Assholeology. Part 8

* How will becoming an a.s.shole help you to achieve your career goal?

What You Should Have Learned There are a.s.sholes at work. It's in your best interest to be one of those a.s.sholes.

You should be an a.s.shole on your first day.

As you grow with the company, let your a.s.shole persona grow as well.

You have your friends and you have your coworkers. Know where to draw the line.

It's usually harder to be an a.s.shole to people you don't like than those you do.

When you're the boss, no one really wants to see you at happy hour-but make an appearance anyway.

Chapter 7.

The a.s.shole at Play

You can't just turn off being an a.s.shole-it's not like there's a switch that lets you flip it on when you feel like it. If you commit to being an a.s.shole, you have to be one every day, everywhere, in every aspect of your life. Whether you're watching football at a friend's house or walking down the aisle in a wedding party, an a.s.shole is an a.s.shole twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

The a.s.shole in Public The a.s.shole should always be the center of attention. No matter where he is or what he's doing, the a.s.shole finds a way to be the person everyone wants to be around. There is, however, a fine line between commanding attention as an a.s.shole and drawing attention as a douche bag. As your mother used to say, you want to be the person people laugh with, not the one they laugh at. So, here are some typical situations you'll find yourself in and the how-to for pulling off the perfect a.s.shole behavior.

At a Bar The watering hole is the a.s.shole's playground. It's where friends are met, fun is had, and deals are done, for both business and pleasure. Even in the most crowded bar, an a.s.shole can make his presence known without coming across as obnoxious. Here are some tips to help you step up your A-game the next time you head out to the bars.

Even in the most crowded

bar, an a.s.shole can make his

presence known without

coming across as

obnoxious.

TIP #1: GET CHUMMY WITH THE BARTENDER.

It's a crucial, crucial move that must be mastered. The bartender is the most important person to get on your side on any trip to a gin joint. Get there early so it isn't too busy and start up a conversation. Always begin by asking the bartender's name. But don't start and end every sentence with it. You want to get in his or her good graces without trying too hard. And if the bartender is female, don't make it seem like a pick-up attempt. Keep it friendly; ask questions, especially about drinks. And this should go without saying, but tip and tip well. Every time.

Once the bar is three deep and everyone is fighting for the bartender's attention waving Andrew Jacksons in the air yelling "Hey!" and "Yo!" the bartender will be happy to hear a quick, "Jim, when you get a chance, another round please" from the friendly, familiar voice of an a.s.shole. Getting in with the bartender will also help in case anything gets out of hand. If things go down and the bouncers want to know the whole story, they will usually ask the bartender what happened. So, if you're buddy-buddy with the bartender, chances are their recount will cast you in a favorable light.

Tip and tip well.

Every time.

TIP #2: REMEMBER NAMES AND DRINKS.

Recalling a person's drink of choice is almost as important as recalling that person's name. It's a personal touch to any encounter that every a.s.shole should learn to pull off. Not only does getting it right for that night's next round help in the now, it's a great way to show off your attention to detail the next time you get together at a bar. If you can meet up with an acquaintance or business contact and order his favorite drink before he does, it shows you pay attention. And an a.s.shole remembers even the smallest detail. Knowing he prefers soda water over tonic or his brand preference will make you ordering that Ketel One and soda even more remarkable.

An a.s.shole remembers even

the smallest detail.

FIVE DRINKS YOU SHOULD NEVER ORDER.

1. Margarita: Unless you're a Mexican singer named El p.u.s.s.y.

2. Apple martini: Martinis are for drinking; apples are for eating or picking. (P.S. Never go apple picking either.) 3. Diet anything: The only exception is if you mix it with alcohol harder than your crotch at a strip club.

4. s.e.x on the beach: Only actual s.e.x on an actual beach is acceptable (though the sand trap on the 16th hole does count).

5. Milk: Put the book down. Run face first into a wall. Who told you to stop?

TIP #3: TALK TO THE CROWD.

This is normally the first mistake in networking, meeting new people, or even picking up the opposite s.e.x-don't start by talking to just one person in a crowd of people. This immediately alienates the rest of the group and puts the conversation on display. An a.s.shole always engages a group with a broad, open-ended question. This involves everyone in the conversation and gets them familiar with the a.s.shole. Once a connection is established, the a.s.shole can focus his attention on a smaller set of people and strike up a conversation with one or two individuals.

Don't start by talking to just

one person.

TIP #4: PEE NICE WITH OTHERS.

Normally, the bathroom is the last place you'd expect to make friends. However, it's usually the quietest place in the bar. A well-timed joke while waiting for a urinal or while was.h.i.+ng your hands is always a good way to win over the other gentlemen. Not only will it score you a few laughs then, you're now the funny guy if you run into any of them outside the restroom: "Hey, you were that guy who made the 'Where's the Drakkar?' joke at the sink." Yes, you were. (And you better have been joking.) TIP #5: STOP PLAYING GAMES.

Darts. Pool. Shuffleboard. All great ways to pa.s.s the time when it's just you and a few friends kicking back at the bar blowing off steam. However, if you're trying to meet new people, you should avoid playing bar games when you go out for the night; they limit your possibilities. Sure, you might make friends with the two or three people you're playing with, but you're losing valuable time making your presence known around the entire bar. When you're finally knocked off the table a few hours later, everyone's already involved in intoxicated talks that you're not going to be able to work your way into. Let the shy wallflowers and compet.i.tive d-bags run the table; you should be working on your real game.

And beyond these tips, the most important thing to remember is to be social. Always move around the bar. Talk to different people. Get involved in different conversations. Go be a social b.u.t.terfly with a gin and tonic in hand.

At a Wedding For the bride and groom, a wedding is the celebration of their love and their joining together in holy matrimony to live the rest of their lives as one and raise a family. For everyone else, it's an excuse to drink heavily, eat a lot, and have a ball on the couple's dime. It's also prime time to be an a.s.shole. It's a great opportunity to catch up with friends and relatives, network with new people, and possibly get your whistle wet with an available woman. Like in the bar, it's all making your presence known.

It's all about making your

presence known.

First, get to know everyone at the ceremony. Build a connection. Talk to everyone and let them know who you are and why you're attending the wedding.

"The bride and I grew up together."

"The groom and I work together."

"I used to knock boots with the bride in college."

Carry on that conversation at the c.o.c.ktail hour. Ask a million questions. Remember how they are connected to the happy couple as well as a few random details about their relations.h.i.+p.

When it comes time to get your grub on, make friends with your table if you're seated with strangers. Introduce yourself and keep everyone involved in the conversation. Avoid awkward silences by commenting on the couple, the food, or the venue to get the whole table talking. This makes the entire evening much more enjoyable. It also ensures those guests will walk away from dinner remembering how you kept everyone entertained.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that get so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind." -Jeremy Grey, Wedding Crashers Once dinner's over and the night moves on to dancing and more drinks, try and locate the people you found most important in your earlier mingling-the doctor with a members.h.i.+p to that exclusive course, the bride's cousin with season tickets, the woman who doesn't want to be at a wedding since she's newly single. Now's the chance to get the return on the time you invested earlier. Recall those pieces of information that may have seemed useless, but that brought up in conversation now will show how attentive, detail oriented, and considerate you are.

And once you're done with this stage of the networking, be sure to open the door for a nonwedding follow up: "Hey, if I don't see you the rest of the night, give me your card or e-mail and we can meet up." So now, with the networking out of the way, you're allowed to really enjoy the party. However, it's important not to take too much attention away from the bride and groom. You aren't there to ruin their wedding. Keep in mind: You are a terrible dancer; don't let the vodka fool you.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH Employ the same drink-memorization skill that you picked up in the bar section. After dinner, circle back to someone you met during the c.o.c.ktail hour and ask them if they need a refill: "Can I get you another Jack and ginger?" Then, go grab a drink for yourself and what's his name.

At a Funeral No one wants to be at a funeral (h.e.l.l, even the guest of honor isn't thrilled to be in attendance), but we all have to attend funerals every now and then. Be careful though: An improperly trained a.s.shole can get in a s.h.i.+tload of trouble if he isn't careful.

When you go to pay your respects to the dead, be sure to give your regrets to the family and sign the guest book. Don't try to be clever in what you sign; be solemn and appropriate. Then go and hang in the back of the room. It's where people go to talk. Take the same approach with going around and greeting people as you would at a wedding, except be a little more reserved. Also, don't offer to get any drinks. Unless it's an Irish wake. Out of respect for the dead, this is as far as we will go into funeral networking.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman."-Royal Tenenbaum, The Royal Tenenbaums At Dinner A group of friends are getting together to chow down, shoot the s.h.i.+t, and enjoy each other's company over tasty fare and several bottles of wine. It's not really that intimate since the restaurant is packed with groups and couples doing the same. How does the a.s.shole act? As if he is the person throwing the dinner. Follow these steps to secure your place as the a.s.shole host.

1. Sit at the head of the table. This is where everyone will be looking, and will announce you as the leader of the group. If they seat your party at a round table, sit on the side that faces the rest of the restaurant. Now you can see everyone and everyone can see you.

2. Become the waiter's go-to guy. Start by being the one who orders something for the whole table-be it an appetizer or a bottle of wine-show him you're the one calling the shots. Now, when he has any questions or needs to break the news that they're all out of salmon, he'll come to you.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH As the a.s.shole leader, your food will get screwed with first if you have any douche bags in your dinner party. This gig isn't all roses and hand jobs.

3. At all times, try and speak for the crowd-order more bread, more drinks, be the one to ask for the dessert, and so on.

4. Take charge when it's time to pay. The waiter will likely place the bill closest to you since you've been the point person all night. When it comes to divvying up the damage, suggest the democratic approach to split the bill evenly. If that gets shot down, make sure to be the money collector; it's your job to make sure everyone pays what they owe.

5. Once everything's been figured out, hand the server the bill with your payment slips and cash. Make sure he gets the tip and thank him for a wonderful meal.

While you didn't lift a finger to put the meal together, everyone will leave thinking it was your dinner. Well done.

The a.s.shole in Private When an a.s.shole attends a gathering of family and friends it's one of the rare opportunities for him to let his guard down. He already knows everyone there and they all know him; therefore, he doesn't have to introduce himself to random strangers. However, it doesn't mean he can just forget about being an a.s.shole. While he doesn't have to spend time making introductions, he does have to work the room. Here's a breakdown of some typical events that you'll undoubtedly have to attend, and how you can pull off being the best a.s.shole you can be.

Family Gatherings The a.s.shole of the family is the guy who all the other members enjoy being around during the holidays. His birthday's never forgotten, he always gets a Christmas card, and everyone is hesitant about going on the big family vacation until he commits. However, he has to work to achieve that status.

The only way to survive