Josh Billings on Ice Part 3

VII.

JOSH CORRESPONDS FREELY WITH 3 FELLOWS.

_Shortfellow._--Yure views are correkt; thare iz no telling what hosses will trot by looking at them. Lady Thorne and Dexter are no more bilt alike than the Black Crook and Flying Scud. Neither do i think that pedigree ever makes a hoss fast enny more than it makes a man smart.

Hambletonian and sum ov the kings ov England hav both sired lunkheads.

If a hoss iz made right, he can proceed fast, i don't kare who made him. Flying Dutchman lived and died, and left a two-mile heat on the books that haint bin duplikated yet, and about aul that iz known ov him iz that he waz got in a brickyard in Pensilvany. Tom Thum went the fust 100 miles in 10 hours that waz ever did, and he had no more pedigree than a prary dorg, or a Digger injun. Who ever heard ov Flory Temple having enny pedigree?

If she ever gits one, it will be like menny ov the epitaffs we read in the graveyards--courteous libels.

I hav seen French ponys go on the ice faster than you could telegraff, bilt like a pumpkin seed, and with a pedigree just about as pure as a dock rat's.

Still, if you or i should talk these things among the literati ov the hoss stabel, we should probably git our front teeth knocked out. If i waz going tew buy a trottin hoss i would't ask about his pedigree enny more than i would ask who made a mint julep. If the hoss didn't suit me, i am dredful sertain the pedigree wouldn't. Old Eclipse never waz beaten in hiz day, and his full brother wasn't fast enuff for a modern hea.r.s.e hoss.

_Bigfellow._--Trout fis.h.i.+ng iz a good deal like painting picktures--you have got to be born how; you kant learn how. It don't require the genius ov a statesman tew know how tew ketch a trout; but the two best trout fishers I ever knu waz Daniel Webster and old Ishmael. Both were natiffs ov Nu England; one ov them everyboddy iz proud to remember, and the other waz a simple old n.i.g.g.e.r; but i think the old dark waz the best fisher ov the two.

He would walk up tew a hole in the brook, whare a big trout lay az careless and yet az still az a hen turkey, and stand thare till the fish mistook him for the stub ov a tree, then would drop his worm, or hiz gra.s.shopper, or (if the seazon waz right) would danse hiz flie above the trout's head so literal that the fish would bite merely from the force ov habit, whether he waz hungry or not.

This old Afrikan alwus started out for trout just as a dorg duz for mischief, the other way from whare he waz going, and never c.u.m back without a trophy. The best kind of a trout pole for brook-fis.h.i.+ng grows along side ov the brook. They are black alder, and have the same kind ov a taper that a rat tarrier's tale duz. Twelve foot is long enuff for the pole, and the brook that don't raize them somewhare on its banks iz not a good trout stream. But thare aint room enuff in a letter for me tew talk trout. Go with me sumtime next May among the mountains, and i will show yu how tew win theze little spotted morsels from their wet and noisy homes. But--though I like company generally--tew be honest about it, trout fis.h.i.+ng iz a good deal like sparking--one feller at a time iz enuff.

_Littlefellow._--Yu tell me in your letter "that musik iz yure egstatick bliss; that yure soul iz sot tew musick, and feeds on its gorgous viands." I am glad tew hear yu say so, for now i know yu won't never du enny big mischief in this world. Ennyboddy who loves musick az much az yu say you do, don't want enny other kind ov oats. I am unfortunate in this direkshun. I don't kno one note from another, unless it iz a bank-note, and i never had enny ear for musick since i waz a boy. Once in a while, in them daze, the schoolmarm, in lifting me up off from the bench by the ears tew see how heavy i waz, would start the musick out of me. I never tended but one gorgous opera in my life, and it won't never be convenient for me tew tend another. A forrin woman sung sum ov the "gorgous viands" yu speak ov. She was very fat herself, and want very thoroughly drest about the neck and naber hood.

She threw her head back like a sled runner, and yelled az tho she had a rat on her. I expekted every minnit tew see her arrested for breaking the piece. I suppose if i had the right kind ov taste for gorgous vittles, this kind ov musick would eat me good. I heard a milkmaid once sing, in a cow-yard, as she sot by the side ov a heifer just as the sun waz setting. It waz a love story song. Perhaps there was no gorge in it; but there waz sumthing in it that made me feel sorry aul over. This iz aul i kno about musick. I could listen aul day tew that kind ov soft sadness she sung about, and feel lonesum and lonesummer aul the time.

VIII.

MONOGRAFFS.

The _Jealous Man_ iz alwus a-hunting.

He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expeckt tew find, and after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz.

Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in perposhun az he iz mizerable.

Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness--dreadful sick, and kan't vomit.

The _Anonymous Man_ boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps.

He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices.

He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and n.o.boddy thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare.

He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah.

He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it.

He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye watch iz; if enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down.

The _Stiff Man_ looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don't seem tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze.

He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard.

He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, and when he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don't dew enny dammage.

I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man.

This kind ov _stiff man_ iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know they ain't ent.i.tled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied with hard soap.

Thare ain't but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel.

Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare ain't no such thing as aristokrats in this country.

The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in him.

Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew git a big skare at what they ain't afraid ov.

_Stiff man_ had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that hav been able tew git limber sinse.

The _Model Man_ never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent s.h.i.+nplaster in hiz vest pockett late Sat.u.r.day night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat's tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon; reads the PHUNNY Ph.e.l.lOW, and laffs bekause he kan't help it; hooks up hiz wife's dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with the cream on the milk-pans; goes eazily of errands and c.u.ms back in seazon; attends every boddy's phuneral; kan always tell when the moon changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to; follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further trubble.

The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day duz.

He may be called a "clever feller," and that iz only a libel; but he will git hiz reward herafter--when the birds get theirs.

IX.

HONESTA IZ THE BEST POLISY.

The author ov this proverb waz either a very shrude man, or he acksidentily spoke what he didn't think.

Honesta iz, in mi opinyun, a mere matter ov polisy.

Man iz, waz, and alwus will be, a dishonest critter by natur.

It iz az natral for him tew steal when he wants tew, az it iz tew blo hiz noze.

In order tew git sosiety into decent shape, so that the masheen could be run without a continual bust, it waz absolutely necessary that man should make himself honest.

If that hadn't hav bin did, it wouldn't hav bin safe tew leave a saw-mill out of doors after dark. Hence honesta bek.u.m a matter ov polisy, and it works well.