Josh Billings on Ice Part 13

Silence is one ov the negativ virtews.

x.x.xI.

WATERFALLS.

I rather like waterfalls.

I kant tell _why_, enny more than I kan tell why I love kastor ile--but kastor ile is good for a lazyness in the system.

I don't like laziness ov no sort--not even in muskeeters.

I want my muskeeters lively.

But aul this iz foreign tew mi purposs.

I like waterfalls--they are so eazy and natural.

They attack all the s.e.x.

Some they attack with grate fury, while others they approach more like a siege, working up slowly.

I saw one yesterday.

It want no bigger than a small French turnup.

It had attaked a small woman ov only 9 summers duration.

She waz full ov recreation, and when she bounded along the sidewalk the waterfall highsted up and down in an ossillating manner, resembling mutch the sportive terminus ov a bob-tailed lamb, in a grate hurry.

The eff.e.c.k was purely eclectick.

I also saw another one pretty soon, which belonged tew a mature matron.

She might hav saw 75 summers; her hair waz white az flour (Perkins "A,"

worth 15 dollars a barrell, delivered); but the waterfall was black.

I asked a bystander how he could account for that.

He said "it waz younger."

I also saw another one pretty soon, which waz the property ov a gusher.

She was about 19 years old, and waz az ripe az a 2 year peach.

She swept the streets like a thing of life.

Men stopped to gaze az she pazsed, and put in a new chew ov tobacco.

Little boys pocketed their marbles in silence.

Her waterfall waz about the size ov a corn-basket turned inside out.

It waz inklozed in a common skap net, and kivered with blazing dimonds ov gla.s.s.

It shone in the frisky sun like the tin dome on the Court House, whare the supervizors meet.

But i rather like waterfalls.

It haz bin sed that they would run out, but this i think iz a error, for they don't show no leak yet.

In the language of the expiring Canadian, on our northern frontier, I say--"_Vive la Bag-a-tale_."

x.x.xII.

POLITENESS.

I hav looked into the philosophy ov politeness, with grate fierceness, and see the thing in the followin light:

Ginowine politeness is a nice mixture ov vanity and good natur, invigerated bi virtue, and chastened bi policy.

It will take a man along slikly, whose money and impudence, and even religion, singly, would git stuck.

n.o.body can stand, without quailing, before a broadside ov ginowine politeness; it will make even a p.a.w.nee Injun grow limber.

It mite not save a man from gitting kicked bi a mule, but it would save him from gitting near enuff tew git kicked.

Thare is one other compound in ginowine perliteness, which gives it terrifick force, and that is deference.

Deference will win oftener than double sixes.

If you want tew beat a man out ov his opinyun, let him hav his own way till you c.u.m tew the forks in the road, then you kan take him jist which road you please.

I am not prepared tew call deference always a virtue, bekause it may exist, and only be an art, or stratagem.

If it is natural, it quite often degenerates into servility, and if artifishall, it merges into fraud, or cunning. Love without deference, is nothing more than a raid.

The deference that exists between equals, (altho pleasant tew look upon,) is not alwus flatterin tew think about; lions are necessarily polite tew each other, but when lions bek.u.m polite tew the lams, then will deference reveal its true sublimity.

Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal ov this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high.

JOSH BILLINGS.