Josh Billings on Ice Part 19

XLII.

BILLINGS REPLIZE TEU CORRESPONDENTS.

"_Mary Ann._"--Your letter wuz duly received. I hasten teu reply.

Waterfalls are a ketching disseaze, but not fatal. They fust appear on the back ov the hed, about the size ov a small geese's eggs, and gro az big az a wasp's nest, and then they are ripe. They are kep in a pudding bag, and fatted on black hoss hair. It is not considered enny misfortune teu have this dizzease, unlest yu hav it small. If yu hav escaped the dizzease thus far, I wouldn't contract it now; for thare will be a new one ov some kind around in a fu days, that yu may like better. In the mean time prepare yourself for the worst, for the Lord only knows what will come next.

"_Harrold._"--It will be impossible for me to give you a never-failing recipee, how tew secure the affekshunes ov the opposite s.e.x.--Grate perseverance iz necessary, az yu are aware that young ladiz are highly opposed to the married state. They are like their mothers in this respeck. I would advise yu tew read the "Pilgrim's Progress." It will sustane yu under yure trials. If yu kan spare enny time, i would advise yu tew be very polite tew the young ladiz mother; thare iz nothing more powerful; it is an evidence ov more good breeding, and it carrys the mother kind ov back to the days when she had to suffer in the same cruel way. After fighting the good fight for 6 or 7 years, you diskiver that yure sweetheart is tew be married to another feller; you will ov course secure an invitashun to the affair as pall bearer. This will pay you fur the menny trieing seens you hav pa.s.sed thru, and will also fit yu fur the next deadly struggle. But if yu succeed in getting the objeckt ov your affecshun; yu wil ov course be the only happy man in the world; this iz the way it alwus eff.e.c.kts folks.

"_Unkle David._"--Got yure letter thru the intercession ov the post office. Glad tew hear from you. Sorry tew hear that Aunt Sally has got the biles: tell her to poultice them well--and trust in the Lord. Sorry tew hear that Cousin Heber haz failed in bizziness; tell him tew play smart--and trust in the Lord. Glad tew hear that Joe Osborne haz drawn a prize in the lottery; tell him tew try it again--and trust in the Lord. Sorry tew hear that Uncle Peter sold hiz corn for only 2 dollars a bushel; tell him tew hang onto it next time--and trust in the Lord.

"_Petroleum._"--I hav looked into the ile boring with grate anxiety, and have satisfied miself that it is a good bore. If you git enny thing in this world worth having, you have tew bore for it without mercy. Az a general thing, the bigger the augur iz, the bigger the hole, unless you bore into a mill pond. Menny people are satisfied in doing a gimblet bizziness, and this shows good judgment. Yu never see a smart and well to do squirrel that wants tew reside in a woodchuck's hole.

Animals are more sensible than humans; they don't bild a house they kant fill. I am not at liberty tew tell yu what i dew think about iles giving out, but i advise yu to bore at onst and keep at it, and if you don't strike grease, you will have the satisfaction ov knowing that yu hav made a hole. I am not half so anxious tew kno how much ile men are a gitting, az i am tew kno that everybody iz a boring. Mi advise has alwus bin, don't bore for enny ile--"stock."

XLIII.

CHIPS FROM THE b.u.t.t CUT OV WISDUM.

Just about in proportion that a woman bek.u.ms famous away from home, she haz dun suthin she hadn't oughter.

I don't think it will pay enny man tew be poor jist for the sake ov being a philosopher.

The sharpest men hav the fewest ideas, but, like the sun-gla.s.s, they kan focus them quick, and the consequentz is, sumboddy gits burnt.

Them hosses who ackt just az though they waz agoin to run away awl the time hardly ever do, but the dozy ones, when they do git started, kant run fast enuff to suit them.--It is sum so with the human critters.

Ridicule iz the only successful persecution i kno ov.

Tew git at the full sublimity ov a wimmins right lekturer, go tew her hum, and witness her old man striving to nuss their last baby, and notis what a dredful sloppy job he makes ov it.

Avarice makes villins ov sum, and growling wretches ov all.

Philosophy iz the art ov making ourselfs happy, but yet i find 7 times as mutch philosophy in the world az i do happiness.

Marrying for love iz postponed for the present; in the mean time Cupid dips hiz arrows in petroleum and fires at brown stone fronts, just to keep hiz hand in.

Pleazure iz just az natural az smelling; thare is az mutch joy in sliding down hill by moonlight, on a barrel stave, az there is 40 years afterwards, in bein princ.i.p.al stock-holder, and president ov a double track ralerode.

We should make virtue our master, not our servant.

Pitty is the poorest beggar ov the whole lot. "Pitty the sorrows ov a poor old man," iz a fust rate way tew hav the dogs set at you,--better, a good deal, be a little sa.s.sy.

Generosity, az a general thing, haz more pride than kommon sense in it.

Even truth haz a rid.i.c.kilous side tew it, which it iz always trieing to hide.

Sum people lose twice when they bet; they bet without enny pluck, and lose without enny pluck. Yu kant kure laziness by bribery, nor shame; the only way to kure it, is tew skare it. Laziness is one ov those kind ov things that has no memory at all, and but an indifferent reccollection.

"Early impreshuns are the most lasting"--the fust kiss, and the fust licking, c.u.m under this hed.

Reputashun is a good deal like a bond-fire, yu hav got tew keep pileing on the shavings. If you don't the flame will soon subdew.

I was once asked if mi fourfathers was Englishmen. I told the illiterate cuss, who propagated the question, that i didn't hav but one father, and he was strictly ov the Ma.s.sachewsetts purswashun.

Good wit iz sumthing like good luck,--the more soon and unexpekted it iz, the better.