Josh Billings on Ice Part 23

WHISKEE.

Whiskee iz the grate Amerikan bevridge.

It iz the granddaddy ov awl our licker.

Evrything that haz a good reliable drunk in it, iz at least couzin tew Whiskee or old Rie.

Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in the way ov penitentiary homes, and houses for the poor, and i suppose, if it want for whiskee, theze houses would aktually hav tew shut up.

They tell me that a bush.e.l.l ov korn will make a gallon ov whiskee, and sum people, who are acquainted with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov whiskee will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't know exactly how fur a cow would go in a family, but i should think it would be eazier tew milk a barrell ov whiskee than a cow--still i hain't never figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me.

A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the western states, sez that vast quant.i.tys ov korn are raized thare, which iz made into whiskee, tew say nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He sez thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better judges ov whiskee than they are ov water, and that you might easily phool them with poor water, but you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made whiskee a specialty aul their lives, and they kan't even go tew church Sundays, without a bottle ov it in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when he made this last statement.)

In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only tew original sin; it is the mill stun, hung upon the neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if the devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months, tew visit this earth, the fust thing he would do, would be to lobby our legislatures for a repeal ov the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills.

But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't think it kan be got out, enny more than small pox kan, but it kan be made komparitively harmless, in the same way, and only in the same way, and that iz by constant vaccination. * * * *

BEER.

I hav finally c.u.m tew the konclusion, that _lager beer_ iz not intoxikatin.

I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen gla.s.ses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and n.o.boddy could understand it.

It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.

I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 gla.s.ses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was c.u.ming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have c.u.m thundering up too.

Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.

I never had so much experience, in so short a time.

If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up.

If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober.

In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the nex one when it c.u.m, and that ain't aul; mi wife said i was az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Josh Billings is satisfied that lager-beer as a drink is not intoxicating; but having indulged rather freely one day, he finds it difficult, when he sits down, "to catch the chair as it comes round."--_See page 169._]

If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i kno.

Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when his bile want plumb.

I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open.

I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a gla.s.s with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.

LII.

PLUCK.

Pluck, tew be ov mutch value, wants tew be instant.

I hav seen plenty ov men who was anxious tew fite an elephant--six miles oph.

How menny ov us hav had our pluck c.u.m tew us next day, and then it want ov enny more use tew us than an epitaff iz tew a ded man.

Pluck iz a normal virtue, and may be made a s.h.i.+ning one, az it iz only the tuff substances that will take, and hold a good polish.

I hav seen men who was aul pluck, and nothing else; they are like chestnutt burs, alwus reddy, but only fit for one thing, and that iz not to touch.

Thare iz a pluck that dares tew do nothing but what iz right, and always dares tew do that; this iz pluck built upon reason, and iz virtue enuff for enny one man.

LIII.

FREE LOVE.

I beleaf in free fights, espes.h.i.+la amung cats and doggs.

I beleaf in free rides--on a gate.

I beleaf in freedum for evry slave on arth.

But _free love_ iz one ov them kinds ov fredum, that it don't do tew be limber with.

If this world was the gardin ov Edin, and full ov Adam and Eve, az they was when they was fust launched, then i kan imagine it might do for sum other Adam to hold mi Eve on his lap, and talk about his affinitee, and spiritoal essence, and play lamb.

In them daze, thare want no humin natur, it was all G.o.d natur.

Humin natur has bin soaked so mutch sinse, it has got tew weak tew be trusted in a lot whare the feed iz poor, nex tew a meddo, without mutch fence between nor enny poke on.

_Free love_ wants more poke than enny other animal.

I don't believe in total depravity--unless a man has a good chance.

_Free love_ iz a good deal like drinking 6 s.h.i.+lling gin for a bevridge.

Bevridge iz a Chinese word, and means cussidness.

Aul the _free love_ i hav witnessed thus far, has existed between a villainous letcher on one side, and lunatick virtue on the other side, that had bin deoderized out ov its truth, and had lost aul ov its modesty, and shame, in hunting after a condishun, whare sin ceazed tew be a crime.