Josh Billings on Ice Part 17

But i consider happiness the easiest tew manage when thare aint much ov it.

Our wretched wants, though they are what makes a man more than a brute, are just what reduces our happyness by expanding it.

Evryboddy kan tell his nabor tew be contented with what he haz got, (this is good news,) but n.o.boddy but a phool can foller it.

Phools are alwus happy, but alas! they don't know it.

Still, thare aint no arithmetic for happiness--a man has to be measured for hiz happiness just az he duz for hiz boots, and then he aint sure but what they will pinch somewhare.

THE HANDSOME MAN AND PRETTY WOMAN.

Buty iz one ov them kind ov conquests that don't last long.

It is a kind ov raid, which surprises, but kant hold the territory which it invades.

It is a kind ov meteorick rain, which people may set up a night or two to watch for, but failing tew see it a grate deal, may conclude that it aint much ov a shower after awl.

Handsum men are skase, and it is good that they are, for there is but very little power in man buty, and thare iz more vanity in one handsum man, than thare iz in two droves ov peac.o.c.ks' tails.

Buty iz another name for effeminacy.

Pretty wimmin are plenty, and i am glad ov it, for wimmin hav a perfekt right tew be pretty; but very butiful wimmin are unplenty, and i am glad ov that ditto, for the chances is, they would use their buty to gain our adorashun rather than our esteem. After awl, grate buty iz a left-handed kompliment, for most ov the silly i have met with, are thoze who believed they was very butiful.

I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-gla.s.s that i was a phool.

THE LIVE MAN.

The _Live Man_ iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.

He iz the pepper-sa.s.s ov creation--the all-spice ov the world.

One _Live Man_ in a village is like a case ov itch at a distrikt skool--he sets evry boddy scratching a onst.

A man who kan draw New Orleans mola.s.ses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home! sweet home!" while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.

The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar--he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Sat.u.r.day afternoons.

He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.

He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.

He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.

The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking at.

He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.

He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.

He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.

THE NERVOUS MAN.

The nervous man is the original harp ov one thousand strings.

He is a fiddle, past finding out.

The tread ov an elephant don't skare him, but he wilteth when the mouse nibbles in the wainscot.

He turneth pale at the coming ov the spider.

He laffeth when the whirlwind is on a bender, but shuddereth when the striped snaik walks out for an airing.

He gazeth at the red lightning with joy, when it gasheth the heavens; but the scales ov his back lift up in horrer when old Baxter files up his wood-saw.

The nervous man is a very singular critter--he might more properly be called a plural critter.

My advice tew the nervous man is tew drink milk for a living, and for excitement chaw spruce gum.

XL.

JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY.

Letters which pa.s.s from great men to great men are often wise to owlishness, and so successfully discursive as to treat beautifully upon everything but the point at "issoo."

SALT POINT, Feb. 0th, 1867.

J. BILLINGS, Esqr.:

I am instructed by our a.s.sociation to inquire ov you, and solicit a reply, if you could read a discourse before our lyceum this winter, and if so, at what time, on what subject, and upon what terms.

Most respectfully yours,

EZRA SMITH, Cor. Sec'y.

POKIPSY, Feb. 12th, 1867.