Josh Billings on Ice Part 11

TUESDAY.--Awoke with a splendid headache, cauzed by drinking tew much spring water the evening previously, and going tew bed at 9 o'clock precisely. Breakfasted on the b.u.t.t end ov a sa.s.sige; felt like a dogg.

Sett down in my little chamber for reflekshun, and reflekted as follers:

Rekolekted ov hearing a man, on the levee, in Saint Lewis, once say "that the steambote Perary Flower drew less water than any bote an the Missouri." I asked him, "how little she could draw?" After changing sides with hiz chaw ov tobacco, he calmly said, "About 2 barrels." I reflekted what a phool this man made ov himself, and ov me too.

WEDNESDAY.--Rekolekted ov asking a man in Minnysota, if beans waz a sure krop in hiz parts. He sed "they waz az certain az a revolver."

Reflekted upon the danger ov carrying concealed weapons.

Rekolekted again ov being in Nu Hamps.h.i.+re, during a severe sno storm, and innocently enuff remarked, "that i never see ennything like it,"

and waz told by one ov the bar-room boarders, "that it want nothing, that he had seen it fall over a thousand feet." "What," sed i, "a thousand feet on the level?" "No," said he, "but a thousand feet from on high." I reflekted how eazy it waz for sum folks tew lie, and tell the truth at the same time.

THURSDAY.--Rekolekted once more ov being on the Red River, in Arkansaw, and seeing a large piece ov frame-work, by the side ov the road; enquired ov a private citizen, who was leading a blind mule by one ov hiz ears, "what the frame-work mought be?" He sed, "it was a blind fiddle, and it took three yoke ov oxen tew draw the bow, and they had tew haw and gee tew change the tune." Reflekted on that pa.s.sidge in the poeck, which sez "man is fearfully and wonderfully made;" and thought the remark might apply tew fiddles in Arkansaw, without spileing the remark.

FRIDAY.--Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Josh Billings, upon remonstrating with his washerwoman for sewing tucks onto the bottom of his drawers, is told that the clothes have only been mixed.--_See page 93._]

She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery by saying, "she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to * * * *;" I blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn't be too keerful about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life.

SAt.u.r.dAY.--Wrote this diaree for the week, from memory, and am satisfied i hav got a good memory. Reflekted upon the vanity ov human wishes, reflekted how often i had wished tew be ritch, and how seldum mi wishes had bin gratified. Resolved, in the futur, not tew wish for ennything until i had it 3 weeks, and see how i liked it.

JOSH BILLINGS--Dispensed with a new born critick who had tried hard tew be severe on my Book ov Sayings, thusly:--Dear Sir, I have red yure kriticism on mi book, and muss say, it don't c.u.m haf way up tew mi expectations. Yu seem tew hav in a big degree one essenshall for a bull critick, that is a grate willingness tew _d.a.m.n_, but yu lack entirely another ingredient which is awl important: yu don't know how tew bild a _dam_. Upon the whole, i am forced tew admit, that you are a poor _d.a.m.n_ crittick.

Yure Lover,

JOSH BILLINGS.

XXVI.

AMERIKAN ARISTOKRASY.

VIEWED BY JOSH BILLINGS.

Political ekonomists hav defined an aristokrasy as a power or government in which a privileged few hold dominyun.

I am not aware that sich a government exists, in a pure form, at the present day among the nashuns ov the earth.

But we kant be mistaken in the fackt that even in our own Republick thare are menny kandidates who would luv to partic.i.p.ate in the peculiar privileges ov an aristokrasy.

We hav divided Amerikan Aristokrasy (jist for fun) into 3 piles--the moneyed, the mackrel, and the pedigree aristokrats.

Not having much time tew spare, we pitch into them a good deal as follers:

The moneyed aristokrats are like certain fine coated animals, worth just what their hides will bring.

The mackrels are remarkable for their numbers and the small kapital they dew bizziness on; and while arrayed in their false dignity, and straining hard tew cheat us in awl things, are like a drunken man trieing tew walk a krack.

The pedigrees hav mutch innosense and little courage. Content with the glory ov their ancestors, they are satisfied in holding under our noses a grandfather's fossils, and fondly beleaf that the bones make them smell ov greatness.

Finally, trieing tew be a fust kla.s.s aristokrat in America, just yet, appears tew us tew be almost as flattring an enterprise as climbing a greased pole. Thare is great doubt about our being able tew reach the top, and if we dew succeed (and don't pull the pole up after us) we will soon hav the mortifikashun ov seeing some other sheumaker climbing up the same pole.

MORAL--Don't be an aristokrat if you kan help it.

XXVII.

LOVE.

The only natural feeling the young heart possesses is love. It is the first good thing the heart dus, and in after life it is often the only good thing it dus.

Thare is no posatif virtue in love, and yet it may be the result ov the holyest ov virtues.

But thare is, in this life, a vast deal ov Pontoon love, that has no more virtue in it than wooden nutmegs hav.

Thare is, "Love undying," that generally lives about as long as uncorked ginger pop dus.

Thare is "Love Untold," which is alwus told tew ennyboddy who will listen to it, and is as full ov pathos as a pork and beans nightmare.

And thare is "Love at sight," to which I will add Love for 90 days.

These are sum ov the different kinds ov love that are denominated pashun, and form much ov the trading capital that lovers do bissness on.

There is not much sin in these different styles ov love; they don't seem tew git up tew the dignity ov sin; thare is deception in them without doubt; but the deception is like Costar's celebrated Rat Exterminator, it won't hurt ennyboddy else but the rats.

I am not prepared to say that I would like to see these things dun away with, for sumthing wuss might spring up in the place ov them; they seem tew be necessary in carrying on a trade in which judgment has to yield to fancy, and fancy is too often forced to yield to nonsense.

If we could (enny ov us) have our old courts.h.i.+p written out and given to us for perusal, we should probably look upon it as we would upon a Chinese comick almanick, unable tew understand the pikturs and satisfied that the astronomical calculations were never designed for our lat.i.tude.

XXVIII.

THE GAME OF YEWKER.

This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old.

It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty.

It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while the game is advancing.

I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else.