Assholeology. Part 5

In order to establish your presence as an a.s.shole, you have to find your niche and work it. There are many different types of a.s.sholes, and it's important you adopt an a.s.shole persona that works with your talents.

The more natural the att.i.tude feels, the easier it will be to perfect. By working your niche, you'll be able to exploit the inherent advantages that come with the a.s.shole role you fill. However, don't feel trapped by a single label. You can combine different a.s.shole archetypes to create a hybrid that's all your own.

a.s.s * hole * ol * o * gy Vocabulary Loophole (n.): An a.s.shole's means of getting what he wants without dealing with any of the bulls.h.i.+t a.s.shole detractor (n.): A person who hates on an a.s.shole's game; typically synonymous with "douche bag"

Bed and befriend (v.): To sleep with a woman while establis.h.i.+ng a connection that will lead to further hook ups Character Study The Social a.s.shole: He is a great specimen to study during your training process, as you will find him in the a.s.shole's natural habitat: the watering hole. Watch as he moves effortlessly from group of people to group of people, nonchalantly taking control of every conversation he enters. Take note of his skills at recalling small details in order to network and establish his likability.

Questions to Think About * What type of a.s.shole do you most closely relate to? Why?

* How would you handle an a.s.shole detractor?

* What is your niche?

What You Should Have Learned It's all about finding your niche.

There are several different types of a.s.sholes. Learn about and from them.

Uncle Al had hip surgery. Call him.

Success erases the memory of an a.s.shole's detractors.

You have to shape your own a.s.shole att.i.tude.

Chapter 5.

Act like an a.s.shole

Did you ever despise a person you barely knew? Something about him just rubbed you the wrong way. You couldn't put your finger on it, but there was something there. The way he looked. The way he spoke. The way he acted in public. Even his smell was off. He did things differently than you and it wasn't to your liking.

Here is the reason why: He was an a.s.shole who was doing everything correctly while you're an idiot doing everything wrong: The way you dress. The way you speak. The way you act. Wrong, all wrong.

It's never too late to change, though. It does take time, effort, research, and a little cash, but it will pay off in the end. Ready to make the investment?

It's never too late to change.

Look like an a.s.shole Buying the right clothes and looking your best isn't impossible. While some men act like it's as hard as splitting the atom or finding a virgin (both overrated once accomplished), it's not. The hard part is figuring out what looks good on you. For this, it's best to get someone else's opinion. Ask a female friend if she'd like to tag along. She'll be in the car planning your makeover before you can finish the sentence "I'm running to the mall. . . ." If you can't get a friend onboard, ask the opinion of the sales staff. This might be the better of the two options, as this person's taking an unbiased look at your new style.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH If you don't trust the person at the store or even your friend, don't be afraid to get a few more opinions. Opinions are like a.s.sholes- everyone has one. (You knew that was going to be in here eventually.) Size It Up Once you've found a style that works for you-if it includes Ed Hardy T-s.h.i.+rts, keep looking-remember that size matters. Your clothes shouldn't be hanging off your body like those of a '90s hip-hop act. They also shouldn't be tight enough to cut off circulation. Choosing clothes that compliment your body type will make you look better. For a more thorough look into selecting the right cuts, pick up a book like Esquire's The Handbook of Style. It'll do your closet good.

Tips to Dress By Here are a few other quick tips to keep in mind: * It's better to be overdressed than underdressed for any occasion.

* Don't be afraid to spend money. Good clothes are expensive, but cheap pieces end up costing more, as you have to keep buying replacements.

* Have at least one nice suit and one nice sport coat.

* There is never an appropriate occasion for a funny s.h.i.+rt.

* The best example of a good dresser is the store mannequin.

* Spend a little time keeping up on fas.h.i.+on, but don't be a victim to trends.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"n.o.body has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since 'nam!" -Seth, Superbad Learning how to dress is a slow process. You will know you're doing it correctly when you start to get compliments on the way you dress. Though laughing at your "clever" T-s.h.i.+rt is not a compliment.

You're dressing correctly

when you start getting

compliments.

DOUCHE BAG'S CLOSET Here's what you can find hanging up in just about any douche bag's closet. (If you can also check off an item, time to throw it out.) Ed Hardy T-s.h.i.+rt Camouflage pants Visor Pink polo with starched and popped collar Store-bought ripped-and-stained jeans Talk like an a.s.shole An a.s.shole has a certain way of commanding the English language. It's as much what he says as how he says it. The way he speaks is his tool to get what he wants, when he wants it. Every successful a.s.shole must: #1. Use Buzzwords Buzzwords are crucial to the a.s.shole vernacular. It keeps them one step ahead of the average person and makes everyone involved in the conversation, meeting, or discussion think the a.s.shole knows what he's talking about even if they didn't understand the word. Buzzwords give an a.s.shole's comments value, justification, and gravitas, and they are the benchmark for a successful semantic mapping. (We have no idea what the h.e.l.l that means either, but we bet you think we did.) THE 'HOLE TRUTH The second a buzzword is picked up by a mainstream media outlet, stop using it.

#2. Memorize Stats and Statistics "There are three kinds of lies," said Mark Twain "lies, d.a.m.ned lies, and statistics." Nothing ends an argument faster than rifling off numbers and figures that no one else can verify and, more importantly, dispute.

It doesn't even matter if they are accurate or correct. According to a recent study, almost 70 percent of people believe statistics are an effective tool in gaining the upper hand in debates and disputes. See, it works.

#3. Never End with "Am I Right?"

There is nothing worse than a person that gives their opinion matter-of-factly but then ends it with a question searching for approval. News flash: An a.s.shole is always right (at least in his own mind). Don't seek the approval of others and don't open the topic up for discussion or debate. State the facts (as you see them) and end the discussion: "There isn't a man alive that wouldn't slip it in Kathie Lee Gifford if they had the chance." End of discussion. Hey! End of discussion.

An a.s.shole is always right

(at least in his own mind).

FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY.

1. Creme fraiche 2. Color palette 3. My cat did the cutest thing.

4. Is this s.h.i.+rt me?

5. Diet starts Monday.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"Just remember: It's not a lie if you believe it."-George Costanza, Seinfeld Know Your s.h.i.+t An a.s.shole must know something about everything and everything about something. Pick a topic: history, baseball, stocks, boating, turn-of-the-century bread making; it really doesn't matter what the something is, just choose a topic and be an expert. Know everything there is to know and always strive to learn more. Make it known you are an authority on the subject: "Well, if we want to learn anything from the current economic crisis and volatile stock market, we need look no further than the yeast drought of 1768. Did you know that 43 percent of the population invested their money in bread and ovens? It was considered the safest option." Worked again.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH Bread is one of the oldest prepared foods and dates back to the Neolithic era. The band Bread made cheesy love songs and dates back as early as 1969. Both are tough to digest in large amounts.

Not only is it important to be able to speak knowledgeably on a subject at all times, you must also excel at a particular activity-golf, cooking, painting, or something else that is not easily mastered by the average douche bag. Take that chef Rocco as an example of how mastering a talent can take an average guy and turn him into a famous, wealthy, hot-chick-bagging a.s.shole. Now don't you wish you took Grandma up on those cooking lessons?

An a.s.shole must know something

about everything and

everything about

something.

Talk the Talk a.s.sholes dominate every conversation. It's expected. They are also expected to quickly and smartly defend their opinions on myriad topics. An a.s.shole should be ready to shoot straight from the hip and have an educated argument to support his stance on a subject. (Don't talk out of your a.s.s.) a.s.sholes dominate

every conversation.

It's expected.

To cover your bases, it's best to really keep up with the following four topics, and be ready to speak about them confidently and coolly at the next heated happy-hour debate: Topic #1: Current Events-You don't have to be a walking newspaper. Just make sure you know the gist of every major story in the news. This is even easier with the Internet. Hit your favorite news website and check the "Most E-mailed" and "Most Discussed" sections. Find out what other people are talking about and do a little homework on the topic.

Topic #2: Sports-When surrounded by a group of men in any situation, the conversation will naturally turn to sports. Every guy will regurgitate an opinion they heard on sports talk radio or pa.s.s off a joke they read on a blog as their own quip on the sports culture. a.s.sholes give their own opinion on sports; douche bags repeat what they hear on Pardon the Interruption. If the guys start discussing a sport the a.s.shole doesn't watch or follow, he offers a pointed comment to draw a laugh and change subjects. "Who do I like in the Stanley Cup finals? Whichever team will put an end to an incredibly drawn out hockey season."

Douche bags repeat what

they hear on Pardon the

Interruption.

Topic #3: Religion and Politics-People believe these two taboo topics should not be discussed at parties or in mixed company. Why? Because you might p.i.s.s someone off if you have an opposing viewpoint. Well, tough. If they feel so strongly about something they should want to defend their opinions. And you should be at the ready to go on the offense and show them how poorly they play D.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH If you could give two s.h.i.+ts about either topic, make that known as well: "I'd love to talk to you about G.o.d, but I save the fairytales for my kids' bedtime stories." At least it will keep you from getting invited back to these lame parties.

Topic #4: Everything-We know, we know . . . we said there would only be four, but an a.s.shole is never wishy-washy on any subject. An a.s.shole has an opinion and gives it when asked. Does it have to be the popular opinion? Nope. Just have something to say on the matter that doesn't make you sound like a dumba.s.s. When in doubt, go against the norm. It's fun to stir the pot.

The ability to hold a conversation is an important part of being an a.s.shole, seeing as how he's usually the center of the conversation. So mastering these talking tips means you're on your way.

Walk the Walk Like with anything, you better be able to put up or you better just shut up. An a.s.shole has to be able to back up everything he's shooting out of his mouth. Whether you need to actually hold your own against a guy that takes offense to something you say or follow through on a promise you've made, you're putting yourself out there, so you better be prepared.