Traffics and Discoveries Part 5

Mr. Pyecroft leaned forward and dealt the Marine a large pattern Navy kick. "'Ere, Gla.s.s! You was sentry when 'Op went to the old man--the first time, with Antonio's was.h.i.+n'-book. Tell us what transpired. You're sober.

You don't know how sober you are!"

The Marine cautiously raised his head a few inches. As Mr. Pyecroft said, he was sober--after some R.M.L.I. fas.h.i.+on of his own devising. "'Op bounds in like a startled anteloper, carryin' 'is signal-slate at the ready. The old man was settin' down to 'is bountiful platter--not like you an' me, without anythin' more in sight for an 'ole night an' 'arf a day. Talkin'

about food--"

"No! No! No!" cried Pyecroft, kicking again. "What about 'Op?" I thought the Marine's ribs would have snapped, but he merely hiccuped.

"Oh, 'im! 'E 'ad it written all down on 'is little slate--I think--an' 'e shoves it under the old man's nose. 'Shut the door,' says 'Op. 'For 'Eavin's sake shut the cabin door!' Then the old man must ha' said somethin' 'bout irons. 'I'll put 'em on, Sir, in your very presence,' says 'Op, 'only 'ear my prayer,' or--words to that 'fect.... It was jus' the same with me when I called our Sergeant a bladder-bellied, lard-'eaded, perspirin' pension-cheater. They on'y put on the charge-sheet 'words to that effect,' Spoiled the 'ole 'fect."

"'Op! 'Op! 'Op! What about 'Op?" thundered Pyecroft.

"'Op? Oh, shame thing. Words t' that 'fect. Door shut. Nus.h.i.+n' more transphired till 'Op comes out--nose exshtreme angle plungin' fire or--or words 'that effect. Proud's parrot. 'Oh, you prou' old parrot,' I says."

Mr. Gla.s.s seemed to slumber again.

"Lord! How a little moisture disintegrates, don't it? When we had s.h.i.+p's theatricals off Vigo, Gla.s.s 'ere played d.i.c.k Deadeye to the moral, though of course the lower deck wasn't pleased to see a leatherneck interpretin'

a strictly maritime part, as you might say. It's only his repartees, which 'e can't contain, that conquers him. Shall I resume my narrative?"

Another drink was brought on this hint, and Mr. Pyecroft resumed.

"The essence o' strategy bein' forethought, the essence o' tattics is surprise. Per'aps you didn't know that? My forethought 'avin' secured the initial advantage in attack, it remained for the old man to ladle out the surprise-packets. 'Eavens! What surprises! That night he dines with the wardroom, bein' of the kind--I've told you as we were a 'appy s.h.i.+p?--that likes it, and the wardroom liked it too. This ain't common in the service.

They had up the new Madeira--awful undisciplined stuff which gives you a cordite mouth next morning. They told the mess-men to navigate towards the extreme an' remote 'orizon, an' they abrogated the sentry about fifteen paces out of earshot. Then they had in the Gunner, the Bo'sun, an' the Carpenter, an' stood them large round drinks. It all come out later-- wardroom joints bein' lower-deck hash, as the sayin' is--that our Number One stuck to it that 'e couldn't trust the s.h.i.+p for the job. The old man swore 'e could, 'avin' commanded 'er over two years. He was right. There wasn't a s.h.i.+p, I don't care in what fleet, could come near the _Archimandrites_ when we give our mind to a thing. We held the cruiser big-gun records, the sailing-cutter (fancy-rig) champions.h.i.+p, an' the challenge-cup row round the fleet. We 'ad the best n.i.g.g.e.r-minstrels, the best football an' cricket teams, an' the best squee-jee band of anything that ever pushed in front of a brace o' screws. An' _yet_ our Number One mistrusted us! 'E said we'd be a floatin' h.e.l.l in a week, an' it 'ud take the rest o' the commission to stop our way. They was arguin' it in the wardroom when the bridge reports a light three points off the port bow. We overtakes her, switches on our search-light, an' she discloses herself as a collier o' no mean reputation, makin' about seven knots on 'er lawful occasions--to the Cape most like.

"Then the owner--so we 'eard in good time--broke the boom, springin' all mines together at close interval.

"'Look 'ere, my jokers,' 'e says (I'm givin' the grist of 'is arguments, remember), 'Number One says we can't enlighten this cutter-cuddlin Gaulish lootenant on the manners an' customs o' the Navy without makin' the s.h.i.+p a market-garden. There's a lot in that,' 'e says, 'specially if we kept it up lavish, till we reached Ascension. But,' 'e says, 'the appearance o'

this strange sail has put a totally new aspect on the game. We can run to just one day's amus.e.m.e.nt for our friend, or else what's the good o'

discipline? An' then we can turn 'im over to our presumably short-'anded fellow-subject in the small-coal line out yonder. He'll be pleased,' says the old man, 'an' so will Antonio. M'rover,' he says to Number One, 'I'll lay you a dozen o' liquorice an' ink'--it must ha' been that new tawny port--'that I've got a s.h.i.+p I can trust--for one day,' 'e says.

'Wherefore,' he says, 'will you have the extreme goodness to reduce speed as requisite for keepin' a proper distance behind this providential tramp till further orders?' Now, that's what I call tattics.

"The other manoeuvres developed next day, strictly in accordance with the plans as laid down in the wardroom, where they sat long an' steady. 'Op whispers to me that Antonio was a Number One spy when 'e was in commission, and a French lootenant when 'e was paid off, so I navigated at three 'undred and ninety six revolutions to the galley, never 'avin'

kicked a lootenant up to date. I may as well say that I did not manoeuvre against 'im as a Frenchman, because I like Frenchmen, but stric'ly on 'is rank an' ratin' in 'is own navy. I inquired after 'is health from Retallick.

"'Don't ask me,' 'e says, sneerin' be'ind his silver spectacles. ''E's promoted to be captain's second supernumerary servant, to be dressed and addressed as such. If 'e does 'is dooties same as he skinned the spuds, _I_ ain't for changin' with the old man.'

"In the balmy dawnin' it was given out, all among the 'olystones, by our sub-lootenant, who was a three-way-discharge devil, that all orders after eight bells was to be executed in inverse ration to the cube o' the velocity. 'The reg'lar routine,' he says, 'was arrogated for reasons o'

state an' policy, an' any flat-foot who presumed to exhibit surprise, annoyance, or amus.e.m.e.nt, would be slightly but firmly reproached.' Then the Gunner mops up a heathenish large detail for some hanky-panky in the magazines, an' led 'em off along with our Gunnery Jack, which is to say, our Gunnery Lootenant.

"That put us on the _viva voce_--particularly when we understood how the owner was navigatin' abroad in his sword-belt trustin' us like brothers.

We s.h.i.+fts into the dress o' the day, an' we musters _an'_ we prays _ong reggle_, an' we carries on antic.i.p.atory to bafflin' Antonio.

"Then our Sergeant of Marines come to me wringin' his 'ands an' weepin'.

'E'd been talkin' to the sub-lootenant, an' it looked like as if his upper-works were collapsin'.

"'I want a guarantee,' 'e says, wringin' 'is 'ands like this. '_I_ 'aven't 'ad sunstroke slave-dhowin' in Tajurrah Bay, an' been compelled to live on quinine an' chlorodyne ever since. _I_ don't get the horrors off gla.s.ses o' brown sherry.'

"'What 'ave you got now?' I says.

"'_I_ ain't an officer,' 'e says. '_My_ sword won't be handed back to me at the end o' the court-martial on account o' my little weaknesses, an' no stain on my character. I'm only a pore beggar of a Red Marine with eighteen years' service, an' why for,' says he, wringin' 'is hands like this all the time, 'must I chuck away my pension, sub-lootenant or no sub-lootenant? Look at 'em,' he says, 'only look at 'em. Marines fallin'

in for small-arm drill!'

"The leathernecks was layin' aft at the double, an' a more insanitary set of accidents I never wish to behold. Most of 'em was in their s.h.i.+rts. They had their trousers on, of course--rolled up nearly to the knee, but what I mean is belts over s.h.i.+rts. Three or four 'ad _our_ caps, an' them that had drawn helmets wore their chin-straps like Portugee earrings. Oh, yes; an'

three of 'em 'ad only one boot! I knew what our bafflin' tattics was goin'

to be, but even I was mildly surprised when this gay fantasia of Brazee drummers halted under the p.o.o.p, because of an 'ammick in charge of our Navigator, an' a small but 'ighly efficient landin'-party.

"''Ard astern both screws!' says the Navigator. 'Room for the captain's 'ammick!' The captain's servant--c.o.c.kburn 'is name was--had one end, an'

our newly promoted Antonio, in a blue slop rig, 'ad the other. They slung it from the muzzle of the port p.o.o.p quick-firer thort-s.h.i.+ps to a stanchion. Then the old man flickered up, smokin' a cigarette, an' brought 'is stern to an anchor slow an' oriental.

"'What a blessin' it is, Mr. Ducane,' 'e says to our sub-lootenant, 'to be out o' sight o' the 'ole pack o' blighted admirals! What's an admiral after all?' 'e says. 'Why, 'e's only a post-captain with the pip, Mr.

Ducane. The drill will now proceed. What O! Antonio, _descendez_ an' get me a split.'

"When Antonio came back with the whisky-an'-soda, he was told off to swing the 'ammick in slow time, an' that ma.s.sacritin' small-arm party went on with their oratorio. The Sergeant had been kindly excused from partic.i.p.ating an' he was jumpin' round on the p.o.o.p-ladder, stretchin' 'is leather neck to see the disgustin' exhibition an' cluckin' like a ash- hoist. A lot of us went on the fore an' aft bridge an' watched 'em like 'Listen to the Band in the Park.' All these evolutions, I may as well tell you, are highly unusual in the Navy. After ten minutes o' muckin' about, Gla.s.s 'ere--pity 'e's so drunk!--says that 'e'd had enough exercise for 'is simple needs an' he wants to go 'ome. Mr. Ducane catches him a sanakatowzer of a smite over the 'ead with the flat of his sword. Down comes Gla.s.s's rifle with language to correspond, and he fiddles with the bolt. Up jumps Maclean--'oo was a Gosport 'ighlander--an' lands on Gla.s.s's neck, thus bringin' him to the deck, fully extended.

"The old man makes a great show o' wakin' up from sweet slumbers. 'Mistah Ducane,' he says, 'what is this painful interregnum?' or words to that effect. Ducane takes one step to the front, an' salutes: 'Only 'nother case of attempted a.s.sa.s.sination, Sir,' he says.

"'Is that all?' says the old man, while Maclean sits on Gla.s.s's collar b.u.t.ton. 'Take him away,' 'e says, 'he knows the penalty.'"

"Ah! I suppose that is the 'invincible _morgue_ Britannic in the presence of brutally provoked mutiny,'" I muttered, as I turned over the pages of M. de C.

"So, Gla.s.s, 'e was led off kickin' an' squealin', an' hove down the ladder into 'is Sergeant's volupshus arms. 'E run Gla.s.s forward, an' was all for puttin' 'im in irons as a maniac.

"'You refill your waterjacket and cool off!' says Gla.s.s, sittin' down rather winded. 'The trouble with you is you haven't any imagination.'

"'Haven't I? I've got the remnants of a little poor authority though,' 'e says, lookin' pretty vicious.

"'You 'ave?' says Gla.s.s. 'Then for pity's sake 'ave some proper feelin'

too. I'm goin' to be shot this evenin'. You'll take charge o' the firin'- party.'

"Some'ow or other, that made the Sergeant froth at the mouth. 'E 'ad no more play to his intellects than a spit-kid. 'E just took everything as it come. Well, that was about all, I think.... Unless you'd care to have me resume my narrative."

We resumed on the old terms, but with rather less hot water. The marine on the floor breathed evenly, and Mr. Pyecroft nodded.

"I may have omitted to inform you that our Number One took a general row round the situation while the small-arm party was at work, an' o' course he supplied the outlines; but the details we coloured in by ourselves.

These were our tattics to baffle Antonio. It occurs to the Carpenter to 'ave the steam-cutter down for repairs. 'E gets 'is cheero-party together, an' down she comes. You've never seen a steam-cutter let down on the deck, 'ave you? It's not usual, an' she takes a lot o' humourin'. Thus we 'ave the starboard side completely blocked an' the general traffic tricklin'

over'ead along the fore-an'-aft bridge. Then Chips gets into her an'

begins balin' out a mess o' small reckonin's on the deck. Simultaneous there come up three o' those dirty engine-room objects which we call 'tiffies,' an' a stoker or two with orders to repair her steamin'-gadgets.

_They_ get into her an' bale out another young Christmas-treeful of small reckonin's--bra.s.s mostly. Simultaneous it hits the p.u.s.s.er that 'e'd better serve out mess pork for the poor matlow. These things half s.h.i.+fted Retallick, our chief cook, off 'is bed-plate. Yes, you might say they broke 'im wide open. 'E wasn't at all used to 'em.

"Number One tells off five or six prime, able-bodied seamen-gunners to the pork barrels. You never see pork fisted out of its receptacle, 'ave you?

Simultaneous, it hits the Gunner that now's the day an' now's the hour for a non-continuous cla.s.s in Maxim instruction. So they all give way together, and the general effect was _non plus ultra_. There was the cutter's innards spread out like a Fratton p.a.w.nbroker's shop; there was the 'tiffies' hammerin' in the stern of 'er, an' _they_ ain't antiseptic; there was the Maxim cla.s.s in light skirmis.h.i.+n' order among the pork, an'

forrard the blacksmith had 'is forge in full blast, makin' 'orse-shoes, I suppose. Well, that accounts for the starboard side. The on'y warrant officer 'oo hadn't a look in so far was the Bosun. So 'e stated, all out of 'is own 'ead, that Chips's reserve o' wood an' timber, which Chips 'ad stole at our last refit, needed restowin'. It was on the port booms--a young an' healthy forest of it, for Charley Peace wasn't to be named 'longside o' Chips for burglary.

"'All right,' says our Number One. 'You can 'ave the whole port watch if you like. h.e.l.l's h.e.l.l,' 'e says, 'an when there study to improve.'

"Jarvis was our Bosun's name. He hunted up the 'ole of the port watch by hand, as you might say, callin' 'em by name loud an' lovin', which is not precisely Navy makee-pigeon. They 'ad that timber-loft off the booms, an'

they dragged it up and down like so many sweatin' little beavers. But Jarvis was jealous o' Chips an' went round the starboard side to envy at him.

"'Tain't enough,' 'e says, when he had climbed back. 'Chips 'as got his bazaar lookin' like a coal-hulk in a cyclone. We must adop' more drastic measures.' Off 'e goes to Number One and communicates with 'im. Number One got the old man's leave, on account of our goin' so slow (we were keepin'