Josh Billings on Ice Part 24

The fust free lover we hav enny akount ov, was the devil.

LIV.

FAST MEN.

I hav alwus loved "Fast men;" not those who are _fast_ in their morals, but the sudden kind, those who think fast, and ackt fast.

I never knu a verry slow Amerikan who amounted tew ennything.

Put a man onto an island, (like Nova Scosha,) and he will learn how tew be slow; it iz like chaining a bull tarrier tew a post; after a while he will just straighten the chain, that's all.

But on a Hemispheer like ours, even mud turkles learn how tew show a good gait.

Whare natur setts the exampel, whare she iz vast, and magestick, men soon git in the habit ov reckoning bi the millyuns, and a man ain't enny more apt tew make a big mistake, than he iz a small one; thare iz more game mist at 100 feet, than thar iz at 100 yards.

Fast men make most ov the blunders that are made; but they also make most ov the good hits that are made.

It don't hurt mi feelings (occasionally) tew hear that a man has fell his whole length, and even ploughed up the ground whare he struck, for then i kno he couldn't hav bin standing still, nor hanging onto sumboddy's picket fence.

Methusila lived a 1000 years, but i serpose he could hav seen aul he saw, and dun aul he did in 5 years, if he had lived in New York city.

I never knu a peace ov machinery tew prove a failure bekause it was tew fast; and who iz thare who has ever turned one bi hand, that has not wept for joy tew see a grindstone git round 500 times in a minnitt, driven bi steam?

Fast men sumtimes kollide, but experience has proved that it iz better for a locomotiff tew strike a rock at 40 miles an hour, than at 15, for at 40 miles the _rock_ may be displased, but at 15 the locomotiff iz sartin tew be.

I alwus did think well ov the konneticut vagrant, who was confined in the poor house bekauze he hadn't ennything tew do, and hearing ov a ba.s.swood shoe-peg spekulashun, that was raging outside, broke out ov the poor-house, and made 1500 dollars before they could ketch him.

"Life iz short," and this iz one grate reason whi it ought tew be fast.

LV.

JOSH REPLIES TO ONE OF HIS CORRESPONDENTS.

"_Benvolio._"--In writing for yu an a.n.a.lasiss ov the frog, i must confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, "verbatus ad liberating,"

from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the 16th sentry.

The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without c.u.ming tew a head.

He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, before long, in a few daze, his tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end ov the animal, and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a disposition tew head out.

In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in his life, begins tew git his head abuv water.

His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way tew the distrikt skoolhous.

Az the children c.u.m more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and enters the water, head fust, without opening the door.

Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits tew be 21, and then his life iz more ramified.

Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an oyster.

I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his honest dets and took the NEW YORK WEEKLY.

I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness but the frog's.

Their hind leggs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't pay for eating.

A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not get tired.

The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log tew sit on, over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks tew the rest ov the frogs away down in his throat, so that yu kan't understand more than half what he sez; he iz generally a cross and lazy old devil, all over warts.

This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, except that they ketch flize during fli time, and winter on nothing, by freezing up solid.'

P.S.--I hav endeavored tew translate mi author cluss, but it iz tuff tew render aul his butiz intu our tung, without bursting the sense.

LVI.

HUMAN HAPPINESS.

Human happyness being a subject that interests most persons, and having never bin writ upon bi enny boddy else, i thought i would write upon it immediately.

But fu ever git tew be happy, for the reazon they try so hard.

_Comfort_ in this world is about awl that mortals kan expect; _happyness_ has bin reserved, bi an all wise Providence, for futur use.

Those who are the most happy appear tew kno it the least; in fact, happyness seems tew consist in not knowing it.

The best way i kno ov tew be happy is not tew want enny thing till yu hav got it, and then be saving of it.

Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.

The most happy individual i ever knu had no under garment, and he probably would have remained happy, until his back had wore out, if the Femail Billingsville sowing society had not furnished him a cotton seclusion for hiz body, and got him riled up, bekauze the collar tew the seclusion want starched stiff enuff.

It iz a verry dangerous peace ov bizzness tew interfere with enny man's private plans, for hiz own partiklar happyness, (or partiklar misery,) upon the same principle, that it iz a verry dangerous enterprise to pull a thorn out ov a mule's hind leg, and dodge the kick.

Awl human hapness iz conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.