on which he banished from his thoughts the responsible and dignified anxieties of his profession; and, surrounded by a select circle of choice spirits, such as were thus collected together, partook joyously of the

"Feast of reason, and the flow of soul."

"This is a very beautiful picture, Mr. t.i.tmouse, isn't it?" said Gammon, leading him to the farther corner of the drawing-room, where hung a small picture, with a sort of curtain of black gauze before it. Gammon lifted it up; and t.i.tmouse beheld a picture of a man suspended from the gallows, his hands tied with cords before him, his head forced aside, and covered down to the chin with a white nightcap. 'Twas done with sickening fidelity; and t.i.tmouse gazed at it with a shudder. "Charming thing, isn't it?" said Gammon, with a very expressive smile.

"Y--e--e--s," replied t.i.tmouse, his eyes glued to the horrid object.

"Very striking thing, that--a'n't it?" quoth Quirk, bustling up to them; "'twas painted for me by a first-rate artist, whose brother I _very nearly_ saved from the gallows! _Like_ such things?" he inquired with a matter-of-fact air, drawing down the black gauze.

"Yes, sir, uncommon--most uncommon!" quoth t.i.tmouse, shuddering.

"Well, I'll show you something most particular interesting! Heard of Gilderoy, that was hanged for forgery? Gad, my daughter's got a brooch with a lock of his hair in it, which he gave me himself--a client of mine; within an ace of getting him off--flaw in the indictment--found it out myself--did, by gad! Come along, and I'll get Dora to show it to you!" and, putting t.i.tmouse's arm in his, and desirous of withdrawing him from Gammon, he led him up to the interesting young lady.

"Dora," said Mr. Quirk--"just show my friend t.i.tmouse that brooch of yours, with Gilderoy's hair."

"Oh, my dear papa, 't is such a melancholy thing!" said she, at the same time detaching it from her dress, and handing it to her papa, who, holding it in his hands, gave t.i.tmouse, and one or two others who stood beside, a very interesting account of the last hours of the deceased Gilderoy.

"He was _very_ handsome, papa, wasn't he?" inquired Miss Quirk, with a sigh, and a very pensive air.