Assholeology. Part 7

Another solid move is to take up smoking, just for the first few months. Become part of the smoking crew that goes outside. It's these little moments of smokers' delight that always bring forth the most venomous and juiciest gossip. Don't say much, just quietly puff away and take in all the inside information.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH To seem legit, pick the toughest cigarettes possible. Newports work well, or Marlboro Reds if you really feel like being an a.s.shole to your lungs. It will be easy to quit, promise.

Don't Call Him Boss No one likes the guy that is buddies with the boss. Who cares? You aren't trying to win a popularity contest; you're trying to win a promotion. Your office isn't a place for you to give a s.h.i.+t about other people's perceptions of you (at least those people who don't matter). A little brown nosing never hurt anyone.

You aren't trying to win

a popularity contest; you're

trying to win a promotion.

You have to be careful, though. Successful brown nosing is a tricky business because the boss can always tell a genuine person from a total a.s.s kisser. Therefore, act like your boss isn't your boss. Remember, he started the same place you did-at the bottom, wandering the halls looking for the bathroom and unable to retrieve his voicemail for months. Ask his opinion on business matters. Go to him for advice on clients, handling coworkers, and anything about work that he loves rambling on about for hours. That is your chance to build a rapport. Comment on the c.r.a.p in his office or the portly kids in the picture on his desk that look like they sweat b.u.t.ter. Show him you aren't intimidated by his position.

Act like your boss isn't your

boss.

THE a.s.sHOLE'S FAVORITE OFFICE PHRASES What He Says What He Means "Let me get back to you on that." "I have no idea; let me find out so I don't sound dumb."

"I want to get your input." "I want your help and will probably take all the credit for your ideas."

"Keep me in the loop." "I don't care but I'm pretending I do."

"It is what it is." "I don't give a s.h.i.+t."

"I'm out of pocket." "Leave me the f.u.c.k alone."

The Management Promotion:

So Long, Suckers

Congratulations. You've made it. (Nice office.) You probably think you can tone down the a.s.shole approach because you've reached your goal. Good job, boss, two minutes in the chair and you've already made a colossal error in judgment. Now more than ever, your a.s.shole skills will come into play. You've reached the top, but now you have to stay there.

Now more than ever, your

a.s.shole skills will come

into play.

Not only will you have to be an a.s.shole to everyone on the payroll, you'll have to do so in face-to-face and group meetings. Being in a position of authority means a ton of meetings with your underlings, as well as those above you on the office food chain. In these meeting, it's imperative to let your a.s.shole s.h.i.+ne through.

If it's a one-on-one meeting, be sure to make your agenda obvious and what you want accomplished crystal clear. Spell it all out so there is no questioning, second-guessing, or opportunities for the underlings to do anything except what you've specifically requested. Stay on topic, on point, and keep it brief. The longer the meeting, the less the subordinates will take away.

Stay on topic, on point, and

keep it brief.

During group meetings, always be the a.s.shole in charge. Once again, set the agenda and dominate the conversation. If the conversation careens off topic (as it always does), be the person to bring the focus back to the topic at hand. Make sure the group is attentive, productive, and gets their s.h.i.+t done.

Keep the Crew in Line Meetings with groups of coworkers are excellent opportunities to flex your a.s.shole abilities. They provide the perfect chance to prevent mutiny in the crew. A common tactic of the insecure douche bag would be to pick on the weakest of the group. Wrong. a.s.sholes pick on the strongest. Show everyone you are in charge and not one to be screwed with under any circ.u.mstance. Picking on the defenseless only rallies the troops under the "boss is a douche bag" flag. Put the strongest in check and the rest of the crew stays in line. Just make sure you can handle the dogfight; you don't want him to make you look like a giant p.u.s.s.y in front of your entire staff.

Douche bags pick on the

weakest. a.s.sholes pick on

the strongest.

a.s.sHOLE IN ACTION: Darren Darren noticed his staff sometimes got lazy. This was incredibly obvious during the summer. It was almost like a case senioritis- except they weren't graduating. The nicer the weather, the more people would call off work or come down with a mystery ailment overnight. It usually always happened on Fridays, when the office turned into a ghost town after lunch.

Then Darren had an idea.

Darren decided to make Friday's the most important day of the workweek. He scheduled every one-on-one sales meeting with his staff members for Friday afternoons. He would give Friday deadlines for all projects. He even sometimes waited until Friday morning to call afternoon meetings. He called a staff meeting and e-mailed an agenda for the Friday before Labor Day, at 4:00 p.m. in the afternoon.

The entire staff huddled in the conference room. Darren was absent. At 4:01 p.m. he called in to his a.s.sistant to put him on speakerphone in the conference room. He ran the meeting from his car on the way to the beach.

Office Interactions Even if you cut ties with most of your cofriends, you'll still have a few confidants in the office. This is acceptable as long as the rules are clear.

The other people have to understand that work is work. You have to be an a.s.shole to get things accomplished. Remember: It's nothing personal; it's only business. The people you still socialize with need to realize this fact. If you chew one of them out at a meeting for being a total moron, they need to realize that's your job. He was a moron. You are the manager. Therefore, you have to lay into him. Now, he might take it a little personally and not talk to you the next time you're at the coffee machine or respond to your e-mail about a run during lunch, but he'll get over it. And if he doesn't, he clearly doesn't have what it takes to hang with you. Chew him out at the next meeting just for the h.e.l.l of it.

The people you're friends with in the office should know you're an a.s.shole by now anyway. They accept that fact and choose to a.s.sociate with you despite it. These are people you should keep close. Every successful a.s.shole needs connections throughout his organization. They will help you down the road.

Work is work. You have

to be an a.s.shole to get

things accomplished.

Handling Mutual Hate The idea of being an a.s.shole to someone you don't like seems simple in theory, but in actuality, it's harder to be an a.s.shole to a coworker you don't like than one you do.

Here's why: If you act like an a.s.shole with a coworker who knows you're an a.s.shole and can roll with the punches, they are more likely to accept how you go about doing business. If you're an a.s.shole to a coworker that already wishes you'd jam your hand into a bucket of rusty nails, then getting through to him on a business level will be near impossible.

The simple solution: Treat the people you hate (somewhat) better than the people you like. Even if you despise that guy in sales who sports more hair gel than Ryan Seacrest, you can't make it known throughout the ranks. Again, picking on him from a place of power simply because you don't like him is wrong. It will reduce morale as you come off looking petty, even if he comes off looking douche-y. You don't want the troops to know whom you hate, so keep everyone on their toes. As much as it might pain you, you occasionally have to throw the tool a bone in the form of a compliment-only when he deserves it, of course.

The a.s.shole Outside the Office Common knowledge dictates that you rarely want to be in situations outside the office that will give coworkers an opportunity to get to know you on a personal level. Sometimes, however, it's unavoidable. You have to be careful in those instances. One too many shots of Cuervo and your a.s.shole authority is out the window. Don't let that happen.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"My father taught me many things here-he taught me in this room. He taught me-keep your friends close but your enemies closer."-Michael Corleone, The G.o.dfather Part II First, maintain the same relations.h.i.+p outside the office that you do within the poorly decorated walls. Don't be a p.r.i.c.k. It is a social situation after all. Just remember that those under your command in the office should show the same respect at a bar or Christmas party. Be friendly but not chummy. Have a drink or two, make small talk, then say a quick goodbye and go home. You made the attempt to rub elbows with the common folk and did so in a civil manner. Plus, once you leave everyone can relax and have a few drinks. No one wants to drink with their boss.

Treat the people you hate

(somewhat) better than the

people you like.

Secondly, never, under any circ.u.mstance, make an appearance at an event that involves the family of a coworker. Unless the other person is an honest to Jesus real friend that you feel close enough to that you'd hit them up for an organ in case of emergency, don't get involved with coworkers lives outside the office. It's a slippery slope that will affect every decision you make during business hours. It would be hard to fire Ted under normal circ.u.mstances; imagine having to fire Ted after bringing bean dip to his BBQ and meeting his wife, kids, and one-eyed cat Mr. Handsome Pants. Personal relations.h.i.+ps affect your ability to be an effective a.s.shole on the job. Stay focused. Get Mr. Handsome Pants out of your mind.

CHAPTER RECAP: The a.s.shole at Work.

Being an a.s.shole isn't personal, it's just business-especially when it comes to work. In order to achieve your career goals by acting like an a.s.shole, you need to make your presence known immediately. Make sure your officemates recognize that you're not just some pen pusher and you're not to be messed with. Get involved in the important projects so that you get noticed by the higher-ups and promoted. And once you do get that promotion: take no prisoners. Remember, it's business, nothing personal.

a.s.s * hole * ol * o * gy Vocabulary Work an angle (v.): To persuade another person into doing something through cunning Office gossip (n.): Trivial s.h.i.+t you would not care about outside the workplace, but prize because it's useful intellect inside your office Cofriend (n.): A coworker with whom you are friendly Character Study The Office Gossip: Usually this person is not an a.s.shole, but that does not mean there isn't something you can learn from him or her (usually women are seen as gossips, but inside an office all bets are off). They know everyone. They talk to everyone. They listen to everyone. They're a wealth of knowledge for you to dip into when the time is necessary.

Questions to Think About * What role do you fill in your current job?

* What is your ultimate career goal?