Josh Billings on Ice Part 12

If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you, quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or 8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be more astonished when you see the other feller's hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and a one spot.

Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle.

I never play yewker.

I never would learn how, out ov principle.

I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity.

I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.

But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter, whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten spot won't count game.

I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut, mi natiff place.

XXIX.

NOW AND THEN.

In anshunt days, men, after konsidering an enterprise, proceeded with energee tew execute it; _now_ they shut up one eye, and "pitch in."

In old times, if their judgment sanctioned, they considered the chances; _now_, they "let her rip."

_Then_, they drank moderately ov water and brandy; _now_, they smile aquafortiss, and suk sweet scented turpentine, thru a quill.

_Then_, if circ.u.mstancis made it imperativ, they closed their bissiness, by affekting an honarabil compromise; _now_, they "cave in,"

"squeal," or "absquat."

_Then_, kontrary opinyuns were oka.s.sionally supported with reasonabel wagers; _now_, every man "bets his pile," or "bottom Dollar."

_Then_, they went a mile in forti-two, with an easy rein; _now_, in 2 forti, under a strong pull.

_Then_, most familys held from 6 to 10 healthy children, within its hallowed sirkle a radiant mother, and a stalwart sire; _now_, too oftin a puny father, with unsertin knees, a romantik madame, with a pale lily at her breast, a wet nuss, 2 Bridgits and a kennel ov sore eyed pups.

_Then_, they went tew meeting, to hear a docktrin sermon, and be humbell before G.o.d; _now_, they flaunt into holy palaces, and pay out fortunes every year, to lounge on velvet, and hear the Bible amateured, by a daintee gentleman, who handles their sins as he would a sleeping infant.

_Then_, our halls ov legislatur were filled with honest patriots; _now_, with clever bandits, whose courtesys dwell upon the tips ov buoyknives, and whose eloquence and arguments are couchant in the chambers ov deadly revolvers.

_Then_, we had youths apprenticed to a honest calling, whose indenters were diplomas; _now_, pale young gentlemen, emulous ov fisick, or the law, who are pendant to the perlews ov the courts and colleges, watching for the falling ov a crumb.

_Then_, we had maidens until they had bin looked upon bi at least 20 summers, and were modest enuff tew pick out a husband from a skore ov earenst and honest men, whoze very eyes had the promis ov bread in them; _now_, 15 summers make a woman, (or what we are obliged tew take for one,) and one so ripe too, that he who fust shakes the bush, gits the eager fruit.

_Then_, our literatur and learning waz drawn from sound philosophee, or quaint proverbs ov sense, and the fu books that prevailed was good; _now_, evryboddy writes a book, and evry phool reads it; learning is sterotiped, and wisdom iz only 12 s.h.i.+llings a vollume.

_Then_, industry kreated wants, virtew tempered them, and frugality supplied them; _now_, luxury haz taken the plase ov industry, pride the plase ov virtew, and extravaganse the plase ov frugality.

_Then_, men ware solisituss about their karakters; _now_, about their pedigrees.

_Then_, they found health at hum; _now_, they hunt for it bi travell.

Finally--if our Grand Pops should c.u.m among us, with the plans and precepts ov a hundred years ago, we, in our impudence and wickedness, would be caught laffing at them, while they, in virtuous sorrow, would be in tears over us, and thus would be enakted the scenes which alwus ensews when fools and sages meet.

x.x.x.

OATS.

Munny has dun one thing fur the world that no thing else could hav did so well--it has developed the phools.

The best kind ov advice fur me tew foller is this: "Pay tew the order ov Josh Billings 50 dollars and charge mi akount--John Burch." I had rather hav 10 Dollars ov this kind ov advice than six hundred in Christian consolashun; there is more sa.s.sage in it.

Although mankind wors.h.i.+p wealth, I will give them credit fur one thing--they seldom mistake it fur brains.

Most aul the grate things hav bin did by taking the chances. Prudence has but one eye, while fortune has a thousand.

If a man has 2 stummuks and 2 outsides, thare might be sum excuse fur adding 10 thousand dollars more each year tew his pile.

I don't read enny boddy else's poetry but Homer's, upon the same principle that i alwus drink, when it is just as handy, out ov a spring, instead ov the outlet.

Treason is one ov them kind ov stains that wash well.

If a man has got tew be poor aul his life, I aint sure but it would be sum munny in his pocket tew be ignorant.

Fust cla.s.s virtu is alwus anxus tew avoid temptashun.

Yu kant transplant a Yaukee suckcessfully without taking up a good deal ov the sile with the roots.

Originality in writing is as diffikult as gitting a fishpole by the side ov a trout brook--aul the good poles hav bin cut long ago.

It is easy enuff tew git religion, but tew hold it is what bothers a fellow. A good grip is better than rubis--yea! than mutch fine cotten cloth.

I enjoy a good laff--one that rushes out ov a man's soul like the breaking up ov a Sunday school; but a laff that c.u.ms tew the surface, as the hickucks c.u.m, or backs out ov a man, like the struggles ov a chicken choked with a chunk ov haff wet dough, i utterly lament.

Thare aint no poetry in poverty, but enny number ov feet ov blank verse.

When a fellow knows he is being stared at, it makes him act as unnatral as though he wos setting fur his picktur.

I am called a "broad humorist," and i am glad ov it: thare is plenty ov narrow humorists in the country without me.

Enny man who will kompell a woman tew make a s.h.i.+rt fur 20 cents, ought tew be filled full ov fish-hooks and be used for bait tew ketch other sharks with.