Assholeology. Part 6

Beyond backing up whatever your mouth gets you into, an a.s.shole should know how to . . .

You're putting yourself

out there, so you better be

prepared.

. . . make a drink. Buy a bartending guide and learn how to make a good c.o.c.ktail. While you don't need to be some pretentious collector of aged scotch or a nose-up sommelier, you should know the basics when it comes to alcohol, like the difference between a single malt and a double malt, a merlot and a cabernet, a hoppy pale ale and a Mad Dog 40/40, and so on.

. . . perform CPR. Will you ever use it? Hopefully not, but if the situation did arise, you would be able to take control. You need to know how to save a life. You will be glad you spent that Sat.u.r.day afternoon mouth-humping a rubber dummy and pumping its chest. You'll also be thankful you took that CPR cla.s.s.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"It's all about bucks, kid. The rest is conversation."-Gordon Gekko, Wall Street . . . grease people. Not in a perverted way. An a.s.shole knows how to get into places by handing out presidential pa.s.ses to the people that matter-bouncers, maitre d's-anyone who can grant an a.s.shole fast access to an exclusive place.

For Every Action . . .

Once in a while a person is going to take issue with your a.s.shole approach and att.i.tude. They will go out of their way to try and expose you as nothing more than a pompous, arrogant douche bag. They may even threaten physical violence. Don't take the bait. Play it cool; don't be the douche bag. If the confrontation escalates to the point where this other guy is willing to lower himself to a fistfight for the sake of saving face, he isn't worth the time. Simply raise your hands, give one last smirk, and walk away. Be the better, not bigger, a.s.shole.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH The guy's jealous. He wishes he had your ability to articulate his thoughts and keep a crowd captive and entertained. If you want to be an a.s.shole though, you have to be ready for these types of reactions. (You are being an a.s.shole, after all.) However, you need to retain the coolness, calmness, and confidence that are inherent to the a.s.shole att.i.tude.

FIVE PEOPLE YOU SHOULD NEVER BULLs.h.i.+T (EVER).

1. Your father 2. Your doctor 3. Your accountant 4. The law 5. Another a.s.shole

CHAPTER RECAP: Act like an a.s.shole.

a.s.sholes know how to do it right. You on the other hand are probably doing it wrong. You need to change the way you look (and by change we mean care about). You need to be able to carry on a conversation.

You need to know how to handle yourself in public. Being an a.s.shole is all about looking, talking, and acting in a way that will make people want to be around you.

a.s.s * hole * ol * o * gy Vocabulary Semantic mapping (n.): Again, we don't know what this is Slip it in (v.): To have s.e.xual intercourse Give two s.h.i.+ts (exp.): An expression used to convey one's indifference for a situation, as in "Right after I slipped it, she was talking about 'a relations.h.i.+p' when I could really give two s.h.i.+ts"

Character Study Rocco DiSpirito: Now this is an a.s.shole who banked on his talent. And even though it's not a necessarily manly talent, he still parlayed his knowledge into a good life (read: money, fame, women). Chef, restaurateur, and television personality, DiSpirito's success ill.u.s.trates that you need to be good at something-and d.a.m.n good at it if you want to be as successful as him.

Questions to Think About * What do you think is wrong with your style?

* What conversation topic will you know everything about? Why?

* How would you handle a potential fight?

What You Should Have Learned This process will involve changes to your inside and your outside.

Make the necessary changes to look the part.

Learn how to talk like an a.s.shole by using stats, memorizing buzz words, and never asking if you are right-know you are right.

An a.s.shole should have an opinion on all sorts of topics like current events, sports, religion, politics, and, well, everything.

There are certain things every a.s.shole should know how to do. This is your cue to learn them.

People are going to take issue with your a.s.shole approach. Be prepared to handle the situation.

Chapter 6.

The a.s.shole at Work

The corporate world is filled with a.s.sholes. Most are at the top of the food chain: owners, CEOs, decision makers, and the guys that get to be in the company commercials and brochures. Yet some are still working their way up the lower rungs-working angles, making moves, and positioning themselves for a run to the top while you worry about taking too much time for lunch.

If you want to succeed in any business sector, you need to learn that being an a.s.shole is a necessity. The expression "It's not personal; it's just business" was probably coined by an a.s.shole that just screwed over an a.s.sociate to make a deal that sealed him a promotion. He was right. Being an a.s.shole isn't personal-it's just business. Now let's get down to business.

Your First Day: Start from the Beginning You're the new guy. No one likes or trusts the new guy. You already have a strike against you with your coworkers. They all dislike you for different reasons: To the older generation of staff with thirty years in the can, you are the younger, cheaper alternative that is going to push them one step closer to accepting a buyout and crying in their cars staring at their boxes of office belongings. To the younger, you are the newbie they are going to have to train to use the copier, find the bathroom, and log into e-mail like a three-year-old with a learning disorder. Since everyone is already predisposed to despise you, this is the perfect opportunity to start being an a.s.shole.

Announce Your Presence The first day of work is confusing and frustrating. Few people are helpful and everyone expects the new guy to make the effort to introduce himself. Do just that. Say h.e.l.lo to people in the halls and everyone in the cubicles around yours, and turn the accidental bathroom b.u.mp-ins into quick conversations. (Just wait until after they come out of the stall.) Really make your presence

known.

After everyone knows your name, really make your presence known. This next move is tricky, but if done correctly can set the tone for the rest of your time at the company.

1. Find a reason to get incredibly angry with a coworker for no good reason.

2. Make it personal. If they remove something from your desk or make a comment toward you in mixed company, lose your mind for a brief moment.

3. Seal it with a threat. In an angry tone and with near-psycho eye contact tell them it would be best if they never did whatever small thing they did again. "Don't ever, ever touch my Wall Street Journal."

Crazy? It's beyond crazy. But would you ever cross a person that flips out on someone for touching their newspaper?

Don't Ask, Just Do Instead of asking people how the copier works, where the restroom is, or how hard you can punch the soda machine for stealing your quarters without alerting security, figure it out on your own. Open doors, check open rooms, screw around with the phone system-teach yourself the ins and outs of the office. If you do something dumb like intercom the entire office or pee in a coat closet, you get to flash the "I'm the new guy" card and get out of jail free. It's their fault for not teaching you the ropes.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win." -Sun Tzu Grill the Person Training You Most companies will designate a coworker to act as your trainer. This is the perfect time to ask all the real questions you couldn't ask on the interview: Who's really two faced?

Who are the real decision makers in the place?

Who's on the fast track to management?

Who should be avoided?

Who knows all the dirt?

Pump him or her for anything that will help you form alliances, make smart moves, and climb the corporate ladder. If they can't (or won't) answer your questions, hunt out the office gossip yourself and make friends.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"Lunch is for wimps."-Gordon Gekko, Wall Street The First Few Months: Make Your Move You've learned how the wheels turn. You know the players. You know how to manipulate your boss, your coworkers, and even the ladies in Admin. It's time to make a decision: Is this a job you'd like to stick with for a few years? Do you see yourself commandeering a corner office and barking orders at the people that already make your workday a frustrating experience? If the answer is no, you should spend your days updating your resume and sending out feelers to get a new gig. If the answer is yes, it's time to start cutting ties and making moves.

It's time to start cutting ties

and making moves.

Ditching the Cofriends The first a.s.shole move is to eliminate the dead weight called "cofriends" who drag down your progress on the job. Cofriends are the people you became friendly with solely based on the working situation. Either you trained together, ate lunch at the same time, or just happened to strike up a conversation in the copier room. Besides working for the same business, you really have nothing else in common with these people. If either of you left the company, you'd never talk again. Some friends.h.i.+p.

The truth of the matter is these people are holding you down. Management sees the relations.h.i.+p. They've taken notice and probably feel somewhere down the line it could hinder your ability as a manager to make decisions if you shared a pack of Chuckles with the people you'd be bossing around. Stop being friends slowly. Eat lunch in the lunchroom less, cut back on the number of nonwork e-mails you send and respond to, and just avoid them around the office. However, make sure they see it as you being too busy and not being a p.r.i.c.k; you don't need to make enemies. Maintain a casual friends.h.i.+p by always staying loosely in touch.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH The only exception to this rule is if the person has a higher position or a greater influence throughout the company. Then by all means ask about his dumb kids or comment how her new frosted perm accentuates her overtanned leathery skin.

Get Involved The a.s.shole is always a part of every important project at work. This doesn't happen by accident; it takes some maneuvering and manipulating.

The a.s.shole is always a part

of every important project.

First, decide what projects are the most important to the company's bottom line. Are they looking to score a huge new client? Positioning to buy out a compet.i.tor? Attempting to put their name on the top of every urinal cake on the East Coast? (Seriously, what the h.e.l.l do you do for a living?) Figure out the head of those projects and offer your a.s.sistance in any capacity. An a.s.shole makes himself available. Offer suggestions to the project manager and work every angle possible to snag an invite to the meetings. If the project is a success, your name is connected in some capacity and you could be asked to join in the next step toward urinal-cake domination. If the project goes south, you weren't one of the leads so the blame is placed elsewhere.

An a.s.shole makes himself

available.