Josh Billings on Ice Part 2

When i git to not having enny good luck, it duz seem to me that i kan hav more ov it than enny man i ever knu, and not half try; i suppose it seems jist so to you, my friend, don't it?

I kant think ov enny talent now, that iz so apt to descend from father to son, untarnished, as the gift ov exaggeration.

"Thare aint ennything nu under the sun." The old feller in Connekticut, who carried the same old jack-knife for 43 years, and wore out 9 new handles, and 12 setts ov blades, sez so.

Thare aint, after all, but one right way to dew things. I hav seen kows that you could milk on both sides, but they wan't more than haff broke.

A man may hav a perfek right to be born single, but I dought whether he haz a right tew continny on so.

I take it, that the excellence of human natur consists in lifting the greatest amount ov sorrow with the least amount ov grin.

Them who make the most blow, hav the least fragranse--it iz jess so with the hollerhauk.

The best edukashun a man receives in this life, he gits just before he dize, and it mostly consists in forgetting what he haz larnt before.

The world looks with kold respek upon an ackt ov justiss, but heave up their hats at a display ov mersy. Yet the one iz the strength ov virtue, while the other iz most often its gratest weakness.

A mind that haz more imaginashun than sense iz like a goose--fust rate tew fli down hill.

I don't think the world haz enny Civilizashun tew spare, but i think she haz more than she kan manage well.

Poetri, tew be excellent, wants tew be like natur, but about 4 times az big.

V.

GOOSE TALK.

The goose is a gra.s.s-animal but don't chaw her cud.

They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, is nearer right.

These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now, which will finally win.

But i don't think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn't hav but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, 70 years, and grow tuff tew the last.

They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg, in which the gosling lies hidd.

The gosling iz the goose's babe.

The goose don't suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on sumboddy's vacant lot.

They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the goose.

They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains a profound sekret to this day.

When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew pleaze; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sa.s.s. The geese iz excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful.

They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss.

But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything with their hands.

I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this.

VI.

JOSH BILLINGS:

HIZ SHADE TREE.

Sum fu years ago, when i want so old nor near so hansum az i am now, i waz a feller citizen in one ov the sudden towns, which during the past 25 years, hav fairly sprung up, az it were, by necromancy, in the western country. At that time I waz verry ritch and owned a house, and lot. At one corner, on mi lot, stood, or rather leaned, a tree, az awkward az a shanghi rusetor; it bent at least 3 different ways, and its limbs were az sprawling az tho it had bin born in a nort-west storm. I had sum pride in them days, and longed to put that shade tree out ov misery.

The tree was a nondescribe, but seemed tew be a mingling ov the silver popular, which haz sich uneazy leaves, and a species ov soft maple. I would hav cut it down if mi heart had bin sharp enuff; but altho i hav lived on the edge ov the wilderness for more than half ov mi life, i never yet saw a tree fall before the choppers, but a shudder crept out ov me, it seemed so mutch like a wanton cruelty.

But i had manned mi guns fur one thing, and that waz, the tree had got tew be trimmed. I had four nabors near at hand; two lived upon the same side ov the street that I did, and the other two didn't.

They were mi Apollos, and when i wanted enny soothsaying done, i went tu them.

I will say one thing for these nabors, they waz always willing tew give _advice_.

Accordingly i asked each one ov them, az opportunity offered, how the tree should be clipped.

The first one suggested to leave the lower branches intact, and take oph the head ov the tree, and then it would soon form a cone, compact and graceful, like an umbreller on duty.

This plan pleased me, bekauze it had bin mi plan.

The next one picked out certain limbs, that positively must c.u.m off.

The third one had hiz noshun, which he knu waz right; and the fourth one never saw a tree ov that kind trimmed but one way, which he suggested in sich an unmistakabel manner, that I felt like a pashunt in the hands ov a root dokter, willing tew take enny thing.

After fully elaborating each one ov the four diagnosiss ov the kase, i went tew work like a humbel christshun tew carry the whole ov them out.

I had no trouble in doing this. But the tree (the Lord watch over mi poor shade tree!) was nothing but a gaunt stick about 10 feet hi, too crooked to fall, not a limb nor a leaf on it, and too frightful even for a hitching post.

1st Moral--Advice iz good only az corroborating testimony.

2nd Moral--If yu put yureself into the hands ov yure frends, yu must expekt that the kindness ov their hearts iz no protekshun aginst the willfullness ov their judgments.

3rd Moral--Advice iz like a doktor's pills: it iz often advisabel tew _receive_ them without _taking_ them.

4th Moral--One man kan alwus milk a cow better than 4 kan.