Assholeology. Part 4

every loophole to every

office rule.

If the a.s.shole is the boss he can do all of the above plus be the end all, be all of every decision and conflict. For the a.s.shole boss, this isn't a job; it's his life.

His Secret

This a.s.shole knows business is business. He will do anything to get ahead and believes the ends will (usually) justify the means.

What You Can Learn

The most important lesson to learn from this a.s.shole is not to take anything personally. Never get emotionally involved in the office or you will never make it to the top of the heap.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage."-Niccol Machiavelli The Social a.s.shole This a.s.shole is at his best during social functions: at bars, corporate gatherings, sports games, and anything else that involves talking to countless people about hundreds of different topics. He is great at small talk. He is better at networking. Everyone remembers meeting this a.s.shole because he remembers everything about the meeting: "How's the wife? Kids still playing tee-ball? Did Uncle Al ever get that hip replacement?"

His Secret

This a.s.shole is great at listening and remembering. He files even the smallest detail in his mental Rolodex. People love it when you remember little things about them and can make interactions personal.

What You Can Learn

Social skills are incredibly important to the a.s.shole. Talking and listening are his keys to success. A strong memory doesn't hurt either. If you can remember your fantasy-football stats from last season, you can remember the name of a client's wife.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH No one cares about your fantasy team.

The Athlete a.s.shole This a.s.shole has a legitimate excuse for his actions and att.i.tude: He has lived a life of privilege. He has been expected to do nothing but concentrate on his sport while other people tended to everything else in his life. This a.s.shole can be forgiven by 99 percent of the general population because he can bounce a ball or swim faster than a fish. Eventually, he will get paid an incredible amount of money because of that talent. This will make him an even bigger a.s.shole. He will then only feel the love of 95 percent of the general population.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"I had to fight all my life to survive. They were all against me . . . but I beat the b.a.s.t.a.r.ds and left them in the ditch." -Ty Cobb His Secret

HGH. Kidding. It's not really a secret that society makes sports stars celebrities and millionaires just based on athletic talent. It's kind of sad actually, for everyone except the a.s.shole.

What You Can Learn

The a.s.shole att.i.tude is acceptable as long as it makes other people happy. The a.s.shole quarterback can be a jerk to the media, ignore fans, and damage more women than a bad batch of Botox, but as long as he throws touchdowns and commands late-game rallies people will look the other way at his immoral antics. Success erases the memory of an a.s.shole's detractors.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH The athlete a.s.shole should not be confused with the recreational douche bag. These fellas populate beer-league sports teams but act as if they are getting paid to play. They deserve nothing but a loaded bat to the kneecaps for taking a fun weekend activity way too seriously.

The Musical a.s.shole This a.s.shole learned at a young age that mastering a musical instrument is the key to success in life and love. He probably hesitated at first, p.i.s.sing and moaning every time he had to practice while his friends lit fire to G.I. Joes and fed the neighborhood cat packs of Big League Chew. But who's laughing now? This a.s.shole can charm women with the strum of a guitar or thump of a drum and might actually make a living as a paid musician. Even a side gig in a cover band gets this a.s.shole more attention than the typical bar crawler.

His Secret

People, especially women, love musical. The musician a.s.shole has won tons of fans and admirers through his ability to play an instrument. People a.s.sume that as a musician he is deep and philosophical. That's bull; this a.s.shole only knows how to pluck some strings. However, since the plucking sounds a little better than your armpit rendition of Blues Traveler's "Runaround," he gets the girl and you get a rash.

What You Can Learn

The obvious answer is a musical instrument. It's never too late to learn. The not-so-obvious lesson is that if you practice hard enough at one thing it can open more doors than you imagined. a.s.suming you go for the obvious and pick up an instrument, try the harmonica. It will work well for a solid version of "Runaround," help you get the girl, and avoid a rash (as long as you're smart about which girl you choose).

The Local-Celebrity a.s.shole These guys aren't super famous like their Hollywood counterparts, but they still reap the benefits of having a recognizable face and public interest in their lives, even if it is only in a twenty-mile radius. Guys like the town athlete who received a standing-O on the high school field and made it into the minors or the pretty-boy prom king who had a three-second spot in a fast-food commercial. These are the guys who can parlay their fifteen seconds of fame into an eternity of local attention and perks by banking on their "celebrity" and likeability.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH You're probably thinking, "What kind of celebrities aren't a.s.sholes?" but that isn't necessarily true. Most are douche bags.

His Secret

This a.s.shole acts like he belongs everywhere and that everyone should be happy to have him around.

What You Can Learn

Get famous for anything. It doesn't even have to be a positive reason-infamous a.s.sholes can lead as fun a life as the celebrated local celebrity. Make a name and live off that name for as long as possible.

a.s.sHOLE IN ACTION: Charlie Charlie was the undisputed a.s.shole on campus in his prime. After graduation, he occasionally returned for homecoming and tailgating. One year, after an overtime win that saw the entire stadium stay until the final seconds, cars lined up for days in the parking lot going out one of the few exits. Not one to wait, Charlie piled everyone into his car and tore off down a one-way street-going the wrong way.

A police officer quickly stepped in front of his car and demanded he stop. Charlie, not one to back down from a fight, laid on the horn and screamed out the driver's window, "This happens every G.o.dd.a.m.n year!! If you p.r.i.c.ks would let us leave out every possible direction this place would clear out and we'd be on our way! Now get the h.e.l.l out of the way so we can get this traffic moving!"

Dumbfounded, the cop stared at Charlie, at a loss for words. The cop started laughing, stepped out of the way of the car, and waved him down the one-way street going the wrong direction.

The Single a.s.shole He dates tons of women, sleeps with all of them, and never commits, yet comes off looking like the greatest guy in the world. Your female friends have probably dated him-you might even have been the one to set them up-but they don't hate him. This a.s.shole manages to bed and befriend (and bed again) tons of attractive women. He's the chronic bachelor who's never actually alone, as he still hangs out with his conquests, meeting up for the occasional drink and screw.

His Secret

He's honest. He's up front. He lays it out for the ladies. This is what he is looking for and this is what they can expect. They have no one to blame but themselves for getting involved and choosing to ignore the a.s.shole's warnings.

What You Can Learn

An a.s.shole is honest. Be honest with women; it's an odd but effective approach.

Make It Work for You Acting like an a.s.shole will improve every facet of your life, but the three most important areas are covered in the following chapters-on the job, in social situations, and with the opposite s.e.x. Ask yourself: Could I do better at work?

Could I have more fun in life?

Could I be getting more a.s.s?

You should've said yes to all three because no matter how powerful, carefree, or knee-deep in nookie you are, you can be deeper, happier, and more powerful.

It's possible to learn from each of the a.s.shole archetypes and create a persona fit to your particular situation. You do not have any limits, only your own limitations. Now that's deep.

CHAPTER RECAP: What Type of a.s.shole Are You?.