The Visions of Dom Francisco de Quevedo Villegas Part 1

The Visions of Dom Francisco de Quevedo Villegas.

by Dom Francisco de Quevedo.

THE FIRST VISION OF THE ALGOUAZIL (OR CATCHPOLE) POSSESSED

GOING t'other day to hear ma.s.s at a convent in this town, the door it seems was shut, and a world of people pressing and begging to get in.

Upon enquiry what the matter was; they told me of a demoniac to be exorcised; (or dispossessed) which made me put in for one, to see the ceremony: though to little purpose; for when I had half smothered myself in the throng, I was e'en glad to get out again, and bethink myself of my lodging. Upon my way homeward, at the street's end, it was my fortune to meet a familiar friend of mine of the same convent; who told me over again what I had heard before, and taking notice of my curiosity, bade me follow him; which I did, till with his _pa.s.se-partout_ he brought me through a little back-door into the church, and so into the vestry: where we saw a wretched kind of a dog-looked fellow with a tippet about his neck, as ill ordered as you'd wish; his clothes all in tatters, his hands bound behind him, roaring and tearing after a most hideous manner.

"Bless me," quoth I, crossing myself, "what spectacle have we here?"

"This," said the good Father who was to do the feat, "is a man that's possessed with an evil spirit." "That's a d.a.m.ned lie," with respect of the company, cried the devil that tormented him, "for this is not a man possessed with a devil, but a devil possessed with a man; and therefore you should do well to have a care what you say, for it is most evident, both by the question and answer, that you are but a company of sots. You are to understand that we devils never enter into the body of a catchpole, but by force, and in spite of our hearts; and therefore to speak properly, you are to say, this is a devil catchpoled, and not a catchpole bedevilled. And, to give you your due, you men can deal better with us devils, than with the catchpoles, for we fly from the cross, whereas they make use of it, for a cloak for their villainy.

"But though we differ thus in our humours, we hold a very fair correspondence in our offices: if we draw men into judgment and condemnation, so do the catchpoles; we pray for an increase of wickedness in the world, so do they; nay and more zealously than we, for it is their livelihood, and we do it only for company: and in this the catchpoles are worse than the devils; they prey upon their own kind, and worry one another. For our parts, we are angels still, though black ones, and were turned into devils only for aspiring into an equality with our Maker: whereas the very corruption of mankind is the generation of a catchpole.

So that, my good Father, your labour is but lost in plying this wretch with relics; for you may as soon redeem a soul from h.e.l.l, as a prey out of his clutches. In fine, your algouazils (or catchpoles) and your devils are both of an order, only your catchpole-devils wear shoes and stockings, and we go barefoot after the fas.h.i.+on of this reverend Father; and (to deal plainly) have a very hard time on't."

I was not a little surprised to find the devil so great a sophister, but all this notwithstanding, the holy man went on with his exorcism, and to stop the spirit's mouth, washed his face with a little holy water, which made the demoniac ten times madder than before, and set him a yelping so horribly, that it deafened the company, and made the very ground under us to tremble. "And now," says he, "you may, perchance, imagine this extravagance to be the effect of your holy water; but let me tell you, that mere water itself would have done the same thing; for your catchpole hates nothing in this world like water [especially that of a Gray's Inn pump]. But to conclude, they are so reprobated a sort of Christians, that they have quitted even the very name of misins, by which they were formerly known, for that of algouazils; the latter being of Pagan extraction, and more suitable to their manners."

"Come, come," says the Father, "there is no ear, nor credit to be given to this villain; set but his tongue at liberty, and you shall have him fall foul upon the Government, and the ministers of justice, for keeping the world in order and suppressing wickedness, because it spoils his market." "No more chopping of logic good Mr. Conjurer," says the devil, "for there's more in't than you are aware of; but if you'll do a poor devil a good office, give me my dispatch out of this accursed algouazil; for I am a devil, you must know, of reputation and quality, and shall never be able to endure the gibes and affronts will be put upon me at my return to h.e.l.l, for having kept this rascal company." "All in good time," said the Father, "thou shalt have thy discharge; that is to say, in pity to this miserable creature, and not for thy own sake. But tell me now, what makes thee torment him thus?" "Nothing in the world," quoth the devil, "but a contest betwixt him and me, which was the greater devil of the two."

The conjurer did not at all relish these wild and malicious replies; but to me the dialogue was extreme pleasant, especially being by this time a little familiarized with the devil. "Upon which confidence, my good Father," said I, "here are none but friends; and I may speak to you as my confessor, and the confidant of all the secrets of my soul; I have a great mind, with your leave, to ask the devil a few questions, and who knows but a man may be the better for his answers, though perchance contrary to his intention! keep him only in the interim from tormenting this poor creature." The conjurer granted my request, and the spirit went on with his babble. "Well," says he smiling, "the devil shall never want a friend at court, so long as there's a poet within the walls. And indeed the poets do us many a good turn, both by pimping and otherwise; but if you," said he, "should not be kind to us," looking upon me, "you'll be thought very ungrateful, considering the honour of your entertainment now in h.e.l.l." I asked him then what store of poets they had? "Whole swarms," says the devil; "so many, that we have been forced to make more room for them: nor is there anything in nature so pleasant as a poet in the first year of his probation; he comes ye laden forsooth, with letters of recommendation to our superiors, and enquires very gravely for Charon, Cerberus, Rhadamanthus, aeacus, Minos."

"Well," said I, "but what's their punishment?" (for I began now to make the poets' case my own). "Their punishments," quoth the devil, "are many, and suited to the trade they drive. Some are condemned to hear other men's works: (and this is the plague of the fiddlers too) we have others that are in for a thousand year, and yet still poring upon some old stanzas they have made of jealousy. Some again are beating their foreheads with the palms of their hands, and even boring their very noses with hot irons, in rage that they cannot come to a resolution, whether they shall say face or visage; whether they shall write jail or gaol; whether cony or cunny, because it comes from _cuniculus_, a rabbit.

Others are biting their nails to the quick, and at their wits' end for a rime to chimney; and dozing up and down in a brown study, till they drop into some hole at last, and give us trouble enough to get them out again.

But they that suffer the most, and fare the worst, are your comic poets, for whoring so many queens and princesses upon the stage, and coupling ladies of honour with lackeys, and n.o.blemen with common strumpets, in the winding up of their plays; and for giving the bastinado to Alexander and Julius Caesar in their interludes and farces. Now be it known to you, that we do not lodge these with other poets, but with pettifoggers and attorneys, as common dealers in the mystery of s.h.i.+fting, shuffling, forging, and cheating: and now for the discipline of h.e.l.l, you are to understand we have incomparable harbingers and quartermasters; insomuch that let them come in whole caravans, as it happened t'other day, every man is in his quarter before you can say what's this.

"There came to us several tradesmen; the first of them a poor rogue that made profession of drawing the long bow; and him we were about to put among the armourers, but one of the company moved and carried it, that since he was so good at draughts, he might be sent to the clerks and scriveners; a sort of people that will fit you with draughts, good and bad, of all sorts and sizes, and to all purposes. Another called himself a cutter, we asked him whether in wood or stone? 'Neither,' said he, 'but in cloth and stuff' (_Anglice_ a tailor); and him we turned over to those that were in for detraction and calumny, and for cutting large thongs out of other men's leather. There was a blind fellow would fain have been among the poets, but (for likeness' sake) we quartered him among the lovers. After him, came a s.e.xton, or (as he styled himself) a burier of the dead; and then a cook that was troubled in conscience for putting off cats for hares: These were dispatched away to the pastry-men.

A matter of half a dozen crack-brained fools we disposed of among the astrologers and alchymists. In the number, there was one notorious murderer, and him we packed away to the gentlemen of the faculty, the physicians. The broken merchants we kennelled with Judas for making ill bargains. Corrupt ministers and magistrates, with the thief on the left hand. The embroilers of affairs, and the water-bearers take up with the vintners; and the brokers with the Jews. Upon the whole matter, the policy of h.e.l.l is admirable, where every man has his place according to his condition."

"As I remember," said I, "you were speaking e'en now concerning lovers.

Pray tell me, have you many of them in your dominions? I ask, because I am myself a little subject to the itch of love, as well as poetry."

"Love," says the devil, "is like a great spot of oil, that diffuses itself everywhere, and consequently h.e.l.l cannot but be sufficiently stocked with that sort of vermin. But let me tell you now, we have several sorts of lovers; some dote upon themselves; others upon their pelf; these upon their own discourses; those upon their own actions; and once in an age perchance, comes a fellow that dotes upon his own wife; but this is very rare, for the jades commonly bring their husbands to repentance, and then the devil may throw his cap at them. But above all, for sport (if there can be any in h.e.l.l) commend me to those gaudy monsieurs, who by the variety of colours and ribands they wear (favours as they call them) one would swear, were only dressed up for a sample, or kind of inventory of all the gewgaws that are to be had for love or money at the mercers. Others you shall have so overcharged with perruque, that you'll hardly know the head of a cavalier from the ordinary block of a tire-woman: and some again you'd take for carriers, by their packets and bundles of love-letters; which being made combustible by the fire and flame they treat of, we are so thrifty, as to employ upon the singeing of their own tails, for the saving of better fuel. But, oh! the pleasant postures of the maiden-lover, when he is upon the practice of the gentle-leer, and embracing the air for his mistress! Others we have that are condemned for feeling and yet never come to the touch: these pa.s.s for a kind of buffoon pretenders; ever upon the vigil, but never arrive at the festival. Some again have lost themselves with Judas for a kiss.

"One story lower is the abode of contented cuckolds; a nasty poisonous place, and strewed all over with the horns of rams and bulls, etc. Now these are so well read in woman, and know their destiny so well beforehand, that they never so much as trouble their heads for the matter. Ye come next to the admirers of old women; and these are wretches of so depraved an appet.i.te, that if they were not kept tied up, and in chains, they'd horse the very devils themselves, and put Barabbas to his trumps, to defend his b.u.t.tocks: for the truth is, whatever you may think of a devil, he pa.s.ses with them for a very Adonis or Narcissus.

"So much for your curiosity; a word now for your instruction. If you would make an interest in h.e.l.l, you must give over that roguy way ye have got of abusing the devils in your shows, pictures, and emblems: one while forsooth we are painted with claws, or talons, like eagles, or griffons.

Another while we are dressed up with tails, like so many hackney-jades with their fly-flaps: and now and then ye shall see a devil with a c.o.xcomb. Now I will not deny, but some of us may indeed be very well taken for hermits, and philosophers. If you can help us in this point, do; and we shall be ready to do ye one good turn for another. I was asking Michael Angelo here a while ago, why he drew the devils in his great piece of the Last Judgment, with so many monkey faces, and jack-pudding postures. His answer was, that he followed his fancy, without any malice in the world, for as then, he had never seen any devils; nor (indeed) did he believe that there were any; but he has now learned the contrary to his cost. There's another thing too we take extremely ill, which is, that in your ordinary discourses, ye are out with your purse presently to every rascal, and calling of him devil. As for example. Do you see how this devil of a tailor has spoiled my suit?

how the devil has made me wait? how this devil has cozened me, etc., which is very ill done, and no small disparagement to our quality, to be ranked with tailors: a company of slaves, that serve us in h.e.l.l only for brush-wood; and they are fain to beg hard to be admitted at all: though I confess they have possession on their sides, and custom, which is another law. Being in possession of theft, and stolen goods; they make much more conscience of keeping your stuffs, than your holy days, grumbling and domineering at every turn, if they have not the same respect with the children of the family. Ye have another trick, too, of giving everything to the devil, that displeases ye, which we cannot but take very unkindly.

'The devil take thee,' says one: a goodly present I warrant ye; but the devil has somewhat else to do, than to take and carry away all that's given him; if they'll come of themselves, let them come and welcome.

Another gives that whelp of a lackey to the devil; but the devil will none of your lackeys, he thanks ye for your love; a pack of rogues that are commonly worse than devils, and to say the truth, they are good neither roast nor sodden. 'I give that Italian to the devil,' cries a third; thank you for nothing: for ye shall have an Italian will choose the devil himself, and take him by the nose like mustard. Some again will be giving a Spaniard to the devil; but he has been so cruel where-ever he has got footing, that we had rather have his room than his company, and make a present to the grand-signior of his nutmegs."

Here the devil stopped, and in the same instant, there happening a slight scuffle, betwixt a couple of conceited c.o.xcombs, which should go foremost: I turned to see the matter, and cast my eye upon a certain tax-gatherer, that had undone a friend of mine: and in some sort to revenge myself of this a.s.s in a lion's skin, I asked the devil, whether they had not of that sort of blood-suckers among the rest, in their dominions (an informing, projecting generation of men, and the very bane of a kingdom). "You know little," says he, "if you do not know these vermin to be the right heirs of perdition, and that they claim h.e.l.l for their inheritance: and yet we are now e'en upon the point of discarding them, for they are so pragmatical, and ungrateful, there's no enduring of them. They are at this present in consultation about an impost upon the highway to h.e.l.l; and indeed payments run so high already, and are so likely to increase too, that 'tis much feared in the end, we shall quite lose our trading and commerce. But if ever they come to put this in execution, we shall be so bold, as to treat them next bout, to the tune of 'Fortune my foe,' etc. and make them cool their heels on the wrong side of the door, which will be worse than h.e.l.l to them, for it leaves them no retreat, being expelled paradise, and purgatory already." "This race of vipers," said I, "will never be quiet, till they tax the way to heaven itself." "Oh," quoth the devil, "that had been done long since, if they had found the play worth the candles: but they have had a factor abroad now these half-score years, that's glad to wipe his nose on his sleeve still, for want of a handkerchief." "But these new impositions, upon what I pray ye do they intend to levy them?" "For that," quoth the devil, "there's a gentleman of the trade at your elbow can tell you all;"

pointing to my old friend the publican. This drew the eyes of the whole company upon him, and put him so d.a.m.nedly out of countenance, that he plucked down his hat over his face, clapped his tail between his legs, and went his way; with which we were all of us well enough pleased, and then the devil went on. "Well," said the devil, and laughed, "my voucher is departed ye see; but I think I can say as much to this point as himself; the impositions now to be set on foot, are upon bare-necked ladies, patches, mole-skins, Spanish-paper, and all the _mundus muliebris_ more than what is necessary and decent; upon your _tour a la mode_, and spring garden coaches; excess in apparel, collations, rich furniture, your cheating, and blaspheming gaming ordinaries, and, in general, upon whatsoever serves to advance our empire; so that without a friend at court, or some good magistrate to help us out at a dead lift, and stick to us, we may e'en put up our pipes, and you'll find h.e.l.l a very desert." "Well," said I, "and methinks I see nothing in all this, but what is very reasonable; for to what end serves it but to corrupt good manners, stir up ill appet.i.tes, provoke and encourage all sorts of debauchery, destroy all that is good and honourable in humane society, and chalk out in effect the ready way to the devil.

"But you said something e'en now of magistrates, I hope," said I, "there are no judges in h.e.l.l." "You may as well imagine," cried the spirit, "that there are no devils there; for let me tell you (friend mine) your corrupt judges are the great sp.a.w.ners that supply our lake; for what are those millions of catchpoles, proctors, attorneys, clerks, barristers, that come sailing to us every day in shoals, but the fry of such judges!

Nay sometimes, in a lucky year, for cheating, forging, and forswearing, we can hardly find cask to put them in."

"From hence now," quoth I, "would you infer, that there's no justice upon the face of the earth." "Very right," quoth the devil, "for Astraea (which is the same thing) is fled long since to heaven. Do not ye know the story?" "No," said I. "Then," quoth the devil, "mind me and I'll tell ye it.

"Once upon a time Truth and Justice came together to take up their quarters upon the earth: but the one being naked, and the other very severe and plain-dealing, they could not meet with anybody that would receive them. At last, when they had wandered a long time like vagabonds in the open air, Truth was glad to take up her lodging with a mute; and Justice, perceiving that though her name was much used for a cloak to knavery, yet that she herself was in no esteem, took up a resolution of returning to heaven: and in order to her journey, she bade adieu in the first place to all courts, palaces, and great cities, and went into the country, where she met with some few poor simple cottagers, that gave her entertainment; but malice and persecution found her out in the end, and she was banished thence too. She presented herself in many places, and people asked her what she was? She answered them, 'Justice,' for she would not lie for the matter. 'Justice?' cried they, 'she is a stranger to us; tell her here's nothing for her,' and shut the door. Upon these repulses, she took wing, and away she went to heaven, hardly leaving so much as the bare print of her footsteps behind her. Her name however is not yet forgotten, and she's pictured with a sceptre in her hand, and is still called Justice; but call her what ye will, she makes as good a fire in h.e.l.l as a tailor; and for sleight of hand, puts down all the gilts, cheats, picklocks, and trepanners in the world: to say the truth, avarice is grown to that height, that men employ all the faculties of soul and body to rob and deceive. The lecher, does not he steal away the honour of his mistress? (though with her consent). The attorney picks your pocket, and shows you a law for't; the comedian gets your money and your time, with reciting other men's labours; the lover cozens you with his eyes; the eloquent, with his tongue; the valiant, with his arm; the musician, with his voice and fingers; the astrologer, with his calculations; the apothecary, with sickness and health; the surgeon, with blood; and the physician, with death itself; and in some sort or other, they are all cheats; but the catchpole (in the name of justice) abuses you with his whole man; he watches you with his eyes; follows you with his feet; seizes with his hands; accuses with his tongue; and in fine, put it in your litany, from catchpoles, as well as devils, _libera nos domine_."

"But how comes it," said I, "that you have not coupled the women with the thieves? for they are both of a trade." "Not a word of women as ye love me," quoth the devil, "for we are so tired out with their importunities; so deafened with the eternal clack of their tongues, that we start at the very thought of them. And to say the truth, h.e.l.l were no ill winter quarter, if it were not so overstocked with that sort of cattle. Since the death of the Witch of Endor, it has been all their business to improve themselves in subtlety and malice, and to set us together by the ears among ourselves. Nay some of them are confident enough, to tell us to our teeth, that when we have done our worst, they'll give us a Rowland for our Oliver. Only this comfort we have, that they are a cheaper plague to us, than they are to you; for we have no Exchanges, Hyde Parks, or Spring Gardens in our territories."

"You are well stored then with women, I see, but of which have you most?"

said I, "handsome, or ill-favoured?" "Oh, of the ill-favoured, six for one," quoth the devil, "for your beauties can never want gallants to lay their appet.i.tes; and many of them, when they come at last to have their bellies full, e'en give over the sport, repent and 'scape. Whereas n.o.body will touch the ill-favoured without a pair of tongs; and for want of water to quench their fire, they come to us such skeletons, that they are enough to affright the devil himself. For they are most commonly, old, and accompany their last groans with a curse upon the younger that are to survive them. I carried away one t'other day of threescore and ten, that I took just in the nick, as she was upon a certain exercise to remove obstructions: and when I came to land her, alas for the poor woman! what a terrible fit had she got of the toothache! when upon search, the devil a tooth had she left in her head, only she belied her chops to save her credit."

"You have exceedingly satisfied me," said I, "in all your answers; but pray'e once again, what store of beggars have ye in h.e.l.l? Poor people I mean." "Poor," quoth the devil, "who are they?" "Those," said I, "that have no possessions in the world." "How can that be," quoth he, "that those should be d.a.m.ned, that have nothing in the world? when men are only d.a.m.ned for cleaving to't. And briefly I find none of their names in our books, which is no wonder, for he that has nothing to trust to, shall be left by the devil himself in time of need. To deal plainly with you, where have you greater devils than your flatterers, false friends, lewd company, envious persons, than a son, a brother, or a relation, that lies in wait for your life to get your fortune, that mourns over you in your sickness, and wishes you already at the devil. Now the poor have none of this; they are neither flattered, nor envied, nor befriended, nor accompanied: there's no gaping for their possessions; and in short, they are a sort of people that live well, and die better; and there are some of them, that would not exchange their rags for royalty itself: they are at liberty to go and come at pleasure, be it war or peace; free from cares, taxes, and public duties. They fear no judgments or executions, but live as inviolable as if their persons were sacred. Moreover they take no thoughts for tomorrow, but setting a just value on their hours, they are good husbands of the present; considering that what is past, is as good as dead, and what's to come, uncertain. But they say, 'When the devil preaches, the world's near an end.'"

"The Divine Hand is in this," said the holy man that performed the exorcism, "thou art the father of lies, and yet deliverest truths able to mollify and convert a heart of stone." "But do not you mistake yourself," quoth the devil, "to suppose that your conversion is my business; for I speak these truths to aggravate your guilt, and that you may not plead ignorance another day, when you shall be called to answer for your transgressions. 'Tis true, most of you shed tears at parting, but 'tis the apprehension of death, and no true repentance for your sins that works upon you: for ye are all a pack of hypocrites: or if at any time you entertain those reflections, your trouble is, that your body will not hold out; and then forsooth ye pretend to pick a quarrel with the sin itself." "Thou art an impostor," said the religious, "for there are many righteous souls, that draw their sorrow from another fountain.

But I perceive you have a mind to amuse us, and make us lose time, and perchance your own hour is not yet come to quit the body of this miserable creature; however, I conjure thee in the name of the Most High to leave tormenting him, and to hold thy peace." The devil obeyed; and the good Father applying himself to us, "My masters," says he, "though I am absolutely of opinion that it is the devil that has talked to us all this while through the organ of this unhappy wretch, yet he that well weighs what has been said, may doubtless reap some benefit by the discourse. Wherefore without considering whence it came; remember, that Saul (although a wicked prince) prophesied; and that honey has been drawn out of the mouth of a lion. Withdraw then, and I shall make it my prayer (as 'tis my hope) that this sad and prodigious spectacle may lead you to a true sight of your errors, and, in the end, to amendment of life."

THE END OF THE FIRST VISION

THE SECOND VISION OF DEATH AND HER EMPIRE

MEAN souls do naturally breed sad thoughts, and in solitude, they gather together in troops to a.s.sault the unfortunate; which is the trial (according to my observation) wherein the coward does most betray himself; and yet cannot I for my life, when I am alone, avoid those accidents and surprises in myself, which I condemn in others. I have sometime, upon reading the grave and severe Lucretius, been seized with a strange damp; whether from the striking of his counsels upon my pa.s.sions, or some tacit reflection of shame upon myself, I know not. However, to render this confession of my weakness the more excusable, I'll begin my discourse with somewhat out of that elegant and excellent poet.

"Put the case," says he, "that a voice from heaven should speak to any of us after this manner; what dost thou ail, O mortal man, or to what purpose is it, to spend thy life in groans, and complaints under the apprehension of death? where are thy past tears and pleasures? Are they not vanished and lost in the flux of time, as if thou hadst put water into a sieve? Bethink thyself then of a retreat, and leave the world with the same content, and satisfaction, as thou wouldst do a plentiful table, and a jolly company upon a full stomach. Poor fool that thou art!

thus to macerate and torment thyself, when thou may'st enjoy thy heart at ease, and possess thy soul with repose and comfort, etc."

This pa.s.sage brought into my mind the words of Job, cap. 14, and I was carried on from one meditation to another, till at length, I fell fast asleep over my book, which I ascribed rather to a favourable providence, than to my natural disposition. So soon as my soul felt herself at liberty, she gave me the entertainment of this following comedy, my fancy supplying both the stage and the company.

In the first scene, entered a troop of physicians, upon their mules, with deep foot-cloths, marching in no very good order, sometime fast, sometime slow, and to say the truth, most commonly in a huddle. They were all wrinkled and withered about the eyes; I suppose with casting so many sour looks upon the p.i.s.s-pots and close-stools of their patients, bearded like goats; and their faces so over-grown with hair, that their fingers could hardly find the way to their mouths. In the left hand they held their reins, and their gloves rolled up together; and in the right, a staff _a la mode_, which they carried rather for countenance, than correction; (for they understood no other menage than the heel) and all along, head and body went too, like a baker upon his panniers. Divers of them, I observed, had huge gold rings upon their fingers, and set with stones of so large a size, that they could hardly feel a patient's pulse, without minding him of his monument. There were more than a good many of them, and a world of puny practisers at their heels, that came out graduates, by conversing rather with the mules than the doctors: well! said I to myself, if there goes no more than this to the making a physician, it is no marvel we pay so dear for their experience.

After these, followed a long train of mountebank-apothecaries, laden with pestles, and mortars, suppositories, spatulas, glister-pipes and syringes, ready charged, and as mortal as gun-shot, and several t.i.tled boxes with remedies without, and poisons within: ye may observe that when a patient comes to die, the apothecary's mortar rings the pa.s.sing-bell, as the priest's requiem finishes the business. An apothecary's shop is (in effect) no other than the physician's armoury, that supplies him with weapons; and (to say the truth) the instruments of the apothecary and the soldier are much of a quality: what are their boxes but petards? their syringes, pistols; and their pills, but bullets? And after all, considering their purgative medicines, we may properly enough call their shops purgatory; and why not their persons h.e.l.l? their patients the d.a.m.ned? and their masters the devils? These apothecaries were in jackets, wrought all over with Rs, struck through like wounded hearts, and in the form of the first character of their prescriptions, which (as they tell us) signifies _recipe_ (take thou) but we find it to stand for _recipio_ (I take.) Next to this figure, they write ana, ana, which is as much as to say an a.s.s, an a.s.s; and after this, march the ounces and the scruples; an incomparable cordial to a dying man; the former to dispatch the body, and the latter, to put the soul into the highway to the devil. To hear them call over their simples, would make you swear they were raising so many devils. There's your opopanax, buphthalmus, astaphylinos, alectorolophos, ophioscorodon, anemosphorus, etc.

And by all this formidable bombast, is meant nothing in the world but a few paltry roots, as carrots, turnips, skirrets, radish and the like.

But they have the old proverb at their fingers' end: "he that knows thee will never buy thee;" and therefore everything must be made a mystery, to hold their patients in ignorance, and keep up the price of the market.

And were not the very names of their medicines sufficient to fright away any distemper, 'tis to be feared the remedy would prove worse than the disease. Can any pain in nature, think ye, have the confidence to look a physician in the face, that comes armed with a drug made of man's grease?

though disguised under the name of mummy, to take off the horror and disgust of it: or to stay for a dressing with Dr. Whachum's plaster, that shall fetch up a man's leg to the size of a mill-post? When I saw these people herded with the physicians, methought the old s.l.u.ttish proverb, that says, "there is a great distance between the pulse and the a.r.s.e,"

was much to blame for making such a difference in their dignities, for I find none at all; but the physician skips in a trice from the pulse to the stool and urinal, according to the doctrine of Galen, who sends all his disciples to those unsavoury oracles, from whose hands the devil himself, if he were sick, would not receive so much as a glister. Oh!

these cursed and lawless arbitrators and disposers of our lives! that without either conscience or religion, divide our souls and bodies, by their d.a.m.ned poisonous potions, scarifications, incisions, excessive bleedings, etc., which are but the several ways of executing their tyranny and injustice upon us.

In the tail of these, came the surgeons, laden with pincers, cranes-bills, catheters, desquamatories, dilaters, scissors, saws; and with them so horrid an outcry, of cut, tear, open, saw, flay, burn, that my bones were ready to creep one into another for fear of an operation.

The next that came in, I should have taken by their mien, for devils disguised, if I had not spied their chains of rotten teeth, which put me in some hope they might be tooth-drawers, and so they proved; which is yet one of the lewdest trades in the world; for they are good for nothing but to depopulate our mouths, and make us old before our time. Let a man but yawn, and ye shall have one of these rogues examining his grinders, and there's not a sound tooth in your head, but he had rather see't at his girdle, than in the place of its nativity: nay, rather than fail, he'll pick a quarrel with your gums. But that which puts me out of all patience, is to see these scoundrels ask twice as much for drawing an old tooth as would have bought ye a new one.

"Certainly," said I to myself, "we are now past the worst, unless the devil himself come next." And in that instant I heard the brus.h.i.+ng of guitars, and the rattling of citterns, raking over certain _pa.s.sacailles_ and sarabands. These are a kennel of barbers thought I, or I'll be hanged; and any man that had ever seen a barber's shop might have told you as much without a conjurer, both by the music and by the very instruments, which are as proper a part of a barber's furniture as his comb-cases and wash-b.a.l.l.s. It was to me a pleasant entertainment, to see them lathering of a.s.ses' heads, of all sorts and sizes, and their customers all the while winking and sputtering over their basins.

Presently after these, appeared a consort of loud and tedious talkers, that tired and deafened the company with their shrill, and restless gaggle; but as one told me, these were of several sorts. Some they called swimmers from the motion of their arms in all their discourses, which was just as if they had been paddling. Others they called apes (and we mimics); these were perpetually making of mops, and mows, and a thousand antic ridiculous gestures, in derision and imitation of others.

In the third place, were make-bates, and sowers of dissension, and these were still rolling their eyes (like a Bartlemey puppet, without so much as moving the head) and leering over their shoulders, to surprise people at unawares in their familiarities, and privacies, and gather matter for calumny and detraction. The liars followed next; and these seemed to be a jolly contented sort of people, well fed, and well clothed; and having nothing else to trust to, methought it was a strange trade to live upon.

I need not tell you, that they are never without a full audience, since all fools and impertinents are of their congregation.

After these, came a company of meddlers, a pragmatical insolent generation of men that will have an oar in every boat, and are indeed the bane of honest conversation, and the troublers of all companies and affairs, the most prost.i.tute of all flatterers, and only devoted to their own profit. I thought this had been the last scene, because no more came upon the stage for a good while; and indeed I wondered that they came so late themselves, but one of the babblers told me (unasked) that this kind of serpent carrying his venom in his tail; it seemed reasonable, that being the most poisonous of the whole gang, they should bring up the rear.