Josh Billings on Ice Part 18

SMITH, MI DEAR:

This day, at 10 o'clock A.M., I c.u.m in contact with your letter, and was real glad tew hear from yu. How do you like being Cor. Sek. ov a Ly-a.s.soci'? It is a light, pretty bizziness, and don't require much capital.

Let me ask you if you are any relashun to Jake Smith, the hatter. If yu are, forgit it, for Jake is a common cuss.

The Smiths are a good family, and prevail more permiskus, than enny kind ov folks that i kno ov, but it would be unnatral in the highest if thare want sum, whare they was so thick, that was wuss than the rest.

Did yu ever read history, Ezra? If yu didn't yu will be serprised teu hear that John Smith married Pokerhontas, the dauter ov Powhattan, the injun boss.

The way this happened was so: Smith was about gitting slewed, when Pokerhontas went in, and fell flat on him. Old Powhattan giv it up, and Pokerhontas had Smith, and Smith settled down and went into the injin bizzness, in a small way, on his own hook.

This is the grist ov the story.

Tis one ov the most affektingest transactions on file.

Yu ought teu read history, Ezra; it will learn yu informashun, and give you a knolledge ov edukashun.

[Ill.u.s.tration: The artist takes a poetic license with Mr. Billings'

Story of Pocahontas, and represents John Smith getting "slewed" in a modern bar-room,--_See page 134._]

I forgot tew state, that John Smith lived somwhare in pensylvany, at the time his transakshun with Pokerhontas took place, and if he aint dead probably lives there now. Thare is one fust rate thing about history: it is alwus true; if it aint true, it aint history, so if yu larn it onst, yu never have tew unharness.

But most poetri, and piktorials, and novels, lie wuss than an east wind; the fuller a man gits ov them over night, the more room thare iz in him the next day, for sum more.

John Smith, who had the transaction with Pokerhontas, had an immense invoice ov boys; thare is 13 ov that name in our town this morning, besides several who hav either died or gone to Denver Citty.

Did it ever strike yu, Ezra, that death was one ov the most remarkable things that could happen tew a man?

A man may be ritch, and kno history just like slapjacks for breakfast, and be handsum, able tew lift a ton without thinking, but death beats awl these just as easy as biting crackers.

Death seems tew be as far as a man can git; when a man aquires that thoroughly, his ambishun seems tew be satisfied.

One man can be ritcher, and lift more than another, but he kant be enny more deader.

I am glad thare is one thing in this world, that is enuff for man.

Speaking ov man, Ezra, dew yu konsider him a suckcess yet, or has he got tew try again?

History has a good deal tew say about man, that don't allude tew his suckcess.

Adew, Ezra,

Yures, full ov oats,

JOSH BILLINGS.

XLI.

ORPHAN CHILDREN.

Notoriety is the short glory a man gits, for doin what he ought to be ashamed ov.

G.o.d only knows how much merit wanders thro this life, sekurely hid bi rays ov poverty; nor how much crime insolently wears the golden armor ov wealth.

I think thare is jest as much virtue in the world as thare is vise, only it haint been bored for so mutch.

A grate menny ov opinyuns, advanced bi the uncommon learned men now-a-days, may be properly defined as dissolving views.

It is strange, and it is melankolly true, that those men who spend their time and talents in makin us happier, never gain mutch ov our respekt.

Thare is a grate menny people who kno jist enuff tew make a smudge, but don't kno jist enuff tew clear it away.

I don't know ov a more keen sarcasm, than a learned man listening attentively tew a fool.

The grate merit thare is in modesty, lies in the modesty thare is in merit.

Thare is 2 kinds ov hypokrasy: one tries tew appear better than it is, and the other wuss than it is--one is a wolf in sheep's clothin, and tother is a sheep in wolf's clothing.

The hight an depth ov human wisdum, is tew kno oneself; but the human heart kan never be known, only by the G.o.d who made it.

I never hear a robin on the hiest lim he kan git, pouring out his evening praise, but I am certain, that someboddy in Heaven is listenin.

About the most originality that enny writer kan hope tew arrive at honestly, now-a-days, is tew steal with good judgment.

I was once asked bi a talkin cuss, "which i thought was really the mostess happyness, the married or the single?" i sed tew him that in many cases it was like trieing tew winter on injun meal or buckwheat flour; before he had got half way thru, he would wish he had tried the other. i don't kno whether he took my advise or not.

In a match game (where both parties are marryin for money) aul side bets are konsidered off--George Wilkes told me so.

Poetry is as natral a disease tew the human family, as the winde kolick, and in most cases what will cure one, will cure the other.

How menny people thare are in this world who spend aul their lives in a hole, and always back into that.

The best way tew keep a secret, is tew forget it.

I never knew a coward who was afraid tew lie.

It is a curius fact that most everyboddy komplains ov their misfortunes, and yet, thare ain't ennyboddy who has got the itch, or salt rume bad, but what thinks his kind ov itch is a better kind than his nabor's.

Kompliments are like the frosting put on the top ov a cake, only intended for ornament.

If a man has got 375 thousand dollars, and is contented, he is happy--"jess so."

I don't serpose thare is enny sich thing as "time,"--time is a mere parasite ov Eternity.