Josh Billings on Ice Part 22

THEM GOOD OLD DAZE.

AS LONGED FOR BY JOSH BILLINGS.

How i dew long (once in a whyle) for them good old daze.

Them daze when the sun didn't rise before brekfast.

Them daze when thare waz more fun in 30 cents than thare is now in 7 dollars and a half.

Them daze when a man marrid 145 pounds ov woman, and less than 9 pounds (awl told) ov ennything else.

How i dew long for them good old daze, when edukashun only konsissted in what a man did well.

Them daze when deakons waz az austear az hoss radish, and ministers preached tew men's soals instead of their pockets.

Them daze when pollyticks was the excepshun, and honesty the rule.

How i dew long for them good old daze when lap-dorgs and wett nusses warn't known, and when brown bred and baked-goose made a good dinner.

Them daze when a man who want bizzy was watched, and when wimmin spun only that kind ov yarn that was good for the darning ov stockings.

How i dew long for them good old daze when now and then a gal baby was called Jerusha, and a boy want spilte if he was named Jerrymiah.

Aul yee who hav tried the feathers and fuss ov life, who hav had the codfish ov wealth, without sense, stuck under yure noze, c.u.m beneath this tree, and long for an hour with me, for them good old daze when men were ashamed tew be fools, and wimmin were fraid tew be flirts.

N.B.--They used tew maik a milk punch in them daze too, that was very handy tew take.

L.

A HUM TRANSACTION.

Mrs. Billings lately bec.u.m helpless.

This kalamity was so well published, that the door bel ov the house waz kept on a t.i.tter for a week, with "_out ov place_," "Bridgets,"

"Margarets," and "Matildys."

From so profuse a crop, it was difficult tew select; each one had a karakter, that would hav lasted an economikal person for life, and each one was az demure az if they were about to take the veil.

They could all bile, and stew--hash, and frigasee, wash, mend, and iron, bake, bru, and starch--in fackt they were perf.e.c.ktly elaborate, in aul cook and laundry doings, and _never staid out ov nights_.

For sum reason, (bless the ladys, they never dew ennything without a good reason,) a prodigious emerald selekshun was made from the applicants, happy in the immaculate prefix ov Mary, a queen among pots and kittles, soups, gravy, and compounds.

She could do evrything!

She could sweep without disturbing enny dust; she could bile a dumplin so light, az almost tew disfranchise the long cherished principle ov gravitashun; in fackt, if it was safe tew bet on her, she was a fust-kla.s.s kitchin, within a kitchen; "_ne plus ultra_," _a bonny fide_ "_Eureka_,"--the last one out.

She was sworn in, with the usual serimony ov pinteing out the ways and means, the kittles, and closets, the coal, and cesspool, the pump, and bred tickets, and lots ov other things, in the matter ov nails for this rag, and rags for that nail.

The dinner tew be got up was quite ordnary, and Mrs. Billings, willing tew levy but a light tax upon the almost omniscient cook genius ov the accomplished Mary, suggested for sa.s.s, that most simple az well az most agreeable ov aul wheaten kompounds, known amung fluent housewifes, az a "minnit puddin."

"Ah, mum, it will plaze yee's to see me be after makin the puddin."

The mistick hour iz clus at hand, when the platter iz tew smoke in the senter ov the snowy damask; a gentle tap iz herd at the parler door; the glistening Mary relates the vicktory ov meat and vegatables below, and with a plezant pride nestling in her ize, in virgin innocense, asks:

"_Now mum, pleze, whare dew yu keep yure minits?_"

P.S.--Comment seems tew be almoste unnecessary--but perhaps it will be safe tew add, that, if "ignorance iz bliss," Irish cooks must be the verry broth ov happiness.

LI.

MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER.

MILK.

I want tew say sumthing, ("_in petto_.")

I want tew say sumthing, ("_entre nous_,") in reference to milk az a ferterlizer.

Milk is spontaneous, ("_semper paratus_,") and haz did more tew encourage the growth ov the humin folks, ("_en pa.s.sant_") than enny other liquid.

Milk iz lakteal, ("_bizarre_;") it iz also aquatick, while under the patronage ov milk venders, ("_errare humanum est_.")

Milk iz also misterious, ("_Le mot d'enigme_,") c.o.kernut milk haz never bin solved yet.

Milk iz also another name for humin kindness, ("_comme il faut_.")

Milk and bred is a plesant mixtur.

So iz milk and rum ("_Bonne bouche_") mellow tew contend with in a hot day, ("_multum in parvo_") ("_id est_," "_multum_" rum, "_in parvo_"

milk.)

Sumtimes, if milk iz allowed tew stand too long, ("_statu quo_,") a sk.u.m arizes tew the surface, ("_pa.s.sim_,") which iz apt tew skare folks who live in citys, but it dus not foller, ("_non sequitur_,") that the milk iz nasty; this sk.u.m iz called cream bi folks who inhabit the kuntry, ("_magnus Apollo_.")

Cream iz the parent ("_pater familias_") ov b.u.t.ter, and b.u.t.ter iz 45 cents a pound, ("_ora pro n.o.bis_.")

The most common milk in use, without doubt, ("_sans doute_") iz skim milk; skim milk iz made bi skinning the milk, ("_inter nos_,") this iz considered sharp praktiss, ("_coup de main_.")

Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks, sheep, squirrels, rats, and awl other animals that wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge milk, ("_lusus naturae_.")

I forgot tew state in conclusion, ("_ultima Thule_,") that cow milk, if it iz well watered, brings 10 cents per quart, ("_Quod avertat Deus_.")